Ahhhhh...fuck this.

[SomethingWitty123]

I'm so tired, I woke up today feeling as if I'd been killed several times over and reanimated again as a zombie, just barely alive. I stumbled around town looking like a washed out crackhead and then came home and just sat in a corner for the rest of the day really.

I turned to drugs as a way of escape and because I'm just kind of bored really. Also, on the odd occasion when things get too much, I just take a cocktail of what I have and see what happens.

A couple of weeks ago, I took an almost lethal overdose on a cocktail including: 14mg Xanax, 40mg oxycodone, lots and lots of vodka, 3-5ml GHB (with no tolerance to anything). I woke up in hospital after blacking out and apparently I had been found collapsed on the street by someone. I had loads of bruises on me and never really believed the blackout stories online but it's true. I had no idea wtf happened. Anyway, a part of me kind of wishes I hadn't woken up.

Since then, I've experimented with a lot of things: LSD, ketamine, Valium, 2-ce all taken at insanely high doses and all within a fairly short amount of time. This is probably the first week where I haven't taken anything (not even weed) and tbh I just feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I'm just missing something...then I slap myself for thinking I'm an addict when I haven't even been taking anything for that long.

My most uncomfortable experience was taking 500ug of fentanyl (dosed with sublingual blotters), and realising that I had massively overdosed for a beginner. There was no euphoria either, so I was just nodding like crazy while trying to stay awake for fear of dying in my sleep. It's confusing how when I don't plan to attempt anything, I don't really want to die. I fell asleep anyway, and woke up a few hours later feeling like warmed up shite. Even so, I found myself craving more so I immediately threw my stash down the toilet. That was a rare moment of self care.


But now I just want to go really. If drugs aren't gonna do it, then I'll explore my other options. Everything is just wayyyy too painful to deal with, and I won't be leaving anything behind.

 

[Moreaux]

I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry you're in such a dark place. Drugs at best are a temporary escape, and from the sounds of things haven't really even been doing that for you. Many of the drugs you have referenced dramatically alter your neurochemical balance, are are probably making you feel worse. I think you should take a break from drugs for a few months and just try to take it easy, and be easier on yourself. You need time to recover, and drug binges are just exasperating the situation. Take three months off of substances and then take it from there.

In the meantime, eat healthy - clean (fresh whole foods), get adequate sleep (probably easier said than done, but humor me), and try to get an hour of activity in during the day - aim for something outside like walking.

You're self medicating because you feel lousy - have you always felt this way or is it something more recent? If possible, try to pinpoint the cause - like an event or series of events, or something like mental illness. Figure out what is ultimately making you want to escape and develop a game plan to deal with it. If it's an event(s), analyze the event me find ways to accept it. If it's something that is still occurring and you have influence, come up with a strategy to try to change it for the better. If it's mental health, see a therapist first and discuss it with them. I say see a therapist in lieu of a psychiatrist because the latter primarily handles mental health issues with medications, and you may not need meds. If you do, the therapist will refer you one. Just give it time and be patient, the way you feel now if temporary, it ill get better.

The lowest points of my life came directly after drug binges. I self medicated for eyes to escape the crushing anxiety and depression from OCD, and had unresolved PTSD. I found by addressing the mental pieces first I was able to make leaps and stride with the anxiety and depression which were symptoms. I was able to use cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with my issues, and no longer require medication. Ironically, I also no longer have the desire to self medicate with drugs either. It was a long hard rod to where I am today, but I am very happy to have stuck it out to get here.

Best wishes!

 

[Erikmen]

Thing is, we never know what's on the other side and something that I have seen a lot was all of these people turning to vegetables with real serious disabilities as it can all go wrong. You could unconsciously vomit among other things I prefer not to think about. Shit happens.

You are better off confronting these problems as this a temporary phase of your life, it's going to pass but you need to step up and choose how the outcomes should be like. You can choose your future. Give yourself sometime off and think about your life if you haven't been into drugs at all. There are a lot of ways to deal with boredom and perhaps you could find a better option.

I understand the lack of motivation to do so I really do, but you've got to react and we are here to help you if you need. You can look for NA, AA groups as well. Most of us have been where you are right now so I know there's a way out and you are the only one who could figure this out.
Remember that you are not alone.

Wish you the best of luck and that you come out of the stage you find yourself in.