10 years and he says he wants sex with other women!!! fucked up i know

[loopyloo]

hi im very new here and only here because i need someone to talk to

Its a long and drawn out complicated situation.

Ive been with my husband for 10 years, married for 4.
Im genuinley a very open minded person and can talk alot with my partner, he is my best friend.
Before we were married i agreed to a fmf threesome. With an attitude of dont jugde before you have experienced, i also want add this was MY suggestion after we saw a swingging thing on tv............this was my biggest mistake I HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT and only got over it because at least i was clued up enough to do this with a total stranger we would and never have seen again.

He knows I hated it, he knows ive regretted it ever since.

then last night he says bluntly "i want sex with another woman, any woman"

Ive suspected this for years but ignored it and locked the thought away in a hidden chest along with everything else.........im good at ignoring and forgetting painfull things.

but after last night im really struggling.

Ive always put him first,
Im always horny so we have sex a lot........ but if im low its only about twice a week.
Im happy to play with toys with him too and like to get really kinky.
im also 18 years younger than him..... what more can a man want!!!!!!!!!
Ive put my life on hold to help him bring up his kids that live with us as theyre mum was a fuck up, ive also stopped persuing my career to help him run his business.
Im not really close enough to any friends to get help and advise and my family would go nuts.

plus im ashamed after everything we have gone through and everything ive given him IM NOT ENOUGH.

ive asked what he feels is missing from our sex life and his only answer is he loves me but wants sex with another woman....... he is fine for me to have sex with other men and women BUT I DONT WANT THAT and feel thats just his copout to get his own way..............

thoughts and opinions please im falling apart

 

[llama112]

Wow, this is a really tough situation. You've been together for so long. Have you asked him why? Sex twice a week on your "low" weeks is still quite a bit for someone that has been with their partner for so long to be honest. It's not like he's lacking in sex.

10 years later and asking to have sex with someone else is kind of "out there". Why would he do this?

Maybe there is something secret he'd like to try. You said you are okay to try new things (unless it involves other people) but maybe there is something he wants to try but can't bring it up to you?

 

[Pagey]

Ah fuck, what an awful situation, I'm sorry. It's a bit strange that he wouldn't elaborate any more when you asked why...I guess it is relatively normal for some people to get 'bored' of their partner after so long (I'm not saying that's what's happening specifically) or to feel like they need to explore their general sexuality more, but the fact that he wouldn't have more regards for your feelings here is definitely surprising and inconsiderate, to say the least.
I dunno. If I were you I'd keep pushing for an actual reason on his part because I think that might help you get over all this more easily. Also, don't give in if you're not comfortable with it. I can imagine it'd be fairly easy to give in under pressure eventually in this scenario but I think you should definitely hold your ground...sorry I don't have better advice best of luck.

 

[Mysterie]

if he knows its going to hurt you and he still wants to fuck around this is a reallly selfish move on his part, although it is good that he asked you instead of doing it behind your back

a big part of love is wanting the person you love to be happy, even if you have to make sacrifices yourself

can you just say no? its not unreasonable, if him fucking other women is going to cause you pain and sorrow then if he loves you he will respect your wishes

as to why he would want to? men are suckers for variety and of course he would have fantasies of getting with other women, it just confounds me a bit, that he knew how much it hurt for you to go through the threesome experience, and he still asked you if he can mack other chicks...

youve already given up a lot of independent living to be with him!!, he should be able to do tit-for-tat

i hope you can resolve this without causing you too much grief

 

[loopyloo]

Thanks for the replies xx I really can't even stand to look at him right now :/ I get the "other woman IDEA" but is not just what he said that's hurt so much it's the lack of consideration and respect in his tone and body language. Very I WILL and you don't get a say, kinda attitude. Tbh the IDEA of 3somes, swinging ect was a tini strange turn on years ago, but once experienced it's something I can't handle.... I had a good few sexual partners before I started seeing him 10 years ago but to be honest I'm almost only 27.....he is 45, what more can this guy possible expect from me?? I'm so hurt, I'm feeling perhaps there is no resolving this. If he apologises we talk and never speak of it again I know he is not satisfied in this relationship and will probably therefore cheat.
If I relent, and we go "swinging" or "open realationship" I will a, hate myself and b hate him even more.
For the first time in my life I don't know what to do. X

 

[Pagey]

^Yeah no kidding you're upset about this, you have every right to be...ack I really don't know what to say here, I feel bad. If I were you I'd probably just be pissed off at him until he apologises or realises how much of a dick he's being but that's not necessarily the most productive of approaches...
Like you said, even if he tells you he won't do it you'll probably still have the doubt that he'll cheat on you regardless...it's a tough one, to put it lightly.

Sorry, I've really got no ideas I hope things get better

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Don't suggest things you don't want

 

[Johnny1]

How is the rest of the relationship? I know he's your best friend, but that's a relative term and doesn't reveal how happy you are. You're young and you can still return to your career and/or raise your own family. I understand you're married, but - just sayin - you've got options.

 

[T. Calderone]

I agree with Johnny, you do have options. This man has made it clear to you that he's going to have sex with someone else whether you like it or not. What sort of marriage is that? He sounds like a selfish prick, he loves you but wants sex with other women? You've spent your entire adult life with him, given up your career and the chance of having your own kids. What exactly does he do for you besides make you feel like you're not enough? Sorry I'm old school and that shit doesn't fly with me. I would divorce his sorry ass and never look back.

 

[herbie428]

A mans view...from a one woman man. My first thought regards the possibility of you have putting on a lot of weight. Sex with a heavier woman is different than with a slender woman. Sorry... it's true. This is not to say a larger woman cannot be a tiger in bed. I assure they can! True love transcends all obstacles, however. It appears to me one of two issues. The first regards something sexual that he thinks he has lost. He needs to be truthful and say. Then the two of you work as a team to resolve HIS internal conflict. The second regards a self-centered man that is not worth having. Such a man uses a woman to get his needs met. Wow, you raised his kids, helped him with the business, and who know what else. Leave him if he used you. However, I cannot help but think there is critical info missing when you say it is complicated. If you really want help, put it all out there. It's anonymous anyway.

 

[RedRum OG]

tell him how you feel, tell him what you want. thats all you can do. if he feels the same way as you do about him, he wont do anything to hurt you. if he does, well, then you know where you stand.

 

[loopyloo]

Our retaliation ship has always been affectionate and passionate. I have not gained any weight at all during our 10 years, nor have I lost it. I've also not had kids ect The only thing that's different physically is my hair, it's now longer and he loves it. I work and live with him, I socialise with him. We are only really apart if one or the other is working and the other is with kids. To make this very clear I've never wanted kids, point blank. I always wanted a loving partner and a happy home & work environment. I thought I had it, seems not though the more I think about his sudden lack of respect for my feelings the more I feel naive and led astray. has he been sooooo perfect for so long thinking I'm so fun and would literally DO anything for him?? 10 years is a long time, but these past 48 hours not interacting has felt like a lifetime. Having said that I'm not going to make a fast decision on this, I am however going to be telling him 110% how this has ruined our marriage, I can only but take it from there. as clearly he must feel we are missing something. But I'm being very blunt, I am the same woman I always was and my confidence can not be entirely shattered by this. If he is so desperate to try another woman out then clearly I'm not the woman he really wants. I am confident, out spoken, fun, always playing pranks but also intelligent and try to be as sexy as I can in the bedroom and any other places that takes our fancy. I take on our financial responsibilitys, I've supported both him and his kids 110% mentally and physically. I'm not work shy and I avoid debt like the black hole. I just can't figure out what more any man could want!!!! Oh yes I can to have a good wife like me but slag it up with every pulse walking by :/
I think deep down this will be the end of us. I'm feeling more and more like a house mate as time goes on. I just don't understand how he can say he loves me but totally disregard my feelings. For what I have bluntly told him I'm feeling although I don't want to talk or look at him, his response was "fine I won't mention it again" this to me just sounds like a sulking child biding their time. Not once has he said I'm sorry or even tried to explain

 

[loopyloo]

I say it's complicated because I love him. We had a threesome in the past and as stated I hated it. I should never never have tried to make his fantasy a reality, even though the thought was kinda horny. I discovered the hard way Some things should be left as just that, a fantasy. But he has always known I hated it, he has proposed and in fact married me since all that. We are 6 years down the line from a 30minute 3some was hell, why would he even say this to me. I can't fathom it. If you don't want me for me, just leave already

 

[axl blaze]

ask him - "why do you want to have sex with another woman?"

this is a bit disrespectful of him, and you have every right to feel hurt

 

[Johnny1]

I've been married for 10 years, as well. I love my wife and don't want any other partner (in the sense of a life partner). But I do want to fuck other women! Sometimes quite badly. I'm attracted to my wife and we have good sex but it's not every kind of sex I want. Her character is solid as a rock and we get along on a day-to-day basis and we have very similar values, and by the time I got married I learned how important these things were. But even if she were like you in that she would have a very kinky side, it still would not be enough, because men's programming is to be with more than one woman. You can't gauge what sex is for us and what it would mean to be with another woman based on your own experience of sex. It's completely different for us. I want to fuck every hot woman I see - and then go home to my partner who I love. Sex <> love for men. The ONLY reason I'm monogamous is because my wife would not be cool with outside sex. But I'm not monogamous inside. I can't imagine that any guys who make sex a priority are, either. It's not a reflection on how much love I have for my wife, how miserable I'd be without her, or how attractive I find her. It's about what I was put on this earth to do.

Is it possible that your husband is merely being honest with you about what he wants, asked your permission, and dropped the subject when you said no, all the while being the very same man you thought you've been with for 10 years?

 

[pofacedhoe]

never put someone elses career before your own. i worked with a woman who married this dude had a wayyy better job thatn him, had his kids and encouraged him to go for a really well paid job £100'000 a year. anyway once he got rich he went after some girl from his school days that was only interested in how he was now rich. now she has a shit job and went from living on a £100'000 slary to about £7000. bit of a tumble in the lifestyle stakes. nuff said

always look after number 1 (career wise) and then you will be independent and therefore worth fighting for. it helps you keep control.

i'm sorry your husband is displaying this lack of respect. i'm in a relationship now but i would never suggest this type of thing as i dont think it shows any respect for your partner if you know they wont enjoy it.

 

[jam uh weezy]

Me and my girlfriend of almost 4 years recently decided to not be...uh, going out anymore. In the last year, I've been gravitating more and more towards the idea of becoming involved with another girl. I haven't been as good to her as I am capable of, or want to be, or used to be. I feel this strong enough to continue despite the possibility that i might never be as compatible with another girl than her. I still love her so much and she is still my best friend, but I knew deep down my curiosities were hurting her.


My advice to you would be to trust your intuition. Those deep, looming predictions about the future are most likely a reflection of your accurately human empathetic skills. Especially when you've known someone so long, you can almost read their minds in an indirect way.

Thank you for sharing your story, it kind of sheds some perspective on my own. I agree that, judging from your story, the way your husband talks about the issue seems very insensitive. But understand this is probably a mind fuck for him as well. You say you've suspected this for a while now, so chances are he has been battling with this in his mind as well...

 

[Bearlove]

never put someone elses career before your own. i worked with a woman who married this dude had a wayyy better job thatn him, had his kids and encouraged him to go for a really well paid job £100'000 a year. anyway once he got rich he went after some girl from his school days that was only interested in how he was now rich. now she has a shit job and went from living on a £100'000 slary to about £7000. bit of a tumble in the lifestyle stakes. nuff said

always look after number 1 (career wise) and then you will be independent and therefore worth fighting for. it helps you keep control.

i'm sorry your husband is displaying this lack of respect. i'm in a relationship now but i would never suggest this type of thing as i dont think it shows any respect for your partner if you know they wont enjoy it.

I tend to disagree with this - If you were in the position of. Loving LTR - you had the option of both working all hours of the day to break even, then you had the opportunity to take a position that paid more that 4 times what the pair of you could make in a year at the cost of your partner ending their current career? The non worker really has not lost anything - they are still financially secure, they have a credit card and money to fall back on if it goes tits up.

One person working less hours and making 4x the amount of money than both of you working flat out.... Yeah the non working person could get a job doing something unrelated to their skills just to keep busy/ feel needed etc/ or give their services / skills for free.

 

[pofacedhoe]

I tend to disagree with this - If you were in the position of. Loving LTR - you had the option of both working all hours of the day to break even, then you had the opportunity to take a position that paid more that 4 times what the pair of you could make in a year at the cost of your partner ending their current career? The non worker really has not lost anything - they are still financially secure, they have a credit card and money to fall back on if it goes tits up.

One person working less hours and making 4x the amount of money than both of you working flat out.... Yeah the non working person could get a job doing something unrelated to their skills just to keep busy/ feel needed etc/ or give their services / skills for free.

what i was saying is that its worth remembering that if you put yourself in a financially weak position you can get fucked. some people work as a team but some people jump ship once their are earning more.

its wise to keep your own career and to develop it. because when you are old you would prefer to have the mortgage paid off. which one person can do if they have a good career.

i've seen people stuck working in a job they hate unable to get back to their better paid career before. its not cool in your mid forties...

 

[quiet roar]

Have you asked him why?

Are you serious?


OP: Nothing fucked-up in what he said, at all. There are a lot of men who are in loving, happy relationships but really would love to be physical with another woman (and yes, pretty much any woman would do) because many years with one person, even when the sex is good, can get same-ish. If you had lobster every day for 10 years, I reckon you would crave a burger, and sex isn't that different, for a lot of people. Be thankful (or maybe not?) that he is discussing rather than just acting on his desires.