Last week I started doing physical exercise, did 3 workouts after not doing anything for 1.5 years when I was drinking heavy & abusing Blow. Well, then came this last weekend, somehow I ended up going to a sauna/pool party, which of course ended up with plenty of Blow & Weed and little sleep. Although, I managed to get plenty of sleep after the weekend and yesterday did a workout, today I'm feeling like garbage, i.e. not being able to focus on work, no energy, rage fits on and off.
Then I started to think why such a low feeling. Turns out during the weekend I forgot to take my Fluvoxamine (an A/D) and since I'm out of cash for anything, going through an A/D withdrawal (popped a Fluvox pill today), Weed WD & Blow WD. No wonder I feel like I do. This is the time when I urgently need to step up my work performance and finally start to solve my problems, yet I want to just escape reality .. sleep and put my head into sand, like it would solve anything..
I hate how my life has become because of too much Blow, being barely able to afford anything and having so many debts and problems; I so foolishly thought that alcohol was the biggest culprit, but.. I haven't had a drink in 2 months, but I still haven't improved anything else during this time besides starting to do workouts (which I love); I guess it's at least something to hold by, a small hope.
The day after tomorrow is my salary, will finally be able to afford some food, some cigarettes, some gasoline for my bike.. at least something. I've never been so broke and now I realize how stupidly I wasted so much money on Blow, on parties and other bullshit which apart from a couple of hours of fun, always makes me even more depressed in the long run.
I now realize I need to spend quality time with myself, just workout, just learn to ride my bike as I love, eat normal food, not processed junk; read some books/web; I've realized that by doing things I love my mental state is improving too.
The only problem now is to be able to skip these weekend parties where everyone is doing Blow/Smoking & drinking.
Sorry for the long rant everybody, I really needed to vent..