After 5 years I've had enough.

[thoughtsanonymous]

As with most relationships, it's a long story.

The gist of it is, I have been in a relationship and living with my boyfriend for 5 years. I am now 22, and have gotten to the point where I am turning very selfish.

I want to leave him and move to a different country and pursue worldly aspirations. I don't want roommates, I don't want to live in the same city, and I'm caring less and less about his wants and needs. I'm just over it, like, why can't you take care of yourself?

He just turned 25, and honestly not much has changed until recently.

I just feel like why do I need to commit to him, cook and clean and fill out job applications and get myself into debt for him, when it's not like we're married?

that's what a WIFE is for. although living together does change the dynamic.

I just really want to be by myself. He's not a bad person, honestly he has been a true blessing in my life in terms of faithfulness and willingness to work on a relationship.

But I have gotten to the point where, I don't see us getting married, and further than that, I don't want to be married. I don't want to have kids. I really don't want to have to be responsible to another person.

Is this because I've never given "me" a chance?

Is it because he's small town and likes his simple life, and I have more life skills and ambitions?

My biggest question is, does this make me the bitch?

I kind of feel like I'm destroying all that matters to him.

 

[HCandKROD]

No you're not selfish or a bitch. Things change from 17 to 22. It's better to figure this out now than to get married and have 2 kids then decide you want to haul ass. I was 29 before I got married and then it didn't last cause I still want to do what I want. I'm now 49 and still selfish but I'm married to a 32 y/o selfish woman. The good news is we have selfish dreams in common. I don't want kids and she doesn't want either. I don't want to buy a house just rent in case I wanna move she feels the same way.
You may want to tell your boyfriend some of this so he can make plans for the future also. Don't worry too much about his feelings. At 22 now is the time to be very selfish. Good luck

 

[Beachcat]

I think you would be more of a bitch if you didn't let him know how you feel.

17 is very young to live with someone and be in a committed relationship. It sounds like your goals no longer align.

If you were in a different stage of your life, I would 100% advocate attempting to work things out.

But, for where you are and going from what you have told us, I think I would cut my losses and go out and try to gain life experiences.

 

[Pagey]

17 is very young to live with someone and be in a committed relationship. It sounds like your goals no longer align.

This. No, it doesn't make you a bitch at all. It's just that you got together at an age when you still had (and have) a lot of things to explore, both about yourself and the world. I mean I'm only 19 but I can't imagine being in the same kind of relationship now as I was when I was 17. Your feelings are normal and to be expected. Don't feel guilty about them. It would be worse and more hurtful of you to drag out a relatinship you don't care for anymore.

How long have you been feeling like this? Just make sure it isn't a spur of the moment kind of thing/temporary feeling before making any major decisions. No one here can really tell you what the best course of action is...but if you're sure you're not happy with the life you're leading now and if you're sure it won't get better unless you've had a chance to 'do your own thing' for a while, well then

 

[llama112]

I think you would be more of a bitch if you didn't let him know how you feel.

Yup yup!!

You're 22, you want to do different things. Do different things then!!! It sucks that he can't be part of your future, yeah, but it's YOUR future. You shouldn't have to compromise just because of someone else, at least not at this stage of your life.

Agreed with Pagey though, make sure it's not just a spur of the moment thing. Make sure you're taking the time to think about it and then do you what YOU feel is best!

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Yeah, I agree with everyone else. You need to have a serious sit down with him and talk to him. Maybe not break it off right then and there but let him know where your minds at... where it's BEEN at. If you want to move somewhere and have an adventure--start planning it out honey!

 

[thoughtsanonymous]

No you're not selfish or a bitch. Things change from 17 to 22. It's better to figure this out now than to get married and have 2 kids then decide you want to haul ass. I was 29 before I got married and then it didn't last cause I still want to do what I want. I'm now 49 and still selfish but I'm married to a 32 y/o selfish woman. The good news is we have selfish dreams in common. I don't want kids and she doesn't want either. I don't want to buy a house just rent in case I wanna move she feels the same way.
You may want to tell your boyfriend some of this so he can make plans for the future also. Don't worry too much about his feelings. At 22 now is the time to be very selfish. Good luck

Thank you. we have had conversations, it's not the first time I've had alarms in my head screaming "GET OUT!" "THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!" but I really am pursuing a different path. He knows I'm moving now, I told him in a year, it may take up to a year and a half. So far things are okay, but I know things will only get rockier as time goes by. I feel like he thinks he can go to, so as time goes on the hardest conversation will be to explain to him that he's not invited. It's not like there's someone else, I'm really just feeling blown out. I just want to go it alone. Thank you.

 

[thoughtsanonymous]

And I mean, that's what my parents say.
If I'm not actually married to him, then he's "just a boyfriend" and can be left and no harm done. But having living together, our relationship is a very strong one, and we know each other well. I know it causes him pain. It comes down to things like his inability to read, and my love of books. I have more of a traveler's perspective and he's a bit small town and closed minded. I start to feel like he'd hold me back, (not intentionally) but due to his nature and who he is. You know? like, I wear the pants in the relationship.

 

[thoughtsanonymous]

Yup yup!!

You're 22, you want to do different things. Do different things then!!! It sucks that he can't be part of your future, yeah, but it's YOUR future. You shouldn't have to compromise just because of someone else, at least not at this stage of your life.

Agreed with Pagey though, make sure it's not just a spur of the moment thing. Make sure you're taking the time to think about it and then do you what YOU feel is best!

That's so true. I feel like at the end of the day, I am responsible for everything I do. and if 5 years has gone by in a flash, it's because I let it. I can't blame anyone else for inactivity except myself for settling with the same thing. And nothing will change unless I choose to change it.

Very well said, thank you.

 

[RobotRipping]

^definitely let him know he's not invited now rather than later, that's just fucked up. It's like dropping an emotional bomb on someone unexpectedly. If you care for this person, then do it sooner than later. You have no idea how things will be in a year and a half, he could be completely dependent on you by then or he may be the one trying to run free and live his own life. Things change for everyone. If you don't match intellectually, i think it'd be nearly impossible to have a long term relationship work out.

If you are considering staying together for a year or a year and a half and then moving on, then something doesn't really add up.

 

[T. Calderone]

If you are considering staying together for a year or a year and a half and then moving on, then something doesn't really add up.

When is your lease up and are both your names on it? If you're really are set on leaving, consider getting out sooner. Staying with him for another year or so may make it harder for both of you to say goodbye.

 

[thoughtsanonymous]

When is your lease up and are both your names on it? If you're really are set on leaving, consider getting out sooner. Staying with him for another year or so may make it harder for both of you to say goodbye.

Definitely. I have considered it, and in fact yesterday I spoke to him about how it really isn't him, it's me. I've always belonged to other people, (first my parents, and now him) and have in a sense been held back because of it. I really have to give "me" a chance and nothing is changing that. There is no falling back in love, or staying here and working things out. I know that hands down this is where my life is headed and nothing can change that. So I explained to him that therein lies the importance of me going it alone, this has to be my journey, not "ours".

He said he understood that I feel suffocated, and that he will always love me even when I leave, but to please not leave yet. My parents have opted to have me move back home to progress my savings plan, but he said it'll be worse for him to know I'm just 2 hours away than in a different country. So at the moment, we're still together.

I'd just like to say that I know it isn't going to stay this peaceful forever, and others have used the term "ticking time bomb", which I can sense.
I know and can read him so well that literally as soon as I see any mental suffering on his part, or bitterness seeping into my perspectives, I will instantly remove myself from this situation, because my intention is not to destroy a good person or myself in this process. It's a nice thought to think we can end this on good terms, but I know in the end this will probably be harder for him to let go than it will be for me.
But really, I'm not so selfish that I'll sit back and watch this fall apart. I do have an escape plan when I know it's too much for him to handle having me there. make sense?

 

[thoughtsanonymous]

We rent on a month to month basis, we share the cost of a $900 room. it's a bit of a concern on his end, I"m not sure how he'll pay it once I go.