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I'm all alone in this

A

Alone1112

Greenlighter
Joined
May 18, 2016
Messages
12
I am on day 5 of Suboxone withdrawal and absolutely no one in my close circle of friends or family even know I was on it. Not my husband my children my mother... No one. I'm taking a shot at this posting thing in the hopes of having some support system or words of encouragement to help me get through this. I have a very active life with a toddler and 2 older children and I'm pushing through 1 minute at a time. I know I can do this its just so hard and I feel like something on the bottom of someones shoe.
 
As you said it yourself, you can do it!

I've never had suboxone withdrawals but what I have heard they are awful but can be managed.

Remember that you are not alone in this situation if it helps :) I just decided to quit my oxy tapering a bit early as each of the last drops in dose put me through some withdrawals until it stabilised and then it was time to drop dose again and the withdrawals started again so I wanted to get out of that loop.

Welcome to aboard and we are here to help you!
 
yeah, I'm withdrawing from the subs too.
or am supposed to.
I was on 16mg, now on 2.
I've tried 0 for a few days but just cant stand it after all these years.

I've been on subs for 8 solid years.
keep posting here for support, you will need it.
sending much love.
 
I have been using whatever I could get my hands on for years and was finally tired of its tarted getting subs off a friend last year. Only used 2 mg twice a day and went through withdrawal several times when couldn't get any. Last week I couldn't get them and I said enough is enough. My family doesn't understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and I'm trying to hide it as best I can. I just want to cry all the time. I have some clonidine which has been helping with the chills and hot combo and some melatonin for sleep. It's terrible. Today is worse then yesterday and I don't ever wanna see the evil orange ever again. My friend texted me yesterday and said she had one for me and I said "NO"!! First time ever saying no when it was right in front of me basically. Just keep swimming just keep swimming.
 
Alone, you are doing great. Text that friend back that under no circumstances should she offer you anything--you are done. I can't imagine going through this while trying to care for a toddler and two young children--can you get any extra help for that or does it help in a way to have to be so busy? I really admire you for doing this. You sound serious and motivated. I'm sorry that you have had to keep it a secret. Drug addiction would be hard enough without all the shame but shame remains addiction's strongest weapon against you so try your hardest not to buy into it. You should feel very proud of yourself that you are tackling this.<3
 
I'm a stay at home mom so my husband is gone all day. He sees addiction as a weakness and a choice and will not understand. I used Suboxone for a period of about 3 years... About 6 years ago I quit it that time too. The other pills and such got so out of control I felt I needed to go back to it. Suboxone made me happier.. Friendlier.. More energetic and determined and I've always handled my business no matter what I was taking. Kids, house. Cleaning, laundry everything on point except my inner turmoil. I don't want o be a slave to the evil orange anymore or anything. I know the real me is in here somewhere and I will still be a good person and get my shit done without it. I just have to beat this hard part. I feel like such a terrible mother for going through this in front of my kids but I'm masking it as best I can. I get alone for a minute in the bathroom and I can cry and stretch and work my restless legs and then I need to go be super mom again. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It means the world to me.
 
This is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sorry you have no support in your life- we are here and can talk. It's going to get better and remember that IT IS TEMPORARY. You can overcome this discomfort and pain because it is not your permanent state. It's temporary.

I hear you- withdrawals are no fucking joke and your kids totally need you. You got this. Feel free to PM me to share anything you like.
 
Also if you are experiencing depression (which it sounds like you are) there are definitely other medications that can help and I'm sure you know that, but working with a doctor may have better results than self medicating. They are experts after all.

You have worth beyond your contribution to your family, don't forget that. Your interests and talents are valid. Stay strong, crying is okay.
 
Thank you so much. Hearing kind words from even a stranger helps greatly. Today has been better then yesterday and I know everyday will get better. All my emotions that have been stunted apparently are all coming to the surface. My appetite is coming back a little. I still have the feeling of I can't sit down but I can't stand up and I wanna lay down but I can't. My body is in utter confusion.
 
You know it's temporary, your body does not. Your appetite coming back is a really good sign. Make sure you're drinking a ton of water, try to do something small and nice for yourself throughout the day- let yourself wear your favorite shirt, look at flowers, look at comforting photos or works of art, whatever you find pleasing- this is a good time to give yourself these other types of emotional support.

Sometimes a little gentle exercise can help with the anxiety too- you said you had little ones, maybe take them to the park and walk around, or do sidewalk chalk, etc. Try something even mildly active will help, even if it's just to fill the miserable hour until your next slightly less miserable hour. Every moment you stay clean will continuously improve, remember that.
 
Alone1112 - you are so brave and courageous! You're doing a great job! It made me sad when you said you feel like a terrible mother for doing this in front of your kids, but I think your a wonderful mother for doing this. You said nobody knows about your addiction, so essentially you have so few options with how to withdrawal - I commend you for taking the initiative to get clean, and to go through the process while still maintaining your house and children and husband. Your determination is remarkable. So many people struggle going through withdrawal, and that is the only thing they have to focus on, and your doing it while fulfilling your other responsibilities in your life. That's AMAZING!

Just keep focused and know that feeling bad is temporary. Don't be surprised if you notice depression and anxiety, as that is part of the process and is also temporary. If your feeling anxious while taking care of the kids just remember to take deep slow breaths, and remind yourself that your having anxiety from withdrawal, and that it will pass. This won't be the new normal. The same goes for the depression. Try not to ruminate too deeply during this time, and if you start feeling negative change your thoughts to focus on something positive.

Please think positively about yourself as you are doing a great thing. You are truly a remarkable woman, and your family is lucky to have you! Please keep us updated and if you have any questions or need to vent feel free to pm me. Good luck and stay strong!
 
Day 6 was having a relaxing morning or trying to and the baby slept in a bit. But now I'm being forced to go shopping with yet another person that doesn't know what the fuck is going on with me. I don't feel like doing life today... I really don't. When will this start getting easier?
 
Every day is going to have its ups and downs. Moreaux is right, you are a good mother if you are working to be a better parent- which is, partly, I'm sure why you're doing this. I don't know what withdrawals from suboxone are like but it is true that withdrawals, no matter what drug it is, are TEMPORARY. You do not owe people your time to go shopping or anything else. You can, and should, focus on yourself and your kids right now, reserving your energy and will to take care of yourself and them, not other people's needs or whims.

Motivation is thin when you feel like garbage, that's for sure. Keep trying to eat nutritious foods, drink lots of water. Do small muscle stretches. Open the windows if the weather permits it. Try to connect with the day in a positive way- any way you can. Keep us updated, we care.
 
I do try to think positively as often as I can. I laugh with my son I watch, general hospital , I eat candy... Happy things for me. I'm just so angry with myself that I let this happen to me again. The last time I got off subs I swore I would never do it again. Then once again I had no choice this time plus they are cheaper then what I was on. I wish I could tell my husband... I'm angry that he's so unsupportive of me and doesn't help me with the kids or the animals or the cleaning or anything but then again I can't be angry because he doesn't know what I'm going through. I've had an addict for a parent, an addict for a cousin, had a relationship with 3 different addicts and have Sooo many friends through the years with issues. I understand I know that it runs much deeper then just stopping or making a choice. He doesn't understand. I feel like he would hate me if I told him. Day 6 is almost over. My body is feeling a little less out of control. My mind is in a fucking weird ass place now and I have no drive to even move but I mentally force myself to continue on.
 
Stay strong Alone1112! Regarding your husband, you know him best. I think being open and honest is the best course of action, as if he find outs and you haven't told him, that is going to create some monumental trust issues. If you're not comfortable telling him one on one consider marriage counseling if he would go for it. Having an impartial third party present may keep the emotions calm while you discuss it, and the counselor can act as a buffer and better explain how addiction affects a person's behaviour, as your husband will probably be hurt and angry that you began using again and didn't let him know. Personally, I think discussing this with him sooner rather than later would be better, as I think his feelings will only be more intense the longer you wait. However, I don't know you or your husband, or you're relationship and the dynamic between you, so it's easy for me to say this.

If you decide to talk to him about it, you may want to write down your main points so you don't leave anything out, or write a letter to him and have him read it in your presence so there are no interruptions and your main topics don't get derailed. Ultimately, you have to do what you think is best for you and your family. If you're torn about what to do write out a pros and cons list for echo alternative and use that to help you make your decision. Take your time to fully consider everything before taking any action. Good luck!

Please keep us updated. Your doing so well, you're such a strong person! Please keep us updated.
 
I've been trying to change my life around for a few years now. The most liberating thing I have done for myself is tell everyone. Most people refused to care or understand about the way I chose to start making changes this time (suboxone), even when I explained in detail about how it worked and why it's beneficial in the short term. I got many negative reactions and a lot of them really hurt but after that pain was over I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders.

Having a family and a husband who is not empathetic towards addiction would present unique challenges, how would he react after so many years of being deceived? Would he understand that it's his personal views on the matter that had you feel like you couldn't be open with him? I don't know this man but.. If you have to hide it and you think you can pull that off, I wish you the best of luck. It is extremely difficult when the people you love refuse to understand but you are still his wife so I hope there can be some sort of resolution that makes this easier on you.
 
Alone, I am alone in this too. From what I am reading you are on Day 8? You are doing so well. I wish I could be at day 8, 9, 10, 8065!
 
Today is day 7. And I woke up this morning feeling a little different. The sun is shining and the most uncomfortable part of the body symptoms seem to be almost gone. I still have muscle aches of course and the lack of energy but good moments are coming in longer spurts now. I'm seeing that this is actually doable for me for the 1st time in a long time. We can be there for each other Amy777.... I read something a little while ago that made me think. "If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you!" And I wanna be changed so I must be challenged!! I'm new to this whole message board thing so I don't know how to private message someone if you want to message me I will most certainly respond. Hang in there!!
 
When you start feeling physically capable, you should look into getting l-tyrosine. It's an amino acid that is a precursor to dopamine and norepinephrine, two neurotransmitters that you will be lacking. It has to be taken 30 minutes before eating in the morning. It will help with anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure and depression) and give you some energy. You can't take it until after the acute withdrawal phase as it will just make you feel worse. This coupled with protein supplements and lots of cardio exercise, will help nudge your brain back to proper functionality much faster. Amino acids found in protein supplements are the building blocks for endogenous neurotransmitter synthesis, intaling extra amounts while also getting cardio exercise daily will help tremendously.

It's easy to give into the anhedonia and lack of interest in doing things which will be present for quite some time after you are done the physical withdrawal phase but these are literally the best things you can do to be proactive and improve your mental state while you recover.
 
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