Yup pretty much as the title says... I’m struggling hard right now. A little background on me since I haven’t talked about my past addictions. Growing up I was part of that rough crowd in school that people avoid unless they want drugs lol.
Heavily addicted to cocaine and alcohol during high school. Drinking at least a half pint a day just to keep the shakes off. To give perspective, it was an average Friday, Saturday as a 16yr old to drink an entire .75 or 1 liter bottle mostly to myself. Usually about 3/4 of it, sharing the rest.
Then even though I had been around opiates my whole life, having tried them before without not much enjoyment, I had an experience one night with heroin that completely changed the game for me. It was a typical weekend night, had drank heavily and wa beginning to comedown hard with the shakes. My friend had some raw, I had tried h before but never true pure. He was scared due to my drinking I’d OD but after begging him he gave me probably 5mg or less.
Instantly all the pain, the anxiety, the nausea, it all went away. I was social, I was more on my game then ever before yet clearheaded compared to alcohol. Woke up the next day feeling better than ever. Alcohol with no hangover huh? And I was hooked hard.
Used for 3 years but managed to destroy myself in that time. Met a girl in the last year of it that made me realize life is worth living. I also came to this weird realization that no matter how rich I was, how connected I could get, there’d still be times for whatever reason outside of my control where I’d run out and be sick as fuck. I just couldn’t take the WD anymore.
I started on suboxone and had one week clean after popping out of the detox center. I was so proud of myself.. So you know what I did? Get a bag of dope of course! But I didn’t realize that even one week clean majorly effects tolerance.
Me and my girl decide to go off into the woods for a nice night out, start a fire, look at the stars, and in my case secretly shoot some dope any chance I could..
I was properly nodding out, I’m talking nodding like I never have before... I was speaking to people in my dreams and talking in real life, confusing the fuck out my innocent gf. I was sick at the time and blamed it on “an allergy to DXM cough medicine.”
Some time goes by and we see a truck pull up to our area, which was a bit odd considering how far out we were but nothing to surprising. As we sat by the fire some guy came walking down the path and by our fire, I said hi to him and he just looked at us with no response and kept walking.
In my state of mind this wasn’t weird to me, I was too high for it to register. The guy walks by again as the trail is an out n back, and we see his truck drive off.
20mins later there’s some rustling in the woods next to us. I’m so high I don’t even hear it at first but my girl starts to get increasingly scared to the point where she eventually breaks me out of my trance enough to hear it too. I knew it wasn’t an animal by its movements.
I started yelling at the woods and grabbed a big log screaming to whoever to come out like a man but the person is trying now get back into the woods. At this point we decide to pack up and bail..
And as we are waking out we see it, the guys truck.. He had drove it a ways down the road and parked again. The noise in the woods was him. Soon as we saw that, my adrenaline kicked in full gear. Until we got into the car and 15min of driving behind me, I was sweating it hard.
This was my moment though, I realized even further that my inability to properly protect my girl could have caused her to be potentially raped and/or murdered out there in the woods that night. We almost experienced some deliverance type shit because I was too high to respond appropriately.
So a few more relapses over about a year, always a day or two followed by a lot of guilt.. And I’ve been on suboxone ever since. Started at around 1-2mg, highest I’ve been was 6mg, for the last 5years I’ve been on .5-1mg.
Sorry for the life story there lol, kinda just spilled out.
But back to my cravings, I’ve had pretty much zero cravings up until this last year. Life has been so rough and all the sudden heroin and the thought of a needle piercing my flesh gets me giddy when before it’d make me nauseous.
I’ve never had cravings like these before either, they seem to almost be like borderline anxiety attacks where I’m gasping for air and all I can think about is dope. They’re so bad I’ve watched words morph into things like “heroin” or “needle” in front of my eyes. I’ve had times at night where I’m enter this half awake half asleep dream like state where I’m using or what have you..
It’s all becoming too much for me.. I know the causes and know I need to change the root of the problem or else it’ll keep happening but at the moment I don’t know if I can or if it’s even possible. Likeky furthering this whole anxious/craving thing.
I’m grateful thanks to my health practices, as well as occasional use of psychedelics over the years have helped me to hold my ground so to speak when these absolutely monsterous cravings appear but I’m getting weaker and weaker.
AA/NA isn’t an option for me for a number of reasons which I’ve spoken about elsewhere.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking for, I just needed to vent but any suggestions are more than welcome. Thanks for reading, I’ll add more later..
-GC
Heavily addicted to cocaine and alcohol during high school. Drinking at least a half pint a day just to keep the shakes off. To give perspective, it was an average Friday, Saturday as a 16yr old to drink an entire .75 or 1 liter bottle mostly to myself. Usually about 3/4 of it, sharing the rest.
Then even though I had been around opiates my whole life, having tried them before without not much enjoyment, I had an experience one night with heroin that completely changed the game for me. It was a typical weekend night, had drank heavily and wa beginning to comedown hard with the shakes. My friend had some raw, I had tried h before but never true pure. He was scared due to my drinking I’d OD but after begging him he gave me probably 5mg or less.
Instantly all the pain, the anxiety, the nausea, it all went away. I was social, I was more on my game then ever before yet clearheaded compared to alcohol. Woke up the next day feeling better than ever. Alcohol with no hangover huh? And I was hooked hard.
Used for 3 years but managed to destroy myself in that time. Met a girl in the last year of it that made me realize life is worth living. I also came to this weird realization that no matter how rich I was, how connected I could get, there’d still be times for whatever reason outside of my control where I’d run out and be sick as fuck. I just couldn’t take the WD anymore.
I started on suboxone and had one week clean after popping out of the detox center. I was so proud of myself.. So you know what I did? Get a bag of dope of course! But I didn’t realize that even one week clean majorly effects tolerance.
Me and my girl decide to go off into the woods for a nice night out, start a fire, look at the stars, and in my case secretly shoot some dope any chance I could..
I was properly nodding out, I’m talking nodding like I never have before... I was speaking to people in my dreams and talking in real life, confusing the fuck out my innocent gf. I was sick at the time and blamed it on “an allergy to DXM cough medicine.”
Some time goes by and we see a truck pull up to our area, which was a bit odd considering how far out we were but nothing to surprising. As we sat by the fire some guy came walking down the path and by our fire, I said hi to him and he just looked at us with no response and kept walking.
In my state of mind this wasn’t weird to me, I was too high for it to register. The guy walks by again as the trail is an out n back, and we see his truck drive off.
20mins later there’s some rustling in the woods next to us. I’m so high I don’t even hear it at first but my girl starts to get increasingly scared to the point where she eventually breaks me out of my trance enough to hear it too. I knew it wasn’t an animal by its movements.
I started yelling at the woods and grabbed a big log screaming to whoever to come out like a man but the person is trying now get back into the woods. At this point we decide to pack up and bail..
And as we are waking out we see it, the guys truck.. He had drove it a ways down the road and parked again. The noise in the woods was him. Soon as we saw that, my adrenaline kicked in full gear. Until we got into the car and 15min of driving behind me, I was sweating it hard.
This was my moment though, I realized even further that my inability to properly protect my girl could have caused her to be potentially raped and/or murdered out there in the woods that night. We almost experienced some deliverance type shit because I was too high to respond appropriately.
So a few more relapses over about a year, always a day or two followed by a lot of guilt.. And I’ve been on suboxone ever since. Started at around 1-2mg, highest I’ve been was 6mg, for the last 5years I’ve been on .5-1mg.
Sorry for the life story there lol, kinda just spilled out.
But back to my cravings, I’ve had pretty much zero cravings up until this last year. Life has been so rough and all the sudden heroin and the thought of a needle piercing my flesh gets me giddy when before it’d make me nauseous.
I’ve never had cravings like these before either, they seem to almost be like borderline anxiety attacks where I’m gasping for air and all I can think about is dope. They’re so bad I’ve watched words morph into things like “heroin” or “needle” in front of my eyes. I’ve had times at night where I’m enter this half awake half asleep dream like state where I’m using or what have you..
It’s all becoming too much for me.. I know the causes and know I need to change the root of the problem or else it’ll keep happening but at the moment I don’t know if I can or if it’s even possible. Likeky furthering this whole anxious/craving thing.
I’m grateful thanks to my health practices, as well as occasional use of psychedelics over the years have helped me to hold my ground so to speak when these absolutely monsterous cravings appear but I’m getting weaker and weaker.
AA/NA isn’t an option for me for a number of reasons which I’ve spoken about elsewhere.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking for, I just needed to vent but any suggestions are more than welcome. Thanks for reading, I’ll add more later..
-GC