I have noticed several posts that have echoed the thoughts that I have been having for about the last 3 or 4 months (namely "A glimpse of heaven..." by Brisgirl from several months ago that was recently pulled back up), so I thought I would share mine. I have been partying for almost 4 years now, and up until 3-4 months ago, I was in a period (about a year or so) where I was partying hard- at least once, sometimes 2 times a week. I have decided to scale way back on my partying, and I guess I'm expressing these thoughts as a way of strengthening myself for the impending task. Maybe as a cautionary tale, too.
Like Brisgirl and others, lately I have found myself at a moral crossroads of sorts- very little in regular life seems to offer the joy that I experience while rolling.
I am self-employed, in a "money-track" profession. I definitely don't love my work and I suppose I got into it for a number of reasons- I didn't know anything I really wanted to do (or maybe I wanted to avoid a decision), and at the time I thought it would be a "respectable" profession that would make my parents proud, and provide a "respectable" life for my future spouse.
Well, guess what? Over the roughly eight years that I have worked in it, I have seen that my profession is not so respectable- I have seen crookedness and greed, my own as well as others, and the ideals in which I believed upon entering the profession seem to have gotten distorted along the way. Even worse, the girl I loved, and at the time I started working thought I would marry, is no longer with me- I suspect she realized that another goddess-that of vanity and greed- had seduced me away from her, and she broke up with me and eventually married someone else (she's divorced now, but that's another story).
Lately, I find work excruciatingly tedious and dull, devoid of any real meaning. After returning from partying on the weekends, I find it difficult to motivate myself on many days, and it doesn't help that there are a myriad of different distractions available to me, all at the touch of a fingertip, on my computer screen (yes, reading Bluelighter posts is one of them).
Is E to blame for the morass of numbness in which I often find myself? Quite the contrary. E has been instrumental in changing me in so many positive ways, opening my eyes to the splendor of life. There have been times when E has taken me to a dimension so beautiful that it is virtually indescribable (and for that matter, I don't need to with you folks). It has liberated me from the desires and concerns of money and helped release me from the selfish concerns of my ego- no longer do I worry that I won't have enough money (which in turn has helped me become much more generous), or that I need certain material things. E has also been instrumental, I think, in giving me a wonderful clarity of insight into the lives of others ("stepping into their shoes"), and I gain a ton of happiness when I can use this insight to help my friends-mostly with their relationships. I think it's because E has helped me sharpen the ability to read the agendas behind the actions of others.
I'm certainly not scaling back my partying because of the recent wave of media hysteria. No, I'm scaling back for another reason- I liken it to the Biblical parable of "eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" (or "Pandora's Box" if you prefer the secular myth). Once you have the knowledge of how good E is (having tasted the fruit or opened the box), the prospect of engaging in normal everyday activities, particularly on weekends, suddenly seems mundane by comparison. Why, for instance, would I consider shooting pool or (gasp!) playing miniature golf (I used to love that as a child at the beach on the Atlantic coast) when I can roll? How are everyday activities a reward when E is readily available, and even the money spent for it is considered well worth it? (my friends and I used to frequently talk about how much money it would take for us to sell our last rolls if we knew we could not have any for the next 5 years!)
As I'm sitting here typing this on a Thursday evening with the weekend, the possibility of rolling this weekend once again seems inviting. But imagining a world in which I am forever cradled in the embrace of E(den) seems to me to be as unfulfilling as the world of emotional flatline from which E helped me to emerge. In that world, there would be no shortcomings, no failure, no pain EVER - and every day would eventually be as flat and numb as the one I had escaped.
I have recently begun to sense that E has taken me as far as it can spiritually, and now I must begin to take the first halting steps of the journey on my own, to recreate that feeling from the experiences of everyday life. A challenging proposition, it seems, but one that I am thankful to God for. To find fulfillment in the satisfactions of everyday life-doing a good job in something that I feel is meaningful and that helps or enriches others, enjoying the company of friends over a well-prepared meal, strengthening the bonds between family and loved ones (a tough one for me, at least)-that is to have lived. "When you have learned how to live, life itself is the reward." -quoting Harold Kushner from "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough" (one of the wisest authors I've ever read)
I'll never say "never again" to E (for that matter why would I want to), but I hope eventually to tone down my use to 4-6 times a year, for the sake of remembrances and celebrations with my close friends. In this way, it truly WILL be a reward. Thanks to all of you for letting me express these thoughts- I've only been a Bluelighter a short while, but so far I've enjoyed the breadth of experience (and childishness, too) that I've seen on this board. I recall the childlike enthusiasm (and foolishness, as well) of my own posts upon finding a larger community of like-minded souls.
A bit of advice for any younger BL'ers reading this: Listen to your heart when deciding what you want to do with your life and whom you want to spend it with- these are the only things that will fill your cup, day after day.
------------
"Relive fantasy
from reality
to the other side of life...
As we drift on a dream
I pray to you
with hands held high
I find
in You I believe..."
Like Brisgirl and others, lately I have found myself at a moral crossroads of sorts- very little in regular life seems to offer the joy that I experience while rolling.
I am self-employed, in a "money-track" profession. I definitely don't love my work and I suppose I got into it for a number of reasons- I didn't know anything I really wanted to do (or maybe I wanted to avoid a decision), and at the time I thought it would be a "respectable" profession that would make my parents proud, and provide a "respectable" life for my future spouse.
Well, guess what? Over the roughly eight years that I have worked in it, I have seen that my profession is not so respectable- I have seen crookedness and greed, my own as well as others, and the ideals in which I believed upon entering the profession seem to have gotten distorted along the way. Even worse, the girl I loved, and at the time I started working thought I would marry, is no longer with me- I suspect she realized that another goddess-that of vanity and greed- had seduced me away from her, and she broke up with me and eventually married someone else (she's divorced now, but that's another story).
Lately, I find work excruciatingly tedious and dull, devoid of any real meaning. After returning from partying on the weekends, I find it difficult to motivate myself on many days, and it doesn't help that there are a myriad of different distractions available to me, all at the touch of a fingertip, on my computer screen (yes, reading Bluelighter posts is one of them).
Is E to blame for the morass of numbness in which I often find myself? Quite the contrary. E has been instrumental in changing me in so many positive ways, opening my eyes to the splendor of life. There have been times when E has taken me to a dimension so beautiful that it is virtually indescribable (and for that matter, I don't need to with you folks). It has liberated me from the desires and concerns of money and helped release me from the selfish concerns of my ego- no longer do I worry that I won't have enough money (which in turn has helped me become much more generous), or that I need certain material things. E has also been instrumental, I think, in giving me a wonderful clarity of insight into the lives of others ("stepping into their shoes"), and I gain a ton of happiness when I can use this insight to help my friends-mostly with their relationships. I think it's because E has helped me sharpen the ability to read the agendas behind the actions of others.
I'm certainly not scaling back my partying because of the recent wave of media hysteria. No, I'm scaling back for another reason- I liken it to the Biblical parable of "eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil" (or "Pandora's Box" if you prefer the secular myth). Once you have the knowledge of how good E is (having tasted the fruit or opened the box), the prospect of engaging in normal everyday activities, particularly on weekends, suddenly seems mundane by comparison. Why, for instance, would I consider shooting pool or (gasp!) playing miniature golf (I used to love that as a child at the beach on the Atlantic coast) when I can roll? How are everyday activities a reward when E is readily available, and even the money spent for it is considered well worth it? (my friends and I used to frequently talk about how much money it would take for us to sell our last rolls if we knew we could not have any for the next 5 years!)
As I'm sitting here typing this on a Thursday evening with the weekend, the possibility of rolling this weekend once again seems inviting. But imagining a world in which I am forever cradled in the embrace of E(den) seems to me to be as unfulfilling as the world of emotional flatline from which E helped me to emerge. In that world, there would be no shortcomings, no failure, no pain EVER - and every day would eventually be as flat and numb as the one I had escaped.
I have recently begun to sense that E has taken me as far as it can spiritually, and now I must begin to take the first halting steps of the journey on my own, to recreate that feeling from the experiences of everyday life. A challenging proposition, it seems, but one that I am thankful to God for. To find fulfillment in the satisfactions of everyday life-doing a good job in something that I feel is meaningful and that helps or enriches others, enjoying the company of friends over a well-prepared meal, strengthening the bonds between family and loved ones (a tough one for me, at least)-that is to have lived. "When you have learned how to live, life itself is the reward." -quoting Harold Kushner from "When All You've Ever Wanted Isn't Enough" (one of the wisest authors I've ever read)
I'll never say "never again" to E (for that matter why would I want to), but I hope eventually to tone down my use to 4-6 times a year, for the sake of remembrances and celebrations with my close friends. In this way, it truly WILL be a reward. Thanks to all of you for letting me express these thoughts- I've only been a Bluelighter a short while, but so far I've enjoyed the breadth of experience (and childishness, too) that I've seen on this board. I recall the childlike enthusiasm (and foolishness, as well) of my own posts upon finding a larger community of like-minded souls.
A bit of advice for any younger BL'ers reading this: Listen to your heart when deciding what you want to do with your life and whom you want to spend it with- these are the only things that will fill your cup, day after day.
------------
"Relive fantasy
from reality
to the other side of life...
As we drift on a dream
I pray to you
with hands held high
I find
in You I believe..."
