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Abusive relationship, excessive unwanted transparency and spying.

flyhighk

flyhighk

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2013
Messages
3,107
Location
Lebanon
I'm writing this on behalf of a female friend.


She's 16, he's 19 and they've been together for ~5 weeks. Two weeks ago, she found out he had partial remote access to her phone (including pictures, camera, and location.) He often tracks and follows her when she's hanging out with friends, and can watch her through her camera.

Obviously, she doesn't like what he's doing and wants more privacy but still likes him. He doesn't seem to have any intentions of stopping, even after being confronted about it many times. He's also very possessive, jealous and controlling in other ways. He always asks "Where are you? Who are you texting? What are you doing?" etc. and when he gets mad (happens often) he leaves unexpectedly with the following excuse "I'm leaving before I hurt you". As far as she knows, he only lied once (he sent her a fake picture of him with his ex). He doesn't like being with her in front of other people and criticizes her for being "too innocent and too gentle".


What would you tell her ? Honest and blunt opinions are appreciated.
 
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She needs to RUN!
If this is his level of paranoia and control for a new relationship still in the 'honeymoon period' then I would hate to see him after a longer period.
Watching her through her phone? WTF! Alarm bells are ringing.
This level of possession and jealousy can easily turn into abuse. Please urge her to move on before it gets worse.
 
Break up with him. Have her just cut off all contact but make sure she's safe from him since he said he wanted to hurt her. Maybe get a restraining order or something? He has trust and control issues, and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. He did say he could hurt her when she said for him to stop spying on him.

Plus she's 16 and he's 19 in some places that's illegal; but in other countries it's perfectly legal. But she should find someone else who doesn't spy on her, and who doesn't have control issues.

I was in a relationship with someone who claimed to do this to me with my phone calls, emails, and what I would do on the internet. It turns out they were just lying but this guy didn't respect my boundaries yet demanded that I and everyone else who he knew, and he loved to be in control of pretty much everyone even his dogs.
 
Be gentle with her and her situation. Don't bring up your worries to her in a blunt manner and expect that to change her mind cause if she herself knows all this and is still in the relationship she is to some degree deluding herself. The only advice I can extend to you with confidence is be ready if and when the shit hits the fan.
 
flyhighk said:
Two weeks ago, she found out he had partial remote access to her phone (including pictures, camera, and location.) He often tracks and follows her when she's hanging out with friends, and can watch her through her camera.
....

Obviously, she doesn't like what he's doing and wants more privacy but still likes him.
Click to expand...

she should talk to a psychologist or a therapist imo, see why she is willing to accept that kind of behaviour.
 
are you for real Mysterie, i think thats a little ott.

thats not legal right?

how is he even doing that, are there stalker apps available now or something?

she should tell him it aint on and dip out. sticking with this dude sounds like a high probability of ending in pain.
 
ya im for real, she has some deep rooted issues if her reaction to him doing stuff like that isn't "get fucked mate"

instead if she is "welll.. i still like him", that is a sign of some pretty masochistic tendencies i think.

it could save her going through 10 more similarly abusive relationships

if i was flyhighk i dont know how i could get that msg across tho, obviously i would tell her to ditch the guy, but if she is on the fence i don't rlly know what good advice can be given. sometimes people have their own path to follow, and theres not much that can be done to stop them getting into trouble. she would have to want help and seek help in order for that to happen anyway. obviously its based on very limited information, but i think there is something wrong here, with the information i have seen, about her reaction to some pretty obviously controlling/obsessive behaviour on the part of her bf.
 
i respect her for thinking the best of a person, even if he does sound like a so and so..

suggesting she needs to see a therapist for looking for the good in a person, i find for lack of a better word, disheartening.

you go on to say there is limited information (which, as usual, is correct here on the internets), yet you are happy to say dearest has "deep rooted issues" ?

anyway its all hypothetical games, as usual, due to the pre mentioned lack of details/full story.

i just hope the dude realises that shit aint fair and that she is safe and isn't hurt.
 
Well I'm prbly biased bcus I see therapy or any form of introspection as a positive thing.

I can empathise that she wants to see the good in him, but I think it's naive.

I think ur just looking for an argument laugh :p
 
introspection imo fine - therapy imo paying for someone else's intro/outrospection

naiveity is suggesting its the victims fault

never - i'm a pacifist. (see also potential preconceived notions/bias)
 
In Australia you can see a psychologist with a mental health plan obtained by seeing a dr, you get 5 free visits

She didn't get raped, she is in a relationship with someone who is a control freak, and she is a position to end that relationship and is choosing not to. So the impetus is on her, there isn't a blame game.
 
He's a walking piece of shit loser. He'll be beating up, raping women for years until he is locked up.

Also, she is a child - if this is the USA, call the police have him arrested for underage sex / stalking.

"I'm leaving before I hurt you" = a pussy. A bully. I *WILL* be hurting you, sooner or later.

She thinks its amusing? Oh, yeah - because she is what we call, "A CHILD". Just because her vagina bleeds every 4 weeks, doesn't make her an adult.

There are some women (Shall I say, those who haven't learned), who are in the 30s, 40s who live with guys like that, marry them... cry about what an asshole he is, but say "But I loooooooooove him".

Life is a bitch without someone beating the shit out you to make them think they are a man. I'm a muscular 225lb man, I can easily pick up my 102lb wife. I've never hit her. I've never threatened to hit her. I don't need to break her face to prove anything. I prove I am a man by respecting her, by making love to her, eating her out. Take her out dancing and more.

So if your friend "doesn't like it" and continues to hang out with this loser. That is all she'll be. Also, "jealous control types" are exactly the kind of guys who **DO CHEAT**! All of them.

She also needs to get her phone cleaned out and locate how he is tracking her. There is a chance he has broken laws. If I was her dad, my foot would be up that guys ass. And the second a pussy like that hurt my child - he'd wish he was dead.

So, years from now, if she complaining about him calling her names, slapping her around, blaming her for his fuckups, while their baby is screaming in the background.

Don't give a shit. She can either leave him, or stay with him... crying about it won't change a thing.
Losers like him are a dime a dozen. Same, sob-story... and they only hook up with women who are dumb enough to live that way.

Good luck with your friend. In 5 years - see which way she chooses to live.

 
Tell her to get an education, stay in schoool. I've had dumb girls in my life who used miserably failed at securing their "secret" double lives. 5 weeks is pretty fast but I've experienced worst.. like a few hours.

from deleted txt msgs, to deleting cache, on my own device.

Result: gtfo.

---------

... getting strange calls and msgs at night whilst sharing a bed.

dumb one came over she managed to go though my account to read my msgs.

Result: karma, gtfo.

-----------

Last girl was I admit pretty quick, she did memorize my password years ago.

She re-memorized in like 10 secs.

Super wasted and stole my device... disappeared with her friends. Couldnt even find her till x amount of time later she was hiding lol. Anyways got it back later on I tried getting her contact back (she deleted it by accident while going through my shit). Luckily the device was nothing at all to read, jokes on you. She was a nice person with a great heart who taught me more than I could ever imagine. Eye wish you all the best! Made me happier those few times talking almost more than almost any other dumb girl I wasted time hanging out with.

Result: fail.

------------

Learn to secure your fake garbage, even if there's nothing to hide!
Never trust anybody. Teachers always taught us that in school.

When you lie to others your just lying to yourself.

Maybe shes not telling you the full story and as for whoever this guy. No way this is completely one-sided as the guy is a bad abusive invasive person. Usually your dreams will tell you something is wrong with yoself or others.

I've never been happier getting those fuxked up loser people out of my life, deleteverythingoodriddance.

Love is a trap and magik sets us free.
 
Turns out she still took your advice guys, even though she found it amusing for some reason. She left him ~10 days ago, but as you'd expect, it ended with threats of ruining her reputation and spreading rumors about her if she makes his behavior known.
 
That's good that she took the advice. Better to break up sooner rather than later. Hopefully he won't bother her too much (like how immature breakups can sometimes end).

I'm glad she figured it out. Sounds like she is pretty smart :)
 
Well, if he says anything about her...

She could tell the other girls he has a small penis, he cums in 10 seconds, sometimes his breath smells like cock and then call the police on him for statutory rape.

*IF* I was her parents, I would.
 
Clitnhawk said:
Well, if he says anything about her...

She could tell the other girls he has a small penis, he cums in 10 seconds, sometimes his breath smells like cock and then call the police on him for statutory rape.

*IF* I was her parents, I would.
Click to expand...

calm down ffs (are you an angry dad by any chance?). this guy is a douche and best way to deal with douches is diplomatically.

ignore and move on
 
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