3 Days Clean, Some Reflections

[Subdivisions]

So I am 3 days clean now. Had a habit that included a mixture of hydro, oxy, codeine and some tramadol, whatever I could get my hands...for about a year. Use varied...sometimes 2 a day...sometimes 8, rotated the opiate type almost on a monthly basis...wasn't necessarily the worst habit BUT for me personally, it forced me to look at my life. I really became alarmed when I saw how much money I had spent on my habit and how much of life I had missed while sitting in my room on the internet every night all numbed up. Was this really a way to live?

I kept "trying" to quit, but would ALWAYS find myself heading right back for more. And that's the part I want to really reflect, because it really stuck home.

I was reading literature, the NA 12-steps, talking to other people who were/are addicted and gathered information.

But one thing I realized is, unless you WANT to quit...I mean like...really, really, really WANT to quit...want it like sex, want it as bad as you wanted your fix...nothing is going to stop you from using. Not NA, not your higher power, not Rational Recovery, not 12-Step Alternatives...nothing.

I feel that, I am NOT POWERLESS over my addiction. I had the power to pickup, I have the power to stop. It's just that I didn't REALIZE it...because I didn't WANT TO STOP. I really didn't. I had NO DESIRE to withdraw, NO DESIRE to pursue my goals, NO DESIRE to get in shape. And I LOVED getting high...I LOVED going to work meetings after taking a few percs...I LOVED going to the movies and taking a few vikes during the previews so that my peak timed perfectly with the middle of the movie. I had the whole damn thing down to a science...had all the excuses at work for when I needed to leave at 1pm to "take care of personal business".

I realized how much I have missed. I am a musician on the side, and I have missed gigs, recording opportunities...dates with females (no desire for that when your game is opiates), work out programs...I feel like I have disrespected myself, my friends, my job, my Higher Power (I believe in a non-religious God) and the universe in general.

I knew I had issues (grew up in an authoritarian, controlling household...lots more I won't get into) and I decided that instead of facing these problems head-on, I was going to act like a young boy, forego my manhood and find my "Solace" in a pill.

I know this post might not make sense to some people, but I felt the need to get this out there.

The whole point is, for me, I had to take responsibility for using in the first place...and have enough faith that I COULD stop. I had to take into account all that I have lost, all of the negative things caused by my using, before I started to feel that I WANTED TO STOP.

NEEDING to stop doesn't cut it. WILLPOWER doesn't cut it (NA is right about that). Knowing that there is something better for you out there...hell that wasn't enough for me...I knew that all along. This week has been a real epiphany for me personally. I feel like I got my balls back.

I am getting help...I have formed a habit that I want to make sure I know how to fully break for good. I don't deny my cravings, I think that's just stupid and fooling yourself, but my new perspective has kept them in check so far, and I am learning methods to deal with them. I am not going to advertise where I am going for it because I think different things work for different people.

Hope I shed some light...maybe I didn't, maybe I'm being a jerk...I don't know, just how I feel at the moment.

 

[whattheheckaz]

Well put man !! I have been where you are before and you describe it very well. Keep on keepin on !!

 

[Mr_Fluffykins]

if you can quit this way its the best way goodluck

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks so much for sharing your story Subdivisions
I wish you all the best for your journey to sobriety! Feel free to keep us updated as you go along

 

[prayersfor.rain]

All the best to you! Yes, please keep us updated on how you are.
I hope you do well.
One day at a time

 

[edgewise1]

Oh how right you are subdivisions. And that applies to any addiction. Once YOU make up your mind that you are through with the drugs, and that you want to quit them, the quitting will be easier, not easy, but easier!

Good going on 3 days clean, and good luck on the remaining "time" to go. Sounds like you tapped into the secret!!!

 

[unsettled]

very true, congratulations on quitting, I think about it sometimes (I usually just taper down to the smallest amount possible but never make the jump to opiate free, and when I do I usually come back to opiates eventually) but opiates are the hardest thing to quit for good for me. For me one of the worst side effects besides the money loss is the complete lack of interest in sex that happens when I'm too opiated.

I don't have any moral problems with drug use, especially opiate use in a world that embraces alcohol and cigarettes and unhealthy fatty food that kills people everyday, but anytime you're failing to meet your basic responsibilities such as showing up for work due to drug use it's really time to re-evaluate things. I do think it takes some real mental work and serious life changes to stay sober and not be depressed, it's the depression that drives me back to opiates more than anything, therapy never worked for me nor did anti depressants but hopefully you can find something that will.

There's also a lot of people who aren't on any drugs who still "numb" themselves day after day and night after night with the tv and the internet (or food or sex or whatever their obsession of choice is). I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you, just do what you feel you need to do and live the life you want. You were really enjoying opiates for awhile but now the negatives outweigh the positives, it happens to most everyone who uses opiates long enough. If you can get out now you'll be doing yourself a huge favor.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

[das_feuer]

NEEDING to stop doesn't cut it. WILLPOWER doesn't cut it (NA is right about that). Knowing that there is something better for you out there...hell that wasn't enough for me...I knew that all along. This week has been a real epiphany for me personally. I feel like I got my balls back.

I am getting help...I have formed a habit that I want to make sure I know how to fully break for good. I don't deny my cravings, I think that's just stupid and fooling yourself, but my new perspective has kept them in check so far, and I am learning methods to deal with them. I am not going to advertise where I am going for it because I think different things work for different people.

Hope I shed some light...maybe I didn't, maybe I'm being a jerk...I don't know, just how I feel at the moment.

You sure said it If you can believe that, then know it to be true, you are on the right path. You started this and you can end it. If you fail the first time, try again. Go back again when you truly want freedom enough to stop using again. Just keep trying.

Obviously you deserve better than to waste all of your money on a few moments of happiness, to waste your time, all of your effort, to sacrifice your freedom, your health, your friends, your family, and so much more just to have nothing left in the end but to want more of the same, never moving ahead in life and never having anything in the end to show for all of your hard work.

You already have a few days. If you fail for some reason, remember that you made it to those few days and that you can do it again, probably get more days, too. I failed a bunch of times. I failed pretty epically, too, almost lost my life once. Even that wasn't enough for me to seriously work at getting clean. I also ended up narrowly escaping what would have been a serious DUI charge and that wasn't enough. It took me truly getting fed up with my situation to take responsibility for fixing myself. Just like you said: I had to be ready all on my own and I had to seriously want it enough in order to stop.

I was able to stop, though, and for around the last two years I've been moving ahead in life and staying away from all the drugs. Keep faith in yourself!

 

[Subdivisions]

Thanks guys.

Das- Ya, I tried so many times throughout the year...I'd stop for a day...then next day right back at it. There's some truth to the point when they say you can't stop on your own...in that unless you find something bigger than yourself (changing your life for example); you'll never find the impetus. But of course it's all in your hands at the end of the day.

But it's just the start...long road ahead.

thanks for the encouragement all...it means alot...

 

[hobhead]

I have cold turkey stopped suicidally heavy, long term IV opiate addictions and remained sober for decades . I have CT stopped years long alc habits with not much fan fare nor assistance of any kind .
I have walked out of methadone clinics and just stopped .
This is not to say that if the means were plunked down in my lap that I would not use once again.

The one thing that made the WDs bearable was docs prescribing short term sleeping pills .
If I could escape the mental and physical rodeo for a few hours each night it became a mile marker of sorts . Insomnia dogs me to this day but I would rather make do with sleepless nights than use strong meds more than a few times per any given week .

Subdivisions don't overlook the potential of a general practitioner MD that is competent to be able to help you over the rough spots . I have no confidence in the addiction recovery industry .
You have the insight re: "But of course it's all in your hands at the end of the day."

 

[Joseph K.]

I think you may be on to something here

But will you (anybody - hell me) pass the acid test (time/quality of life)?

 

[hobhead]

I was a lucky fellow as my trade brought me satisfaction . That and certain values that I had carried deep within from my upbringing emerged strongly .
Chasing skirts, despite the occasional set back, is a pleasant enough pastime .

 

[Ixchellian]

yep..... addiction to junk brings us all down to the same level.... life is focused on NEED, and the NEED is for junk. opiates are the great equalizer.
I could've had a slammin' life. I had an awesome wife. I got to go to exotic places, meet exotic people, and sometimes kill them. I could ride down a mountain at 50mph and take 20ft drops like nothing. I could go up to the range an blast bowling pins into oblivion.
funny..... junk replaced all that.
now we're all here, in the same spot. maybe not rock bottom, but close.
so.... what comes next?

 

[Joseph K.]

opiates are the great equalizer.

Where did you read that btw? Anyway, does everybody do opiates? Is everyone in the world a drug addict? Where's the equalizing?

[there is an old quote by Steve Jobs on Bill Gates I saw today and it went something like 'seems that his goal is to be the richest man in the cemetery...' which puts what you were trying (but failed sorry) to paraphrase quite nicely into its proper context, don't you think.]

 

[Ixchellian]

Where did you read that btw? Anyway, does everybody do opiates? Is everyone in the world a drug addict? Where's the equalizing?

[there is an old quote by Steve Jobs on Bill Gates I saw today and it went something like 'seems that his goal is to be the richest man in the cemetery...' which puts what you were trying (but failed sorry) to paraphrase quite nicely into its proper context, don't you think.]

No, it doesn't.

And I didn't read that anywhere.

Not everybody. Not everyone. But anyone with a habitual use of junk, always leads to junk control. The baseline, where nothing else matters.