Speck
Bluelighter
Well, let me start off by saying that I planned this little "epxeriment" out for quite a while before actually attempting. I've been going through some very rough times in my life for about the last month and a half and it had brought out a lot of things in me that were far from pleasant and weren't copious to my continued existence in this world.
I had tried 5meo-dmt nasally with a dose of 15 mg once before and it ended up being a hellish experience. This was the only time, after quite a few years of varied substance use, that I more or less "flipped my shit". At the same time I was feeling all the horrible feelings, I also got a few insights into myself. Unable to act upon those insights at that time, this just left me curious.
Now that the background is out of the way I can continue.
I came into this night with a fair amount of preparation. I had not eaten anything earlier in the day and I had been working on clearing my mind, finding my center for most of the day. I dropped about 7-8 mg out of the capsule and got it into a manageable line, took a few more moments to compose myself and then, putting the straw to my nose, began the excursion into my inner self.
10-15 minutes into the experiment I started to feel the normal, small amount of pressure behind my eyes that I get when taking psychedelics. There was a small amount of stomach discomfort but nothing I couldn't control.
15-20 minutes in I began getting slightly intense visuals. Every surface took on a smooth appearance. The cracks in the paint on the walls started to mold together and take on a solid state. At this point I decided it was time for a little bit of self exploration. I sat down, closed my eyes and let myself go. Once I was able to shut out external stimuli and get to a level of peace with myself I began to go further into my psyche. My thoughts began to take on a more tangible state. As I traveled down the path of my consciousness I was able to reach out and take hold of these thoughts. I stopped and examined a few, these were the kind of thoughts that pass by every day without much notice. They were not what I was here to find. Once I waded through and got past my outer mind I began to get to the things I was looking for. I passed a lot of thoughts and memories that had been giving me a lot of problems. I grabbed hold of a few of these and analyzed them. What I found in them astounded me. I was able to take them apart and find out what bothered me so much. Some of them had many layers and took what seemed an eternity to unravel and some came apart upon first touch. I realized that these were a lot of the things I was looking for but they were not as deep down as I had planned to go. So, after making a few changes here and there, I moved on to the deepest point I could reach.
30-40 minutes in I was on what I considered the "right" path. I could feel the deepest parts of my being coming closer and closer. When I was almost completely lost in myself I came to what can only be described as a wall. I came to a sudden and abrupt halt. After closer inspection of the "wall" I realized that it wasn't merely a block, it was draining my energy and left me feeling week and helpless. I didn't turn back, I didn't shy away. I began scouring the surface of the "wall" looking for flaws and imperfections, something that would gain me access to what was behind it. Finally, after what seemed like an incredibly long time, I found a flaw, a small spot of light that proved this barrier was not impenetrable. After examining this flaw I discovered that I could pour myself into it and past the barrier. Once inside this blackness I kept my eyes on the light and reflected on what Iwas seeing. I decided then and there that this barrier did not need to be. I began to expand myself, pushing against the inside of this wall and trying with all my being the tear it down. I succeeded in breaking away a large portion of it and giving myself full access to what it hid. Once past, I came to the realization that I was at the center of my very being. I began to look around and examine myself and I also began my work of breaking and reconstructing myself. As carefully as I could, I removed the things that didn't fit, the things that didn't belong there, the things that were not me. It surprised me how easily I was able to alter the things I found. While changing the things I came in to change and also some things I wasn't expecting, I found some pieces that I could see quite clearly but, no matter what I did, I could not touch. I began to realize that these things were very important to the person I am and that even if I could reach them, I would not change them for fear of changing the things that have always been.
40-50 minutes in I was done with most of what I had come to do. After one last look around at myself I decided it was time for me to go. I was expecting it to be an action of opening my eyes and coming back to the physical world I had left behind. It was definately much quicker than my excursion in but I was still able to reflect on the changes I had made. Suddenly, I was back and viewing the inside of our living room. After checking the clock and realizing I had actually only been gone for about 20-30 minutes I decided to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
I was still feeling a little bit off baseline but was more or less back. One thing I noticed was, for the first time in a very long time, my mind was clear. The dark and painful thoughts that I had been experiencing were either gone or altered in a way that made them more than bearable. I was finally at peace with myself again. This wasn't new territory to me but it was something I had lost long ago.
That was last night and I am still at peace. I have been faced with thoughts that would normally send me into a bad place, a bleak and depressing place, but they are manageable now.
Well, that's it. This isn't the first time I've attempted self exploration, but it's definately one of the most successful. This will not be the last time either. I hope that, if nothing else, this report will be good reading material for some of you out there.
[Edit: I changed the original title (Reconstruction with 5meo-dmt) to fit forum guidelines. -C22]
[ 20 July 2002: Message edited by: Catch-22 ]
I had tried 5meo-dmt nasally with a dose of 15 mg once before and it ended up being a hellish experience. This was the only time, after quite a few years of varied substance use, that I more or less "flipped my shit". At the same time I was feeling all the horrible feelings, I also got a few insights into myself. Unable to act upon those insights at that time, this just left me curious.
Now that the background is out of the way I can continue.
I came into this night with a fair amount of preparation. I had not eaten anything earlier in the day and I had been working on clearing my mind, finding my center for most of the day. I dropped about 7-8 mg out of the capsule and got it into a manageable line, took a few more moments to compose myself and then, putting the straw to my nose, began the excursion into my inner self.
10-15 minutes into the experiment I started to feel the normal, small amount of pressure behind my eyes that I get when taking psychedelics. There was a small amount of stomach discomfort but nothing I couldn't control.
15-20 minutes in I began getting slightly intense visuals. Every surface took on a smooth appearance. The cracks in the paint on the walls started to mold together and take on a solid state. At this point I decided it was time for a little bit of self exploration. I sat down, closed my eyes and let myself go. Once I was able to shut out external stimuli and get to a level of peace with myself I began to go further into my psyche. My thoughts began to take on a more tangible state. As I traveled down the path of my consciousness I was able to reach out and take hold of these thoughts. I stopped and examined a few, these were the kind of thoughts that pass by every day without much notice. They were not what I was here to find. Once I waded through and got past my outer mind I began to get to the things I was looking for. I passed a lot of thoughts and memories that had been giving me a lot of problems. I grabbed hold of a few of these and analyzed them. What I found in them astounded me. I was able to take them apart and find out what bothered me so much. Some of them had many layers and took what seemed an eternity to unravel and some came apart upon first touch. I realized that these were a lot of the things I was looking for but they were not as deep down as I had planned to go. So, after making a few changes here and there, I moved on to the deepest point I could reach.
30-40 minutes in I was on what I considered the "right" path. I could feel the deepest parts of my being coming closer and closer. When I was almost completely lost in myself I came to what can only be described as a wall. I came to a sudden and abrupt halt. After closer inspection of the "wall" I realized that it wasn't merely a block, it was draining my energy and left me feeling week and helpless. I didn't turn back, I didn't shy away. I began scouring the surface of the "wall" looking for flaws and imperfections, something that would gain me access to what was behind it. Finally, after what seemed like an incredibly long time, I found a flaw, a small spot of light that proved this barrier was not impenetrable. After examining this flaw I discovered that I could pour myself into it and past the barrier. Once inside this blackness I kept my eyes on the light and reflected on what Iwas seeing. I decided then and there that this barrier did not need to be. I began to expand myself, pushing against the inside of this wall and trying with all my being the tear it down. I succeeded in breaking away a large portion of it and giving myself full access to what it hid. Once past, I came to the realization that I was at the center of my very being. I began to look around and examine myself and I also began my work of breaking and reconstructing myself. As carefully as I could, I removed the things that didn't fit, the things that didn't belong there, the things that were not me. It surprised me how easily I was able to alter the things I found. While changing the things I came in to change and also some things I wasn't expecting, I found some pieces that I could see quite clearly but, no matter what I did, I could not touch. I began to realize that these things were very important to the person I am and that even if I could reach them, I would not change them for fear of changing the things that have always been.
40-50 minutes in I was done with most of what I had come to do. After one last look around at myself I decided it was time for me to go. I was expecting it to be an action of opening my eyes and coming back to the physical world I had left behind. It was definately much quicker than my excursion in but I was still able to reflect on the changes I had made. Suddenly, I was back and viewing the inside of our living room. After checking the clock and realizing I had actually only been gone for about 20-30 minutes I decided to go outside and smoke a cigarette.
I was still feeling a little bit off baseline but was more or less back. One thing I noticed was, for the first time in a very long time, my mind was clear. The dark and painful thoughts that I had been experiencing were either gone or altered in a way that made them more than bearable. I was finally at peace with myself again. This wasn't new territory to me but it was something I had lost long ago.
That was last night and I am still at peace. I have been faced with thoughts that would normally send me into a bad place, a bleak and depressing place, but they are manageable now.
Well, that's it. This isn't the first time I've attempted self exploration, but it's definately one of the most successful. This will not be the last time either. I hope that, if nothing else, this report will be good reading material for some of you out there.
[Edit: I changed the original title (Reconstruction with 5meo-dmt) to fit forum guidelines. -C22]
[ 20 July 2002: Message edited by: Catch-22 ]
