ValiumProzac
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2023
- Messages
- 3
Sorry it maybe not very focused and more like a story.
I am trying to call back that experience right now feeling calm in the effects of 200mg quetiapine and 0.5mg lorazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist. I am literally writing about why I ended up on 200mg quetiapine and 0.5mg lorazepam and kicked out from the university and had to do remote learning: because 4mg lorazepam and 800mg diphenhydramine on that nightmarish day in an seemingly endless depressive episode. ( I am diagnosed with mood disorder and in my area that means probably bipolar disorder)
I was crying for hours that morning, for small things like being banned on my favorite forum because they suspected that I was intoxicated because of posting incoherent stuff. But the reality is that I was totally sober when posting those stuff. And I am inherently an incoherent person myself. And I walked back to my dorm with a hurting leg, I thought I need some lorazepam to calm down and stop crying because I was afraid of my roommate getting annoyed with my terrible mental breakdown. I took 2mg eventually because I thought I need a heavy dosage to sedate myself from that terrible intensive emotion. And that I had a dinner to go with them at night so I had to make myself normal. Because I was tripping last time and was in extremely dizziness and physical discomforts when they go to have dinner and party and then they'd know that I am not tripping every night...
And then dinner come. I'm autistic actually... too many people makes me sick, so I took another 1mg. Then at the dinner I felt like seeing the world through a haze, like I was so distant from the world yet I was actually doing the mechanical movement like chewing and putting foods in my mouth. It was kinda like derealization and depersonalization.
After the dinner when I was going to bed, I took another 1mg lorazepam. I thought I was too overwhelmed and burnout and need a sound sleep. However, I was triggered by something in the dorm that I don't want to write down because it's too triggering. I lied on my bed and I just felt that I were not myself. So I literally don't know why I grabbed a bottle of diphenhydramine from my desk and I took 15 pills at first, lying down a bit and I don't know why I took another times and in totally I swallowed 32 pills which is 800mg.
I guess it's 4mg lorazepam ruined my cognitive function and made me lose my reason and I ended up taking 800mg dph.
I knew what would happen literally (but not 800mg that was too high dose and absolutely not recommended!!!) and I peacefully lay on my bed waiting for the first slight visual distortion to kick in.
But 40 minutes passes I could barely stay awake under that 4mg lorazepam (so high a dose that I have never done such stupid thing. I was just in despair and wanna self destruction) the dph seemed hadn't kick in at all.
I texted my best friend then of something I didn't remember until I went sober again at the emergency room.
I fell asleep quickly. But at the midnight I was woken up with some discomforts, I opened my eyes with some efforts and looked into the dim light in the darkness. In that dim light i saw a thousand spiders climbing upon the bar of my bed and when I stretched my hand to touch them I could only touch the air. And there was another huge load of spiders on a dark area on the wall. I looked at my hand and saw a few rows of little moving creatures like small water drops that moved on my every finger from the bottom up. It was so realistic, like what a deliriant could induce. I estimated the time and thought these hallucinations and effects would fade off next noon when I was going to have a class, judging from my experience and the information online. And I went back to sleep.
At the morning I woke up to the alarm I guess, anyway I just woke up, I rose my body from the bed and felt the familiar extreme dizziness. So I lay back and gaze at the ceiling. The room had enough light then for me to see everything clearly. I saw a melting ceiling, literally. The shape of objects like the smoke detector constantly changing, its shadows floating and changing. Actually, the smoke detector's location changed constantly and slightly. And the connection between the wall and the ceiling was a twisted line that constantly moving. The most striking thing was that there seemed to have several huge, transparent plastic plates below the ceiling and they collided and moved in my sight like 'plate drift', and transparent silks flowing in front of my eyes and everything was distorted, the shadows changing shape crazily.
I jumped from the bed and fell onto the ground. I could barely stand up and went to toilet in extreme dizziness, dragging a heavy body and a cloudy mind.
I went back to sleep again, desperately hoping that the effects would be gone at noon.
And I woke up by the time at noon. Frustrated, there was still many silk-like transparent line flowing in front of my eyes, the effects seemed didn't offset for a bit. The ceiling was still covered by moving plates. I then went onto zoom on bed to have the class, did a quiz incoherently. Actually my eyes couldn't focus at all when I tried my best to read the letters on my laptop, double sights, and I just couldn't read a sentence as a whole. I did awfully then. And when the class began I fell asleep in dizziness again.
At afternoon 3 pm I finally woke up naturally, knowing there would be another class at 4 pm. Still visual distortion remained. I managed to get myself prepared for the class, but I found out my hands tremor to the extent as if the side effects of lithium and depakote. And fast heartbeat, I felt so weak and couldn't go to class. I was totally fucked up in the depressive episodes. I couldn't continue. I couldn't function. I with a cloudy head went to find my counselor/therapist on the 2nd floor. But I went to 1st floor in such a stupidity created by the dph. And finally I managed to be in the counseling room and melted on the sofa. I was in such despair and told my therapist everything.
She thought the overdose was a suicidal manner apparently. And unfortunately, the school also thought I was suicidal. Because I was actually suicidal. But I didn't do that to end my life, I just wanted to escape through the lorazepam, and I didn't know why I took those dph at all, it might be my intrusive thoughts told me to do so.
I ended up in the emergency room and with Ecg monitoring but I was pretty sure I was okay then, because when waiting for the results for blood test, the effects were gradually fading away. Only very slight visual distortion remained, and I am still having this right now, like a long lasting side effect. I no longer felt the dizziness at that moment but had to lie on that uncomfortable bed all night with light on and never ending buzzing sounds that warned them I got a extremely high blood pressure very likely from a mistake in measuring.
And next day, to put it short, I was kicked by my university. They still thought I was attempting suicide. And then I found myself in a mental health center, prescribed these meds I am taking now. And I went home because...idk... I didn't want. I'd rather be hospitalized but since they don't allow me using laptop there, I was home at the end doing remote learning.
And I confess I truly need that. I used self destructive ways to escape the unwanted feelings too often and I felt my life was being destroyed, and I'm trying to recover. My intrusive thoughts still tell me to overdose but actually those thoughts aren't mine. I hope to live with my own thoughts, it's too hard to live like having two minds in a brain.
I'm sorry that it seems not like a trip report but a story but idk I feel a need to write it down.
I am trying to call back that experience right now feeling calm in the effects of 200mg quetiapine and 0.5mg lorazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist. I am literally writing about why I ended up on 200mg quetiapine and 0.5mg lorazepam and kicked out from the university and had to do remote learning: because 4mg lorazepam and 800mg diphenhydramine on that nightmarish day in an seemingly endless depressive episode. ( I am diagnosed with mood disorder and in my area that means probably bipolar disorder)
I was crying for hours that morning, for small things like being banned on my favorite forum because they suspected that I was intoxicated because of posting incoherent stuff. But the reality is that I was totally sober when posting those stuff. And I am inherently an incoherent person myself. And I walked back to my dorm with a hurting leg, I thought I need some lorazepam to calm down and stop crying because I was afraid of my roommate getting annoyed with my terrible mental breakdown. I took 2mg eventually because I thought I need a heavy dosage to sedate myself from that terrible intensive emotion. And that I had a dinner to go with them at night so I had to make myself normal. Because I was tripping last time and was in extremely dizziness and physical discomforts when they go to have dinner and party and then they'd know that I am not tripping every night...
And then dinner come. I'm autistic actually... too many people makes me sick, so I took another 1mg. Then at the dinner I felt like seeing the world through a haze, like I was so distant from the world yet I was actually doing the mechanical movement like chewing and putting foods in my mouth. It was kinda like derealization and depersonalization.
After the dinner when I was going to bed, I took another 1mg lorazepam. I thought I was too overwhelmed and burnout and need a sound sleep. However, I was triggered by something in the dorm that I don't want to write down because it's too triggering. I lied on my bed and I just felt that I were not myself. So I literally don't know why I grabbed a bottle of diphenhydramine from my desk and I took 15 pills at first, lying down a bit and I don't know why I took another times and in totally I swallowed 32 pills which is 800mg.
I guess it's 4mg lorazepam ruined my cognitive function and made me lose my reason and I ended up taking 800mg dph.
I knew what would happen literally (but not 800mg that was too high dose and absolutely not recommended!!!) and I peacefully lay on my bed waiting for the first slight visual distortion to kick in.
But 40 minutes passes I could barely stay awake under that 4mg lorazepam (so high a dose that I have never done such stupid thing. I was just in despair and wanna self destruction) the dph seemed hadn't kick in at all.
I texted my best friend then of something I didn't remember until I went sober again at the emergency room.
I fell asleep quickly. But at the midnight I was woken up with some discomforts, I opened my eyes with some efforts and looked into the dim light in the darkness. In that dim light i saw a thousand spiders climbing upon the bar of my bed and when I stretched my hand to touch them I could only touch the air. And there was another huge load of spiders on a dark area on the wall. I looked at my hand and saw a few rows of little moving creatures like small water drops that moved on my every finger from the bottom up. It was so realistic, like what a deliriant could induce. I estimated the time and thought these hallucinations and effects would fade off next noon when I was going to have a class, judging from my experience and the information online. And I went back to sleep.
At the morning I woke up to the alarm I guess, anyway I just woke up, I rose my body from the bed and felt the familiar extreme dizziness. So I lay back and gaze at the ceiling. The room had enough light then for me to see everything clearly. I saw a melting ceiling, literally. The shape of objects like the smoke detector constantly changing, its shadows floating and changing. Actually, the smoke detector's location changed constantly and slightly. And the connection between the wall and the ceiling was a twisted line that constantly moving. The most striking thing was that there seemed to have several huge, transparent plastic plates below the ceiling and they collided and moved in my sight like 'plate drift', and transparent silks flowing in front of my eyes and everything was distorted, the shadows changing shape crazily.
I jumped from the bed and fell onto the ground. I could barely stand up and went to toilet in extreme dizziness, dragging a heavy body and a cloudy mind.
I went back to sleep again, desperately hoping that the effects would be gone at noon.
And I woke up by the time at noon. Frustrated, there was still many silk-like transparent line flowing in front of my eyes, the effects seemed didn't offset for a bit. The ceiling was still covered by moving plates. I then went onto zoom on bed to have the class, did a quiz incoherently. Actually my eyes couldn't focus at all when I tried my best to read the letters on my laptop, double sights, and I just couldn't read a sentence as a whole. I did awfully then. And when the class began I fell asleep in dizziness again.
At afternoon 3 pm I finally woke up naturally, knowing there would be another class at 4 pm. Still visual distortion remained. I managed to get myself prepared for the class, but I found out my hands tremor to the extent as if the side effects of lithium and depakote. And fast heartbeat, I felt so weak and couldn't go to class. I was totally fucked up in the depressive episodes. I couldn't continue. I couldn't function. I with a cloudy head went to find my counselor/therapist on the 2nd floor. But I went to 1st floor in such a stupidity created by the dph. And finally I managed to be in the counseling room and melted on the sofa. I was in such despair and told my therapist everything.
She thought the overdose was a suicidal manner apparently. And unfortunately, the school also thought I was suicidal. Because I was actually suicidal. But I didn't do that to end my life, I just wanted to escape through the lorazepam, and I didn't know why I took those dph at all, it might be my intrusive thoughts told me to do so.
I ended up in the emergency room and with Ecg monitoring but I was pretty sure I was okay then, because when waiting for the results for blood test, the effects were gradually fading away. Only very slight visual distortion remained, and I am still having this right now, like a long lasting side effect. I no longer felt the dizziness at that moment but had to lie on that uncomfortable bed all night with light on and never ending buzzing sounds that warned them I got a extremely high blood pressure very likely from a mistake in measuring.
And next day, to put it short, I was kicked by my university. They still thought I was attempting suicide. And then I found myself in a mental health center, prescribed these meds I am taking now. And I went home because...idk... I didn't want. I'd rather be hospitalized but since they don't allow me using laptop there, I was home at the end doing remote learning.
And I confess I truly need that. I used self destructive ways to escape the unwanted feelings too often and I felt my life was being destroyed, and I'm trying to recover. My intrusive thoughts still tell me to overdose but actually those thoughts aren't mine. I hope to live with my own thoughts, it's too hard to live like having two minds in a brain.
I'm sorry that it seems not like a trip report but a story but idk I feel a need to write it down.
