Hey all,
I haven't posted for about a month now I think, mainly because I am back to my work travel writing currently in Greece over the next few months with my wife and we are currently enjoying island life.
But until only about a month ago now I was at the very end of a taper that had relapses over the course of just over a year.
I want to share my experiences as one of my last posts so that it will hopefully be of some positive use. I want to show what was useful and what was not useful in helping the taper and managing any withdrawal symptoms I had come across.
1. Asking for help.
I asked for help from a GP explaining that I had been buying the powerful theino-benzodiazepine Clonazolam after I slowly got addicted to it over the course of several months to deal with anxiety and depression and subsequent chronic insomnia.
This is an essential first port of call in my opinion, as getting on board with your GP will allow you to switch to Diazepam for the taper, which is the first step in dealing with this addiction.
Of course it's very hard to ask for help especially when you have anxiety problems, but immediately after my first GP appointment and getting my diazepam on prescription I already felt a sense of relief I was doing something about it and that someone cared.
I would strongly recommend that you print off the Ashton Manual taper schedule before your appointment. I did this and showed a taper schedule and the GP was happy with it. It definitely gets the GP on board and it shows you are wanting to make a serious attempt at tapering sensibly.
2. Get counseling
Again I know it's very hard for people with anxiety to see a counselor, I was pretty terrified at first but after the first session I felt relief and that some of the weight have been lifted from my shoulders.
If you don't click with your counselor after a few sessions, don't be afraid to switch. I didn't have to do this as I lucked out and had a lovely one I really clicked with. But I know friends and family who have had to switch.
Counseling is absolutely critical in my experience: Before I had counseling I had a lot of relapses as I went overseas for work again to countries that have Diazepam over the counter. However, when I returned home for a few months the GP referred me to counselling sessions.
However, she also - unfortunately I have to say - referred me to an outpatient rehab...
Outpatient rehab was - for me - counter-productive, as the widely-touted "group/peer therapy" is really unsuitable for people trying to come off benzodiazepines. It is, however, useful for people who have co-current problems with other drugs, such as opiates, cocaine, alcohol or amphetamines. I had a problem with opiates but that was not the real issue, having gone cold turkey from them many times they were small fry compared to benzodiazapines, and I never progressed to shooting it up or smoking it...
The real thing that worked was the 1 to 1 counselling, and not group/peer therapy. It's important because it gradually gave me new coping skills, especially skills to deal with withdrawal symptoms and also general anxiety and depression.
CBT was good though not nearly as effective than 1 to 1 counselling. But of course many will find CBT very useful depending on their individual situation. Ultimately it is just a matter of finding what works for you.
3. Drugs, supplements and herbs I used in an attempt to take the edge off the withdrawals.
Valernian Root, Californian Poppy, Passionflower, St. John's Wort, Skullcap:
Personally I tried all of these to death, including making tinctures. St. John's Wort and Skullcap definitely had some action, but it was mild and didn't really help all that much.
Phenibut:
Phenibut actually worked when I was still tapering diazepam from higher doses. But it became counter-productive from the 10mg and under diazepam doses, as it would just keep me stimulated more than sedated. The hangover the next day too is pretty bad, and this alone was probably a contributing factor to me not becoming addicted to it. So overall it helped significantly when I was really desperate with insomnia and when I was on a higher dose of diazepam.
Note: I never felt a cross tolerance between phenibut and diazepam at all and I personally feel Phenibut is solely a GABA-B inhibitor.
Mertazapine:
I did not get on at all well with this SSRI (or perhaps it's SRNI?) at a dose of 30mg after being diagnosed with major depressive disorder and to help with withdrawal symptoms from diazepam, particularly insomnia.
I gave it 3 weeks to work but it was counter-productive and seemed to actually make withdrawals worse and my overall mental health even worse, culminating in a trip to the GP because I was having seriously disturbing suicidal thoughts...Probably the darkest period of my life let alone the withdrawal.
Opiates:
After throwing away the Mertazapine I was in limbo for a while: The GP wouldn't prescribe something else because they said that outpatient rehab would have to sanction anything via their chief prescribe which I later found was simply a nurse: This took a while to resolve as I went back and forth between the two, and I was still suffering from severe depression and anxiety in this period.
I felt kind of like I was being abandoned and that no one cared because I was now just stuck doing counter-productive group therapy which just served to feed the downward spiral I was on.
So in desperation I thought taking a mild-moderate opiate every night in high doses (e.g. 300mg Dihyrdcodeine) would be fine if I just rotated between that and phenibut...Of course this escalated rapidly and soon I was doing small amounts of harder opiates.
Of course this worked great for a few days but it was just masking any anxiety and then making it a million times whenever they wore off. I had moderate withdrawal symptoms every time I stopped cold turkey.
I would strongly advise against taking any opiates. It's just a one way ticket to a horrific dual-addiction that is extremely difficult to deal with...
Amitriptyline:
I eventually managed to get an appointment with a GP I had known for most my life.
I had taken Amitriptyline a few times in the past to help control nerve pain coming from an injury playing football several years ago. I remember it knocking me out at night so I mentioned it to my GP and she said that she was going to suggest it anyway!
Amitriptyline is an old (1950's) tricyclic anti-depressant in higher doses (typically 75mg-150mg and sometimes above that up to a maximum of 300mg a day) and it is quite sedating.
Unfortunately many people can't seem to deal with the side effects which include dry mouth, stuttering and mind-fog, as well as mild tremors in the hands and muscle twitching.
For me however it was (and continues to be) an absolute gift from god. It worked very quickly and my insomnia, anxiety and depression pretty much melted away and the withdrawal symptoms from the diazepam were virtually non-existent. At the same time my counselling was wrapping up as me and my counselor both agreed I had basically learnt the skills to deal with the withdrawals but also my underlying mental health issues.
I would highly recommend people consider this one if hardcore insomnia is a major problem like it was for me.
If you have no underlying mental health issues (which would be strange if you were/are addicted to benzos!) then it's possible to take Amitriptyline sporadically to deal with withdrawal symptoms and avoid having to taper the Amitriptyline. I will personally not taper now until at least my review March next year, but I am absolutely fine being on it long-term, so we'll see what happens there...
Alcohol:
Don't bother. It'll just prolong the misery since it works on GABA-A like diazepam does. Cross-tolerance will occur. 1 or 2 drinks occasionally didn't seem to bother me though.
Amphetamines:
I took Amphetamine twice after I had started on the Amitriptyline and felt almost back to normal. I decided to use it because I simply wanted to have a couple of good nights while avoiding alcohol.
It didn't actually have too many negative effects, other than interfering with sleep. After the second time though I got rid of it because it was obviously pointless.
I would advise against it.
Marijuana:
I got the big bud indica strain used a lot for medical problems. I just had a bong a few times of day and at night. Generally this CBD heavy strain was helpful for insomnia, anxiety and associated withdrawal symptoms.
Ultimately I could take it or leave it, but it definitely did help a little when tapering to the more difficult lower doses.
4. Internet Forums
- Bluelight is great of course, but a few other well known sites - especially those specialising in benzo withdrawal - did more harm than good. It just fed the paranoia that I would get PAWS and just made me anxious reading the horror stories.
But of course the successful tapers are not posted as often as the failed ones. So it skews the perception that withdrawal symptoms are all absolutely terrible and virtually impossible, when actually a sensible taper strategy and psychological support massively increases the chances of tapering successfully.
5. PAWs
I finished my taper about 3 weeks ago now. Personally I have not experienced any symptoms whatsoever. Tapering slowly at the end from 1mg to 0.5mg seemed to be very helpful. I also had a couple of occasions where I would stay on a dose an extra week if WDs were bad and that really seemed to help too.
PAWs has been non-existent as by now I would've suffered from symptoms if they were going to appear. I'm delighted by that, it's such a relief.
---------------------------------------------------
Okay, so hopefully this will be of some use to people unlucky enough to have become addicted to benzos. I am not going to lie; It was extremely difficult and the worst chapter in my life by far. But it certainly can be done!
Best of luck to you all.
F'loki
I haven't posted for about a month now I think, mainly because I am back to my work travel writing currently in Greece over the next few months with my wife and we are currently enjoying island life.
But until only about a month ago now I was at the very end of a taper that had relapses over the course of just over a year.
I want to share my experiences as one of my last posts so that it will hopefully be of some positive use. I want to show what was useful and what was not useful in helping the taper and managing any withdrawal symptoms I had come across.
1. Asking for help.
I asked for help from a GP explaining that I had been buying the powerful theino-benzodiazepine Clonazolam after I slowly got addicted to it over the course of several months to deal with anxiety and depression and subsequent chronic insomnia.
This is an essential first port of call in my opinion, as getting on board with your GP will allow you to switch to Diazepam for the taper, which is the first step in dealing with this addiction.
Of course it's very hard to ask for help especially when you have anxiety problems, but immediately after my first GP appointment and getting my diazepam on prescription I already felt a sense of relief I was doing something about it and that someone cared.
I would strongly recommend that you print off the Ashton Manual taper schedule before your appointment. I did this and showed a taper schedule and the GP was happy with it. It definitely gets the GP on board and it shows you are wanting to make a serious attempt at tapering sensibly.
2. Get counseling
Again I know it's very hard for people with anxiety to see a counselor, I was pretty terrified at first but after the first session I felt relief and that some of the weight have been lifted from my shoulders.
If you don't click with your counselor after a few sessions, don't be afraid to switch. I didn't have to do this as I lucked out and had a lovely one I really clicked with. But I know friends and family who have had to switch.
Counseling is absolutely critical in my experience: Before I had counseling I had a lot of relapses as I went overseas for work again to countries that have Diazepam over the counter. However, when I returned home for a few months the GP referred me to counselling sessions.
However, she also - unfortunately I have to say - referred me to an outpatient rehab...
Outpatient rehab was - for me - counter-productive, as the widely-touted "group/peer therapy" is really unsuitable for people trying to come off benzodiazepines. It is, however, useful for people who have co-current problems with other drugs, such as opiates, cocaine, alcohol or amphetamines. I had a problem with opiates but that was not the real issue, having gone cold turkey from them many times they were small fry compared to benzodiazapines, and I never progressed to shooting it up or smoking it...
The real thing that worked was the 1 to 1 counselling, and not group/peer therapy. It's important because it gradually gave me new coping skills, especially skills to deal with withdrawal symptoms and also general anxiety and depression.
CBT was good though not nearly as effective than 1 to 1 counselling. But of course many will find CBT very useful depending on their individual situation. Ultimately it is just a matter of finding what works for you.
3. Drugs, supplements and herbs I used in an attempt to take the edge off the withdrawals.
Valernian Root, Californian Poppy, Passionflower, St. John's Wort, Skullcap:
Personally I tried all of these to death, including making tinctures. St. John's Wort and Skullcap definitely had some action, but it was mild and didn't really help all that much.
Phenibut:
Phenibut actually worked when I was still tapering diazepam from higher doses. But it became counter-productive from the 10mg and under diazepam doses, as it would just keep me stimulated more than sedated. The hangover the next day too is pretty bad, and this alone was probably a contributing factor to me not becoming addicted to it. So overall it helped significantly when I was really desperate with insomnia and when I was on a higher dose of diazepam.
Note: I never felt a cross tolerance between phenibut and diazepam at all and I personally feel Phenibut is solely a GABA-B inhibitor.
Mertazapine:
I did not get on at all well with this SSRI (or perhaps it's SRNI?) at a dose of 30mg after being diagnosed with major depressive disorder and to help with withdrawal symptoms from diazepam, particularly insomnia.
I gave it 3 weeks to work but it was counter-productive and seemed to actually make withdrawals worse and my overall mental health even worse, culminating in a trip to the GP because I was having seriously disturbing suicidal thoughts...Probably the darkest period of my life let alone the withdrawal.
Opiates:
After throwing away the Mertazapine I was in limbo for a while: The GP wouldn't prescribe something else because they said that outpatient rehab would have to sanction anything via their chief prescribe which I later found was simply a nurse: This took a while to resolve as I went back and forth between the two, and I was still suffering from severe depression and anxiety in this period.
I felt kind of like I was being abandoned and that no one cared because I was now just stuck doing counter-productive group therapy which just served to feed the downward spiral I was on.
So in desperation I thought taking a mild-moderate opiate every night in high doses (e.g. 300mg Dihyrdcodeine) would be fine if I just rotated between that and phenibut...Of course this escalated rapidly and soon I was doing small amounts of harder opiates.
Of course this worked great for a few days but it was just masking any anxiety and then making it a million times whenever they wore off. I had moderate withdrawal symptoms every time I stopped cold turkey.
I would strongly advise against taking any opiates. It's just a one way ticket to a horrific dual-addiction that is extremely difficult to deal with...
Amitriptyline:
I eventually managed to get an appointment with a GP I had known for most my life.
I had taken Amitriptyline a few times in the past to help control nerve pain coming from an injury playing football several years ago. I remember it knocking me out at night so I mentioned it to my GP and she said that she was going to suggest it anyway!
Amitriptyline is an old (1950's) tricyclic anti-depressant in higher doses (typically 75mg-150mg and sometimes above that up to a maximum of 300mg a day) and it is quite sedating.
Unfortunately many people can't seem to deal with the side effects which include dry mouth, stuttering and mind-fog, as well as mild tremors in the hands and muscle twitching.
For me however it was (and continues to be) an absolute gift from god. It worked very quickly and my insomnia, anxiety and depression pretty much melted away and the withdrawal symptoms from the diazepam were virtually non-existent. At the same time my counselling was wrapping up as me and my counselor both agreed I had basically learnt the skills to deal with the withdrawals but also my underlying mental health issues.
I would highly recommend people consider this one if hardcore insomnia is a major problem like it was for me.
If you have no underlying mental health issues (which would be strange if you were/are addicted to benzos!) then it's possible to take Amitriptyline sporadically to deal with withdrawal symptoms and avoid having to taper the Amitriptyline. I will personally not taper now until at least my review March next year, but I am absolutely fine being on it long-term, so we'll see what happens there...
Alcohol:
Don't bother. It'll just prolong the misery since it works on GABA-A like diazepam does. Cross-tolerance will occur. 1 or 2 drinks occasionally didn't seem to bother me though.
Amphetamines:
I took Amphetamine twice after I had started on the Amitriptyline and felt almost back to normal. I decided to use it because I simply wanted to have a couple of good nights while avoiding alcohol.
It didn't actually have too many negative effects, other than interfering with sleep. After the second time though I got rid of it because it was obviously pointless.
I would advise against it.
Marijuana:
I got the big bud indica strain used a lot for medical problems. I just had a bong a few times of day and at night. Generally this CBD heavy strain was helpful for insomnia, anxiety and associated withdrawal symptoms.
Ultimately I could take it or leave it, but it definitely did help a little when tapering to the more difficult lower doses.
4. Internet Forums
- Bluelight is great of course, but a few other well known sites - especially those specialising in benzo withdrawal - did more harm than good. It just fed the paranoia that I would get PAWS and just made me anxious reading the horror stories.
But of course the successful tapers are not posted as often as the failed ones. So it skews the perception that withdrawal symptoms are all absolutely terrible and virtually impossible, when actually a sensible taper strategy and psychological support massively increases the chances of tapering successfully.
5. PAWs
I finished my taper about 3 weeks ago now. Personally I have not experienced any symptoms whatsoever. Tapering slowly at the end from 1mg to 0.5mg seemed to be very helpful. I also had a couple of occasions where I would stay on a dose an extra week if WDs were bad and that really seemed to help too.
PAWs has been non-existent as by now I would've suffered from symptoms if they were going to appear. I'm delighted by that, it's such a relief.
---------------------------------------------------
Okay, so hopefully this will be of some use to people unlucky enough to have become addicted to benzos. I am not going to lie; It was extremely difficult and the worst chapter in my life by far. But it certainly can be done!
Best of luck to you all.
F'loki
