35-year old father needs help with anger/stress

[jlh154]

This is my first post on Bluelight.

I'll start off by stating my main purpose for posting here and then give you the backstory if anyone cares to read further.

I want to know if there is any substance/supplement/legal drug that will help with anger and stress and allow me to observe life's issues in a more non-reactive, rational way. My irritability and mood-swings are slowly ruining my life and I am afraid it will eventually lead to breaking apart my family.

I am already taking diazepam 10mg, 3x's daily. Helps sometimes, sometimes not. Also tried lorazepam 2mg, but it just seems to make me tired.

My doctor recently diagnosed me with ADD, after many years of experiencing what I felt like was depression on and off. He prescribed Concerta 36mg, 2x's daily; bupropion XL 300 mg daily; and Nuvigil 250mg daily. It seems to help, but I'm not sure if it isn't also increasing my irritiability at the same time.

I've tried SSRI's in the past and hate them. They make me even more lethargic than usual and do nothing to relieve any depression.

I'm a 35-year old dad of a beautiful almost 5yo daughter and almost 2yo son.
I've also been married 8 years to the mother of these two wonderful children.
Until approximately 1.5 years ago(right before the birth of our son), I only drank socially, NEVER alone. When I did drink about once a month, I'd get drunk on about 12-18 beers. But alcohol in the house never got touched unless friends or family came over for an occassion, which wasn't often.

Since then I've drank almost every night that I do not work, every 2 out of 3. I believe a couple issues were the triggers.

One being my obsession with issues at work that I was sure I could help solve with enough effort and research and many sleepless nights. The other being the birth of our son, who I love dearly, but was not looking foward to having a second child.

Since then, the issues at work that I gave a damn about, I no longer do, realizing that my efforts were wasted and falling on deaf ears. So that stress is eliminated.

But the second part is a different animal obviously. And before anyone points out the obvious, I realize ALL parents go through most of the same difficulties.

I pretty much raised our daughter 2 out of 3 days until she was 2 yo and to be perfectly honest, it was not pleasant. I love her to death, but I had no prior experience with babies and it was 99% stress and 1% fun.

I was very sure I did not want a second child after our first, for several reasons. The first was difficult. I did not get along with my younger sibling growing up. And I did not want to deprive our daughter of half of the love and attention she was getting as an only child.

Despite my protests, I gave in to my wife's request which were bolstered by the claims of other in-laws about how having a second child was such an advantage. I still disagreed, but finally gave in when my wife made the assertion that if anything were ever to happen to both of us tragically, our daughter would be left with no immediate family.

But now I'm finding myself dealing with stress of raising two children by abusing alcohol. I never expected to deal with it this way, but here I am.
I have a very low tolerance for stress. I do not deal well with changing tasks before they are completed to deal with another. I am a perfectionist and have difficulty watching my freshly clean house be defiled within minutes. Whining and crying are like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. Basically I have about the worst temperament for when it comes to dealing with small children.

Before anyone accuses me of being a bad father, I want to say that I love both my children more than ANYONE(including my wife, mother, father, etc.). I am not abusive, despite my alcoholism. I want to be my best so that they can grow up to be healthy, happy adults. They are my #1 priority.

I have spoken with my doctor and a local substance abuse treatment facility, but am not able to see a counselor until May 12.

Any advice from someone that has experienced similar issues would be appreciated.

 

[psychohedonist]

Sounds like you are doing the best you can in a situation that has put a lot of pressure on you. And it sounds like you put a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself.

I guess there are pros and cons to using a substance to manage your anger issues, and all they really do is mask it - sometimes that can be a good thing in the short term when you need to get stuff done, but often down the line you find it's made things worse.

Probably not the answer you want to hear, there may be something others have used well in your situation and they can recommend it. My advice would be to try to find a way of working out where your anger comes from - and also that drive for perfectionism - it's an imperfect world and really tough for perfectionists. Maybe the counselor will help, it's a while to wait, I know.

Stay strong, sounds like you care enough to want to get help with this and will work towards the right solution for you.

Best wishes to you.

 

[ChickenScratch]

as a 32 year old father with a career and a 2 year old i can somewhat relate to what you're going through.

do you ever take time for yourself to do things YOU enjoy and find relaxing?

fishing, hiking, golfing, going to a movie, etc etc....

do you and your wife ever get to take a vacation without the kids?

that would probably help.

also, exercise...i can't stress it enough. exercise as much as you possibly have time to.

i agree with the above poster that looking for meds to cure you probably isn't going to help you in the long term. you have to make some changes in your own life in order to find peace. counesling will be good for you but in the mean time, try and find a healthy release outside of boozing.

good luck man.

 

[Flexistentialist]

Try CBT. No drugs necessary.

 

[New]

I read something about this. Maybe another antidepressant that isn't an ssri might help, but a non-medication route would probably be safer due to the cocktail that you already seem to be committed to.

 

[jlh154]

Thanks all for the replies so far and not being judgemental.

I spoke with an old friend yesterday whose wife has had extensive drug abuse and rehab experience. He recommended a couple individuals to contact.

I am planning on attending an AA meeting tomorrow with one of them.

 

[ChickenScratch]

I am planning on attending an AA meeting tomorrow with one of them.

that's a good step but judging by your first post i still think you need to find some time for yourself to do things that don't involve drinking.

but i don't know much about your situation so take my advice for what it's worth.

does your wife drink?

 

[First Bad Comedown]

I must say, you stand apart as a good writer and clear speaker.
There are many on this site who could not manage to write the post you did.

I myself have only one child - she is two and a half.
She is one of the easiest children I have ever known.
She doesn't cry much, she doesn't throw real fits, and she listens when she is told 'no'. Maybe we got lucky....maybe we did something right early on.

I have some expertise in this area, because I come from a large family. I was raised with three sisters, and at the age of 15 I got two more AND a brother. Yes, my mom had triplets!

Two years later, another sister arrived.
Count them...8!
Can you believe this?
My parent's fertility became a blessing/curse that FEW can imagine.

Also, during my childhood my parents were temporary foster parents to at least half a dozen young children over the years. Not to mention a half-sister that preceded all of us and a brother that died two days after birth when I was 6.

Looking back I realize I learned quite a bit about parenting early on.
My mom had a talent for handling little ones. Not one of us ended up being rotten or disobedient. Of course, the teenage years are a unique challenge regardless of the up-bringing.

Let me share a key lesson with you, sir.
Being a parent is HARD.
No doubt about it. No exceptions.
Not even for me with my perfect little girl...

Did you know that first-time mothers actually experience a type of brain re-wiring? No joke.

Not only do fetal stem cells become a part of the mother's body, a phenomena that is poorly understood, but the constant stress of hearing a baby cry combined with the hormonal response actually causes activity in specific regions of the brain.

Combined with high cortisol levels, this eventually causes a long lasting/permanent alteration in brain function.

Ask ANY experienced mother and you will get a confirmation of this 'mommy-brain' result.
A prime example: a friend of ours has a particularly difficult infant.
For the first six months he cried incessantly. Not just any cry either...this little monster would WAIL like something was hurting him. Constantly.
And there was NO modulation...no deviation. Every SINGLE time he cried, it sounded the same.

It was bad enough it bothered ME after just a few exposures.
Around the 4 month point, this woman called my wife crying.
You could hear the little bastard still going in the background!
She was beside herself, almost to the point of tearing out her own hair.
She wasn't getting any sleep, and she was at her wit's end.

Not long after this, something changed in her.
She seemed to feel a blunted effect from the baby crying.
She literally didn't care as much any more.
Her reaction, quite suddenly, was to laugh and say things like, "Really? So what?"

She learned to let him cry in his room, for up to an hour before she came back in!
This was a remarkable turnaround for the woman who just weeks prior to this could not tolerate the sound for even a minute.

I can still remember my own mother finally breaking down at the age of 35 from the stress of three crying babies. This was a seasoned professional, remember that. And there she was in the kitchen in tears, practically begging for help.

Help was already in place. My sisters and I were a great team. I can still remember rotating babies around my bare-breasted mother. Lol.

But soon after this, my father and I took over the 10PM, 12AM, and 2AM feedings. One of my sisters would get up at 4AM. This schedule went on for MONTHS, because the triplets were premature, each of them weighing a mere 2 and a quarter pounds each at birth.

Talk about a serious team effort...
As the kids got older, I noticed something surprising.
The toddlers and kids that they became had NO idea what they put us through. They went on being kids, completely unaware of the hell they put us through. It's ironic, because you almost expect them to know.
It is seared into your mind forever, so how can they be so clueless?

I want to share a little advice that my mom gave me as I watched her raise 8 children. Keep in mind that this comes from a kind, patient, wonderful mother who is also a Christian.

Little children are EVIL.

Take that in. Really let it sink in.
For those of you that don't have any REAL experience, please withhold your judgments.

The expert of all experts on babies knew this to be true.
It is also part of Christian philosophy - we are all born sinful.

Think about it really carefully.
Imagine that baby screaming. Not just screaming, raging.
Yes, I said rage. If you think this is over the line, then you haven't seen a baby REALLY go at it.

The rage is pure.
My mom would say, "If that child were suddenly the size of an adult, it would KILL you."

She meant this literally.
The anger and selfishness contained within that little package would destroy the whole world if it were capable.

Back to my thesis - being a parent is HARD.
No doubt about it. No exceptions.

To all those that read this post, consider the rare cases of moms that KILL their children...

We have all seen it in the news. It is sad and tragic and confusing.
Actually to me the confusion doesn't exist. Just the sad and tragic part.

Postpartum depression is common.
Fetal homicide, luckily, is rare.

You have to remember that this is a biological process that involves the re-wiring of the brain. Initially, the mother's emotions must react powerfully to the sound of her crying baby. This ensures the baby's survival. But once the child is between 3-6 months old, once the danger of rapid starvation is passed - the mother's reaction begins to evolve. This is also for the baby's survival.

The constant stress of hearing the cries, the constant flow of stress hormones, begins to induce structural changes in the brain. Over time, the emotional response is altered so that the mother doesn't have to live the rest of her life on the edge of insanity.

Unfortunately, not all mothers make this transition smoothly. Some don't even realize that they are not adjusting until they have 2 or 3!
That's when the risk of tragedy goes up.
The mother feels suffocated, even frantic.
The evil little babies are destroying her entire life. Its never going to END!

Ok, I think my description of postpartum psychosis has reached its potential. I hope I have elucidated the matter for some of the readers...

For you sir, welcome to postpartum depression.
Yes, that's what you are describing.
Being a parent is HARD, isn't it?

You mentioned that you did most of the child care instead of your wife.
Just curious....why?
Were you a stay at home dad while your wife worked?

If so, my hat is off to you sir.
Myself and my own father could not make such a claim.

I imagine that being a man, your evolution of emotions would not occur as naturally as a woman's. Women have a massive release of prolactin/oxytocin at birth that actually helps to jumpstart the whole process. Men experience some of this hormonal shift, but not nearly as pronounced as the woman.

We were simply not designed to fulfill the same biological function.

And since I have placed myself as such an expert on the subject, let me carry this a little farther.

We were not meant to raise children alone, sir.
Not the women, and certainly not the men.

In pre-historic times a crying baby could be heard by the ENTIRE village.
A frantic or angry mother could also be heard by everyone.
Close friends and family members would normally be standing by to offer much needed assistance.

Have your 'in-laws' that pressured you into a second child provided real assistance? What about your family?

If so, how often?
We are relieved of our little one at least two or three times per MONTH.
My parents had daily assistance from the older children, as well as weekly visits from church members.

Who has been helping you?

Even if you have occasional help, it is still FAR from the 'village' mentality that I suggested before.
We were simply not meant to live this way.
What I mean is, we were not meant to live inside a box where the sound reverberates off the walls. We were not meant to have every single meal provided to us in a plastic wrapped container from a store. We were not meant to substitute our normal face-to-face interaction with a damn television.

Got the message?

Remember, being a parent is HARD.
No doubt about it. No exceptions.

The modern existence doesn't make it ANY easier, either.

Be proud of yourself, sir. I'm proud of you.
The way you speak, you have already done a fine job.

Soon, you will start sending these kids off to school.
My mom would call this occurrence at the age of five 'freedom'. Or even 'salvation'.

Things WILL get better. Nature ensures this. Just not very quickly...
It seems that just when you can't take it anymore, just when you think you are about to lose it, they change. They change fast.
In the blink of an eye these kids will be teenager, then adults.
You will still feel like the same man you are now. You will not feel a difference in time, and you will be shocked when it is all over.

Again, be proud of yourself.
Being a parent is HARD.

Now, to briefly address the substance use...
Notice how I focused on the real problem first....life.
But let me warn you:
Diazepam and lorezepam are dangerous.

These are both benzodiazapenes, both similar to xanax.
Spend just a few moments looking for posts on benzo withdrawal on this website and you will find many others warning you of the hell that awaits you.

Sure, benzos are great for one-time use.
They work wonders for those on the verge of psychosis!
Again - one-time use is what they are good for...NOT continued use.

If your doctor thinks differently, find another doctor.
Benzos are dangerous with continued use.
Former users on Bluelight have described a withdrawal period that can last YEARS.

Withdrawal symptoms include massive increases in anxiety, physical discomfort, panic attacks, and heart-palpitations.

Please get off the benzos NOW.
They will only make things worse....I promise.

I have used benzos on a few occasions. Let me just tell you...when I did them more than 2 days in a row, coming off of them on day 3 was absolutely miserable. For my wife, a single exposure will cause anxiety the next day.

And the anxiety is insidious. You may not know where it is coming from at first. It gets inside you and fools you.
Please do not be drawn in by benzos. On the other side of the calm they provide is a havoc you cannot imagine.

And almost ALL benzo overdoses that have ever occurred in the medical literature involved alcohol! Please look into it.
The two do NOT mix.

By the way, SSRIs are dangerous as well, but in a different and unexpected way. Their effect is much slower. The improvement in mood takes months. Likewise, the withdrawal from them takes months. Sexual dysfunction is VERY common during SSRI use, and for a small percentage of users it can become permanent. I recommend against SSRIs strongly.

The alcohol has got to go, too. But you already know that.
You are already asking for help. There are many out there that let alcohol consume their lives. Decades can pass without them reaching out. You are already ahead of the curve.

Be proud of yourself. I am.

One last suggestion: exercise.
Just do it.

I am currently in recovery from MDMA abuse.
For 6 months life hasn't been real for me.
My body felt like it belonged to a 90 yr old man for the first 3 months!
I still do not feel the same way I used to...and I pray for the day that I feel emotions and sensation 100% again.

You know what has saved me?
Exercise.

Even when my body didn't want to obey me...even when I couldn't eat food or sleep right, I forced myself to work out.
As impossible as it was to do, it has saved me.
Every day it makes me feel better.

I cannot recommend exercise enough. It is natures perfect cure for anxiety.
If you sweat for half an hour per day, your body will make its own high.
The benefits grow with each workout, too.
By the end of ONE week, I guarantee you will feel like a new man.

Good luck, dad.
Be proud of yourself.
We are.

 

[ChickenScratch]

great post man.

this was hysterical and true.

My mom would say, "If that child were suddenly the size of an adult, it would KILL you."

 

[TINK]

If you work you can reach out to your EAP program if your rmployer offers it. Can be used as temporary assistance until you can see a counselor.

Check with your Human Resources department - this should be confidential.

 

[catinthehat4]

hey first don't mean to be a hog but i hit your email up. always brightens my day to hear from you.

 

[First Bad Comedown]

No problem Cat.
I will get back to you soon, bro.

You should be proud of yourself too, man.
Some won't believe it, but what you are going through...what we are going through....we are fucking soldiers, you and me.
Keep it up.

 

[jlh154]

Thanks for all the additional posts.

I will try to reply more tomorrow. I work 24 hour shifts(firefighter).

I am at work right now, using a work computer.

 

[jlh154]

Thanks all for the suggestions. I'll try to address them one by one.

And to preface my replies, I'm not one of "those guys" that just want to bitch and answer with "yeh buts" if I may say why I don't know if a suggestion would work or not.

The thing about doing things I enjoy(which are very few), is that actually doing them or preparing for them or cleaning up from them actually causes more stress for several reasons. And the time to do them is not a problem. I'm a fireman, so I work a 24on/48hour off schedule.

As I've said before,
(1)I'm a perfectionist,
(2)I've got a neverending mental list of other things I should be doing, like cleaning the house or laundry or any number of other things it takes to maintain a home.
(3)I have a hard time starting a project without being able to complete it.
(4)At the end of the day, no matter what, I know I'll have to switch to "dad" mode, which I'm so sorry for saying, but does not fill me with joy and anticipation. It makes me anxious and frustrated.

I am filled with an overflowing amount of guilt for bringing them in to this world and then only seeing them as a burden that I can bare by getting drunk. I instinctively knew that maybe kids would not be a good idea. I used to half-joke that I could barely take care of myself, let alone another human-being.

But here we are. I made a conscious decision and take full responsibility, but I have a deep resentment toward my wife, deserved or not. She knew how desperately I did not want a second child. She has finally acknowledged that she should not have pressured me in to it, but only after several months of claiming that I was the selfish one.

Exercise:I know how much it it going to help, when I can get off my ass and start doing it again. The new ADD meds my doc has prescribed have given me some extra energy. I used to be an exercise fanatic. Much of my identity was/is tied to it. I've competed in bodybuilding and am known as a strong guy. I've lifted weights since for nearly 20 years and within the last several switched to more of a Crossfit/kettlebell/outside odd-implement type training. I also enjoyed running when I was doing it, even though I'm a bigger guy.

My wife only drinks occasionally in social situations and has very few.

FirstBadComedown:
I raised our first daughter because of my 24on/48 hour off schedule. I had NO idea what I was in for. My wife returned to work after several weeks of being off with her. The first day she returned home from work, as soon as she walked in the door I handed her our crying daughter. I'd had enough for the day. My wife's reaction was to cry because she could not understand that a man that had never taken care of ANY children, let alone an infant, was frustrated.

I called her several days in desperation begging her to come home, which she never did. I literally called her 10 minutes before her day ended one time to come home immediately. Her reaction was to call me back 5 minutes later and ask if I couldn't just wait.

I would and never did harm our daughter, but I ask her today based on my mental-state at the time, how she could not have considered that might have occured.

My in-laws actually help with the kids more than my parents, but my in-laws are retired. That does not mean my wife and I get to go on a date every weekend, but my mother-in-law is pretty good about helping out for a couple hours here and there.

From your reply, I am speculating that you believe that I now care for both children on my days off. That is not the case. I did watch my daughter for her first two years 3-4 days a week on my days off and then 2 days a week for about another year until my son was born. After my son was born I informed my wife that I would not/could not raise another infant. And since we were putting him in daycare 5 days a week(after the 6 months my wife stayed home), we also went ahead and started sending our daughter every day also.

I do not leave my daughter at daycare all day, everyday, even though we pay for it. I pick her up half days some days or keep her home all-together and spend time with her. I realize that in a few months she will be in kindergarten and I will not have that option.

As far as the benzos, I did not know about their dark side. I just knew they helped me chill and they made drinking even better. Thanks for the advice before I got too far in to them.

Tink:Tried our EAP a few months ago. To be blunt, it sucked. No real solutions or help. Just felt like she was getting paid to make cookie-cutter suggestions, whether they helped or not.


To everyone, thanks so much for the encouragement, advice and knowledge. I can't tell you how much it has helped my confidence that I can get through this.

 

[slimvictor]

I am in a similar situation to yours in many ways.
I have two kids, and have known problems with my anger and stress levels.

When you said that whining and crying are like nails and a chalkboard to you, I could understand deeply. Very deeply.

I learned how to meditate about 5 years ago, and since then I have been a much, much better father.
Less anger, more compassion, less frustration, better ability to shake things off and laugh instead.
I am still far from perfect, but the progress is unmistakable.
(My wife is also very happy, since I am a better husband as well.)

I meditate one hour a day. This sounds like a lot, but I am more focused all day, and accomplish things more quickly, and even need less sleep because of my meditation, so it probably doesn't cost me any time at all.

Good luck to you! I hope you can kick your alcohol habit before it kicks you.
Replacing it with a healthy habit might be a really good idea.

 

[jlh154]

Thank you.

I keep monitoring this thread for any and all suggestions.

Meditation is something I'm seriously considering adding.

 

[paranoid android]

Well i'm not a dad but i know stimulants such as methylphenidate do not help anger issues and neither does alcohol. As for meds to control anger issues all sorts of psych meds can help. Certain tricyclic anti-depressants, atypical anti-psychotics and anti-convulsant anti-manic drugs such as valproate (depakote, epival), carbamazepine (tegretol) and lamictal can help. But i am NOT A DOCTOR i am just giving you my own person experience.

You really should see a mental health professional to get a actual diagnoses so you can decide what the best course of treatment is.

 

[queenscarlet88]

Bupropion filled me with rage. After taking it for only two days I went to work (at a clothing retailer) and constantly fantasized about fleeing out into the mall in the middle of my shift, or sweeping all the clothes off the tables and ripping them down off their hangars, and screaming at my managers and coworkers. These were not idle daydreams; I came very close to realizing them.

The perpetual buzz from the drug was hideous. Even zolpidem would only put me down for an hour or two at a time.

I quit after the second day but couldn't sleep properly for another several days afterward. I was prescribed the same dose as you, but only took half of it, in the morning rather than the evening. Had I been taking the full dose, I would have wanted to kill myself -- to say nothing of those around me! -- because the feeling was so intolerable.

Get off the vile bupropion right away. Jesus, aren't you wired enough from the armodafinil and methylphenidate? What kind of a crackpot doctor prescribes so many drugs all at once -- how can you possibly assess which drugs are actually helping you, and which might be hindering you, if you're experiencing all their effects simultaneously without a baseline to compare to?

I echo the advice to ditch the benzos, too. Especially in conjunction with alcohol, they're most likely contributing to the rage you're feeling, in addition to reducing your inhibitions so you are more likely to indulge that rage in how you act.

 

[MrRoot]

Seems for me that you have developed a habit of being perfectionist as a defence mechanism against some feeling you dont want to confront whatever it might be. Guilty, feeling of abandonment perhaps? And when it comes to perfectionism and you have performed a task like cleaning the house to not have to confront the feeling that what against you have developed this defence mechanism you suddenly face a situation that you cant control like one of your children getting all the places dirty. You then act the first primal way you can, you get angry. Does this sound like familiar to you?

I mean thar there is something behind what you dont currently want to deal and use the defence mechanism instead and when that does not work or something gets in the way you get frustrated and angry.

Does this make a sense for any of you people?

Using drugs, especially benzos, in the long run wont lead into anything but suppressed feelings that store up on your mind and make you more unstable.

I would suggest cognitive behavioral therapy for you to see what kind of defence mechanisms you have built and against what feelings so you can then confront those emotional locks aka. schemas.

You then get help how to self discuss between your vulnerably side that is afraid of those feelings with the understanding and wise side of yourself that says that you can cope with it.

Practise that for long perioids and the defence mechanisms and the rage will disappear wholely.

Also your alcohol use is just selfmedication for the same reasons as the benzos and wont work.

But remember that anger is a basic emotion that should not be totally suppressed as it only leads to a depression and anxiety. You just need to find a way to channel the normal anger after you have dealt woth the extreme anger that breaking up your defence mechanisms causes.