No idea what to do

[Zephyn]

I am highly considering dealing with turning myself in but I would lose my place to live if I did that as I wouldn't be able to pay rent without working while in jail, and couldn't even afford to get bailed out right now which could mean I sit in jail for months.

In all my prior experience, misdemeanor warrants from other states do not show up on background checks, only convictions, I have no obligation to turn myself in to another state, and its not arrestable in my state. I hope this was not a fatal misunderstanding on my part.

 

[ControlDaddy]

There are two duis. The first one, was many years ago and I have a warrant for it. The other is pending and I have an attorney for it. Because the first one happened first, and i hadn't been convicted of a dui yet when the second happened, they can't upgrade the charge, so both are technically first offenses. I likely wouldn't get more than a few weeks in jail for either. What stops me from turning myself in, is there's a chance the one I'm currently in court for is dropped down from a dui, and I won't lose my license at all. Worst case scenario, if I don't go turn myself in, from the other one is id lose it for one year. If I turn myself in for the other, and I do get convicted of both, id lose it for 4 years which I can't even imagine getting by that long. There's a chance I could do the "right" thing, face both, and only lose it for a year, but its unlikely and I am probably not going to be able to drive for 4 years, which means if I do wind up.homeless I won't even have a vehicle to fall back on. Consequences suck man. I am just wondering if this warrant is going to show on all background checks now, and I just got lucky for a few years, or if I could get by with it on my record.

Let me sleep on this, and the post you just made below this one, and talk to you in the AM. One thing I know though, is that for some reason your mind is stuck in a “divergent” thinking mode, and so you are multiplying each problem by every possible outcome, again and again and spinning out your cognition. A healthy mind should be doing a bit of divergent thinking, but then shifting to convergent thinking to pare down the throughly process for single threaded thinking of the whole problem set. I don’t know if that is helpful or makes any sense, I’m very tired and honestly, reading all of your thoughts on this thread is too much for a healthy mind!

if that didn’t help, I guess I’m suggesting you reread everything you’ve written here and try to condense it down to a list of bullet points. Less than 11 bullet points!

 

[Zephyn]

Let me sleep on this, and the post you just made below this one, and talk to you in the AM. One thing I know though, is that for some reason your mind is stuck in a “divergent” thinking mode, and so you are multiplying each problem by every possible outcome, again and again and spinning out your cognition. A healthy mind should be doing a bit of divergent thinking, but then shifting to convergent thinking to pare down the throughly process for single threaded thinking of the whole problem set. I don’t know if that is helpful or makes any sense, I’m very tired and honestly, reading all of your thoughts on this thread is too much for a healthy mind!

if that didn’t help, I guess I’m suggesting you reread everything you’ve written here and try to condense it down to a list of bullet points. Less than 11 bullet points!

My mind is certainly not healthy. Neither is my lifestyle of finding the loophole in any system. I'm desperately trying to find a way to avoid the consequences. The only reason to turn myself in is if its going to prevent me from being employable. Not turning myself in is preferable in every way. If I do have to, I might try to get a license in another state that isn't as strict on out of state duis, so I don't have to lose my driving ability for 4 years. It wasn't showing up for years but now it is, on 2 separate background checks. I don't know if it always will from now on, or if I just got unlucky and these were more indepth background checks due to the position. Either way, if I do have to turn myself in, its going to he expensive and I don't have enough to do that yet. I do have an OCD diagnosis.

 

[ControlDaddy]

I almost always have to get to this when dealing with a drug addict (myself included) who has kind of lost the plot or laboring in denial. STOP LOOKING FOR SHORTCUTS. Drug abuse was a shortcut for you, and because of poor judgement or bad harm reduction or both, you are suffering far more already then what that shortcut saved you. Cut your losses, and stop doing things that way. This applies to what to do for each of these problem areas in your life.

Also, you are catastrophizing things left and right, which is paralyzing you. This is why getting a good CBT therapist, IMMEDIATELY, would be a good idea for you. I can’t believe I just said that, as I prefer DBT and don’t have much use for CBT, but in this case it is the perfect modality.

Fir instance, I lost my license for a year. I lived 28 miles outside of the city where my office was, on a small farm where a truck was a tool I used daily, and that time flew by and I barely remember the inconvenience of it. I adapted, you will to, and you won’t be homeless because of it, that makes no sense at all.

I’m going to see if one of my career criminal comrades can explain the jailhouse lawyer approach I am not conveying very well. It’s common practice, for them, when they know the system has them beat. It involves immediate sentencing at your arraignment, I think, and avoids the months of jail time you are thinking you will be waiting out if you were going to have a full set of hearings an da trial.

 

[ControlDaddy]

I almost always have to get to this when dealing with a drug addict (myself included) who has kind of lost the plot or laboring in denial. STOP LOOKING FOR SHORTCUTS. Drug abuse was a shortcut for you, and because of poor judgement or bad harm reduction or both, you are suffering far more already then what that shortcut saved you. Cut your losses, and stop doing things that way. This applies to what to do for each of these problem areas in your life.

Also, you are catastrophizing things left and right, which is paralyzing you. This is why getting a good CBT therapist, IMMEDIATELY, would be a good idea for you. I can’t believe I just said that, as I prefer DBT and don’t have much use for CBT, but in this case it is the perfect modality.

Fir instance, I lost my license for a year. I lived 28 miles outside of the city where my office was, on a small farm where a truck was a tool I used daily, and that time flew by and I barely remember the inconvenience of it. I adapted, you will to, and you won’t be homeless because of it, that makes no sense at all.

I’m going to see if one of my career criminal comrades can explain the jailhouse lawyer approach I am not conveying very well. It’s common practice, for them, when they know the system has them beat. It involves immediate sentencing at your arraignment, I think, and avoids the months of jail time you are thinking you will be waiting out if you were going to have a full set of hearings an da trial.

Sorry for my tone, I’m methampEd to the gills and need to take my kill shot and rest. I’ll be back soon chipper and optimistic as always.

 

[Zephyn]

I almost always have to get to this when dealing with a drug addict (myself included) who has kind of lost the plot or laboring in denial. STOP LOOKING FOR SHORTCUTS. Drug abuse was a shortcut for you, and because of poor judgement or bad harm reduction or both, you are suffering far more already then what that shortcut saved you. Cut your losses, and stop doing things that way. This applies to what to do for each of these problem areas in your life.

Also, you are catastrophizing things left and right, which is paralyzing you. This is why getting a good CBT therapist, IMMEDIATELY, would be a good idea for you. I can’t believe I just said that, as I prefer DBT and don’t have much use for CBT, but in this case it is the perfect modality.

Fir instance, I lost my license for a year. I lived 28 miles outside of the city, on a small farm where a truck was a tool I used daily, and that time flew by and I barely remember the inconvenience of it. I adapted, you will to, and you won’t be homeless because of it, that makes no sense at all.

I’m going to see if one of my career criminal comrades can explain the jailhouse lawyer approach I am not conveying very well. It’s common practice, for them, when they know the system has them beat. It involves immediate sentencing at your arraignment, I think, and avoids the months of jail time you are thinking you will be waiting out if you were going to have a full set of hearings an da trial.

I'm basically a career criminal who hasn't been beat by the system yet, and wasn't cut out for higher crime or even willing to try due to the stress of the risk involved. I'm more worried about my mental health leading to homelessness, but these extra handicaps definitely add to the challenge.

Just now realizing my actions have consequences. At 28. Wish I knew this at 15. Further points to some mental illness.

 

[Zephyn]

I lived my life saving up for some period of time then going to live in undeveloped nations for cheap with no plans for afterwards, for extended periods of time. The excitement of the lifestyle has made normal life unable to kick my dopamine. But ill adjust hopefully. I just need to learn how to think more long term, not the instant gratification im used to. The idea that ill never be able to do that again really sucks, there's a slight chance of it if I land a good remote gig that is stable and doesn't care where I am, might be my only chance at happiness, and I wish I had enjoyed more the time I spent, instead of just doing drugs.

 

[ControlDaddy]

I'm basically a career criminal who hasn't been beat by the system yet, and wasn't cut out for higher crime or even willing to try due to the stress of the risk involved. I'm more worried about my mental health leading to homelessness, but these extra handicaps definitely add to the challenge.

Just now realizing my actions have consequences. At 28. Wish I knew this at 15. Further points to some mental illness.

Really, it does not. I’m 43, but if you know my story you know I’ve lived several typical lifetimes in that time. At fifteen, despite all of your gifts, you were still a child with a developing brain, and you thrust yourself into a world full of adult themes. You did well for awhile, had some accomplishments to be proud of and some experiences you value, but you racked up some bills now long overdue and compounded by add on penalties. In that time, perhaps you missed some of the normal development you were supposed to do, but that just means you need to do that growing up now. I am sorry, I know that is very patronizing, but I can’t think of the tactful way to say it. My point t js, you are catastrophiszing about your mental state. I agree it’s bad, but you ar easy I g it is permanent or that you are a hopeless case. Your intelligence and brilliance are still quite functional, they are just at odds with your best intentions, and you need therapy, honesty, radical acceptance, and patience to work through this. Your story doesn’t indicate mental illness at any points, even the depression you are in appears to be situational. I would feel like I was drowning too. Your story indicates a bunch of denial and bad judgement abint taking shortcuts, that is just immaturity, something everyone grows out of. It indicates the opposite of mental illness, if anything.

And buddy I think it was only a week ago that I was talking to you and thinking you’re an excellent instance of a dev ops professional, and I’m not an easy person to impress in that field (because I think I’m a DevOps god hehe). Dev ops engineers are the number one searched for position by hiring managers on LinkedIn and it’s been that way for five years and not changing that I can see. I don’t think there’s anyway that you’re going to end up totally unemployable. As long as Covid is going on, every open position on the planet is a real possibility, and it would be pretty easy to find some way to make money through proxy work, if necessary. If nothing else, you also have a knack for entrepreneurship, where you can hav e 16 felonies and no one will beef.

 

[Zephyn]

Another big problem is finding a sustainable place to live with a drug addiction, even with only occasional use can be difficult. So is holding a job.

 

[Zephyn]

Really, it does not. I’m 43, but if you know my story you know I’ve lived several typical lifetimes in that time. At fifteen, despite all of your gifts, you were still a child with a developing brain, and you thrust yourself into a world full of adult themes. You did well for awhile, had some accomplishments to be proud of and some experiences you value, but you racked up some bills now long overdue and compounded by add on penalties. In that time, perhaps you missed some of the normal development you were supposed to do, but that just means you need to do that growing up now. I am sorry, I know that is very patronizing, but I can’t think of the tactful way to say it. My point t js, you are catastrophiszing about your mental state. I agree it’s bad, but you ar easy I g it is permanent or that you are a hopeless case. Your intelligence and brilliance are still quite functional, they are just at odds with your best intentions, and you need therapy, honesty, radical acceptance, and patience to work through this. Your story doesn’t indicate mental illness at any points, even the depression you are in appears to be situational. I would feel like I was drowning too. Your story indicates a bunch of denial and bad judgement abint taking shortcuts, that is just immaturity, something everyone grows out of. It indicates the opposite of mental illness, if anything.

And buddy I think it was only a week ago that I was talking to you and thinking you’re an excellent instance of a dev ops professional, and I’m not an easy person to impress in that field (because I think I’m a DevOps god hehe). Dev ops engineers are the number one searched for position by hiring managers on LinkedIn and it’s been that way for five years and not changing that I can see. I don’t think there’s anyway that you’re going to end up totally unemployable. As long as Covid is going on, every open position on the planet is a real possibility, and it would be pretty easy to find some way to make money through proxy work, if necessary. If nothing else, you also have a knack for entrepreneurship, where you can hav e 16 felonies and no one will beef.

You are right, all around. Nothing to even say, im speechless. This is going to be a difficult time, a dark night of the soul, probably long overdue. The panic of hoping nothing else happens and makes it worse is subsiding a bit, I hope, I think. I don't think I could handle any more trauma, I just hope my past is behind me, and I hope I have no serious enemies either, sometimes thats unclear, but I try not to be paranoid. I've never made money as an entrepreneur but have done quite a lot of research. Frankly, its my dream, and the only other way I could see of attaining long term happiness.

Yeah if covid was permenant I wouldn't worry nearly as much, but being in a city with literally 0 local devops positions at any time or really any for that matter within 2 hours, makes me feel really unsecure here, I mean remote work was available but not this readily, even though I had mostly been working remote, many positions wanted me to relocate, and I don't have the money for that right now. Plus, I moved here to be closer to my unsupportive family for some reason because I feel so isolated, but maybe there wasn't much of a point of that.

Even if I were to face the fears and move away again (for the 1000th time relocating to a brand new city), I don't even know where I've moved around so much. There are places that I'd prefer and might be better for devops work, but, say, Portland doesn't have as much work as San Francisco or NY or Denver, and the first 3 are unsustainable prices, i used to pay 3500 in San Francisco for a 2 bedroom.

Hey, you should open a harm reduction camp where you teach tweaker to use responsibly, like an inpatient rehab.

 

[ControlDaddy]

@Zephyn if you have ever enjoyed reading, now would be a good time to pick up a work of fiction and lose yourself in it. Since you are doubting your mental acuity, you might want to pick a favorite book you read as a teen. This is what I did when I thought I had done permanent damage to my Overthinker with umpteen severe ICU level alcohol poisonings. Getting out of your head right now would be ideal, it’s become a very dangerous neighborhood, and good old-fashioned escapism is a great way to make that happen. Also, before you finish the book, I think you will have more confidence that your grey matter is at worst, regenerating it’s former glory, if you find any diminished capacity at that point I would be surprised.

 

[Zephyn]

Working remotely is half the reason I got into hard drugs, I had no accountability and could sit and smoke meth while working

 

[Zephyn]

@Zephyn if you have ever enjoyed reading, now would be a good time to pick up a work of fiction and lose yourself in it. Since you are doubting your mental acuity, you might want to pick a favorite book you read as a teen. This is what I did when I thought I had done permanent damage to my Overthinker with umpteen severe ICU level alcohol poisonings. Getting out of your head right now would be ideal, it’s become a very dangerous neighborhood, and good old-fashioned escapism is a great way to make that happen. Also, before you finish the book, I think you will have more confidence that your grey matter is at worst, regenerating it’s former glory, if you find any diminished capacity at that point I would be surprised.

That is a great idea. I wanted to pick up something from Heinlein. I also need to read about c++ more, finding motivation is hard without drugs these days, and it didn't used to be. Its been a long time since I used any stimulants. Maybe 3 months. And its still not coming back

 

[ControlDaddy]

Working remotely is half the reason I got into hard drugs, I had no accountability and could sit and smoke meth while working

Actually, you COULDNT, but meths illusion of control denied that fact to you.

I certainly couldn’t, and realized that the first time I tried to do my usual: procrastinate putting down a single line of code until the night before a crucial deadline. Instead, I write really nifty tools for consuming pornography, proving my coding abilities had found new heights. I was so certain that my meth powered brain would make my normal heroic effort a cinch. Man was that a shocking reality check. When it cane down to the fundamentals, the tedious details, the creative brilliance or a natural coding elegance, that was now an old dream and nothing more. It came back if course, when I took a few weeks off of meth.

 

[Zephyn]

Its hard for me to believe i don't have a mental illness when I've had doctors forcing me onto meds in institutions repetitively for like 3 years. For some reason I kept taking them a couple times. That was when my downfall started it seemed. Like they permenantly changed my brain chemistry.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Its hard for me to believe i don't have a mental illness when I've had doctors forcing me onto meds in institutions repetitively for like 3 years. For some reason I kept taking them a couple times. That was when my downfall started it seemed. Like they permenantly changed my brain chemistry.

Bah, I doubt it. They did the same stuff to me and I indulged or endorsed all manner of misdiagnosis and malpractices.

I think this whole notion of mental illness is another shortcut you hope will get you around the difficult obstacles you now must surmount.

I don’t think the presence or absence of any medication, illicit drug, or research chemical will make any difference outside it’s period of action.

You do need mental health therapy, so that your many defense mechanisms and some pathological thought processes can be alleviated and put into remission.

It’s really easy to get an online therapist started, if you really want to you don’t even need 24 hours to get your first session in. You might even ask for an intensive pace, there are times I have had daily therapy with my therapist. If you want the 4K you have in the bank to provide you the most value for the longest period of time, don’t be a miser about spending it on therapy right now.

 

[Zephyn]

Bah, I doubt it. They did the same stuff to me and I indulged or endorsed all manner of misdiagnosis and malpractices.

I think this whole notion of mental illness is another shortcut you hope will get you around the difficult obstacles you now must surmount.

I don’t think the presence or absence of any medication, illicit drug, or research chemical will make any difference outside it’s period of action.

You do need mental health therapy, so that your many defense mechanisms and some pathological thought processes can be alleviated and put into remission.

It’s really easy to get an online therapist started, if you really want to you don’t even need 24 hours to get your first session in. You might even ask for an intensive pace, there are times I have had daily therapy with my therapist. If you want the 4K you have in the bank to provide you the most value for the longest period of time, don’t be a miser about spending it on therapy right now.

Drugs obviously won't make the problem go away. But can they take away my excessive worrying and panic? Can I use prescribed doses of amphetamines responsibly? If I somehow managed that, would they make my depression worse long term? Could my mental illness be adhd? Would benzos help long term or do they eventually reach a ceiling with tolerance? How exactly can a therapist rewire a brain that developed all wrong? I don't know if they can. Psychdedelics might be my only hope, but I don't feel anywhere near safe enough to experiment with them now, and haven't for a few years.

I'll look into the therapy, the idea of talking to professionals to work through my problems seems so ingenuine to an authentic human connection, but my issues are too heavy for most people.

 

[ControlDaddy]

It is an open mind, neuroplasticity, mixed with will and heart, but mostly courage to tell the whole truth, that makes psychotherapy more powerful, reliable, and accessible than any compound you try to use to avoid using your portion of the words in purple ink.

 

[Zephyn]

It is an open mind, neuroplasticity, mixed with will and heart, but mostly courage to tell the whole truth, that makes psychotherapy more powerful, reliable, and accessible than any compound you try to use to avoid using your portion of the words in purple ink.

But I'm saying I feel physically unable to get up and cook, and when I do I can't eat, I cannot focus on anything, I have no drive to even go on a walk, or seek out sex, or talk to people. I can't even bother to throw away trash, I procrastinate even simple tasks. This can't just be bad habits because I wasn't always like this. I won't even drink water when there is a bottle right there until my eyes are dry and burning, sometimes, other days I hydrate well. I have no energy to even go grocery shopping until its too late.

 

[ControlDaddy]

It is an open mind, neuroplasticity, mixed with will and heart, but mostly courage to tell the whole truth, that makes psychotherapy more powerful, reliable, and accessible than any compound you try to use to avoid using your portion of the words in purple ink.

I promise you this too. The experience of instantiating and then going through this therapy, will make you a believer at last in the idea of self-help. Later, when this is a distant, no longer painful memory, you will be able to use that self-help notion to enhance your life, provide you with energy and power, and manifest your desires and dreams. The same thing you used to turn to drugs for, that stuff is all in your brain. A few micrograms of compound doesn't contain all the power of a psychedelic experience, it just is a shortcut to unlocking that powerful part of your consciousness. You may think I am lying to you, or speaking a fantasy, but give faith in the idea a try, what do you stand to lose for doing so?