Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Life for the past month or so has been dull. I have had an ever-present sensation in the pit of my stomach of depression and anxiety which has been very difficult to shake and pretty much impossible to get rid of. This episode seems to have been kicked off either by an MDMA session right before Thanksgiving, or by returning to my hometown for Thanksgiving. Or more likely, both. This episode was kicked into high gear when my girlfriend L had to go visit her family a week earlier than me, while I had to stay by myself with our best friend gone also. I was feeling so low that I was on the verge of tears for 4 or 5 days straight, if not outright crying. Even joyous music and happy thoughts were making me tear up.
A visit with an artist acquaintance of mine began to reverse things. This guy is in his 70s and is probably the most incredible person I've ever met. He's certainly the most psychedelic, and the best artist. His house is filled with old and obscure artifacts, and his energy is immensely positive and healing. I got there and we smoked a couple of bowls and just started talking about things, for hours. Immediately one of his cats, whom I've never met before, jumped up in my lap, purring loudly, and flopped over, covering me with nuzzles. She looked almost freakishly like my own female cat, Magnolia, and had the same intense but beautiful female energy about her. She remained there on my lap for the rest of the time I was there, and the artist commented on how unusual it was for her to be nice to a stranger, let alone be completely and utterly at ease. I think he was very impressed, and I was certainly honored, although not surprised. Animals, especially cats and dogs, always love me immediately. This led to us discussing how most people do not understand animals, especially cats. We think they're easy to understand; you just show them the respect they deserve and require, and they'll show you the same and give you more love than you could have imagined possible.
Anyway, by the time I left, we had moved beyond the level of acquaintance and into the friend area, which made me tremendously happy because I feel that this artist is an important and powerful person, and our energies feed off each other to strengthen us both.
This renewal provided the push to change, the shift in my energy. The next day, after work, I spontaneously decided to ingest 6mg of 5-MeO-MiPT, which coincidentally transformed my depressive energy and damaging anxiety loops at their base, and they dissipated entirely by the end of the night. What follows is the tale. It is a composite of what I wrote that night and what I write now, two or so weeks later.
Thursday, 6:15pm - I ingest 6mg of 5-MeO-MiPT by putting the powder on my tongue and swishing it around, holding it against my tongue and cheek after mixing it with saliva. I held it there for a good 10 minutes before swallowing it down with fruit juice. The taste of this one isn't good, but compared to all other tryptamines I've tasted, it's like ambrosia.
After about a half an hour, I begin to feel the come-up. It's smooth but ever-so-slightly filled with nervous energy. I begin cleaning my apartment in anticipation of leaving the next day to drive back to my hometown for the holidays. I have some great music on in the background. I notice that the trip is starting as I begin to feel a wonderful, blessed euphoria and a deeply introspective mind state, especially when prompted by the music. My body begins to move automatically with the music, bringing me great pleasure. The psychedelic buzz from 5-MeO-MiPT feels so cathartic and joyous, while remaining extremely friendly on the body and leaving my social skills totally intact, or even perhaps greater than usual. I can feel the depression and anxiety as a pushing force radiating from an area that I think is my solar plexus. With the aid of a variation of tryptamine, this knot of pushing energy transforms, becoming a radiating force of love and artistic expression, of emotional release. I feel so great that I laugh out loud.
Before long, I realize that I could use a couple of vaporizer hits and some food. I go into the refrigerator and get out an almost-full bag of green grapes. I eat the entire bag as I vaporize a little bit of absolutely top-quality cannabis nugget. The grapes and the vapor taste heavenly. As I continue to listen to music and become more and more affected by the drug and the herb, I begin to feel it necessary to write my feelings out onto paper. The text is as follows, unedited:
8:06pm - Live Phish is amazing. There aren't many musicians who can share their emotions as well as they do. I can imagine the incredible release that must be, to blast out what you're feeling and experiencing and giving it to everyone else, and feeling the incredible amounts of energy going back and forth between performer and audience. I remember that energy from when I was younger and I regularly performed in solo piano and band. Even though I was not aware of the dynamics going on back then, I certainly was aware that it felt amazing to create music. It was the most amazing thing there was. I truly need to begin producing music again, I think, before I can really feel complete again. I always swore that I would never stop playing the piano, but here I am, years later, and I haven't played in the last four.
I realize that I am a person of the arts. Those of us in the arts are there because we must be, not because we want to be (although I think we definitely also desire this position!). When I was younger I really didn't understand the importance or the spiritual significance of why I played. I realize where the majority of my depression comes from, when it shows itself like it has been for the past month or so. It's from a failure to express myself, what I'm feeling, the beauty I perceive in life, to a sufficient extent, and it manifests itself as a depressive force. I can feel the energy of that force pushing at my gut/solar plexus area, which causes physical anxiety as well. And it's the reason why I am so emotional during these times. For the past 4 or 5 days I've felt on the verge of tears whether happy or sad, like this energy was just always about to burst forth. I think that writing is the form of art at which I am best, although I do consider programming to be an art form, for sure, so that would be my best as well. It's just another form of writing, except writing out a flow of logic instead of words. And wrapping multiple threads of logic about one another to form complex, self-sustaining structures.
So why the hell have I allowed myself to stop with that project, too? It seems very strange to me that despite my obvious desire to express these things, I've stopped doing it! Why the hell would I do that? I was thinking earlier about how powerful it is to sing. I absolutely love to sing. Every time I'm caught up in the music, whether or not I'm listening to any, I sing along with my own melody/harmony. It comes out subconsciously but it's always right on, beautiful, flowing, neverending, in any style, any key, any mood. Absolutely nothing makes me happier than that, in that moment. Imagining just belting out that artistic energy, that love, in a powerful singing voice gives me massive chills and brings tears to my eyes. I can't imagine that anything could feel better than that. It just feels so GOOD to sing! Voice is the only instrument I'm able to use proficiently enough to express the constant music inside me, but I really, really want to learn to do it with other instruments. I could to some extent on the piano years back, but never to the level of proficiency where I could just literally play what I was thinking at the correct tempo. I'd love to be that way on the piano, and on the guitar. And I'm sure I could.
My girlfriend L has chosen that path for herself, ever since she was very, very young. I really do envy her for that sometimes, that she's immersed in that world. But then, so am I... music is a very important part of my life, and I can derive almost as much energy and pleasure from it as I need by witnessing it and expressing my music to myself. But not quite. At least I mostly associate with artists, even if in training I am not one. I sometimes wonder how the path of my life might go if I were to stop everything and begin studying music. It seems like so much more of an adventure. I feel like if I had chosen a certain path when I was young, I could be living the life of a performer, at all times expressing my music.
8:41 - Grapes are truly excellent, as is Herbie Hancock
After that point, I continued to eat, browse through Bluelight, listen to music, and play the piano some. I went to bed pretty early, woke up the next day, worked a half day, and began driving the 13+ hours between where I live now and my hometown. The drive, despite being rainy, was beautiful. I always love cross-country drives, especially across a wide variety of landscapes, because it puts me in a very introspective mood. It makes me think of how large our world is, and how small we are. It makes me think about the times before modern society came and raped the land. It makes me think about how the native people must have lived in this beautiful country. This experience and the resulting deep thought led me to understand my occasional depression and anxiety a great deal more from a physiological standpoint, and it led to me deciding that my New Year's resolution is to begin playing music again, particularly piano. I also want to buy an electric guitar and some good equipment including something to record tracks and loop them with so that I can create my own multi-track recordings.
Ever since partway through college, going to spend time in my hometown depresses me. It gives me this undefinable feeling of worthlessness, of stagnation. Maybe it's because my friends from home are still stagnating in their parents' houses while I'm moving on and trying to make something of myself. Maybe it's because everything there is the same while I've changed. Probably both. But whatever caused it, this past visit for Christmas was a great one. I was actually sad to go.
Overall, this experience was deeply healing and somewhat transformative for me. But it was not because of some mystical revelation, or a direct encounter with the ineffable. It was because, with the aid of this wonderful tool, I was able to finally come to an understanding about myself and release the negative thought loops that had been plaguing me. In the process, I came to a better understanding of one of my allies, 5-MeO-MiPT. It is quickly becoming one of my most useful, and has long been the most gentle. In my experience, the true value of 5-MeO-MiPT lies in its ability to reveal patterns of energy and thought within yourself and others. It seems highly attuned to the body's chakras and contains the power to regulate proper energy flow throughout the human system. As an added bonus, it's incredibly pleasant and easy on the body and mind in every way, when used with respect.
This has been the tale of my most recent venture with 5-MeO-MiPT, a gentle and caring ally whose power is subtle but great. Please use this one with respect and caution, so that it may remain available to those who seek for as long as possible.
substancecode_5MEOMIPT
A visit with an artist acquaintance of mine began to reverse things. This guy is in his 70s and is probably the most incredible person I've ever met. He's certainly the most psychedelic, and the best artist. His house is filled with old and obscure artifacts, and his energy is immensely positive and healing. I got there and we smoked a couple of bowls and just started talking about things, for hours. Immediately one of his cats, whom I've never met before, jumped up in my lap, purring loudly, and flopped over, covering me with nuzzles. She looked almost freakishly like my own female cat, Magnolia, and had the same intense but beautiful female energy about her. She remained there on my lap for the rest of the time I was there, and the artist commented on how unusual it was for her to be nice to a stranger, let alone be completely and utterly at ease. I think he was very impressed, and I was certainly honored, although not surprised. Animals, especially cats and dogs, always love me immediately. This led to us discussing how most people do not understand animals, especially cats. We think they're easy to understand; you just show them the respect they deserve and require, and they'll show you the same and give you more love than you could have imagined possible.
Anyway, by the time I left, we had moved beyond the level of acquaintance and into the friend area, which made me tremendously happy because I feel that this artist is an important and powerful person, and our energies feed off each other to strengthen us both.
This renewal provided the push to change, the shift in my energy. The next day, after work, I spontaneously decided to ingest 6mg of 5-MeO-MiPT, which coincidentally transformed my depressive energy and damaging anxiety loops at their base, and they dissipated entirely by the end of the night. What follows is the tale. It is a composite of what I wrote that night and what I write now, two or so weeks later.
Thursday, 6:15pm - I ingest 6mg of 5-MeO-MiPT by putting the powder on my tongue and swishing it around, holding it against my tongue and cheek after mixing it with saliva. I held it there for a good 10 minutes before swallowing it down with fruit juice. The taste of this one isn't good, but compared to all other tryptamines I've tasted, it's like ambrosia.
After about a half an hour, I begin to feel the come-up. It's smooth but ever-so-slightly filled with nervous energy. I begin cleaning my apartment in anticipation of leaving the next day to drive back to my hometown for the holidays. I have some great music on in the background. I notice that the trip is starting as I begin to feel a wonderful, blessed euphoria and a deeply introspective mind state, especially when prompted by the music. My body begins to move automatically with the music, bringing me great pleasure. The psychedelic buzz from 5-MeO-MiPT feels so cathartic and joyous, while remaining extremely friendly on the body and leaving my social skills totally intact, or even perhaps greater than usual. I can feel the depression and anxiety as a pushing force radiating from an area that I think is my solar plexus. With the aid of a variation of tryptamine, this knot of pushing energy transforms, becoming a radiating force of love and artistic expression, of emotional release. I feel so great that I laugh out loud.
Before long, I realize that I could use a couple of vaporizer hits and some food. I go into the refrigerator and get out an almost-full bag of green grapes. I eat the entire bag as I vaporize a little bit of absolutely top-quality cannabis nugget. The grapes and the vapor taste heavenly. As I continue to listen to music and become more and more affected by the drug and the herb, I begin to feel it necessary to write my feelings out onto paper. The text is as follows, unedited:
8:06pm - Live Phish is amazing. There aren't many musicians who can share their emotions as well as they do. I can imagine the incredible release that must be, to blast out what you're feeling and experiencing and giving it to everyone else, and feeling the incredible amounts of energy going back and forth between performer and audience. I remember that energy from when I was younger and I regularly performed in solo piano and band. Even though I was not aware of the dynamics going on back then, I certainly was aware that it felt amazing to create music. It was the most amazing thing there was. I truly need to begin producing music again, I think, before I can really feel complete again. I always swore that I would never stop playing the piano, but here I am, years later, and I haven't played in the last four.
I realize that I am a person of the arts. Those of us in the arts are there because we must be, not because we want to be (although I think we definitely also desire this position!). When I was younger I really didn't understand the importance or the spiritual significance of why I played. I realize where the majority of my depression comes from, when it shows itself like it has been for the past month or so. It's from a failure to express myself, what I'm feeling, the beauty I perceive in life, to a sufficient extent, and it manifests itself as a depressive force. I can feel the energy of that force pushing at my gut/solar plexus area, which causes physical anxiety as well. And it's the reason why I am so emotional during these times. For the past 4 or 5 days I've felt on the verge of tears whether happy or sad, like this energy was just always about to burst forth. I think that writing is the form of art at which I am best, although I do consider programming to be an art form, for sure, so that would be my best as well. It's just another form of writing, except writing out a flow of logic instead of words. And wrapping multiple threads of logic about one another to form complex, self-sustaining structures.
So why the hell have I allowed myself to stop with that project, too? It seems very strange to me that despite my obvious desire to express these things, I've stopped doing it! Why the hell would I do that? I was thinking earlier about how powerful it is to sing. I absolutely love to sing. Every time I'm caught up in the music, whether or not I'm listening to any, I sing along with my own melody/harmony. It comes out subconsciously but it's always right on, beautiful, flowing, neverending, in any style, any key, any mood. Absolutely nothing makes me happier than that, in that moment. Imagining just belting out that artistic energy, that love, in a powerful singing voice gives me massive chills and brings tears to my eyes. I can't imagine that anything could feel better than that. It just feels so GOOD to sing! Voice is the only instrument I'm able to use proficiently enough to express the constant music inside me, but I really, really want to learn to do it with other instruments. I could to some extent on the piano years back, but never to the level of proficiency where I could just literally play what I was thinking at the correct tempo. I'd love to be that way on the piano, and on the guitar. And I'm sure I could.
My girlfriend L has chosen that path for herself, ever since she was very, very young. I really do envy her for that sometimes, that she's immersed in that world. But then, so am I... music is a very important part of my life, and I can derive almost as much energy and pleasure from it as I need by witnessing it and expressing my music to myself. But not quite. At least I mostly associate with artists, even if in training I am not one. I sometimes wonder how the path of my life might go if I were to stop everything and begin studying music. It seems like so much more of an adventure. I feel like if I had chosen a certain path when I was young, I could be living the life of a performer, at all times expressing my music.
8:41 - Grapes are truly excellent, as is Herbie Hancock
After that point, I continued to eat, browse through Bluelight, listen to music, and play the piano some. I went to bed pretty early, woke up the next day, worked a half day, and began driving the 13+ hours between where I live now and my hometown. The drive, despite being rainy, was beautiful. I always love cross-country drives, especially across a wide variety of landscapes, because it puts me in a very introspective mood. It makes me think of how large our world is, and how small we are. It makes me think about the times before modern society came and raped the land. It makes me think about how the native people must have lived in this beautiful country. This experience and the resulting deep thought led me to understand my occasional depression and anxiety a great deal more from a physiological standpoint, and it led to me deciding that my New Year's resolution is to begin playing music again, particularly piano. I also want to buy an electric guitar and some good equipment including something to record tracks and loop them with so that I can create my own multi-track recordings.
Ever since partway through college, going to spend time in my hometown depresses me. It gives me this undefinable feeling of worthlessness, of stagnation. Maybe it's because my friends from home are still stagnating in their parents' houses while I'm moving on and trying to make something of myself. Maybe it's because everything there is the same while I've changed. Probably both. But whatever caused it, this past visit for Christmas was a great one. I was actually sad to go.
Overall, this experience was deeply healing and somewhat transformative for me. But it was not because of some mystical revelation, or a direct encounter with the ineffable. It was because, with the aid of this wonderful tool, I was able to finally come to an understanding about myself and release the negative thought loops that had been plaguing me. In the process, I came to a better understanding of one of my allies, 5-MeO-MiPT. It is quickly becoming one of my most useful, and has long been the most gentle. In my experience, the true value of 5-MeO-MiPT lies in its ability to reveal patterns of energy and thought within yourself and others. It seems highly attuned to the body's chakras and contains the power to regulate proper energy flow throughout the human system. As an added bonus, it's incredibly pleasant and easy on the body and mind in every way, when used with respect.
This has been the tale of my most recent venture with 5-MeO-MiPT, a gentle and caring ally whose power is subtle but great. Please use this one with respect and caution, so that it may remain available to those who seek for as long as possible.
substancecode_5MEOMIPT
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