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A relationship with depression

M

Mjo95jr

Greenlighter
Joined
May 2, 2015
Messages
36
On mobile sorry if formatting is weird.

I feel this is the right place to put this topic, after the mods read through and if they feel it makes more sense to be on TDS feel free to move it.

To start:
I have been suffering from diagnosied depression for about 1.5 years now and looking back I have been for many years. I have always been very closed off about letting anyone know this part of me and for the most part I wear a mask when I am out in public. Where the issue I want to talk about starts with relationships

Some background:
I have recently started seeing a girl. I am a 20 year old male in my junior year of college. We have been getting close over the last few weeks and it feels great to finally get into a relationship, we have yet to define what it is though, but that is not the issue. I am new to the whole relationship thing, first girlfriend type of thing, but like I said, not defined yet.

The issue:
The one thing I haven't told her until I had to was that I suffer from depression. It is tough for me to talk about it with my mom (we have a very close relationship) and my therapist, let alone my best friends (they don't even know I have depression). I have trouble sharing this part of me because I don't want anyone to see me differently or have to be careful or hesitant around me because of it. After some back and forth, after I told her about my depression, she said that she feels taken advantage of for being intimate together without telling her about my depression. I feel bad I didn't, but I also feel bad telling her. Whether people say they don't change their view of you if you have depression or not, I feel like it does regardless. I'm confused on how to go about this the right way. I really like this girl and don't want to fuck it up.
 
Well it's kind of natural not to reveal your whole personality within the first 10 minutes. It's a self defense mechanism. And natural, until we feel safe with our partner. She feeling taking advantage sounds a bit too much ? It's not like you took her advantage while she was drunk? What does she mean with took advantage really ? What advantage did you took ? And why was an advantage ? It almost sounds as if she told you : Well if only you had told me about your depression , I would never be with you ! Thats the only way I can think of taking advantage of her ? Maybe its a language issue since English is not my first language so sorry if I dont understand that correctly.

I understand how you feel but since you are immature you will find out sooner than later that relationships are all about honesty and accepting the other for who he is. Of course these things take time. If you think you will fuck it because you told her u suffer from depression then I guess its time to look for another friend ?
 
that was a weird attitude from her. talk to her about it, that's the best way to deal with it i guess. why does she feel taken advantage of? remember to tell her that it is not a subject that you feel comfortable sharing.

on the other hand, why do you feel like you have something to hide? i guess may be you don't express you feeling like shit for others, act like you're happy (just a guess)? it doesn't have to be like that. it's OK not to be OK.
 
Yeah, very bizarre attitude from her. When your partner opens up to you, that's a good thing. If I blurted out my entire life story on our first date, my partner probably would have freaked. EVERYONE has issues. I tell very few people about my anxiety. And no one, except my current partner, knows that I was previously depressed (not much anymore) and also debated suicide. But I told him that like a year or so into our relationship. He also didn't tell me that he went through depression as well. A LOT better now. In fact it's basically "cured" now. You don't say these things when you first start to meet someone. That's not common practice. Not everyone is perfect. You get to know a person, you gradually get to know these oddities about them. If you truly love the person, you accept these "flaws" or personality traits.
Relationships are about accepting people even though they aren't perfect. The second I found out about my partner's depression, I didn't at all think "oh that's weird, I should leave", I wanted to make him feel better. I brainstormed everything I could do to help him.
Perhaps your girlfriend was just surprised. Not sure how to take it. I hope so anyway. <3
 
To answer some of the questions posed. About why she made feel taken advantage of, I don't know. The two of us being intimate and physical in our relationship, on top of mentally, might be the part she has a problem with me only now telling her. On top of that, we took our time with it, we both talked about it and waited so we didn't rush into anything. We have been open with each other, minus me leaving this out. I also can see where some shock may come in her mind. I always seem like a very stable person, I mask my my symptoms well, never projecting on others. And I do this to help other people, I'm normally a very giving person and it pains me to share this part of me, so yes, it is very difficult to talk about.

I feel that if I had shared this with her earlier it would have caused a separation, I would just have been seen as a broken person and she wouldn't have given us a chance. Like I said, its only been a few weeks, and this is not something to share lightly. We talked a little bit last night via text, but I really want to sit down with her and talk about it. Do you guys have any suggestions?
- Side note: I have explained to her that it is difficult for me to share and a lot of what I said in my original post.
 
What the fuck? She feels taken advantage of? So she wouldn't have had sex with you if you said you were depressed BEFORE hand?!
I just can't even comprehend the insensitivity behind such a statement..
As serious as depression is, it's still JUST DEPRESSION! It's not like you neglected to tell her you were a registered sex offender or something like that.. Jesus. . Sorry for the agressive post but that just really irks me.. especially since partners are the ones you're supposed to be able to rely on for support for things like this....
 
depression is something very normal (unfortunately)... I fail to see how she could feel like being taken advantage of? what does that even mean in this context? strange...
 
ChipTrippyFox said:
As serious as depression is, it's still JUST DEPRESSION! It's not like you neglected to tell her you were a registered sex offender or something like that.. Jesus. . Sorry for the agressive post but that just really irks me.. especially since partners are the ones you're supposed to be able to rely on for support for things like this....
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This is a similar feeling I got. Me saying this should be openly accepted, not be closed off. Which again came to my point of people see those with depression as something less, or broken.
 
Bagseed said:
depression is something very normal (unfortunately)... I fail to see how she could feel like being taken advantage of? what does that even mean in this context? strange...
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I am also lost in this way as well. I could understand a hiccup of trust (only kinda). But this is another thing, and I don't get it. My only thought is that she wouldn't have if I told her before hand which isn't hepping my thoughts right now.
 
You might not like hearing this, but suffering from depression while with someone who is insensitive to depression is going to make it worse, especially if you feel like you can't speak openly about it with her or if you receive negative responses. You will have to decide whether or not she will be healthy for you emotionally in the long term.
 
Hopefully it doesn't come to that point. We are going to talk about it soon, both busy with school work right now, and we want to do it in person. Thanks for the support guys, ill post with updates :)
 
pofacedhoe said:
this
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HA! Agreed. Weird as fuck. Something like one in four 20-somethings have depression, and not disclosing it immediately to someone you're really into is pretty typical, especially when you're afraid of judgment... like the exact judgment you're getting... How was this chick taken advantage of? I'm lost.
 
The thing is Mjo, most people have a very limited understanding of mental health issues. People can still be pretty judgmental about it and there is a lot of stigma surrounding it. Even certain people that are being treated for mental illness can have a limited grasp of what is going on with them.

It's good that you opened up. Nice move. Being open with people and telling them how you feel is a step in the right direction.

I think it's honestly pretty normal to be depressed at your age. College can be difficult. Don't ever let somebody make you feel bad about it though. People that think we don't live in a depressing world have their eyes closed, aside from the predisposition and chemical imbalances that you may have. Some people never experience it and just don't get it and never will. If it's a hang-up with her, and it's making you feel worse, time to move on.

I'm not saying give up on it immediately, but if it's causing you stress, then you don't need to add fuel to the fire. Don't let it feed your insecurity though. There is nothing wrong with you.
 
jammin83 said:
I think it's honestly pretty normal to be depressed at your age. College can be difficult. Don't ever let somebody make you feel bad about it though. People that think we don't live in a depressing world have their eyes closed, aside from the predisposition and chemical imbalances that you may have. Some people never experience it and just don't get it and never will.
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If you haven't experienced a bout of depression at a young age when faced with the grim reality of the modern world then you're half dead.. how could one not get depressed, modern society is an absolute mess haha. Aside from genuine chemical imbalances and traumatic experiences, depression is more akin to actually beginning to think straight more than anything. It takes some serious hypnosis to be blind to the shitfest of modern society. Hit me like a tonne of bricks at 15.
 
jammin83 said:
The thing is Mjo, most people have a very limited understanding of mental health issues. People can still be pretty judgmental about it and there is a lot of stigma surrounding it. Even certain people that are being treated for mental illness can have a limited grasp of what is going on with them.

It's good that you opened up. Nice move. Being open with people and telling them how you feel is a step in the right direction.

I think it's honestly pretty normal to be depressed at your age. College can be difficult. Don't ever let somebody make you feel bad about it though. People that think we don't live in a depressing world have their eyes closed, aside from the predisposition and chemical imbalances that you may have. Some people never experience it and just don't get it and never will. If it's a hang-up with her, and it's making you feel worse, time to move on.

I'm not saying give up on it immediately, but if it's causing you stress, then you don't need to add fuel to the fire. Don't let it feed your insecurity though. There is nothing wrong with you.
Click to expand...

Thanks jammin, appreciate the support. And I'm giving her a little benefit of the doubt regarding a lack of knowledge. I just don't want the stigma... I'm finally starting to open recently and it's feeling better each time. Her and I need to talk this out and having your guys support helps a ton.
 
Hey guys, just wanna give you all an update of how it went. Good news, it went well. We had a chat about it and she felt she was in the wrong. She apologized and explained she was shocked. We talked things over and we are in a good place now. Thanks for the support guys!
 
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