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Wanting to Die Doesn't Go Away After Acute WIthdrawal

ChemicallyEnhanced

ChemicallyEnhanced

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 29, 2018
Messages
10,403
Location
UK
I've said before how bad my depression and anxiety (with emphasis on ALWAYS being bored and severe anhedonia) get without my pills (various, but specifically opioids, gabapentinoids and anxiety meds) even before any withdrawal - like, sober, but not yet withdrawing - and everyone told me it was just that I WAS actually beginning withdrawal.

But I was recently taken off of all the ones I'm addicted to (Codeine, Morphine, Gabapentin) for well over a week, by which time I was definitely over the acute withdrawal completely...but I still couldn't enjoy anything. Like movies, shows, books, games, socializing etc that I'd normally really enjoy...I just felt restless, bored and empty.
I thought about dying a lot...like, I wasn't at a point where I was making plans or considering killing myself, but I'd do things like fuck with my insulin (either take NONE of WAYYY too much) and similar reckless/dangerous things hoping I might go into a coma or die. Or stuff like...,my liver function isn't great (I was a really bad alcoholic for 7 years and I had Hep C for 18 months, plus I take A LOT of pills) so I'd deliberately take too much acetaminophen...not like a toxic amount but 2-4 times the correct amount, hoping over time my liver would fail.
I also get this off-and-on [usually a few hours on, a few hours off, repeat] moderate-grade anxiety where it wasn't severe to the point where I needed medical attention, but WAS severe enough that I couldn't function at all.

I got my meds back after 10 days - a 14 day supply. The 14 day supply lasted me 8 days (of total, normal, relaxed happiness), and during the 6 days without, I had zero withdrawal symptoms, but again, I just hoped to pass away from something and there was nothing in life I wanted.

Not sure what I'm asking...but I can't be the only person who is maybe genuinely better of using? Like, sobriety just isn't right for me, or I'm too weak to handle life without drugs or something?
 
I was this same way.

Especially with opioids.

So no, you're not alone. It was worse when I didn't have opioids or had to go through withdrawal. I would do stupid shit like down DXM cough syrup (at least 2 bottles) and then drink vodka straight ontop of it, until I found somebody to party with (usually meth) or I'd get lucky & my heroin dealer would finally come through.

Whenever I was on opioids, I'd have zero desire to use alcohol or DXM or meth or anything else besides cannabis really. Something about opioids just stabilizes my mood & impulses better. I'd go from being an alcoholic, meth using, DXM chugging freak one week, to a completely normal & gentle opioid-using person the next week.

This is also why I eventually got on maintenance (bupe). Because I knew after 10-11 years that I'd eventually lose my heroin connect & my pain pill connect. And I did.
So now all I have is shitty bupe. Which helps to a degree, but not as good as a full agonist opioid. I'd say if I didn't have subs to use, I'd probably still be drinking & doing whatever stupid shit I could.

And no matter how many times I got through the acute stages of heroin or pain pill withdrawal, I still never truly felt "normal" or functional & then I'd have to use substances that are worse for me in order to numb that. And then I'd eventually just go back to opioids anyway.


Sounds like you probably have severe depression/anxiety/whatever & just function better with the help of certain drugs. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with that. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Just sucks that it has to be that way. I envy people who can smile & laugh & enjoy life without needing opioids or substances. I even envy people who can drink & enjoy themselves, since alcohol is widely available & they'll never run of what makes them happy. I however have to either live with shitty bupe, risk fentanyl or pay tons of money just to feel good for a few days.
 
I’ve gotten and stayed clean after a 90 day stay at the county jail which I visited 24x in my 3 decades as the best heroin addict I could be and my mind didn’t clear until I was about 2 yrs clean,I could’ve went for my drivers license at the 6 month mark but choose not too because I still didn’t trust myself,two weeks after getting out of jail I found a studio apartment that I was able to afford (I’m a union guy)… I went to NA meeting 7 days a week for the first 3 yrs but the first 6 months if I shared anything in a meeting it included that I keep thinking about killing myself,,and I knew they didn’t want me talking about that in meeting and it seemed like the whole meeting was always telling me to get a sponsor and that’s what they are for,( they’d say it indirectly because that’s they way meetings are supposed to work) but it just seemed like they were screaming it with a bullhorn in my ear…

I said all that to say this,you said you are a week without the drugs,your mind is still fucked up from the drugs you were on and it’s impossible to see from were your at,but it took me a long time to start seeing things for what they really are and not what I imagine…

Too your last paragraph ,,I was totally clean from 1/29/09 till 2018 and in that time I got my life together apartment,new truck,vacations,$100k in the bank,780 credit score then I fucked up and used and although I still have and do all above I’m back to being a slave,my whole existence revolves around making sure I have the next one waiting there,,,in them 9 yrs that I was clean once my mind cleared I never thought even for a nano second that I wanted to kill myself…Life is fantastic dude,I know so cause I lived it….
 
MedicinalUser247 said:
What ? In that case go to the hospital.
Click to expand...

But what for? There's no emergency.

Plus, they never hospitalise. Once, I was IN hospital after a suicide attempt (a serious one, I cut both forearms lengthwise so deep you could see bone in places). They sitched me up and sedated me. I woke up and stole and took a whole bottle of Phenobarbital. When I came out of the coma, they asked if I was still suicidal, I told them point blank "Yes, I'm gonna try again as soon as I can". They still just sent me home that same day.
They don't give a fuuuuuck.
 
MedicinalUser247 said:
Well they should admit you if your feeling that way.
Click to expand...

They *should*, yeah, but they never do. Never for mental health stuff. Lack of beds/resources maybe? Like, my parents took me to hospital before once when I was acutely psychotic (I have Psychotic Depression). Like, I LOOKED insane (think Ellen Burstyn in the last act of Requiem for a Dream). I was hallucinating like spiders and worms all over me/the room and panicking trying to get them off of me and talking to people who weren't there and ranting about I don't even know what and they literally just sent me home. Didn't even bother giving me Haldol or Seroquel or anything.
 
Jen X said:
@ChemicallyEnhanced have you tried any hobbies ? I just started a part time job and it's helping quite a bit. Keeps your mind occupied and gets you around people
Click to expand...

The anxiety gets too bad. For some reason I get exhausted when anxious, too, rather than that nervous energy most people get. Just walking from room to room feels like too much. But I can;t function, like my heart rate is like 150 and I'm shaking and trying not to puke, have to keep going to the toilet etc.
 
My history is different, but I recognize your symptoms.
I also know that getting to the hospital with "just that" won't work. In your case, if they learn your medical history, they probably won't even give you a benzo.
Wish I could write something more helpful (writing this is taking some real effort right now).

Just want you to know that you're not alone!
And really what's already been said
mal3volent said:
hang in there man
Click to expand...
 
I actually thought your post was mine for a second when I was reading it, you sound just like me except for the insulin and liver stuff. I messed around with presses for 6 weeks straight a little over a year ago, i'm just now recovering. I couldn't even take a sip of alcohol without having a panic attack an hour later. You sound a lot like me so i'm guessing you don't go out much. I didn't get rid of the constant anxiety and tension till I started taking vitamin D everyday. It took a few weeks, but i'm no longer feeling on edge 24/7, now I feel boredom more than anything.

I've kicked methadone, suboxone, clonazolam, but my biggest addiction was dxm and 2f. Life after dissociatives is extremely dull. However, it might have been a strong desire to escape this boring sober state that triggered it, but lately i've had something pretty interesting happening. I've gained the ability to stay aware as I fall asleep, I watch my body fall asleep and then I willfully dive into the dream/"astral" world, i'm not gonna go into everything that happens right now as i'm about to go bed, but I can tell you that it's just as trippy as any khole i've experienced. Here's the best part, once you're "in" there, you can do anything you like. You can take whatever you want, and it will still hit with no consequences. You can live out your wildest fantasies and become your favorite fictional characters, the only limit is your imagination. So while life may be boring, you can still practice and prepare during the day for the experiences you can have at night time. I've had severe anhedonia for decades, i've had everything i've wanted at different times, and it never feels like anything. So believe me, I know what it's like.

I feel like if I had been taught these non chemical altered states when I was younger that my life would have turned out very differently. Nobody told me that meditation+sleep could lead to tripping absolute balls and I wish somebody had. It's the only thing that has excited me this past decade other than dissociatives, even relationships didn't do it for me, and neither did money or traveling for context.
 
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