0 libido , boring people , apathy , love it

[cheffy]

I feel zero libido , completely apathic , i dont want to watch porn because it'll just bore me, i hate how women are used and the sex is portraited .

everyone just look so fake around me ,people try so hard to project an image of themselves instead of being themselves when in social situations , when talking to others people only hear according to the image they allready had in their head.

I used to be anxious in social situations but now it just looks like a weird comedy.
I love it , that apathy , i got hurt all of my life by the people who love me , i dont care anymore , i just feel really in this moment.

im writing this with a smile on my face , i feel no desire for anything, not the future nor the past.

its hard to type when there is music playing in the backround , because my brain wants to stop thinking and just enjoy the experience of the notes.


There are so much mind games till you find someone, thinking about your own image , how you dress , what you say.

All i really want is just to sit infront of a girl who caught my eye, and no one talks , just looking into each others eye , no judgement , just curiosity and admiration for the beauty of the human portrait.

Cuddle while watching pulp fiction , what does her hair smell like .

Sex?
for some reason i dont feel like rushing at all anymore
, and its not like i've "been there and done that" with all the things you can experiment and enjoy with sex.


Im more into feeling how does her skin feels when i put my hand over it , if its cold , il get closer till its warm.

just crossing our noses close to a kiss , feeling the warmth each others breath , listening to that sound , but not kissing.

writing a new piece of music dedicated solely for that person .


Words words words, i guess this is just me trying to find an explanation to something that does not want to be ever explained by words , but just by the experience itself.

Il ask a question just to open a discussion , after writting all of this , i realized the answer is only to come from within anyway.


meh , i wont even ask a question .
il let it be

 

[Ligaturd]

Remember when we kissed and touched each others pee pee's? Pure fucking magic! You will always by my little sancho.

 

[Erikmen]

It seems you are a little disappointed cheffy.

I believe we all get through some phases where all of these society games just seem too much theatrical and you refuse to be part of it.
Sometimes there are other factors behind your apathy. I used be so rebel about life's hypocrisy. Zero tolerance.

I can see all of this too, but I remember getting in love and then I was part of these same games without even noticing. I suppose it's a cycle.

Don't look so closely to the things you don't like but do search for the things that might catch your breath even though they might be rare.

By the way, welcome to Bluelight!!
Take care
Erik

 

[Ligaturd]

I could not care less about either of you being together, I don't have feelings for her. My intentions are exactly as I stated. All that I cared about is after hearing people talking about katie and I and me asking you if it was angie and mentioning sabotage, the guilt in your voice. Constantly hearing things, still getting weirdness in your voice and bullying. I was left hearing things and suspecting everyone was lying to me and confiding in Sara about it and venting to her about you. Then you were both acting off. And then Calvin telling me to "be honest next time" nd not telling me what he was talking about. You have no idea how sadistic and unessecary this all is and it's psychopathic. I told you both that I could not be mad at you living your lives and it was fine, I just wanted the truth and that's the only right thing to have done but you are incapable of telling the truth.

I don't have this image in my head that I am better than anybody, the situation and being lied to and guessing what was happening having a mental breakdown had me reliving everything that has gone wrong in the past. I told both of you this, I actually entrusted both of you with the truth and you could have still had that, told me the truth and given me what I needed which is a detailed view of things I can't see about myself. I was never trying to break you up, I couldn't have known the whole time and what I told Sara was after we started butting heads. Telling her a more detailed account of everything is just showing that I never lied, I don't want to tear you apart I don't want to be suffering in this sadistic manipulation of absolutely every area of my recovery justified by my apparent "knowing the whole time and trying to do this or that". I could hear her talking about going to my doctor, the people at NA, you urging me to go on anti-psychotics to conceal your cowardice. You owe it to yourself to stop being a coward and a bully.

 

[cheffy]

It seems you are a little disappointed cheffy.

I believe we all get through some phases where all of these society games just seem too much theatrical and you refuse to be part of it.
Sometimes there are other factors behind your apathy. I used be so rebel about life's hypocrisy. Zero tolerance.

I can see all of this too, but I remember getting in love and then I was part of these same games without even noticing. I suppose it's a cycle.

Don't look so closely to the things you don't like but do search for the things that might catch your breath even though they might be rare.

By the way, welcome to Bluelight!!
Take care
Erik

Good point. thanks for the warm welcome hehe

Thats the odd thing, im not looking at the things i dont like now , i wrote them down , because a part of my brain tries to figure out why i dont care about them anymore.

I realised how much of my thoughts reflect how much i hate myself , realizing and acknowledging it , i think i sort of got bored of hating myself all the time.

Perhaps im just starting to know what it feels to love thyself , thus i feel like i can welcome someone new into my life.

I could not care less about either of you being together, I don't have feelings for her. My intentions are exactly as I stated. All that I cared about is after hearing people talking about katie and I and me asking you if it was angie and mentioning sabotage, the guilt in your voice. Constantly hearing things, still getting weirdness in your voice and bullying. I was left hearing things and suspecting everyone was lying to me and confiding in Sara about it and venting to her about you. Then you were both acting off. And then Calvin telling me to "be honest next time" nd not telling me what he was talking about. You have no idea how sadistic and unessecary this all is and it's psychopathic. I told you both that I could not be mad at you living your lives and it was fine, I just wanted the truth and that's the only right thing to have done but you are incapable of telling the truth.

I don't have this image in my head that I am better than anybody, the situation and being lied to and guessing what was happening having a mental breakdown had me reliving everything that has gone wrong in the past. I told both of you this, I actually entrusted both of you with the truth and you could have still had that, told me the truth and given me what I needed which is a detailed view of things I can't see about myself. I was never trying to break you up, I couldn't have known the whole time and what I told Sara was after we started butting heads. Telling her a more detailed account of everything is just showing that I never lied, I don't want to tear you apart I don't want to be suffering in this sadistic manipulation of absolutely every area of my recovery justified by my apparent "knowing the whole time and trying to do this or that". I could hear her talking about going to my doctor, the people at NA, you urging me to go on anti-psychotics to conceal your cowardice. You owe it to yourself to stop being a coward and a bully.

Sounds like you someone have hurt you , but if you are reffering to me as one of the people you mentioned , im not them
Its really poetic though , and id never urge someone to go on anti psychotics