Mental Health Addicted to Adrenaline and Being a Public Nuisance

[iridescentblack]

I'm addicted to adrenaline and the fear that comes with being a public nuisance and what might happen if people try to have me arrested for it.

I've been arrested in the past for being a public nuisance. I used to pull off harmless pranks and the cops would get called. Of course, they didn't have anything valid to pin on my record so they'd send me to hospitals to be evaluated. Often the doctors would write a script or call my guardians and I'd be off the hook. But there's something about the adrenaline I get that drives me to be a bigger nuisance in the future.

Going nowhere with my life, I've recently recovered from schizoaffective disorder and my psychiatrist is taking me off medications soon. I really have no plans. No drive to get a job. I like being in public and socializing with people. There's something about walking along the side walk and occasionally moving my hands around that gets people in their cars all worked up. Sometimes they splash me when the roads are wet. Sometimes they veer off the road because they're busy looking at me in their mirror. I don't like the attention, but I guess it doesn't bother me much either. When people give me bad vibes I just start moving my hands around like a sorcerer. I can't help it.

Anyway, my fear is that one of these days, people will see me from their big SUV's and trucks moving my hands around like a sorcerer and pull over and start a fight. (There have been instances where people have turned around to go by me a second or third time). I love it, when that happens. I feel the butterflies in my guts and it gets me all warm in a way like being next to a fireplace after a cold day playing in the snow. I wouldn't consider myself immature. I am very grown up and can easily hold adult conversations without taking things like potential innuendos out of context and playing around while people are trying to be serious. I just feel like I'll end up like one of those nutcases on the news who everyone kinda thought was kooky and weird but not hurting anyone and then some derelict decided to beat him to death with a baseball bat. Or like Jesus, hung up on a cross until he was dead and shit, before being resuscitated and brought to Kashmir.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Lol, moving your hand like a sorcerer.

Bro, you made another thread about violent thoughts. I can totally relate to both this thread and that one.

I get paranoid that people will try to get me because of how "rude" or "insensitive" i can be.

I too can be very civil, i just like to troll. It helps to have something to lose - a job? Direction. Structure. I know those things suck and can be hard, but it's really necessary to "make it".

Thanks for your thread, curious to other replys.

You are very well spoken.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I didn't think that schizoaffective disorder was something that went away.

 

[iridescentblack]

I didn't think that schizoaffective disorder was something that went away.

I guess what I mean is in like statistics and stuff...? They say something like 1 in every 3 schizophrenics go on to live normal lives. In some cultures they're called shaman, but the ordeal is usually a guided process and in cultures that are not by any means indigenous, the illness usually just progressively gets worse. As a general rule, some psychologists and psychiatrists say that schizophrenia gets a lot worse if it happens before a person is 20-something. I think the illness is completely manageable given the right set of circumstances. For example, a lot of indigenous are fearful of having their only child become a shaman because in their belief they'll be a lot harder to raise. In a family of several children, the growing shaman is easier to handle carefully and more often grows up fine in a bigger family. To summarize, the more love, the better off they are. I know it probably sounds like schizophrenics or potential shamans (depending on what you believe) are weak and they need more love than the average human to potentially get better, and this is true and false. A mentally ill person is mentally ill whether they're imbedded in a culture that can understand them better or send them off through hardships because they are.

I probably didn't explain that well at all...

To summarize: it doesn't go away. A lot of illnesses can be healed through what some call miracles. Most of us call it medicine. Mental illness is not known by probably any culture to have known cures, but in rare occasions, the symptoms of the illness subside and the person becomes a healer. The terms and information are all pretty technical but the idea is simple: a shaman has to go through an illness, heal herself, and then help others heal. I don't expect people to believe me. Healing is something you have to experience for yourself.

Northern Tradition Shamanism: Dead Men Walking: Shaman Sickness