The Never-ending Cycle

[ATLL765]

This year has been a really, really tough one for me. In June of 2016 my girlfriend died after a previously unknown aneurysm ruptured. She was 19 at the time and while we had only been together for 7 months, she was the first woman I had been sure I was truly in love with. I did not cope with this loss very well and as usual, I turned to drugs to escape my problems. Long story short, I end up violating probation and sentenced to 364 days in county jail.

About two weeks after I was sentenced, I was called to meet with the woman who works in social services at the jail. She tells me that I need to call my Mother. I found this very odd, but after seeing the look on her face, I immediately knew what was happening. My Mother had recently seen her doctor and had been informed she had weeks to live. I don't think I could've felt more hate for myself than I did at that moment. Here I am, when my family needs me most, stuck in jail where I can't do anything at all to help.

There was no way I'd allow myself to not be with my Mother during her last days. So I spoke to my lawyer and an emergent motion for reconsideration of my sentence was filed. A few days later I was in front of a judge and I was resentenced to probation with the stipulation that once my Mother passed and I had attended the funeral, I would return to court to be resentenced to the 364 and finish my time.

This is exactly what occurred. I did not use, as I promised myself that despite all the terrible things I had done in my life, I would manage to not act like the disgusting person that I truly am the remaining time I had left with my Mother. She deserved that much respect at least. The day I was released was the last time my Mother would have the strength to speak coherently. As my sister wouldn't allow me to stay at the house, I spent the days with my Mother and nights getting so drunk I could convincingly act like none of this phased me.

In a bizarre series of events I return to court as agreed, instead of a 364 I get an 18 month prison sentence, only to later have out amended an finish my time in county as should have been.

So here I am, finally home. In probably the best financial position I've ever been in and I don't know what to do with myself. I've moved into a really nice luxury apartment, and I've been trying to distract myself by buying all kinds of things, taking girls out on fancy dates. None of this works. I get dumped, sort of, by girl A, I have girl B telling girl A she's going to stab her to death. I have girl B's boyfriend trying to message me all day talking so out of hand that I'm nearly willing to go right back to jail just so I can beat him so badly that he'll be eating through a straw for months. And then I have girl C constantly messaging girl B terrible things about her and her family. It really couldn't have worked out any worse for someone who didn't lie to any of them about anything and never was with two of them simultaneously.

I'm just a truly disgusting person. I've spent nearly $15,000 in the less than two months I've been home and I have very little to show for it. There's something so wrong with me and I don't know how to change things.

To make it all worse, I've been getting high for a week and now I'm want for even $50 just to get through tomorrow as I can't withdraw for my one account as the bank is closed until Monday.

Why do I always self destruct whenever I have even the smallest chance of doing better with my life?

 

[ATLL765]

Not sure if anyone else has had this problem, but I've tried to post this about 5 times as whenever I've tried to edit when I noticed s spelling or grammatical error, the post disappears and I'm forced to repost it as a new thread again.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, Atli, you have been through a lot and I'm sure that grief is pushing you to just grasp at anything to feel better but you need to stop, sit back and take a deep breath. Acknowledge your sadness and the uncertainty of life right now. It may make you feel very alive temporarily to have the drama going on, to be making purchases and buying toys and things but what you have written shows me that you know this is all going to crash. Because it is not what you need and when your needs don't get met, you tend to just dive further and further down into old habits. You have financial security and so you have options that many others do not. Take advantage of that and see if you can find some support for change. Your post is full of self-loathing, of fatalistic thinking that blames everything on yourself. This is the glue that is holding you to the old patterns that the wiser part of you is wanting to escape. Feed the wiser you! Try therapy--and keep changing therapists if they don't help. Find one who is versed in CBT and mindfulness techniques and then really try to integrate those into your thinking. The old saying of "change your thoughts, change your life" is probably the truest thing I have experienced when you finally get that.

I'm really sorry about your girlfriend and about your mom. I'm thankful that you did get to spend time with your mom and I know it meant something to her. Your sister sounds like she isn't helping your self esteem any so maybe work on yourself for a while and give her some distance. Judgment from a family member is not what you need right now. Take care of yourself and don't blow through that money. Fancy dates are not the best way to get to know someone you really may want to spend time with. Pursue your interests and meet women that are pursuing their own interests. If someone's only interest is $$, run the other way fast!

 

[ATLL765]

I'm happy too that I got to at least see my Mother while she was still lucid. If only for a few hours. I'm not sure if it helped or hurt being in jail immediately after she passed as it gave me time to think, but it might have also just given me an excuse to not actually deal with what happened since that's not really the place to feel your way through anything. Now that I'm home, it may just be that it's all finally becoming real to me and I'm struggling to put the pieces together.

It's not my sister's fault she treats me the way she does. I understand why she did the things she did. It just really hurt not to have the stability of a home for the two weeks I was there and also the month following my release in October. It's really hard to get through each day having to live out of a suitcase and a trunk. Though having the finances to pay for hotel rooms was still much better than the times I didn't have that.

I just don't know why I keep doing the same things again and again. Why I think that I can keep the same people in my life that caused me so much pain in the past. Girl B that threatened to stab girl A is the same one I spoke to you via PMs about last year. I realize now that won't go anywhere beyond what it is now, but I still didn't think she'd get so jealous over my having taken another girl out on a few nice dates and telling her that I felt she night have the potential to be something more. Mind you this is someone that always made it clear that I'd never be #1. Something I've accepted an decided I'm fine with as long as it doesn't dissuade her from ever turning to be for help when she needs it, as I just want to help her do well in life. I just don't understand why, if she didn't want something more from me, that she'd want to destroy any chance I had at building something more with someone else? Her words to explain her actions were, "I just want her to know she's no competition". For what though? They were never competing for the same thing and I always make it a point to be very clear with what my intentions are and what the situation is vis a vis being exclusive in order to avoid this exact type of problem.

All this while she's the one with an actual boyfriend that now wants to disrespect not just me, but her as well. Something I won't stand for, as no matter what else is going on, this girl is someone I've been friends with for many years.
She's someone I refuse to see manipulated by a guy who has no intention of treating her well, especially when he's nearly 20 years older.

Lastly, girl A, whom I took on the fancy dates, was offered these things by me. She didn't push for it and was plenty happy when I just cooked dinner myself at my apartment. Just as part of my sales pitch, I promised the nicest first date she'd ever been on. So I delivered. Then immediately imploded as per usual

 

[Mafioso]

People are creatures of habit. It is hard to break the cycle even when we know it is self destructive if that is what we are comfortable with. Fear of success is just as real as fear of failure. It may be hard to picture yourself living a successful life, dealing with all the responsibilities and it is easier or more comfortable to live destructively- at least you know what that is like.

What was your childhood like? It sort of sounds like you feel like you have to punish yourself. Expressing self-disgust is negative reinforcement and part of the cycle. Rather than rewarding yourself for your achievements, however small they be, it seem like you focus on your mistakes and attempt to punish yourself. Punishing yourself doesn't really produce positive change, nor does it really help you to remove negative behaviors.

Often times people cling to coping mechanisms that are comfortable, regardless of how effective they may or may not be. The solution isn't to degrade and punish yourself, but instead much of the opposite. You are not a horrible or disgusting human being. You may have done things you aren't proud of, things that may even repulse you, but that doesn't mean you aren't capable of the opposite behavior. You clearly have capacity to love as demonstrated by your love for your mother. It sounds like you care about others as well, even if it isn't always expressed correctly. The important thing is that you posses the ability and capacity to be a great person. You clearly feel pain, otherwise you wouldn't have to drink until you don't.

It sounds like you have surrounded yourself with some toxic people. "I just want her to know she's no competition for me" are the words of a jealous and insecure person. We can't save the world, and if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't help anyone. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing because if you don't care for yourself you reduce or remove your capacity to care for others.

It really sounds like you need a break from those people and to spend some time focusing on yourself. Learn to accept yourself, appreciate yourself and ultimately love yourself. The way in which we view ourselves really impacts our view of the world and others. What sorts of things do you enjoy? What makes you feel accomplished? What do you feel lacking in? Address your own needs before you take on the needs of others.

A counselor or therapist can really help you work through these issues on a deeper level, but we are here to support you either way.

 

[ATLL765]

My childhood wasn't terrible. It wasn't fantastic either, but it wasn't overly traumatic by any means. I feel I may have adopted some of these traits or patterns of thought from my Mother, a she was the one who primarily raised me. She always felt like she wasn't doing enough to make the people around here happy and that others felt she wasn't doing a good job. I don't feel exactly the same way, but rather that no matter how well I perform, that things will never work out in my favor due to some cruel twist of fate.

As for cutting toxic people out of my life, I don't think I could do that with someone I love or care for the way I do for her. We've been through a lot right. I caught by best friend's husband sleeping with her when she was just 13. That was truly awful. She we there for me when my girlfriend died, which was especially meaningful as she was the only one of my friends that knew her personally prior to our relationship. Having been through these things together, I promised I'd always be there for her if she needed anything. A bed to sleep in, food to eat, money if she was in need and she told me she wanted to be there for me as well. I thought this sentiment was genuine.

I just don't understand why she feels the need to have it both ways with me. That she can come in and out of my life as she pleases, knowing I'll always be there. Yet then destroy any chances I have at building something more with anyone else. I don't know if this is out of pure jealousy or out of fear that if I had someone else in my life, that I'd cut her out of it.

 

[Mafioso]

Well maybe you don't need to remove people completely from your life, but seems like some distance would serve you well. Apart from the need to care for yourself, serving to enable another person's destructive or negative behavior does little to really help them. Sometimes enabling other people is a way to avoid immediate pain or guilt but ultimately leads to more. Without addressing the toxic behaviors, no true healing can really begin. Standing up for yourself and making your needs a priority in your life might cause immediate pain and discomfort, but ultimately it opens up the possibility of healing for both of you. You can address your own feelings and seek your own personal satisfaction, while maybe the distance might serve as a wake up call to her.

Something to consider is if you are trying to help another person for yourself, or for them. Are you just trying to avoid difficult feelings, like guilt and fear, or do you believe letting her walk all over you is really good for her? I understand why you might not want to cut off the relationship completely, but in all healthy relationships boundaries are very important. Setting up boundaries and limitations for relationships is not cruel or cold, it is acknowledging your personal needs and limitations in life.

I think it is good to desire to help other people, it is also a demonstration of positive character traits, proving that you are not a disgusting human being. But if she is projecting past traumas onto you and you are allowing it, then it becomes problematic for you both and ultimately no one is benefitting from the relationship.

Self-love and self-care must come first. It is not a selfish desire or action to take care of your own needs, it is just a practical understanding. For example, if you gave away all your money out of a desire to help others but then became homeless, lost your car and job then you can no longer help others and will be in need of some help yourself. Similarly, if you give away all your mental and emotional energy to others and leave none to take care of your own needs, well you will be in need of help and have lost the ability to help others.

It seems like it probably is both jealousy and fear of losing you now that you mention more details, but even still it doesn't justify that behavior. If there is really that deep of a relationship then you need to learn to trust each other and it sounds like her insecurity is preventing her from doing so. Allowing others to be dependent on us may help them immediately, but helping others to become self-sufficient will help them in the long run.

 

[ATLL765]

She doesn't just walk all over me without consequence though. I tell her when she's being immature, but I can't ever stay mad at her. I love her, a lot. She's a true friend, but she's got some serious problems she needs to work out. I just don't ever not want to be around her while she's trying to do so.

There's been too many people that have gotten mad at her for making a mistake and just push her away because of it. I don't want to make her feel like I'd ever abandon her because she upset me a little bit. I want her to know that even if I am upset, nothing changes between us. Maybe it's unhealthy, but when she hurts me, I just want to pull her closer just to make it abundantly clear that I'll never be more than a phone call away.

Anyways, you guys get the picture here. It's just frustrating that she had to go so far out of her way to salt the Earth, so to speak, with this other girl I had been seeing because I really liked her a lot. Maybe that's why she did it. Because I told her how I was a bit excited to have met someone with similar interests and seemingly genuine desire to want to those interests with me. These opportunities have been few and far between for me as most girls I've been with tend to suck around in a casual fashion for a bit before breaking it off.

That being said, this is 2nd girl in a year she's threatened to assault and she's gotten into arguments with others via text and/or Facebook. I don't know how to approach this with her as I don't want to ever cut her out of my life, but she needs to let me live my life the way I let her live her life. I've never gotten involved with any of her boyfriends other than this one where he's been the one to antagonize me by saying things that made me so mad that I told him to either stay away from her or I'd hurt him. The only other time anything like that occurred was when I witnessed another one of her boyfriends being physically aggressive and intervened.

 

[Mafioso]

Yeah I can understand where you are coming from. Seems like you have a difficult decision to make. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. Sometimes consequences serve as motivation to change. We can't protect others from their own mistakes, just help them get up when they fall. You don't have to cut someone out of your life to set boundaries, although there may be an increase in distance in the relationship.

We can't control others or a lot of circumstances that come our way, but we can choose how we react and respond to those things. Likewise, others can't control us, nor can circumstance dictate how we live. It's important to take responsibility for our choices for the sake of self-awareness.

 

[ATLL765]

I'm just having a really hard time dealing with all these forces that are out of my control. Girlfriend dying of an aneurysm, nothing I could do to have prevented that, as much as I wish I could have.

However, my mother dying and being sent to jail, prison. Having this girl intentionally sabotage what could have been at least a few more nice dates with a nice girl. These are things that are/were somewhat within my grasp, but the worst series of circumstances seem to coalesce in order to arrive at the worst possible outcome.

Like playing craps and rolling always rolling seven after setting the point. A glimpse of light, then crushing defeat.