XxBeccaRollrxX
Bluelighter
ok - if you're here now, know that I won't be offended if you don't stay. I just need to write.. to write right now and I don't know why, but I'm feeling very comfy on the board and I just really need to get this off my chest.
Lately, (like within the past 5 months) my life has been less than perfect. Actually, it's been filled with a lot of pain.
September 14, 1999 - the trip was set to commence. You should know first that I go to a private, Jewish perochial school (it's such a bitch, let me tell you) and during junior year (yes, I'm young - I know I know - think of me as a mature almost 17 year old
) anyway, during junior year, it's kind of a given that pretty much the entire grade spends a semester studying and going to school in Israel. Everyone goes - you don't want to be the outcast left at home with 2 people in your grade and missing out on the bonding, the experience, the change, the culture, and the memories.
My friends before me had done it and all loved it, coming home changed and better than they were before they left. It seemed like a right of passage. It's really an experience living in another country. I was excited. So I went.
About my school.... well, while I have my friends, I am not the most social butterfly (you could probably imagine the stereotypical sheltered kids in my school -- I'm lucky I live in a city). I chose not to get wrapped up in the superficial cliques that surround highschool adolecence. I chose the ones I let close to me very carefully. So, with that in mind, and knowing the people I had come on the trip with, I made other friends outside the program. That was only the beginning of the trouble. I went places I was forbidden to go to (Arab territories that were considered unsafe), and I smoked cigarettes on campus, which you were forbidden to do. I didn't adhere to the rules. And I got caught for every one I broke.
3 weeks after my arrival, I was kicked out. In the 16 years my school had been assocaited with this program, I was 1 in 6 to have ever been kicked out. The other reasons for expulsion: theft, drugs, drinking. Me? cigarettes. It seemed surreal that something so small could create such serious repercussions.
It wasn't so bad at first...getting kicked out. When I left I realized how many people had truly cared about me. How many of my "so-called" friends were actually true. All of them. They cried, they wrote, and then, eventually, they forgot.
I came home to dissapointment, failure, and the realization that I was accountable for getting myself kicked out. It was more than painful. Was that cigarette really worth it? I would have done anything to undo the past, but I just sat there, facing my future while my parents just kept inflicting the words "if you keep closing doors on yourself.. you will go nowhere." I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my entire life.
Every day I thought about everything I had lost for myself. I was lucky I wasn't expelled from school. I was a disgrace to myself, my family, and my school. I wrote numerous appology letters. I had caused my parents so much pain, but I didn't even think about that. I was surrounded by the feeling of utter lonliness.
I felt like I had left myself in Israel. I lost the chance to establish relationships with people who I truly wanted to know, I didn't get a chance to change myself, I didn't get a chance to appreciate everything that I was about to experience. My true school friends were there, and I came home to punishment and failure, and above all, lonliness.
Yes, they wrote me - I got emails. but the messages became fewer and fewer as my friends moved on with their own experiences, leaving me to dwell on that which I had lost.
I did a lot of soul searching and many a tearful night in order to get some of the closure which I so desperately needed. In the end, I realized that getting kicked out changed me more than any experience I could have had in Israel would have. I matured faster than I would have in 10 years. I feel like the oldest 16 year old in the world. I felt emotions intensified to such an extent that they were so pure, they were hard to handle. In retrospect, I am glad it happened. I had to learn my lesson, one that is not fully completed, but at least known: boundries. Break only the ones that matter.
Still, even with all my newfound knowledge, it didn't help to ease the pain. I still felt lonely. I still felt exiled. and I still felt like a failure. I would be so happy to hear from anyone over the ocean, but every time I did, I felt the tears creeping up on me even though I never let anyone know it. It seemed like I was doing so well.
This is, by far, the most painful thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I'm proud of myself that I was strong enough to endure it all at once. (I'm not even telling you about the surrounding complications that were all going on: my grandmother dying, my dad getting diagnosed with coronary arterary disease, my mother hysterical, and me being too self absorbed with my own pain to deal with anyone else!)
Anyway, the point of this story is this. They come home tomorrow - my friends, all those others who went to Israel. Tomorrow. And I miss them. And I am terrified of the reminder of all that I went through and am still paying for.
Those disparaging looks from teachers as I walk through the halls, the rude comments form the kids about how I got kicked out, the constant reminder as the seniors reminisce about their Israel experiences. It haunts me. And now - seeing the kids who saw me fail every day? Wow.
I guess the real reason why I felt the need to write this post is just because no one knows how I feel. no one could know. I don't know anyone who has had the same experience and I don't know if they could understand.
I am terrified of tomorrow. I don't know what kind of reaction I'll have. Really, I've grown a lot from this experience, and I am not as hurt by it anymore. But still, it's like pouring alcohol over a slowly healing wound.
Again, I don't know why I posted this. I just had to. I wont sleep well tonight, but I'm really good at acting how I want to be percieved. I don't show pain. If you're still there, I'm sorry you just read that novel. I swear I am not the depressed loner this story makes me out to be. And if you are there, thanks
(Hope you don't think i'm too psycho..)
There's a small chunk of my life
(the rest is more uplifting, I swear)
[This message has been edited by Ro L L er G i r L (edited 21 January 2000).]
Lately, (like within the past 5 months) my life has been less than perfect. Actually, it's been filled with a lot of pain.
September 14, 1999 - the trip was set to commence. You should know first that I go to a private, Jewish perochial school (it's such a bitch, let me tell you) and during junior year (yes, I'm young - I know I know - think of me as a mature almost 17 year old
My friends before me had done it and all loved it, coming home changed and better than they were before they left. It seemed like a right of passage. It's really an experience living in another country. I was excited. So I went.
About my school.... well, while I have my friends, I am not the most social butterfly (you could probably imagine the stereotypical sheltered kids in my school -- I'm lucky I live in a city). I chose not to get wrapped up in the superficial cliques that surround highschool adolecence. I chose the ones I let close to me very carefully. So, with that in mind, and knowing the people I had come on the trip with, I made other friends outside the program. That was only the beginning of the trouble. I went places I was forbidden to go to (Arab territories that were considered unsafe), and I smoked cigarettes on campus, which you were forbidden to do. I didn't adhere to the rules. And I got caught for every one I broke.
3 weeks after my arrival, I was kicked out. In the 16 years my school had been assocaited with this program, I was 1 in 6 to have ever been kicked out. The other reasons for expulsion: theft, drugs, drinking. Me? cigarettes. It seemed surreal that something so small could create such serious repercussions.
It wasn't so bad at first...getting kicked out. When I left I realized how many people had truly cared about me. How many of my "so-called" friends were actually true. All of them. They cried, they wrote, and then, eventually, they forgot.
I came home to dissapointment, failure, and the realization that I was accountable for getting myself kicked out. It was more than painful. Was that cigarette really worth it? I would have done anything to undo the past, but I just sat there, facing my future while my parents just kept inflicting the words "if you keep closing doors on yourself.. you will go nowhere." I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my entire life.
Every day I thought about everything I had lost for myself. I was lucky I wasn't expelled from school. I was a disgrace to myself, my family, and my school. I wrote numerous appology letters. I had caused my parents so much pain, but I didn't even think about that. I was surrounded by the feeling of utter lonliness.
I felt like I had left myself in Israel. I lost the chance to establish relationships with people who I truly wanted to know, I didn't get a chance to change myself, I didn't get a chance to appreciate everything that I was about to experience. My true school friends were there, and I came home to punishment and failure, and above all, lonliness.
Yes, they wrote me - I got emails. but the messages became fewer and fewer as my friends moved on with their own experiences, leaving me to dwell on that which I had lost.
I did a lot of soul searching and many a tearful night in order to get some of the closure which I so desperately needed. In the end, I realized that getting kicked out changed me more than any experience I could have had in Israel would have. I matured faster than I would have in 10 years. I feel like the oldest 16 year old in the world. I felt emotions intensified to such an extent that they were so pure, they were hard to handle. In retrospect, I am glad it happened. I had to learn my lesson, one that is not fully completed, but at least known: boundries. Break only the ones that matter.
Still, even with all my newfound knowledge, it didn't help to ease the pain. I still felt lonely. I still felt exiled. and I still felt like a failure. I would be so happy to hear from anyone over the ocean, but every time I did, I felt the tears creeping up on me even though I never let anyone know it. It seemed like I was doing so well.
This is, by far, the most painful thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I'm proud of myself that I was strong enough to endure it all at once. (I'm not even telling you about the surrounding complications that were all going on: my grandmother dying, my dad getting diagnosed with coronary arterary disease, my mother hysterical, and me being too self absorbed with my own pain to deal with anyone else!)
Anyway, the point of this story is this. They come home tomorrow - my friends, all those others who went to Israel. Tomorrow. And I miss them. And I am terrified of the reminder of all that I went through and am still paying for.
Those disparaging looks from teachers as I walk through the halls, the rude comments form the kids about how I got kicked out, the constant reminder as the seniors reminisce about their Israel experiences. It haunts me. And now - seeing the kids who saw me fail every day? Wow.
I guess the real reason why I felt the need to write this post is just because no one knows how I feel. no one could know. I don't know anyone who has had the same experience and I don't know if they could understand.
I am terrified of tomorrow. I don't know what kind of reaction I'll have. Really, I've grown a lot from this experience, and I am not as hurt by it anymore. But still, it's like pouring alcohol over a slowly healing wound.
Again, I don't know why I posted this. I just had to. I wont sleep well tonight, but I'm really good at acting how I want to be percieved. I don't show pain. If you're still there, I'm sorry you just read that novel. I swear I am not the depressed loner this story makes me out to be. And if you are there, thanks
(Hope you don't think i'm too psycho..)
There's a small chunk of my life
[This message has been edited by Ro L L er G i r L (edited 21 January 2000).]
