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Ofc i was gonna relapse, fk this shit is taking a toll on my mental health. Please help guys :(

nznity

nznity

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
7,897
Ok so i was clean for 5-6 days( dunno if the first 24 hrs count really) ok. So i got some money leftover since i wasnt scoring all day and my fucking junkie self fked up my mind. Ik im the only culprit but guys really this is so fking hard, ive done this countless of times but everytime it gets worse and worse. Btw i've done a quick taper for 3 days... went from 100mg to 60 then 40 and yesterday 30 mg. I just took 4 mg clonazepam, 600mg pentin and 20mg loperamide(my trifecta for getting clean) and so far its working but man. I hope this time i make it, i can't keep this cycle anymore. Havent had a job in a year and a fking half, been dealing drugs to maintain myself but thatis no fking life. I just wanna be set free once and for all :( Any words of engouragement? please. ty in advance. NZN
 
forgot to say as dope is fullforce controlling my brain, im not getting any younger i'm 25 and im so sick of this lifestyle. it's just pure agony and misery, ive lost a wonderful girl, my family hates me, my relationship with my family is damaged. They almost think im forreal insane but they don't know its the fking drugs that wont let me suceed in life. Sigh, since my first oxy at 17 in 2012 i was mad in love with opiates but now they don't even get me where i want to be. The honeymoon phase is long gone...so why carry on using? this shit takes a grip on ur mind so hard, it's no easy but i have hope....anyone wanna help this brother? please...
 
madness00 said:
Like you said, the honeymoon phase is long gone. Keep the good memories before you start to stack up more bad memories.

Everything that drugs took from you is repairable, but not if you keep using.
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true man, nowadays when i get high it's just 12 hrs of relative euphoria. then 12 hrs that it holds me, lets me sleep. then next day arrives and the cycle repeats....FUCK THAT.
 
Getting out of the grips of a hard drug addiction can be about cycles of despair, of things getting worse until you are so sick of it that you can't take it anymore. I was addicted to opiates from age 14 to 24 (3 of which I was using heroin) and meth for a year. It took 3 rehabs and a lot of depression, anxiety, fear, discipline and courage to overcome it. At 25 it's far from over and you can still do a lot with your life. I hate to glibly spout recovery slogans, but one that stuck with me is that "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Developing healthy coping mechanisms, honoring you word, getting away from those things that pull you down into the gutter are all key. Best of luck to you, I believe in you. You haven't lost until you stop trying.
 
BK38 said:
Getting out of the grips of a hard drug addiction can be about cycles of despair, of things getting worse until you are so sick of it that you can't take it anymore. I was addicted to opiates from age 14 to 24 (3 of which I was using heroin) and meth for a year. It took 3 rehabs and a lot of depression, anxiety, fear, discipline and courage to overcome it. At 25 it's far from over and you can still do a lot with your life. I hate to glibly spout recovery slogans, but one that stuck with me is that "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Developing healthy coping mechanisms, honoring you word, getting away from those things that pull you down into the gutter are all key. Best of luck to you, I believe in you. You haven't lost until you stop trying.
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Ty man, yeah the only thing i haven't lost Is hope.so yeah Bro, I'm gonna keep trying :D
 
nznity said:
Ty Andy, i Know relapses are part of the process but not 9999 relapses. That's just being retarded man uu.
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I'm in a similar position to you. I'm 27 and have relapsed literally countless times. When I hear that relapse is part of the process, I don't think that my number of relapses discounts the expression from applying to me. The way I've always interpreted it is that relapse is part of your process, as long as you get sober at the end of it. If you finally manage to kick the drugs, no matter how long it took you to do it, then all of those relapses will have just been part of your journey of getting clean. As long as you make it a part of your past and out of your present, then no matter how many times you've relapsed, they all would have been part of the process that made up your journey towards eventually getting clean.

When you said 100 to 60 etc. you didn't specify the substance but I'm assuming you meant methadone? If so, that's a really rapid taper and the withdrawals will probably be really unpleasant. I've always found subutex lent itself better to a rapid taper, but if that's unavailable to you for some reason then I'd suggest at least trying to taper the methadone down a little lower before jumping off. Obviously, if you're already into the methadone withdrawal and you're handling it then don't go back on it, but it's just something to consider if the WD gets to be too much. Your comfort med selection seems solid - do you have plenty of the gabapentin and klonopins to last for your WD? Benzos and gabapentin make quitting SO much easier imo, it's like a magic combination. Your dose of gabapentin is really low though - 600mg is just like 2 pills right? When I'm going through WD I eat gabapentin like M&Ms - there's very little risk of overdose, and if you take enough and stagger the doses (this part is crucial) then I get a real high from it that's really effective at masking withdrawal. I doubt a couple of pills would do a lot for me?
 
Rio Fantastic said:
I'm in a similar position to you. I'm 27 and have relapsed literally countless times. When I hear that relapse is part of the process, I don't think that my number of relapses discounts the expression from applying to me. The way I've always interpreted it is that relapse is part of your process, as long as you get sober at the end of it. If you finally manage to kick the drugs, no matter how long it took you to do it, then all of those relapses will have just been part of your journey of getting clean. As long as you make it a part of your past and out of your present, then no matter how many times you've relapsed, they all would have been part of the process that made up your journey towards eventually getting clean.

When you said 100 to 60 etc. you didn't specify the substance but I'm assuming you meant methadone? If so, that's a really rapid taper and the withdrawals will probably be really unpleasant. I've always found subutex lent itself better to a rapid taper, but if that's unavailable to you for some reason then I'd suggest at least trying to taper the methadone down a little lower before jumping off. Obviously, if you're already into the methadone withdrawal and you're handling it then don't go back on it, but it's just something to consider if the WD gets to be too much. Your comfort med selection seems solid - do you have plenty of the gabapentin and klonopins to last for your WD? Benzos and gabapentin make quitting SO much easier imo, it's like a magic combination. Your dose of gabapentin is really low though - 600mg is just like 2 pills right? When I'm going through WD I eat gabapentin like M&Ms - there's very little risk of overdose, and if you take enough and stagger the doses (this part is crucial) then I get a real high from it that's really effective at masking withdrawal. I doubt a couple of pills would do a lot for me?
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Pure Morphine ampoules from the ministry of health from my country,lucky bastard huh
 
Rio Fantastic said:
I'm in a similar position to you. I'm 27 and have relapsed literally countless times. When I hear that relapse is part of the process, I don't think that my number of relapses discounts the expression from applying to me. The way I've always interpreted it is that relapse is part of your process, as long as you get sober at the end of it. If you finally manage to kick the drugs, no matter how long it took you to do it, then all of those relapses will have just been part of your journey of getting clean. As long as you make it a part of your past and out of your present, then no matter how many times you've relapsed, they all would have been part of the process that made up your journey towards eventually getting clean.

When you said 100 to 60 etc. you didn't specify the substance but I'm assuming you meant methadone? If so, that's a really rapid taper and the withdrawals will probably be really unpleasant. I've always found subutex lent itself better to a rapid taper, but if that's unavailable to you for some reason then I'd suggest at least trying to taper the methadone down a little lower before jumping off. Obviously, if you're already into the methadone withdrawal and you're handling it then don't go back on it, but it's just something to consider if the WD gets to be too much. Your comfort med selection seems solid - do you have plenty of the gabapentin and klonopins to last for your WD? Benzos and gabapentin make quitting SO much easier imo, it's like a magic combination. Your dose of gabapentin is really low though - 600mg is just like 2 pills right? When I'm going through WD I eat gabapentin like M&Ms - there's very little risk of overdose, and if you take enough and stagger the doses (this part is crucial) then I get a real high from it that's really effective at masking withdrawal. I doubt a couple of pills would do a lot for me?
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Well i get benzos pentin AND lope otc in my country (Perú) they are super cheap so yeah i got plenty for the rest of the wds. AND no my dose of pentin when I'm at day 3-5 Is around 1200-1500 going over that makes me Dízzy. Cheers.
 
Yeah I'll check in here and put my hand up as someone who has relapsed countless times also, been trying to get and stay clean for maybe eight years or so now. I've had periods of success and periods of failure. There have been times when I went to bed each night hoping not to wake up in the morning and there have been periods where I have been very happy and motivated. I have made some good decisions and I have made some bad decisions. That stuff is my truth and gaining acceptance around who I am an what I have done and learning to be ok with that has been massively helpful.

I've been relapsing a lot over the last few months but I'm doing many things better than I used to like eating healthy, communicating with people, socialising, keeping fit etc. I had a long period of relatively clean time and I started to learn how to engage in self-care and become more self-aware and this has lessened the impact of that relapse to some degree. I dont hate myself anymore and rebounding from relapse and seeing a positive pathway is so much easier now.

I guess what I'm trying to communicate is that it doesnt matter how many times you have relapsed, your journey is yours not anyone else's. When I was in that dark place where I just hated myself and couldn't see a way out, and it seems you're feeling a bit like that now. Try to identify the small wins that you can achieve easily that will make you feel good about yourself and provide a foundation and structure that will make it easier to move towards where you want to be. Dont underestimate the value of doing a couple of really small self-care tasks each day....tidy the house, do some laundry, eat healthy, go to the gym, actively communicate with friends etc etc. That stuff makes a MASSIVE difference for me and although things are not perfect now the overall picture is so much better than it used to be, I feel like I'm making progress.
 
Count your #1 blessing that you are still alive. So many people have died of this dependency.

Every day is a chance to improve on your mind, your soul, and your patterns. Work on doing new things.

Make every day unique and don't get into repetitive cycles that can pattern-wise resemble drug addiction.

Make friends and love yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can do this <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Count your #1 blessing that you are still alive. So many people have died of this dependency.

Every day is a chance to improve on your mind, your soul, and your patterns. Work on doing new things.

Make every day unique and don't get into repetitive cycles that can pattern-wise resemble drug addiction.

Make friends and love yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can do this <3
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Was wondering when u were going to show up. Thx CAP :D
 
nznity said:
@Painful One @Xorkoth uu SOS guys.
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Shit Bro!
sorry. I just saw your thread.
I have not read through it all yet.
I am without my MS Contin right now and have been for almost 8 days now.
I had A very bad month and ran out way early.

I have been using a little kratom and a little loperamide and things have not been too bad.
Things have not been very good either.

Withdrawal absolutely is hell!

You seem to be pretty far into the “lifestyle” of using drugs.
I am thinking that maybe you should give suboxone or subtext a try.
I was originally against that but you are using way high doses and you are into the “lifestyle”.

Subutex might give you a chance to regain your life without having to worry about withdrawal.
Then you could go about making very, very small cuts over a few years time.

It is impossible to just cold turkey along with cleaning up your entire lifestyle, fighting off cravings, repairing relationships,
finding a good job and maintaining that.

That May be a good route of action for you to take.

(Let me see what everyone is recommending)

Hang in there!
When there is a will, there is a way.

PS: I have a question for you.
If you were being prescribed MS Contin (a long lasting morphine pill) would you be able to stick to a daily schedule?
Would you be able to not abuse that prescription by shooting up etc?
Would you be able to work and interact with others if you were prescribed 75-90 mg morphine a day?
 
Rio Fantastic said:
That's really interesting. Would you mind elaborating on that a little more?
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Sherlock I was doing things that were not drugs compulsively not even things like food or sex but imagine going out to do fun things I would compulsively you keep doing the same fun thing such as going bowling or going to the movies so like I have to keep it somewhere to the point where every day I'll try new things or I'll have a new pattern going.

There is a Obsession compulsion cycle to a lot of things

And like let's say you cannot break that cycle with a drug which is natural because there's certain drugs I could not like if I were to go back on them I will go right back into that cycle and would not be able to stop myself
So instead what I would do is find something different I could control and then be less obsessive compulsive about it and more Brave to switch up patterns and try new things and do things against the grain of how I feel instinctually I need to do them

There's probably a good reason why we have these Cycles like maybe if you feel safe doing something when you know you'll be safe doing yet and then otherwise you're still alive and healthy whereas I have been going out more and being more Brave and that can expose you to things that you otherwise wouldn't be so I want everybody to be safe but I still think that everybody should live their lives to their fullest

If you have good friends to watch over you then try new things if you're on your own you can be a little bit more safe just for the sole reason of the world can be dangerous for an individual even in nice parts of the world but like it still like a good idea to try new things

The same thing goes for relationships if you do something new or something really fun then it keeps you interested but if the same monotonous cycle happens you lose the joy that it once held

Relationship experts say as long as you go on a date once a week to once a month it should keep it fresh enough to where both parties are still interested in each other but I'm not sure how much that has helped me other than the fact that I otherwise don't think I could be this many years off of shit like heroin or bupe
 
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