Hello everyone. This is my very first post to this site ever so I apologize if anything I say is wrong or against rules. I did look over guidelines but have very poor memory! I have been looking at this site for years and finally decided to join. Anyhow, this is a very real and very personally agonizing story of my life that I haven't been able to express to well-anyone. Before I start I'd like to recognize beforehand that most of the things in here I have done to myself, I am aware of that but It will probably seem like a pity party. there has been nothing particularly traumatizing in my childhood years except well my dad dying at age 2 from a car accident. so i definitely don't remember but other than that I have lived a good life with good parents (mom remarried when I was six.) very grateful for that. But I will skip ahead.
I started using marijuana at age 14 and loved everything about it. smoked it rarely for about a year. when I say rarely I mean like maybe 10 times. My parents were always on my case about this (caught me every time I was high) and in no way shape or form would accept that while I was living with them. So they sent me to a year long program specializing in addiction in Utah. I was still 14 as I attended this program and basically what it was was a big house and we would do independent studies in a room for six hours on a computer and then leave to go to gym- then go back to house and watch tv all night. Only once a week did I have any sort of therapy which was family therapy (go figure) with my parents on the phone for about an hour. needless to say I BEGGED my parents to get me out of there since the first week. Btw, I forgot to mention I was transported there unwillingly by two hired giant ass dudes. My parents didn't listen and didn't believe me when I said there was no "program involved" the people there were very verbally abusive and made all ten boys feel like worthless pieces of shit. the owner was telling my mom that we had group 3 times a day and a bunch of other bs which were flat out lies. anyways 3 months in my parents wanted to visit and when they were denied visits several times they finally accepted my begging and took me home. I was SO angry at my parents for this and SO deeply hurt that I don't think I ever fully forgave them for sending me away unwillingly and not believing me. So when I went back home I became a huge piece of shit teenager. I was extremely verbally abusive to my parents and they were extremely abusive to me as well. We just screamed at each other every night and hated eachother all the way until I left home.
over the next two years I become obsessed with the concept of drugs- smoking weed semi- often and occasionly took 3-4th plateau doses of DXM. I was always plagued by a deep deep depression that started around 12 years old - I moved from my hometown and then I was just a mean, miserable kid from then on. I was obsessed with the idea of drugs, different kind of drugs and their different effects. I would research for hours a day. only experimenting a little. I was enthralled with the idea of entheogens and ultimately I think was searching for god and something that gave me purpose. I dwelled into the world of mushrooms and eventually, DMT. When I found out How to aquire DMT- My world changed. I finally experienced what i was looking for the entire time. I want to make it clear up to this point I din't smoke weed daily or use drugs a lot by most standards. When I found DMT however I went on a 3 month binge of using it everyday for what I deemed "enlightenment" purposes. and they were. I learned about myself a lot but I was still plagued by my terrible depression. I had a lot of revelations and eventually came to the conclusion that although I have lived a great life by societal standards, I have not dealt yet with my trauma of losing my father and the fact that my mom dissapeared for years while I was a 2 year old child, Emotionally I mean.
I really connected with a deep layer of my inner being during these times. I realized that I was sick and for as long as I could remember up until that point all I remember after moving away from hometown- was depression, fear, anxiety, and isolation. backtrack a little bit. I grew up with a group of about 5 best friends from age 5. they were amazing and we were all extremely close- formed a rock band in 4th grade and played for a couple thousand of people and performing at our elementary school often. So we were extremely popular and everyone loved us. I was forced to move at age 12 and I begged and cried my mom for months not to do it but eventually had to face reality. I was never happy from that point on. I became a ball of depression and resentment. didn't make new friends from then on (eventually realized that It was because I was closed off to the idea and was still holding on to a life that didn't exist). anyways back to DMT binge, at the end of this binge I was left with the knowing that I couldn't live my life anymore. It was either I ask for help or I would kill myself. I chose to ask for help. My parents found me a rehab and I was very closed off at first. I was not in addict state. I dint use everyday, weekly, monthly. I did go on a binge for 3 months but I was still closed off to the idea. But I accepted and went into 30 day treatment. Before I continue I want you all to know that these things I'm about to say from here on out are personal opinion and for people who live differently I say as long as you're happy! please don't bash on me although it might seem like i'm bashing.
Went into treatment. by the end of treatment I had fully accpeted AA's notion of an alcoholic/addict and begged my parents to let me move across state and live in a sober living for minors. I was 16. they accepted the idea and so I moved. at this point in my life I was extremely satisfied with how my life was going- so sign of depression at all and I needed the change badly at the time. I fully immersed myself in 12 step- everything I knew now was 12 step. My house, my friends, my job that I got eventually, even my high school was fully 12 step based - EVERYTHING was 12 step. I was introduced to a lot of guys in my sober living and met many other minors in recovery in this city. I had finally made friends again. a lot of them too and ones with a real bond. I had met my first love through 12 step at age 17 and we dated for two years. during those two years I was still 12 step everything with the occasional one week long relapse of smoking weed. skip ahead a little cause my fingers are tired- at the end of this relationship Which was the most sick, toxic, and codependent shit imaginable- I always took her back for anything-even her fucking my "best friend". anything. which I am still suffering from 6 months later. among other things.
about 7 months ago I relapsed. I relapsed with a girl I met through 12 step and she introduced me to black tar heroin. now mind you before I wasn't using anything like heroin and always knew the danger of the harder drugs from my extensive research. The fact that I had relapsed DESTROYED me. 12 step had brainwashed my mind into making relapse a hellish hole of loathing yourself and thinking you are hopeless. Seriously. at this point I got hooked on smoking heroin, doing cocaine alone with that a couple times a week. what I noticed after 12 step is that the whole powerless thing FUCKED me up when I relapsed. I think subconsciously gave me a reason to get hooked on heroin after watching another good friend in recoveryy relapse and kill himself from od two days later. It for sure altered my perception on myself for sure. What I see now and think about when I look at myself is that I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit who has cant get honest with himself. After all, after going to meetings everyday for 2 and half years and hearing "we think those it doesn't work for are just incapable of getting honest with himself etc. really really destroyed my self esteem. not to mention my entire life fell apart since it was based around this 12 step bubble. every single one of my recovery friends literally shunned me the moment I relapsed and even when I came back for help getting sober again. I had made 7 really friends who I considered my soul brothers that when I relapsed and tried to explain my situation not one of them expressed sympathy, just sourness and fear that I would steal their shit. lol. Now I know that that's not AA at all but these were members acting like this.
I've been alone for 7 months. Complete isolation smoking heroin every day. Everyone in my life dropped me as soon as they heard I relapsed on alcohol. this naturally I think has really prevented me from finding help in any form. I've lost all faith in recovery- everything I've known the last couple of years was just a bunch of bullshit. I think AA's intentions are wonderful and the actual program itself is good in a lot of ways, but sadly the groups in my city would only judge and not be open minded to other recovery options. I can truly say that living in this bubble, I had become so dependent on it that my very identity was wrapped in 12 step. I slowly realize and now that I look back on behavior of everything I had done when I was in recovery. excluding people and the biggest of all judging and punishing those who relapse. that behavior is EXTREME among the groups in my city. While in this bubble, my life was great but overall was not "reality" I don't know if any of you know the feeling I'm describing but I think the hardcore 12 steppers- especially those under 18- take the life style and thinking WAY to far- imo. I think my experience is also a little different. There was probably 50 people under the age of EIGHTEEN that I saw and personally knew in my city. We all attended a high school that was literally twelve step base groups with studying in between. So if you can imagine looking back on everything, it all seems insanely... well fucking culty! I hope this doesn't upset people but it is my reality as of now. I want to take it all away. I feel so bad about everything I'm doing. this relapse came out of straight nowhere- in recovery terms I was doing everything suggested- meetings, steps, I was even sponsoring others. Ugh. and one day it just happens out of nowhere. Oh well I guess i'm incapable of being honest with myself. I'm Eighteen years old, and have never ever experienced the level of demoralization and low bottom of hatred and low self esteem. DEFINITELY not from before I went to rehab. It was nowhere near like this, nowhere.
To anyone who read all of this- thank you. I just needed to say this to someone, something. Even if it is slightly hateful. would appreciate all the responses and opinions.
I started using marijuana at age 14 and loved everything about it. smoked it rarely for about a year. when I say rarely I mean like maybe 10 times. My parents were always on my case about this (caught me every time I was high) and in no way shape or form would accept that while I was living with them. So they sent me to a year long program specializing in addiction in Utah. I was still 14 as I attended this program and basically what it was was a big house and we would do independent studies in a room for six hours on a computer and then leave to go to gym- then go back to house and watch tv all night. Only once a week did I have any sort of therapy which was family therapy (go figure) with my parents on the phone for about an hour. needless to say I BEGGED my parents to get me out of there since the first week. Btw, I forgot to mention I was transported there unwillingly by two hired giant ass dudes. My parents didn't listen and didn't believe me when I said there was no "program involved" the people there were very verbally abusive and made all ten boys feel like worthless pieces of shit. the owner was telling my mom that we had group 3 times a day and a bunch of other bs which were flat out lies. anyways 3 months in my parents wanted to visit and when they were denied visits several times they finally accepted my begging and took me home. I was SO angry at my parents for this and SO deeply hurt that I don't think I ever fully forgave them for sending me away unwillingly and not believing me. So when I went back home I became a huge piece of shit teenager. I was extremely verbally abusive to my parents and they were extremely abusive to me as well. We just screamed at each other every night and hated eachother all the way until I left home.
over the next two years I become obsessed with the concept of drugs- smoking weed semi- often and occasionly took 3-4th plateau doses of DXM. I was always plagued by a deep deep depression that started around 12 years old - I moved from my hometown and then I was just a mean, miserable kid from then on. I was obsessed with the idea of drugs, different kind of drugs and their different effects. I would research for hours a day. only experimenting a little. I was enthralled with the idea of entheogens and ultimately I think was searching for god and something that gave me purpose. I dwelled into the world of mushrooms and eventually, DMT. When I found out How to aquire DMT- My world changed. I finally experienced what i was looking for the entire time. I want to make it clear up to this point I din't smoke weed daily or use drugs a lot by most standards. When I found DMT however I went on a 3 month binge of using it everyday for what I deemed "enlightenment" purposes. and they were. I learned about myself a lot but I was still plagued by my terrible depression. I had a lot of revelations and eventually came to the conclusion that although I have lived a great life by societal standards, I have not dealt yet with my trauma of losing my father and the fact that my mom dissapeared for years while I was a 2 year old child, Emotionally I mean.
I really connected with a deep layer of my inner being during these times. I realized that I was sick and for as long as I could remember up until that point all I remember after moving away from hometown- was depression, fear, anxiety, and isolation. backtrack a little bit. I grew up with a group of about 5 best friends from age 5. they were amazing and we were all extremely close- formed a rock band in 4th grade and played for a couple thousand of people and performing at our elementary school often. So we were extremely popular and everyone loved us. I was forced to move at age 12 and I begged and cried my mom for months not to do it but eventually had to face reality. I was never happy from that point on. I became a ball of depression and resentment. didn't make new friends from then on (eventually realized that It was because I was closed off to the idea and was still holding on to a life that didn't exist). anyways back to DMT binge, at the end of this binge I was left with the knowing that I couldn't live my life anymore. It was either I ask for help or I would kill myself. I chose to ask for help. My parents found me a rehab and I was very closed off at first. I was not in addict state. I dint use everyday, weekly, monthly. I did go on a binge for 3 months but I was still closed off to the idea. But I accepted and went into 30 day treatment. Before I continue I want you all to know that these things I'm about to say from here on out are personal opinion and for people who live differently I say as long as you're happy! please don't bash on me although it might seem like i'm bashing.
Went into treatment. by the end of treatment I had fully accpeted AA's notion of an alcoholic/addict and begged my parents to let me move across state and live in a sober living for minors. I was 16. they accepted the idea and so I moved. at this point in my life I was extremely satisfied with how my life was going- so sign of depression at all and I needed the change badly at the time. I fully immersed myself in 12 step- everything I knew now was 12 step. My house, my friends, my job that I got eventually, even my high school was fully 12 step based - EVERYTHING was 12 step. I was introduced to a lot of guys in my sober living and met many other minors in recovery in this city. I had finally made friends again. a lot of them too and ones with a real bond. I had met my first love through 12 step at age 17 and we dated for two years. during those two years I was still 12 step everything with the occasional one week long relapse of smoking weed. skip ahead a little cause my fingers are tired- at the end of this relationship Which was the most sick, toxic, and codependent shit imaginable- I always took her back for anything-even her fucking my "best friend". anything. which I am still suffering from 6 months later. among other things.
about 7 months ago I relapsed. I relapsed with a girl I met through 12 step and she introduced me to black tar heroin. now mind you before I wasn't using anything like heroin and always knew the danger of the harder drugs from my extensive research. The fact that I had relapsed DESTROYED me. 12 step had brainwashed my mind into making relapse a hellish hole of loathing yourself and thinking you are hopeless. Seriously. at this point I got hooked on smoking heroin, doing cocaine alone with that a couple times a week. what I noticed after 12 step is that the whole powerless thing FUCKED me up when I relapsed. I think subconsciously gave me a reason to get hooked on heroin after watching another good friend in recoveryy relapse and kill himself from od two days later. It for sure altered my perception on myself for sure. What I see now and think about when I look at myself is that I'm a fucking worthless piece of shit who has cant get honest with himself. After all, after going to meetings everyday for 2 and half years and hearing "we think those it doesn't work for are just incapable of getting honest with himself etc. really really destroyed my self esteem. not to mention my entire life fell apart since it was based around this 12 step bubble. every single one of my recovery friends literally shunned me the moment I relapsed and even when I came back for help getting sober again. I had made 7 really friends who I considered my soul brothers that when I relapsed and tried to explain my situation not one of them expressed sympathy, just sourness and fear that I would steal their shit. lol. Now I know that that's not AA at all but these were members acting like this.
I've been alone for 7 months. Complete isolation smoking heroin every day. Everyone in my life dropped me as soon as they heard I relapsed on alcohol. this naturally I think has really prevented me from finding help in any form. I've lost all faith in recovery- everything I've known the last couple of years was just a bunch of bullshit. I think AA's intentions are wonderful and the actual program itself is good in a lot of ways, but sadly the groups in my city would only judge and not be open minded to other recovery options. I can truly say that living in this bubble, I had become so dependent on it that my very identity was wrapped in 12 step. I slowly realize and now that I look back on behavior of everything I had done when I was in recovery. excluding people and the biggest of all judging and punishing those who relapse. that behavior is EXTREME among the groups in my city. While in this bubble, my life was great but overall was not "reality" I don't know if any of you know the feeling I'm describing but I think the hardcore 12 steppers- especially those under 18- take the life style and thinking WAY to far- imo. I think my experience is also a little different. There was probably 50 people under the age of EIGHTEEN that I saw and personally knew in my city. We all attended a high school that was literally twelve step base groups with studying in between. So if you can imagine looking back on everything, it all seems insanely... well fucking culty! I hope this doesn't upset people but it is my reality as of now. I want to take it all away. I feel so bad about everything I'm doing. this relapse came out of straight nowhere- in recovery terms I was doing everything suggested- meetings, steps, I was even sponsoring others. Ugh. and one day it just happens out of nowhere. Oh well I guess i'm incapable of being honest with myself. I'm Eighteen years old, and have never ever experienced the level of demoralization and low bottom of hatred and low self esteem. DEFINITELY not from before I went to rehab. It was nowhere near like this, nowhere.
To anyone who read all of this- thank you. I just needed to say this to someone, something. Even if it is slightly hateful. would appreciate all the responses and opinions.
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I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. It means a lot. I currently have an appointment with a psychologist and am attending a smart recovery meeting tuesday. I am exploring other options. unfortunately in my case, I feel that the destruction and complete loss of sense of self after relapsing and of course the introduction to two dangerous hard drugs has detered me for the time being on attempting the 12 steps again. Good luck to you too!