Hello Painful One, I seriously was getting too sick to realize that heroin will help. I'm not even kidding. By the end of it - I mean - withdrawal was sort of a joke for the first several years of abuse. I definitely had withdrawal, but it wasn't torture. It was not like being burnt alive for 2 weeks and then left physically and mentally decimated only to do it again until the 5th year or so. I could dress myself, I wasn't suicidal. It meant laying in bed burnt out physically ill and watching movies for a week and then relapsing after that week wasting my time, for example, about a year and half into my habit. Now, I don't know what it means. It has been 13 weeks and I still don't feel right. At all.
Glad you thought that was funny though. I see your sense of humour as well. I missed my valium appointment and went the following day at the same time. They offered to leave a memo next time. I got my valium, but I really needed it the day before and was stressing hard. It was waiting at the pharmacy apparently. I was well prepared in advance, well dressed and all trying to look presentable and then just a no show. My GP hates that cause I've done it before I almost got booted but like one out of 3 doctors I have ever known who I sense don't feel like they are at work in a way.
I think I got hooked on espresso faster than I got hooked on anything. Weed and espresso do you do this! Or tea of course, but I was never into coffee very much. I like London fogs, those frothy earl grey treats. Feeling so stupid and unable to concentrate, stimulants become attractive (coke, meth). I did this the year before last year and it was a horrible decision and I binged on coke throughout September this year. The crashes led to relapses. I drink my first espresso and it's like... this is the other half of weed? Weed and espressos and London fogs but espressos are sooooo nice since I can have one quick and enjoy it real well, but then have a low caffeine drink like a London fog or just an earl grey tea or a white or green tea. Espressos though... where have you been all my life, that stuff is rocket fuel.
Also I am having a strong desire to go back to the drugs all of a sudden. It is because nothing is improving and it seems that if anything things have gotten worse. I am more depressed than ever. I don't know why I feel that way. I fall apart without a lot of bong rips and I can't afford them or the benzos right now I feel stuck so that is part of it, I really depend on weed and it's good where I live because of that.
I often feel severely depressed after intense exercise now too. It's so weird, because of that runner's high or whatever. Exercise and the detoxifying kind that is making me more nimble, stronger and flexible is helping my energy. But it is a long term effect - right after a really intense workout I really can't figure out why. I don't mean with weights or a gym I'd never touch one of those it would cripple me.
I think that I do get endorphins, but maybe I just don't have enough of them yet, or like perhaps it is a tease to my pain system for the time being. Like 1% of a high that I was used to, hitting the same receptors just internally from exercise. It could also be the standard loneliness and being in that environment too. I really think it is that. Generally my pain / endorphins / dopamine / hormones / sleep schedule / entire brain is messed up though.
I had a nap, that helped but by the time I woke up and rebooted it is entering the evening now. I didn't mean to have a nap, smoked three bong tokes which I definitely should not have done because I'm going to run out again but I needed rest I had 4 hours before training (I am angry at myself, because I did this out of anger though I wasn't tired... but it did calm me down I guess). I find that post-exercise in general I have way more energy. It is essential to exercise even a 20min brisk walk will have your meds working better, and for me, it will have from one study approximately 15% extra THC intake but probably a lot more.
It's usually the sickness that keeps people away I hear. Maybe I should try and remember how that felt since I'm not thinking about that part as the feeling. Thank you for the message it has been a lonely, unproductive day. I took care of my body though. I am on a mission for daily yoga, it has been 4 days straight now. Or 4 out of 5. I need to give myself a break, it's like I forgot how busy I was this week. I was laying in bed all day like half this year too depressed to watch movies or read and now I'm really not. The sadness I feel now is real, and it happens at this time of year. It is not exacerbated by the opiates. Those, above all else, fried my brain. Anhedonia. My body is pretty much the same as it ever was, I'm really fit now too. Well I should be after 3 months of hard work and even doing that in withdrawal - that is something I am proud of and only I will ever know how hard that actually was to keep up with.
The only thing I'm really proud about this year is that I got really fit. I'd say I am way better looking than before my injury, like the weight I'm supposed to be and more balanced since everything I do is full body. And the extra energy, I really seem to fly around sometimes now if I'm in the zone and not distracted by pain. I figured if I worked really that hard for an hour at least every day, then my body would get used to it and I'd start being able to get out of bed more often. This is totally happening too.
Also, it isn't physical exhaustion after the workouts anymore. My body has adapted to deal with the high intensity heat, nonstop sweating, working my butt off and then chilling out. I was an exercise fanatic before my injury, so I knew what to do. Wasn't anything new apart from really watching my core engagement and being a lot weaker and out of breath. At first, I'd be beyond exhausted. The next day I like, wouldn't even move, but now I have more physical energy afterwards so long as I fuel my workouts. The thing I am finding now, is that I get depressed after working out for a little bit before feeling normal again. It has to be something to do with my pain system repairing itself and I definitely don't think it is a bad thing. Intuitively, it's actually probably really helping me feel okay without snorting anything that could kill me any time.
13 weeks this weekend, maybe someone else could help me realize that is a good thing and not a bad thing? I'm starting to feel like I'm going to relapse and then at the end of the year I would think hey, I have a whole year under my belt. And the way it changes the brain never goes away. My massive H tolerance would be back to normal in a matter of days, but the first hit would take a tiny little pinch. It was such an overdose risk doing this even with percocets and I think that would be pretty much asking for something bad to happen. I think that even a single perc right now would be more than enough for that energy and pain relief but then how am I supposed to not want it again after?
Even if I am broke and I'm still suffering a lot especially the loneliness really hurts now. Springtime is the time of year I have always found romantic and it's just like now another summer alone with my one buddy in town to leave town and venture into the forest with and my brother. Every year, I am most lonely of all at this time of year and I think it is because I am experiencing day by day the potential for love being discarded yet again and then people start coming out the snow has melted couples are everywhere and it makes me feel like what the fuck is wrong with me.
I'm just so lost that I don't know if I'm doing good. I hear people make it 3, 6, 9 months and they still don't mentally feel well and relapse. I have to hang in there because if I don't use any longer then like spring began recently. I may have a tough spring but I think once summer hits and I can go to the beach and the hiking trails and get a tan, and it's just so wonderful in the summer that if I can make it to summertime then I wouldn't be tempted. But I need to make changes because if I am lonely during the summer, that is the worst time to be lonely. Most everyone hates the winters here so it's not like I've really missed out on all that much other than ever accumulating wasted time.
