13

[Mayonnaise5]

13
13 years clean and sober after 15 years of shit ,Jail ,prison , rehab after rehab then it clicked and I ran with it. Still just as fast as if I was tweaking balls. Success after success without even really trying. Newly married to my true soulmate. Just Watching her look back as she walks away takes my breath away and makes it hard to even stare. But.... Now I'm a junkie again. It happened so fast I really can't remember how or where it started. I need help but can't risk losing my career. I guess that's why I'm here but I'm not sure.
Does being strung out again take away my recent success? It's hard for me to decide. On one hand I went 13 years; on the other hand I blew it! Swimming through the shame and guilt after that first shot was so painful i needed another shot. Then another and another etc...I'm sitting up in bed right now and my sweet wife started stirring and seeing her face relaxed and seemingly happy makes me cry; because I know she knows I'm a piece of shit AGAIN! Regardless of sayings and 12 step rhetoric I know and you know that relapse doesn't have to be part of recovery. I am not powerless against this beast. She rolled over again and put her hand on my leg... I feel her reaching; reaching for the other me that disaapeared after that first shot. Damn I miss me too.
So where do I go what do I do. Which me is going to show up? The fighter me? He scratches and crawls and bites and isnt willing to give in even an inch.i say that knowing that that version of me doesn't exist right now. This version is selfish and greedy and deaf to all normal pleasures except those that scream like sex and dope. This version of me loves that beautiful woman lying by my side and she was sent here to save me cause this me doesn't want to wake up. This me wishes for death but is too cowardly for one but would miss her too much. As if I wasn't fucked up enough I also have a voice in my left ear. I Used to have episodes that lasted a day or 2 this one is now 2 years old. I call her B and she hates me. Now I know your wondering about my lossof reality? It's only happened twice. I burned money because I thought B needed it to survive, well at least that's what she told me; "that's my money and I need it to survive" over and over until I realized she was telling me she would die without the cash so I burned it.. 65k the first time and 35 the last.
Would have been helpful right now too. See I own rehabs and I can't even show my face or walk with my chin up. I'm dying I think or maybe that's a wish. But she just rolled over and rested her hand on my leg and I reakize she's worth the fight.
Last edited by Mayonnaise5; 17-04-2017 at 04:50. Reason: Left off 2 first lines

 

[simco]

That's a moving post, Mayo. I'm really sorry to hear you've got yourself in that particular spot. But you're wife's touch on your leg as she sleeps, that's a beacon. You know where you want to get back to, at least in part...back to where you feel genuinely connected with her (and with the aspects of yourself that she loves). Those parts are still there...people are amazingly resilient, both in terms of what we can endure, but also in terms of what we can recover, even if we think we've lost it.

You haven't lost your 13 years of clean time, just like you haven't lost those parts of yourself. Those years and the accomplishment they entail are part of you and nothing takes that away.

I don't mean to downplay how lonely the spot your in surely feels. Most of us on SL have had similar moments. Time now to start making plans for how to find your way back.

From your post I can totally understand why it feels like your job makes it impossible to ask for help. I won't presume to tell you what to do. But man, this is life and death shit. There's a way to get better.


Sim

 

[Mayonnaise5]

Thanks Sim, its just really difficult to take my own advice, and its been hard to ask anyone for help It sucks becausei know the "rules" so to speak. I know how to get started and how to finish strong. Most of my internal struggle has been more about whether or not i have the strength and the will and the energy to do what has to be done. My damn ego gets in tbe way and ill go ahead and admit im scared shitless of the depression and anxiety that goes along with getting clean.sometimes i thi k i just need my ass kicked.

 

[cj]

Give yours we lf dome credit. 13 years of success is amazing. Thinking your a piece of shit is counterproductive as fuck too. You quit once you can quit again. This time maybe don't take the worst parts of aa to heart.

 

[Mayonnaise5]

Thanks cj. You know at this point im kind of a rollercoazter of emotions and ideas and plans. Im kinda stuck in limbo between 3 phases, contemplation planning and action. It gets me pissed off that i just dont follow through.
I am trying to pull something positivebout of it and truth be told there really is some. This episode has reminded me how difficult it can be to quit. In a lot of ways i had forgotten and realky became jaded. I tbink that my "irritation" with clients that struggle showed a real lack of empathy and a callousness that has no place in treatment. Its also reminded of how quickly life can change and how quickly we can lose tbe thungs that Matter most.the first time i got clean the state had taken my children and that motivated me to finally suck it up and live again. I cant let it get to that point again.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I agree with the above, that just because you "slipped" or (re)lapsed doesn't magically erase all the useful lessons you learned or skillful deeds you did during your time clean.

Do you have any new motivations this time around Mayonnaise5? The one you already mentioned sounds pretty damn good in terms of stuff worth working with, but you know yourself best (and of course, your circumstances should dictate your plans and whatnot).

 

[jdfisse]

The empathy is strong. I feel a bit of a twinge in my heart for you. You know what to do. If you lose your career you would have thrown it away at the end of using anyway. You have experienced that path. If she leaves, unfortunately she would end up leaving anyway at some point, and probably in even more agony. As a rehab owner you understand HIPAA. Take a 30 day "vacation". Your employees don't have to KNOW until you are far enough removed from the pain for it to have value and then you can reveal it on your terms. PM me if you need to. I would always be glad to take a phone call from a friend.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

If you did it for 13 years, you can do it again.