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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

something i can never have...

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panic in paradise

panic in paradise

Bluelighter
Joined
May 3, 2000
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have you ever felt this way, the want, the need, the love?

go on, or just explain how you dealt with it.
 
I feel this way all the time. I tend to be either very optimistic (overly so) abotu soemthing or extremely pessimistic.

The extreme optimism leads to inevitable failure which then increases the occurrence of extreme pessimism.

I am becoming pessimistic that I will find someone to spend my life with.

I am not sure if this is what you were going for in yourpost. My apologies if I went off in the wrong direction.
 
I've always wanted to be a being made purely of light. A self aware being of light, much like humans are now, but more powerful, and much more beautiful/heavenly.
 
I felt like that for many years, luckily in my late 20's I got what I thought I could never have - which I always thought was to be liked by others, or to be normal; I realized later it was to be liked by myself.

Once I started to appreciate myself, life got much better and is now great. I'm still not normal but I revel in my oddness. I still can't emotionaly connect like a normal person, but I accept it and sit happily on the outside. I still go through mania and depression, but now I recognize the phases for what they are and know that they are temporary, and since I stopped partying I am ten times more level headed than ever before.

It's hard to believe it myself - but I went from being too much of a wimp to kill myself in my younger days to really enjoying life today (and for the last 8 years or so). Now I have a wife and a kid on the way.

My self image went from way below zero to pretty good, then I got semi-disfigured (nothing really major but enough to knock me off my high - in more ways than one) and settled to pretty good, but self conscious. And glad to have my minor issues over the real issues I could have.

Anyway - yes, but luckily not anymore.
 
I think right now I want the same thing I imagine everyone has yearned for deeply at some point, to be able to go back and do things different. Make different decisions with different consequances.

Maybe in hindsight my current situation will seem like a learning experience that will allow me to grow as a person, but from the middle of it right now, I really wish I could go back and divert things to a smoother course. Stupid of me to stress over what I can't change, but that's what we do I guess.
 
If there is one thing I would like to share with other bluelighters is that if you allow yourself to survive long enough there is a good chance your life will get better - until you realize how old you are and how much time you wasted - but that's another story.

The other extreme would be the star high school athlete that peaked in high school - your life may go downhill, but for the rest of us . . .
 
Bliss from ignorance about certain things that are comforting to be ignorant about.
 
CBRworm said:
The other extreme would be the star high school athlete that peaked in high school - your life may go downhill, but for the rest of us . . .
Click to expand...

You know it always depressed me when people said highschool was supposed to be the golden years of your life. If the golden years of life are 13 - 18, then what is there to look forward to afterwards?

I always thought that highschool was just the beginning, training for the real world. Of course I seem to have crashed before even getting off the ground, so not sure where that leaves me :p
 
To be perfectly honest, there hasn't been much in my life that I wanted and couldn't have. I seem to be quite good at finding a way to get what I want (without causing harm or inconvenience to others of course :))

But now there is something I want that just seems so out of reach.
And I don't really know how to cope.

I'm sure I'll come up with a solution...
 
To me, your concept is a game. We clever humans play it, and keep losing on purpose. I see it as trying to cross an asymptote, if you can understand me..


It is driven by a fear of winning. Winning is too easy, right?
 
Ah, for some reason I find GG so hard to listen to..I just can't, I tried his other shit..
Oh I see you feel the same way, I guess..


But I can't start hijacking threads man, I only have 18 posts! haha
 
econ 2 said:
To me, your concept is a game. We clever humans play it, and keep losing on purpose. I see it as trying to cross an asymptote, if you can understand me..


It is driven by a fear of winning. Winning is too easy, right?
Click to expand...

econ were you referring to my post??

In normal circumstances I think you would be spot on. Once we win, the game's over, right?!

But in this particular situation I am referring to, winning is all I want. There are just so many obstacles though. And like I said, I've always found a way of getting what I want BUT without hurting or inconveniencing others in the process. It seems like that will be completely unavoidable this time...
 
Oh no, no I was talking about the OP's idea..
I wouldn't just come on here and start talking about your issues like that. I'm not that rude.

I may even know how you feel..
 
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