Stimulants Adderall & motivation, pleasure, learning, etc

[arohydro]

Hi,

Please approach this thread with empathy, understanding, and compassion. I need help.

You can search my post history, I've asked something similar before, but I have new conditions, and I want to make the best decision moving forward.

Keep all of this in mind while reading: I try to supplement, when possible, with antioxidants and magnesium, I try to eat enough, drink plenty of water, and get lots of sleep. I still _do_not_ get enough sleep, can't eat enough, and I have certainly overheated, been dehydrated, and exercised during these periods.

First period of adderall (prescribed) - I used it for a few months last year, between June and August. During that period I was highly motivated, consistently applied difficult self-development principles (mindfulness, meditation, forgiveness, etc), felt great about myself, exercised regularly, enjoyed my life, but still had trouble focusing and needed assistance.

After I stopped, I noticed my motivation was lacking for a long time after, I stopped enjoying music (which had been a constant pleasure for me no matter how bad my life got, and the most concerning and troubling absence of anything else listed here today directly following the adderall use), and ultimately the passion I had before was depleted and replaced with apathy.

However, I went through a lot of life changes during that period, and dealt with an OCD flare up (I desperately want to believe that one particular obsession, one sinking thought I had, took root in my brain during this period and caused all of these problems, because it would mean I could recover.)

Now, I've been on it again, for about 2 and 1/2 months. For the first 4 weeks, I took 10 mg/day, with 2-3 rest days. I then upped to 15 mg/day with 1-2 rest days for another 4 weeks, and I've been at roughly 20 mg per day for 2 weeks with 1 rest day for that entire period.

Recently, in the throes of a move, I popped 20mg over time and did not eat much of anything all day because I needed to get a lot done. It prompted me, with the subsequent feeling of complete exhaustion, hopelessness, desire to simply cease existing, to re-examine the way I conduct my life.

I have read so much literature over the years about how you can destroy your ability to feel, to be motivated, to enjoy life, with drugs like MDMA, adderall, and cocaine. I am extremely familiar - too much so, for an obsessive person like myself - with their respective methods of action, pharmacokinetics, etc. For a long time, I swore I would never even try adderall. Not once. Now look at where I'm at.

It scares me to death. I already experienced a period where the things I loved were no longer as enjoyable (and have not since returned), and I fell into a pit of obsession regarding it (which is the most likely cause for it all, rather than the adderall.)

Have I fucked myself up? I want to get off the drug and use diet & exercise to treat myself, but if I'm going to live without the same level of motivation, comfort, and enjoyment as I used to, I might as well just take the stuff for the rest of my life.

Can anyone offer reassurance, or additionally, something more solid than kind words?

Thank you so much for reading, and for any help.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hmm, I'm not entirely sure as to what you're asking here - but from the looks of it it sounds as if the so called honeymoon period with adderall has now worn out for you. Are you prescribed it for a genuine condition?

However you've mentioned that you're not eating and getting enough sleep too. I have adhd and was prescribed dexedrine @ 40mg a day for the past three years, which worked consistently and I suffered no reduction in its therapeutic benefit, however I had a strict sleeping schedule and had to make sure I ate, stayed hydrated and kept my fitness levels up (which the dexedrine actually motivated me to do). If you don't, the medication becomes useless and effectively makes it work in the opposite manner.

I've just been in rehab where they've refused to acknowledge my adhd, my shrink has taken it away from me, and now I'm using cocaine everyday. Life without dexedrine for me is a terrible terrible struggle. Not sure what the lesser of two evils is. I'm trying desperately to get my meds back but to little avail. The dexedrine keeps me functioning at a normal level, without it I decend back into addiction, which is what I'm doing currently.

 

[Hecticus]

You're describing withdrawal. It takes months for motivation to restore after amphetamines imo.
Unless your ok with being on them long term, but you'll grow tolerant to the motivational aspects of the drug as well.
Quitting is your best bet, your motivation will come back.

 

[EarthBounded]

You have in no way shape or form " Fucked yourself up " It would take more amphetamine to do damage like that.
Sounds like you have other problems ( no offense )

Adderall use can cause OCD, that is one thing you will just have to deal with. it will however go away with time.

Also it does not take " months " to withdrawal from D-AMP, literally your looking at a week's withdrawal period.

You could also be simply addicted, not a hard drug to drop...

I do agree with Hectius that your best bet is just quiting, sometimes its just a part of growing up...
We forget problems arise naturally with or without drugs

 

[InterestingFACT]

You're talking about withdrawal. I've certainly had this problem while ending a period of stimulant use. For me, the worst of it (sleepiness, incredible apathy) has only ever lasted a few days. But motivation, focus, and enjoyment of the world can certainly take longer than that to recover. It's nothing to worry about, your brain has just adapted to the presence of the drug, and now you need to give it time to adapt to its absence. You'll get through it.

 

[neversickanymore]

I do not feal it will take long at all to regroup. Your dose was pretty small. So why don't you implement the exercise and I bet you feal great in a week or even less. Thirty minutes of aerobic or more. Should do wonders for your sleep and appetite as well.

 

[DementiaSavantPlus]

There is also a period of post acute withdrawal, which occurs after the one week of debilitating fatigue, and (for me) cravings for ice cream. The post withdrawal is characterized by a more functional, but depressed, existence. It may take about 4 to 6 months for this to clear up.

I was able to jumpstart myself by taking a good rhodiola rosea supplement. Most herbal supplements are too mild to be noticed, especially in light of a strong chemical like amphetamine. But rhodiola is one that worked wonders for me after I had been off of Adderall for about 6 months.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Post acute withdrawal syndrome lasts for months or years.

If you genuinely need it I wouldn't worry. What's honestly the matter? You're just taking a medication. Hundreds of millions of people take medication.