~

[Kaleidoscopic777]

Dreams decayed. Hopes are dead. Strength depleted. No house. No people to share one with if i had one.
Wake up sick. The only thing that helps you has ruined you. Where do I go ? A life full of meaning diminished to cavernous abyss. What to look forward to ? Void. I'm tired from this journey I need rest, but people say just keep it moving. Lowest point. Trap door opened up underneath to reveal new layers of this hell. People dont understand it. They would rather keep distant. Lost.

 

[herbavore]

When you get this far down into despair you see a scary truth: it is all you; that existential loneliness we are all running from? Here it is. No one can feel your pain but you. No one can effect any change but you. It is terrifying to be sure, but if you take that knowledge and you make a decision to be a warrior for yourself--not the shell of yourself that you are keeping going right now, but your true self, the little kid that was in love with the world. Imagine a bigger picture than the one you see now--a bigger world that is still full of possibilities and surprise. How do you walk back towards that world?

It has to start with faith that you have everything you need already inside you. Once you know that you are not weak but instead are using your strengths to prolong a battle against yourself you may start to see ways to turn that around and battle for yourself. If you are in a community that has Smart Recovery I would start there. Smart Recovery can be hard to find however and thus people turn to AA/NA because there are multiple meetings every day. Take what you need from all of it--no need to accept every single word of dogma. You are free to use your own judgments for what is helpful to you and what is not. We may all be truly alone in our suffering but that does not mean we cannot support each other and create bonds between us.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Try not to let shame or fatalism into your thoughts. You had your reasons. We've all taken paths we come to regret. "As long as there is breath there is hope" is one of those sayings I really believe to be true. Don't give up.