Well its been awhile since I've been on since then yep my damn husband cheated with a 22 year old can't stand that dumb bitch but that's not the advice I need since this journey began with my husband in January I've had four men that I know approach me and they're good men I want to do it I want to enjoy myself form in all different types two of the men or men from my past one of them I've already been with one of them I had a crush on so many years ago the other two there are newer I've met them within the last 8 years one of them is very current within the last 3 all of them think I deserve so much more and want to take our friendship elsewhere I'm scared I'm still married and I still love my husband even after everything he's done to me my husband comes and goes all the time so my question is I'm not very experience in things of this nature my body and mind have the urge and want to cross that boundary I'm still married I don't want to feel like I let down my values and morals as a married woman what should I do I currently haven't been intimate with my husband in a very long time and I never know if he's going to stay here or go I want this real bad would it make me a bad person it would make me have stoop to his level please any advice would help
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Advice please
- Thread starter tonja
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PotatoMan
Bluelight Crew
Homeless -----> SLR
PotatoMan
Bluelight Crew
No I was just moving your thread to the appropriate forum.
ChipTrippyFox
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2013
- Messages
- 888
Well.. from the sounds of it, you've eigther come to terms with the fact that your husband is sleeping around or you are looking for some sort of revenge. Personally it sounds more like the former, so riddle me this;
If you were to start sleeping with other men, would you be overlooking your husband being with other women?
If both partners are cheating on eachother, they are just steps away from an open relationship. The only barrier is honesty.
Marriage is a piece of paper; it bothers me that people feel there is different "morals" in marriage than there is in any other long term serious relationship. How would your feelings differ if you lived together but had not married?
If you were to start sleeping with other men, would you be overlooking your husband being with other women?
If both partners are cheating on eachother, they are just steps away from an open relationship. The only barrier is honesty.
Marriage is a piece of paper; it bothers me that people feel there is different "morals" in marriage than there is in any other long term serious relationship. How would your feelings differ if you lived together but had not married?
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
Personally, I say either bring up the possibility of an open relationship, if he agrees then go for it. Or leave him and go for it. Or stay with him in a closed relationship and don't cheat. You asked for opinions, my opinion is cheating and lying about it to your partner, married or not, is not ok. If you're going to lie to your husband and cheat, why be together at all?
I wouldn't go so far as to say it makes you a bad person, just that I consider it a bad choice.
I wouldn't go so far as to say it makes you a bad person, just that I consider it a bad choice.
If I wanted to do it out of revenge or spite I would have already went and done it and now he comes and goes and marriage is a disaster I offered him the opportunity to stop and fix our marriage and he says I'm being controlling because they are still friends even though he fucked her and no I take the same value in a long term relationship marriage or relationship I think they're the same thing it's a commitment
No I don't want to cheat he doesn't want me I feel like he wants to use me. I love my husband and would love for him to give up her and come back to me I want that more than anything I would try really hard to see past what he's done to me that's how much she means to me but he thinks I'm controlling because I gave him the ultimatum either me or her no friendship in between so he says I'm a bitch because I'm controlling my heart aches I want my husband I want to be happy I crave attention it's been a long time anybody give me attention except for four people that I'm not sure I'm ready for or want actually I know what I want but I guess I can't have it
JessFR
Bluelight Crew
You can't help who you love, but to be completely honest it sounds like you should leave him from what you're saying.
It might have been controlling before he slept with her, but I completely understand you not wanting him to see her when he cheated with her.
I know what I said before, and I still think cheating is a bad thing, but I wouldn't judge you for cheating on him if for all intents and purposes he is no longer being a husband to you and doesn't seem to care to. Ultimately I think you should consider separating, but cheating in a marriage you're more or less stuck in where your husband doesn't show you respect or commitment is not the same as cheating on a husband who made a mistake and still wants the marriage to work. In my view anyway.
It's really all up to you, only you can decide what you're willing to go through to try and save your marriage, but if he doesn't love you anymore, i don't know that he doesn't, but if he doesn't, then you can't make him love you again anymore than you can make yourself stop loving him.
It sucks, I'm sorry you're having to go through this hun.
It might have been controlling before he slept with her, but I completely understand you not wanting him to see her when he cheated with her.
I know what I said before, and I still think cheating is a bad thing, but I wouldn't judge you for cheating on him if for all intents and purposes he is no longer being a husband to you and doesn't seem to care to. Ultimately I think you should consider separating, but cheating in a marriage you're more or less stuck in where your husband doesn't show you respect or commitment is not the same as cheating on a husband who made a mistake and still wants the marriage to work. In my view anyway.
It's really all up to you, only you can decide what you're willing to go through to try and save your marriage, but if he doesn't love you anymore, i don't know that he doesn't, but if he doesn't, then you can't make him love you again anymore than you can make yourself stop loving him.
It sucks, I'm sorry you're having to go through this hun.
I'm going to say this in a 'tough-love' kind of way.
You're showing a serious lack of self-respect staying with your husband. When you don't respect yourself, no one else does either. So these potential suitors of yours, whom tell you all the things you like to hear? Yeah, they don't respect you either. If they say they do; they're lying. If you believe they do; you're lying to yourself.
I honestly have nothing else to say in regards of these other guys because your issue is your marriage. The guy is in and out, boning 22 year olds, and threw his vows out the window. You're experiencing temptation, yet you try to say that it wouldn't be for revenge or spite? How exactly is it not when you refuse to leave the marriage? Don't even toss the 'L' word out there. That only makes you even more irrational. I'd wager a years salary that if you slept with someone else, your husband would be one of the first people to find out about it.
Place your focus on where it should be. That's my advice.
You're showing a serious lack of self-respect staying with your husband. When you don't respect yourself, no one else does either. So these potential suitors of yours, whom tell you all the things you like to hear? Yeah, they don't respect you either. If they say they do; they're lying. If you believe they do; you're lying to yourself.
I honestly have nothing else to say in regards of these other guys because your issue is your marriage. The guy is in and out, boning 22 year olds, and threw his vows out the window. You're experiencing temptation, yet you try to say that it wouldn't be for revenge or spite? How exactly is it not when you refuse to leave the marriage? Don't even toss the 'L' word out there. That only makes you even more irrational. I'd wager a years salary that if you slept with someone else, your husband would be one of the first people to find out about it.
Place your focus on where it should be. That's my advice.
Teabag Johnny
Bluelighter
There is absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting with cucumbers. You may be a little swore the next day tough.
You told me how is I respect that I don't want people making me feel better and you're right my self respect is not very good I appreciate your honesty it means so much I don't think my children respect me right now because of how I respect myself in this situation
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
I'm sorry you are in this place and he has deflected onto you with blame via labeling you as controlling because he will not take responsibility. This is a load of shit. I would offer an ultimatum to seek marriage counseling. First things first, even though you are interested in other men…. If you want to stay with him. He comes and goes you say? I am just curious to what this means. Does he still live with you after he has been unfaithful?
I think you'll feel better about yourself in the long run, if you don't engage in other relations and inquire within yourself as to what you really want. A distraction from what's happening might not lead to a healthy place for you or your children. You deserve the best and do come first, as you are the only person you got and need to respect yourself.
I think you'll feel better about yourself in the long run, if you don't engage in other relations and inquire within yourself as to what you really want. A distraction from what's happening might not lead to a healthy place for you or your children. You deserve the best and do come first, as you are the only person you got and need to respect yourself.
I'm not interested in other men per se but not to make myself look horrible but even I crave sex all the time and it's been a long time but yes I need to reflect on myself and yes he lives here for 5 days maybe then leaves for a week or so then comes back for a couple of days it's been that way for a while our marriage has been a disaster since January and I've never cheated I guess I should maybe just go to one of the adult shops for my wants I had to say that something funny in the whole situation
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Perhaps. That may be a temporary solution. I'm not you but I would not live with him if possible right now. It might be good to have some distance, and separate. I do understand this can be difficult with children, and other circumstances I am not aware of… but I know I would need my space in a similar situation away from a partner that slept with someone else, to truly reflect and be in another environment, or ask him to stay elsewhere.
Anyways, thank you for talking about it. I know opening up is a first step sometimes to make a true change for the better
Anyways, thank you for talking about it. I know opening up is a first step sometimes to make a true change for the better
dopemaster
Bluelight Crew
It probably is not going to get better.
He is cheating on you. You got to come to terms with that. Personally for me that would be it. I have never been married so I do not know if I would forgive someone if I married them. So I can't put myself in your shoes completely.
I did live with a woman for about 3 years. Things kind of just fizzled out. I was done having sex with her. I just was. I didn't sleep with anyone else because I did not want to hurt her. It was like we were room mates. It was hard because she was probably the best friend I ever had and we are still friends. I just knew I could not marry her because I was not attracted to her anymore and never would be. So it was her and not me and it was selfish in a way to decide one day I was no longer attracted but it was what it was.
I suppose the attraction ended after I stopped drinking. I decided I was done with curvy women. That was that.
Anyways she cheated on me and I used it as an excuse to end things. It was convienient for me but I think we did rush into moving in together too soon anyways and for the wrong reasons. We were both unhappy with our living situations and like I said we were good friends too. It was the best friendship I ever had with a woman but not the best romance but at the time it was very intense. So we moved in together and were stuck together. Now up until the last few months it was all good.
But when it was over it was over. That is my point. Afterwards she tried to get me back and I just was not going to get back with her. I think the ultimatum is fine. In a marriage I think that is reasonable. Your swore to foresake all others.
If you are cool with him living with you and sleeping with someone else well than that is just a marraige of conveience gone a bit too far. I would say you are being used. It is time to move on. It is not going to get any easier. So maybe it is time to tell him to pack his shit since he is the one who fucked around. That is what I did but then again it was my house so I had the luxury too.
Still there is no way I could ever get past someone cheating on me. Like I said before I might forgive in a marriage but the fact that it is continuing on and he does not even feel bad about it really changes things. That is fucking selfish. Then he calls you a bitch for him fucking around on you and you not liking it? Fuck that.
That is just my opinion. If you are dead set on fixing this thing, maybe go to couples therapy and insist that you will not be in a marriage where there is no fidelity. That is it. It is really simple. You can just go on with things the way they are but it won't change if you accept them as the way they are. So if you want change it is most likely in divorce.
All that being said there is no shame in feeling sad about it all. There is also no shame in seeking companionship elsewhere. I think it may take some time but you know getting laid may help but it sounds like you still feel as though you are betraying your husband but he already cheated and is cheating so you are free to sleep with who you want. If you want to fuck him over in the divorce you might want to wait.
He is cheating on you. You got to come to terms with that. Personally for me that would be it. I have never been married so I do not know if I would forgive someone if I married them. So I can't put myself in your shoes completely.
I did live with a woman for about 3 years. Things kind of just fizzled out. I was done having sex with her. I just was. I didn't sleep with anyone else because I did not want to hurt her. It was like we were room mates. It was hard because she was probably the best friend I ever had and we are still friends. I just knew I could not marry her because I was not attracted to her anymore and never would be. So it was her and not me and it was selfish in a way to decide one day I was no longer attracted but it was what it was.
I suppose the attraction ended after I stopped drinking. I decided I was done with curvy women. That was that.
Anyways she cheated on me and I used it as an excuse to end things. It was convienient for me but I think we did rush into moving in together too soon anyways and for the wrong reasons. We were both unhappy with our living situations and like I said we were good friends too. It was the best friendship I ever had with a woman but not the best romance but at the time it was very intense. So we moved in together and were stuck together. Now up until the last few months it was all good.
But when it was over it was over. That is my point. Afterwards she tried to get me back and I just was not going to get back with her. I think the ultimatum is fine. In a marriage I think that is reasonable. Your swore to foresake all others.
If you are cool with him living with you and sleeping with someone else well than that is just a marraige of conveience gone a bit too far. I would say you are being used. It is time to move on. It is not going to get any easier. So maybe it is time to tell him to pack his shit since he is the one who fucked around. That is what I did but then again it was my house so I had the luxury too.
Still there is no way I could ever get past someone cheating on me. Like I said before I might forgive in a marriage but the fact that it is continuing on and he does not even feel bad about it really changes things. That is fucking selfish. Then he calls you a bitch for him fucking around on you and you not liking it? Fuck that.
That is just my opinion. If you are dead set on fixing this thing, maybe go to couples therapy and insist that you will not be in a marriage where there is no fidelity. That is it. It is really simple. You can just go on with things the way they are but it won't change if you accept them as the way they are. So if you want change it is most likely in divorce.
All that being said there is no shame in feeling sad about it all. There is also no shame in seeking companionship elsewhere. I think it may take some time but you know getting laid may help but it sounds like you still feel as though you are betraying your husband but he already cheated and is cheating so you are free to sleep with who you want. If you want to fuck him over in the divorce you might want to wait.