120mg Vyvanse-Moderate Experience-Why can't I feel this way normally?

[dirzted]

I don't know how to think about meaning anymore.
Nothing means anything anymore, everything simply is.
It simply exists and that's all that matters to me.
I am free to toy around with the creations of the universe, without being confounded and distracted by what their meaning may be.
The fallout of meaning does not depress me, instead, it allows me to experience this day as a sort of ride, flying through the strange formations of matter that came from unknowable origins and viewing them in a blissful state of amazement.
Like Bill Hicks said "Don't be worried, don't be afraid, ever, because, it's just a ride..."

I am experiencing the epitome of that statement.
Letting the words slip out of the air and into my thoughts, letting them become apart of my perceptions, letting them become part of my being itself.
The euphoria is indescribable. It is beyond the reachings of a human being's consciousness.
It is impossible, I myself am not just feeling different and therefore I perceive my surroundings as different, my consciousness is so altered that my surroundings themselves become different and merge with my own perception of existence.
I am part of everything, and everything is a part of me.

Yet, I still consider this a form of "nodding."
You "nod" when you are thinking of nothing, in a blissful state of complete ignorance of existence.
You think of nothing.
However, in my mind state, I am everything, and everything is me.

But everything is nothing.

I am nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~
This is the best I can do at describing the mind state a solid dose of amphetamines throws me into.
I warn that although they may seem like a commonly used drug that isn't that powerful, they can be powerful if you are the right type of person, one who is in confusion about the meaning of the life.
And that my friends is an extremely common type of person.
Just because it doesn't come as white powder in a little baggie from the guy in the hoodie on the corner, doesn't mean it can't warp you conscious enough to disable your ability to get through the struggles of trying to become satisfied with life.

Hope this is okay as far as the standards of a trip report go

 

[Shibby33]

I've been a long time lurker on this board for years. There is so much great insight here.

I finally decided to create an account because your post moved me so much - it nearly brought me to tears.n

I too feel the same way you do. I sometimes consider myself a bit of a sociopath - a sociopath who hides in plain sight so as not to experience the harsh consequences of being different in society. The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from this experience of life is that the most insignificant, random, meaningless series of events have lead to the creation of a creature who is somewhat aware of his surroundings. That's all we are. I often wonder why that is better than a tree, or a rock, or an atom, or just nothing at all. Nothing exists - let me rephrase that - nothing exists for us. We are a fleeting cancer cell on rock. Our intelligence is our downfall, because we can recognize that that is all we are.

It often makes me wonder if the things people consider important in life like a wife, kids, suburban house, steady corporate job, 401k, etc. and all of the god damned tedium that goes along with that stuff is actually worth it when you're lying on your deathbed contemplating what kind of person you were. If we had any real sense we'd spend our time travelling all over the world as much as we possibly can, just to see whats out and there. Scuba diving, wing-suiting, base-jumping, giving our money to poor people so they can feel the same thrills. Sure, maybe even have a wife and kids along the way.

But the truth is - which NO ONE talks about - is that we die. And then your legacy dies. And then your entire family dies. And eventually that is a catastrophic event and we all die.

This right here is the main reason why I can't quit smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol. If I have this 1 life to live, I am going to flash-bang in, celebrate as much as possible, and go out when I want to go out - jump off a cliff at 70 years old or something. Why would I want to extend my shitty life full of pain and medical bills and loneliness and dementia.

Sorry. I'm rambling. I'm on a bit of Vyvanse, too, which is how I found this page. Trust me though, I feel this way sober as well.

You sound like somebody I would want to be friends with. I just wanted to let you know that your words touched me. I am an audio engineer. I'd almost want to record that and drop it in a song somewhere.

 

[pr0d1gy]

Good post, I can absolutely relate to wanting that initial feeling amphetamines gave me to last forever. I've been on vyvanse for about 5 years now, it has been a huge help and asset in my life. Unfortunately, that amazing initial feeling dies out pretty quickly with chronic use.

It is a sad fact that people aren't chemically supposed to feel that way normally.

 

[dirzted]

I've been a long time lurker on this board for years. There is so much great insight here.

I finally decided to create an account because your post moved me so much - it nearly brought me to tears.n

I too feel the same way you do. I sometimes consider myself a bit of a sociopath - a sociopath who hides in plain sight so as not to experience the harsh consequences of being different in society. The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from this experience of life is that the most insignificant, random, meaningless series of events have lead to the creation of a creature who is somewhat aware of his surroundings. That's all we are. I often wonder why that is better than a tree, or a rock, or an atom, or just nothing at all. Nothing exists - let me rephrase that - nothing exists for us. We are a fleeting cancer cell on rock. Our intelligence is our downfall, because we can recognize that that is all we are.

It often makes me wonder if the things people consider important in life like a wife, kids, suburban house, steady corporate job, 401k, etc. and all of the god damned tedium that goes along with that stuff is actually worth it when you're lying on your deathbed contemplating what kind of person you were. If we had any real sense we'd spend our time travelling all over the world as much as we possibly can, just to see whats out and there. Scuba diving, wing-suiting, base-jumping, giving our money to poor people so they can feel the same thrills. Sure, maybe even have a wife and kids along the way.

But the truth is - which NO ONE talks about - is that we die. And then your legacy dies. And then your entire family dies. And eventually that is a catastrophic event and we all die.

This right here is the main reason why I can't quit smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol. If I have this 1 life to live, I am going to flash-bang in, celebrate as much as possible, and go out when I want to go out - jump off a cliff at 70 years old or something. Why would I want to extend my shitty life full of pain and medical bills and loneliness and dementia.

Sorry. I'm rambling. I'm on a bit of Vyvanse, too, which is how I found this page. Trust me though, I feel this way sober as well.

You sound like somebody I would want to be friends with. I just wanted to let you know that your words touched me. I am an audio engineer. I'd almost want to record that and drop it in a song somewhere.

wow well that makes me happy that my writing was worthwhile to someone.
Hard to believe but I actually wrote that thing coming down.
And yep prodigy it is sad that we can't feel that way normally but I guess sadness is a gift, if you were only happy you'd only be appreciating half of the world, one needs to acknowledge sin in order to have an understanding of everything and not have a one sided view on life. You can't have good without evil, can't be happy without being sad first etc.

Abraxas

 

[dimensiontripping]

I've been a long time lurker on this board for years. There is so much great insight here.

I finally decided to create an account because your post moved me so much - it nearly brought me to tears.n

I too feel the same way you do. I sometimes consider myself a bit of a sociopath - a sociopath who hides in plain sight so as not to experience the harsh consequences of being different in society. The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from this experience of life is that the most insignificant, random, meaningless series of events have lead to the creation of a creature who is somewhat aware of his surroundings. That's all we are. I often wonder why that is better than a tree, or a rock, or an atom, or just nothing at all. Nothing exists - let me rephrase that - nothing exists for us. We are a fleeting cancer cell on rock. Our intelligence is our downfall, because we can recognize that that is all we are.

It often makes me wonder if the things people consider important in life like a wife, kids, suburban house, steady corporate job, 401k, etc. and all of the god damned tedium that goes along with that stuff is actually worth it when you're lying on your deathbed contemplating what kind of person you were. If we had any real sense we'd spend our time travelling all over the world as much as we possibly can, just to see whats out and there. Scuba diving, wing-suiting, base-jumping, giving our money to poor people so they can feel the same thrills. Sure, maybe even have a wife and kids along the way.

But the truth is - which NO ONE talks about - is that we die. And then your legacy dies. And then your entire family dies. And eventually that is a catastrophic event and we all die.

This right here is the main reason why I can't quit smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol. If I have this 1 life to live, I am going to flash-bang in, celebrate as much as possible, and go out when I want to go out - jump off a cliff at 70 years old or something. Why would I want to extend my shitty life full of pain and medical bills and loneliness and dementia.

Sorry. I'm rambling. I'm on a bit of Vyvanse, too, which is how I found this page. Trust me though, I feel this way sober as well.

You sound like somebody I would want to be friends with. I just wanted to let you know that your words touched me. I am an audio engineer. I'd almost want to record that and drop it in a song somewhere.

I understand your sentiment but there is a lot more to life than partying, smoking cigarettes and enjoying relatively cheap thrills of your life. Going out with a "bang" is too fatalistic. your consequences radiate throughout the universe. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, not humans having a spiritual experience. There is infinite depth in operating a life more sober that is deeply satisfying. I am not here to change your mind, but I felt strongly opposed to your views that lets just fuck it, because were going to die eventually.