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After 8 months and 3 days I have 100% Recovered! Thank You BL!

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Dawglaw

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 28, 2012
Messages
952
Location
The moon
Hey guys. As some of you know I suffered a really shitty long term comedown after a irresponsible night with "Molly" (no idea what it actually was). This experience was the most terrible mental journey I have ever been through, 6 months of debilitating DP/DR, anxiety, vision problems, fatigue, minor hppd, fear or permanent brain damage, etc.

Today I woke up and realized that I am back to 100%, full recovery. It has been a long journey but BL has been instrumental to my recovery. I want to say thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and helping me keep positive (which I attribute as the most important part of me breaking through and feeling better).

Thanks a ton guys!
 
Grats man, just remember stay strong and don't roll again! You may feel totally fine right now, and on top of things and say what the hell 1 roll won't hurt. But it may bring it all back over night. Are you sober from everything right now?
 
F1n1shed said:
Grats man, just remember stay strong and don't roll again! You may feel totally fine right now, and on top of things and say what the hell 1 roll won't hurt. But it may bring it all back over night. Are you sober from everything right now?
Click to expand...

Honestly, I could not disagree with this more..

ROLL AGAIN! FUCK YEAH BOY! You've recovered the serotonin you previously drained and it's time to dump some more.

But the key point in this is moderation. You can roll again and have no troubles, but if you try and roll for 2 days straight your just going to be in a worse place than you were at day one.

However, a nice responsible dose of MD to give the neurons a flush and to get your life in perspective never hurt anyone. Quite the opposite in fact, it's helped many kick their MD induced depression in the ass! You just need to remember where it put you before and put into practice all you have learned here on BL.

Once you've done that, there is no reason to not roll.


Unless you prefer the sober life, which has it's ups too I suppose ;)
 
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Immediately after the comedown, I went 100% sober. After two weeks I realized that social alcohol helped me, hitting the bar with my buddies was an amazing escape. After about 4 months I tired cocaine, the next day my DP/DR was much worse.

I knew I would have to confront my anxiety head on to overcome my feelings. I was not anxious before, but I had some things on my conscience that may or may not have contributed once te substance possed off my brain. Through CBT and general mindfulness, I was able to overcome those issues.

Currently, I drink 1-2 times a week and enjoy a bit of weed (not to get blitzed but enough for a light buzz). I have taken a few a and d amphetamines with no issues.

Regarding using again, I am very torn. I was such a light user in the first place (6-9 times over 8 years), I am not sure. I definitely attribute my problems to being a noob and being ignorant of the HR rules for using MDMA responsibly. I honestly don't think I have damaged my brain from this, rather whatever I took triggered a period or anxiety and stress on my mind.

I think I could have a great time responsibly using MDMA (tested and no re dosing). I need to convince myself that it is worth it.
 
By all means if that's not your intent, don't let me convince you! I'm all for abstinence haha that's HR at it's best. I don't know your personal case or anything, so obviously that choice is up to you. But I've been there myself friend, and I came out of it and rolled last week with a roll just as, if not more orgasmic than any roll I had before my abuse


You just have to remember, it's only a drug! There is no reason to fear it or demonize it, it's only purpose is to make you feel good.
 
Daglaw...

I'm not sure why I checked BL tonight.
It has been quite a while.

Should I presume purpose?
No idea.

What I do know is that I'm glad you are reporting a significant improvement.
I'm very happy for you.

It seems eons have passed for me in the past two years since I joined BL.
But I remember quite clearly achieving many 'milestones' in my recovery.

The first three months were remarkable - the most intense suffering that I think a human being is capable of.
Yet somehow I concluded that I was just around the corner from complete recovery...
Often after exercise I would feel such complete restoration, such relief that I KNEW I would be finished with my 'recovery' within a matter of weeks.

And part of me still believes that such a turn around may have been possible with the right intervention (such as ECT).
Perhaps the right pharmacological intervention, should it be invented.
Even rolling again...

Especially rolling again.

I remember having recurrent temptations....no - lets call them beliefs...
I truly believed that MDMA in particular had the potential to HALT the degradation of my mind and soul and restore who I was.
Its hard to describe how deep this feeling ran.

Absent true temptation, fully aware of the risk, I honestly sat and thought about the possibility that releasing more serotonin (among other things) could SOLVE the problem.

I never gave in to this curiosity.
But I look back at that time as a clear indication that an increase in serotonin probably would have restored my core brain functions, temporarily.

I now know this 'core' function to be the HPA or hypothalalmic-pituitary-adrenal axis, which is profoundly affected by the relationship between the serotonin in the intestines and the higher regions of the brain - especially the prefrontal cortex.

I remember feeling fleeting moments of complete control - restoration - that would reoccur throughout the first full year.

It was around month 11 that I truly saw a change in my anxiety, digestion, sleep patterns...
And I remember reading other reports of a transition that occurs around one year.
I felt it happen to me, and it was very important.

Of note - alchohol was also a tremendous relief for me during the first year!
Weed was NOT, but drinking seemed to be okay.
Now I know that alcohol actually compromises that function of the SERT and long-term drinking is associated with endocrine dysfunction. Suggestion that the endocrine function resulting from improper serotonin transmission benefited from my interference through alcohol use.

Never tried cocaine...

It was after one year that I finally realized that the changes within me were determined to continue.
Around month 13 I began to understand the cognitive problems that others have described.
I spent months feeling like reading and writing was a chore - and this is when my absence from BL began.

It is when the anxiety and emotional imbalance stops that cortical re-innervation can surge forth.
Cortical re-innervation is associated with cognitive deficits...

I'm glad to hear you are so positive.
But whatever you do stay away from powerful SRAs like MDMA.
Your judgement is correct.

Try a lesser agent like Tramadol 50mg.
Or perhaps a sub-threshold dose of mushrooms, which has shown positive effects in former MDMA users.
And no matter what, don't forget my old advice - exercise.

After two years and 3 months I'm still forcing myself to continue.
I have always forced this advice upon those that would listen and I truly believe it myself.
Regular exercise is critical.

Keep me informed of your progress.
I'm glad I made contact tonight.
I hope I can do so again soon.
 
Dont take my word for it I could be wrong but I remmeber reading somewhere that after heavy heavy MDMA abuse once they were months into recovery from a long term comedown which was almost at full recovery, they used MDMA again and used the experience to overcome depression and essentially use it for thereupetic effects and it worked wonders. They also mentioned something about during the months of depression and issues that their serotonin netwokr rewired incorrectly and that blasting it with MDMA again allowign it to rewire better through positive thought processes they felt better off.

To me it seems possible, but at the same time there is absolute no proof and sounds like a counterproductive idea... I wouldnt reccomend rolling again, its upto you but if you do test you dam shit this time, dont redose and over do it.
 
MollyFein74 said:
Dont take my word for it I could be wrong but I remmeber reading somewhere that after heavy heavy MDMA abuse once they were months into recovery from a long term comedown which was almost at full recovery, they used MDMA again and used the experience to overcome depression and essentially use it for thereupetic effects and it worked wonders. They also mentioned something about during the months of depression and issues that their serotonin netwokr rewired incorrectly and that blasting it with MDMA again allowign it to rewire better through positive thought processes they felt better off.

To me it seems possible, but at the same time there is absolute no proof and sounds like a counterproductive idea... I wouldnt reccomend rolling again, its upto you but if you do test you dam shit this time, dont redose and over do it.
Click to expand...

I'm curious about this. I'm about 3 years out from MDMA abuse. While a lot of good things happened in that time such as getting married and good career advancement, I also dealt with anxiety and just recently came out of what I now realize was a depression that lasted for most of that time. I had lost all of my enthusiasm, spark and interest in life and just felt like everything was flat and I was going through the motions. Six months ago I started to see a therapist on a regular basis - weekly to every two weeks. Shortly after starting to see the therapist for talk therapy the depression began to lift.

3 weeks ago I took a single dose of MDMA. I took it recreationally instead of therapeutically. I guess my tolerance had disappeared because it was strong - almost too strong for the first couple of hours. Even though I didn't take it recreationally, it has turned out to be a total mental reset. The initial 5 to 7 days were difficult with some of the old, unpleasant feelings of anxiety and feeling flat; but after that I bounced back and feel free, clear and at ease in my mind. For the last three weeks I've been in a mental space that I always hoped to reach with talk therapy. Thankfully my therapist is MDMA friendly and even at one point a couple months earlier suggested I may find value in revisiting MDMA. We both have seen such a marked difference in where I'm at since that session that we agree that periodic check-ins as I feel the need will be better for me than regular therapy sessions.

The ripple after effects of MDMA continue to amaze me. I had forgotten about the magic of the drug after all those years of abuse, but I find myself again at awe at how even an experience where there isn't a focus on therapeutic applications can have such a powerful, positive and lasting effect.

I'm not telling you to use MDMA. That is a very personal decision, and you should only do so if you feel ready. It took me a little over 3 years after my last abuse to actually be interested in trying it again. Also, my perspective this time is much different. Even after a great experience, I have no desire to rush back into MDMA. If I do decide to try it again, I suspect the time frame will be measured by years and not by days, weeks or months.
 
Coming from someone who also went through this experience (it lasted me about 6 months, still going on to a certain extent), i decided to try mdma for the first time again last week.

It DID NOT make me feel any better but it did not make me feel any worse. I was very pleased with myself that I was able to do it again and not fuck myself up and come out 100% fine. Although I cannot guarantee this for you.

I do know that if that mdma was cut with something else, I probably would have gone into that dark place again.

If you think you are at a place in your life were you can accept the fact that there's a chance you can go down that road again, then after thinking it through you can do it. Just make sure it is pure and you have good people around you.
 
saqademus said:
dawglaw - what were your symptoms and how did you recover?
Click to expand...

I had major anxiety issues. Constant Depersonalization, derealization, headaches, blurry vision, general fear about my health, foggy headedness, lethargy, hypochondria, mild HPPT.

To be honest I think time was the ultimate healer. Mindfulness, CBT, staying active, being healthy and living a fun life really helped mitigate the anxiety symptoms. Social drinking helped me but I know it makes some people worse.
 
FBC, you have helped me along a ton. Thank you for your wisdom and advice. I am keeping you in my thoughts am I hope you can continue down the path of recovery.
 
Hey Dawglaw,

im so glad to see you've made a recovery.
Ive found anxiety absolutely life crippling in the past, (benzo withdrawel , that was fun... not lol)

Wish you luck on your journey in life.
 
I see how some of you are saying after a long MDMA comedown a single dose of MDMA may help rewire in a way, and get a better perspective on your life. And i think i have tried that in the past , i didn't feel that bad after the comedown definitely better than other come downs. How ever i think it is playing Russian roulette, because it may just make everything worse for him. What we do know is he is feeling better than he ever has at this stage right now, so why risk rolling again and possibly feeling a little better or possibly restarting the hell hole. IMO stay in the safe zone as you are now, no rolling just drinking once in a while etc.
 
I am going to Porter Robinson tomorrow night. Sticking to booze, maybe smoke a little weed and gonna babysit my friends.

I thought long and hard about going back and I don't think its gonna happen.
 
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