MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 2)

[pmz]

Ok, so I haven't posted here in a while, as I've been trying to move on. But today, I tripped off mushrooms for the first time in like almost 2 years. And omg it was amazing. I felt so great. I had a hard time relaxing into it at first. But it turned out perfect

I was at an STS9 show and the trip was perfect for the show. I felt like it might change everything. The whole trip I kept saying to myself, that I need to relax more. It was so beautiful the trip. So many colors and geometry in my vision. It was incredible. I can't wait for tomorrow after I wake up. I'm exhausted right now and gonna pass out, but tonight was amazing. And so well needed. I can't believe I so comfortable tripped tonight. It was so easy.

 

[taxflax]

So I started doing MDMA last year at university, first time was probably around this exact time last year actually. And the third time I did it I actually suffered a longterm comedown, which lasted from Easter last year, all the way to the end of the summer this year, effects being Anxiety, and derealization, no depression at all or anything like that.

Although i did potentially over do it that night, and I think I actually did some the night before, but diddent feel anything that night, but felt really weird the day after, shortness of breath was actually present, and I still did MDMA that night. And then I had I a longterm come down.

Yes, before you say, I know I did it too much, I was new to MDMA and was potentially naive. So between that night I must of gave it about a 6month break to my next roll. Start of Uni this year I did it every fortnight for two months, with one back to back week in there, one month later I foolishly did it 3 times in one week, with a day in between, but these were all not planned and actually offered. After that 3 in a week binge, the last roll gave me my first proper come down, lasted for about two days and was depressed etc, but nothing I couldn't handle.

Anyway, gave it a month after that and did a quarter of a gram, standard dose for me, but this time it felt different, I came up just as hard, but It lacked the empathy, and diddent last as long, as well I came down really fast, BZP Mabye? I don't know.. also, I took alpha lipoic acid every hour of the roll, probably about 600mg in total, and 3000mg of vitamin C throughout the night, so I was prepared.

That night I got about an hours sleep if that, as I had a presentation at Uni, haha yeah I know, fuck that, while on a comedown, which was potentially the hardest thing I've ever done. But I put feeling shit mainly down to lack of sleep. Anyway felt fine since then, but strangely one month after that night I poped a 5-HTP and some of the symptoms have from my longterm comedown came back, anxiety, I'm noticing visual snow a lot more, but these are all far far more manageable and mild compared to the actual long term comedown symptoms. I've been taking fish oils omega 3 and vitamin c and Alpha lipoic acid since those symptoms and they are going, Mabye it's my brain healing itself proper after all this time? The only thing which I'm intrigued about is this sort of occasional warm tingling sensation I get in my head occasionly throughout the day, I've heard about brain zaps and everything, but these don't feel electrical or particularly unpleasant, just a bit weird.. Anyway, just be interested to know if anyone here has any simmiliar experiences, oh and I'm planning on taking MDMA about 2 months from now, do you think that's Ok, that would make it a 3month break.

Thanks ???

I am not sure if I understand. Did you have a LTC that lasted for approx a year, took a break for six months and then went mad on the MDMA taking it every other week etc? To me, it doesn't seem the LTC has effected you... I would easily get rid of mine in exchange for not taking more MDMA.

 

[mDmAa97779]

MDMA brain damage permanence?

hi. I just recently turned 17 but even more recent decided to quit taking Molly. I'm 6'5" and weigh 260lb. I was taking MDMA on a daily basis, 5-10 times a day, just about everyday (occasionally taking a day or two off every week or so to sleep), and I took it just about every way imaginable. I had been using it heavily for about 2-3 months now. The choice to quit was long coming but quickly decided after I had seen those around me getting hurt by my habit. And I couldn't stand to deal with the guilt of putting my friends and family through the stress of seeing me do a non sensical amount of Molly. I've quit opiates before in the past and the withdrawl was pure shit. But all physical and luckily I could muscle through it. However this go around with MDMA I've very few physical symptoms and a world of mental problems. Severe Confusion, Lack of motivation, Sleep issues (usually too much, rather than the lack of that I'm used to from the heavy MDMA use) depression, depersonalization, anxiety, heart problems (usually beating way too fast), paranoia, twice I've had visual hallucinations while concious, lucid dreaming and having very odd nd stressful dreams, stiff muscles, major headache, and I'm sure there's more I haven't mentioned. But basically it's the usual rundown for your average Molly withdrawl.

I know taking more Molly, although it just makes me feel normal again for a minute, will only make the issues worse in the long run and I know I won't go take more for a long while. No matter how bad the cravings become. And I know i can and will stick it out. And I have friends supporting me and helping me through it all. My main concern and question is. How much of this is temporary, and how much will be permenant? I know nobody can know for sure. And only time will tell on that. But about how long should I expect the temporary symptoms to last for? And what can I do to aid in speeding up and/or improving the extent of my recovery? I know I've done some amount of brain damage and I'm feeling it every day. I've already started to eat healthier, and foods that are specifically higher in tryptophan as well as promote the brains production of serotonin. I'll probly go steal a 5htp supplement from a local store in the next couple days, I've been trying to sleep as much as possible, drink water, and exercise when I can muscle up enough energy for it. Will smoking weed help? I smoke frequently at least a few times a day. And it's helped with my anxiety. And actually helped me to feel a little more normal again for a decent minute. Would you suggest that I keep smoking, smoke more, less? I went and took some bars a had left. Took a few but didn't feel tha same effect I normally feel. Just felt relaxed nd normal. Not fucked up. I assumed this was just cause of my increased anxiety lately, and they helped but I haven't taken any more since. Just out of concern of it slowing my progress. Should I be concerned? Or is xany a go? will it help or hurt me? I haven't touched coke since I quit and I also quit cigarettes. 2 packs of menthols down to a few blacks a day.

I know I've probly been too long at this point but if rather be overly descriptive than to leave anybody short handed on info. But what else could I do or would someone suggest to help speed this up and help have a fuller recovery. And when, if ever, should I expect to feel normal again????

Any feedback helps. Thanks for your time. stay green my niggas!!

 

[aamir73]

it took me complete one year to recover. things which speed up the recovery are exercising daily, organic diet and abstaining yourself from smoking, alcohol and drugs. do this and you wont be taking ssri's at all.

 

[inzania]

Hi guys again, i've passed 10 weeks in my LTC after my one night, stupid first time 400ish mg MDMA and alcohol evening (3 redoses). I currently cant work and the future i fought for seems to be in pieces.
Im more or less planning to move back home in my city where i at least have my family and friends.
The thought of this state being permanent just breaks my heart. Even if some of the many symptoms have lessend. The worst one is this feeling as if im living life behind glass wall.
Like my brain has some sort of delay on everything i watch.

You guys who still suffer or sufferd and have Visual snow. Did it get worse over time or stay the same. I see my visual snow got temporary worse when i had a food poisoning and basically puked all night.
The first wintersun is starting to show up and i noticed that after i was more or less blinded by it for to long "10 min walk no sunglasses" and came back home, for a good 5 min a part of a wall looked like it was crawling, moving in a
wave motion. Never seen this before.
One more question. After how long time did you guys feel as if you could function normal again. I know this is hard to anwser since theres ton of factors involved. And the dose i took certainly didnt help me out.
Saying that ill never be able to work again after 1 time abuse is probably untrue and unreasonable. But living in this nightmare 24/7 and watching everything ive worked hard for fall appart is just crushing my soul.
Especially when i never did any drugs before this occasion.

I wish you all the best and i dont want any of us to have to live with this. If hell was on earth. This would be hell.

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey dude, sounds like times are very bad for you.
I felt better after I passed the 3 month mark. I just can repeat the following words: Give it some more time, it will get better! I know exactly how you are felling and the truth is, nobody could ever tell you when you will be completely your old self again. Theres the magic 6 months mark, everyone is talking about, I crossed it allready and I felt about 95%. Try to get your mind of, thats very important. What about sports? I think thats the other big deal.
There is a way out, there always is, but we cannot see it in dark times. It's hard work to find it.

 

[BlueBull]

hi. I just recently turned 17 but even more recent decided to quit taking Molly. I'm 6'5" and weigh 260lb. I was taking MDMA on a daily basis, 5-10 times a day, just about everyday (occasionally taking a day or two off every week or so to sleep), and I took it just about every way imaginable. I had been using it heavily for about 2-3 months now. The choice to quit was long coming but quickly decided after I had seen those around me getting hurt by my habit. And I couldn't stand to deal with the guilt of putting my friends and family through the stress of seeing me do a non sensical amount of Molly. I've quit opiates before in the past and the withdrawl was pure shit. But all physical and luckily I could muscle through it. However this go around with MDMA I've very few physical symptoms and a world of mental problems. Severe Confusion, Lack of motivation, Sleep issues (usually too much, rather than the lack of that I'm used to from the heavy MDMA use) depression, depersonalization, anxiety, heart problems (usually beating way too fast), paranoia, twice I've had visual hallucinations while concious, lucid dreaming and having very odd nd stressful dreams, stiff muscles, major headache, and I'm sure there's more I haven't mentioned. But basically it's the usual rundown for your average Molly withdrawl.

I know taking more Molly, although it just makes me feel normal again for a minute, will only make the issues worse in the long run and I know I won't go take more for a long while. No matter how bad the cravings become. And I know i can and will stick it out. And I have friends supporting me and helping me through it all. My main concern and question is. How much of this is temporary, and how much will be permenant? I know nobody can know for sure. And only time will tell on that. But about how long should I expect the temporary symptoms to last for? And what can I do to aid in speeding up and/or improving the extent of my recovery? I know I've done some amount of brain damage and I'm feeling it every day. I've already started to eat healthier, and foods that are specifically higher in tryptophan as well as promote the brains production of serotonin. I'll probly go steal a 5htp supplement from a local store in the next couple days, I've been trying to sleep as much as possible, drink water, and exercise when I can muscle up enough energy for it. Will smoking weed help? I smoke frequently at least a few times a day. And it's helped with my anxiety. And actually helped me to feel a little more normal again for a decent minute. Would you suggest that I keep smoking, smoke more, less? I went and took some bars a had left. Took a few but didn't feel tha same effect I normally feel. Just felt relaxed nd normal. Not fucked up. I assumed this was just cause of my increased anxiety lately, and they helped but I haven't taken any more since. Just out of concern of it slowing my progress. Should I be concerned? Or is xany a go? will it help or hurt me? I haven't touched coke since I quit and I also quit cigarettes. 2 packs of menthols down to a few blacks a day.

I know I've probly been too long at this point but if rather be overly descriptive than to leave anybody short handed on info. But what else could I do or would someone suggest to help speed this up and help have a fuller recovery. And when, if ever, should I expect to feel normal again????

Any feedback helps. Thanks for your time. stay green my niggas!!

Hey mDmAa97779, welcome to bluelight (or if you're a regular member, hi there :D )

That is quite a story. I'm glad to hear you realized that you were going in the wrong direction and decided to do something about it. MDMA can have serious after-effects when abused, but the good news is that it is almost never permanent. Even the heaviest of abuse cases recover, though it can take a long time. Know that you're not alone. Whatever you have to share about your situation, someone will be able to relate to it. Also I see you're still quite young. This is an advantage and a disadvantage at the same time. Being so young, the brain is still developing, so it's still a bit more fragile than when you've fully grown. However the younger a person is, the faster they recover from anything and the more resilient they are.

Smoking weed will probably only work temporarily. Part of what you're experiencing is going to be anxiety induced by stimulant abuse (speed for instance has this too). Weed is known to cause anxiety in smokers so it's a bit of a tricky situation. If I was experiencing what you're experiencing it would be a very bad idea for me to smoke weed, since depending on the strain of weed I can get anxious after smoking, once I start to sober up a bit. What you could try is to buy some edibles (though not too much). I've found edibles produce no anxiety for me, not during the high nor after, and my friends experience the same, so my advice would be to either stop smoking, or try to eat some spacecake or something once in a while. At the very least try to get a strain of weed that isn't insanely potent and has some more CBD and a bit less THC

I can't tell you when you're going to feel normal again. What I can tell you is that you need to move on with your life as best you can. Obsessing over it will only make it worse. I know that's very hard to do but you need to accept that this is the price for abusing drugs and that time is the only healer. There could be some things you can try to speed it up but I'm not an expert on the subject. I'm going to move your thread into the recovery support thread. In there you will find people that have experienced or are experiencing the same thing. They will be able to relate to your story and maybe provide some insights into what you can do to move past it. I suggest you read some stories in that thread to get a sense of how other people handled it. I have seen some fantastic support given in there and I've seen people go from down in the dumps to full recovery, by sheer willpower and some help from fellow bluelighters.

Take care, and please keep us updated on how you're doing!

 

[herenow14]

Hi guys I recently returned to blue light for the first time in awhile when I got a message from someone with LTC questions. My LTC started ~18 months ago. My post history won't show much but I was a frequent, obsessive at times visitor. Anyways just writing to say that today I feel like I'm at 95%. Which is to say completely liveable and damn near unnoticeable. Whatever percentage I'm at is fine and dandy because I never look to the sky anymore and pray for better days.

I really don't have any advice except for what everyone else has said... TIME and HEALTHY LIVING are the only things that help. There's no supplement, ssri, or easy way out.

Anyways I always told myself id open myself to talk to anyone going through this mess if I ever got thru it myself. I used to dream of making this post and here I am. Keep fighting the good fight y'all

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Hi guys I recently returned to blue light for the first time in awhile when I got a message from someone with LTC questions. My LTC started ~18 months ago. My post history won't show much but I was a frequent, obsessive at times visitor. Anyways just writing to say that today I feel like I'm at 95%. Which is to say completely liveable and damn near unnoticeable. Whatever percentage I'm at is fine and dandy because I never look to the sky anymore and pray for better days.

I really don't have any advice except for what everyone else has said... TIME and HEALTHY LIVING are the only things that help. There's no supplement, ssri, or easy way out.

Anyways I always told myself id open myself to talk to anyone going through this mess if I ever got thru it myself. I used to dream of making this post and here I am. Keep fighting the good fight y'all

what is the exact shit you still suffer mildly from?

 

[Abovetheclouds96]

I had those exact issues and trust me they get better!! Im currently a little over 3 months into my recovery and I still occasionally have them, cause sometimes I have vision issues and severe tension headaches which kinda fuck with me when I'm trying to socialize, but the general social anxiety that I had greatly decreased. It started to get better around my 2 month mark so just hang in there! To be honest, xanax helps a lot too, but smoking weed and hangovers made it worse. Just take care of urself and learn ways to cope with the anxiety. I've found that some breathing exercises help somewhat

 

[kracke]

how much xanax do you take? do you use it everyday?
be care of benzos that you dont take too much of them.

 

[Abovetheclouds96]

No I don't take them everyday but when I do I take either the 1 mg footballs or a bar just because I like the feeling they give me and they completely relax me! I don't take them very often tho

 

[me2point0]

I'm back. At this point nothing scares me anymore really. But yesterday I had twitches INSIDE my left arm. Like the blood coming back was jamming or something and I almost went to the ER but it was anxiety again.

Anyways I don't even know why I wrote that. What I wanted to say is:

I live in Canada and we have lots of snow. When the daylight reflects on the snow it makes my eyes see ALL of my eye floaters. And I noticed there a SHIT LOAD. And it got me really sad. Cuz visual changes are killing my hopes of recovery. I feel so well about life and all, but changes in my vision? Come on, thats no fair man. The question is, do we even have ONE person who had snow/floaters and recovered who also stop having these issues? Please answer...

 

[Bogeyman]

The arm thing sounds nasty and not fun at all.

You can surely recover from snow/floaters, What you have to realize is there is nothing to recover from.
YOU'VE always had these. Maybe not at THIS high level. But you've always had them to some degree.
The perception change made you notice them more, Or anxiety etc.
And obsessing about it.
You should TRAIN your eyes to FILTER them out.
A common mistake I find is to IGNORE them, No. You should EMBRACE them and TEACH your eyes NEW tricks that will LEARN to FILTER them OUT.
Stand outside an hour or walk around and think ONLY about how you are MOVING your eyes, And what SIGNALS you are sending out to your eyes, Whilst thinking about the floaters and try to remove a few of em and see what changes your eyes did and keep your eyes locked in one position that may be super awkward and even hurt and make you not see anything becouse everything will be blurred and double for a couple of minutes, then slowly move gaze that switches it slightly but still keep it blurry/double etc.
Now im just giving you some examples to help get you started. Ultimately its you who have to find how your eyes work and what you see. Just remember you have to stay fully focused you cant be distracted by other things like the way your moving your body.

One day you might be happy that you've learned to filter so much details out with your eyes that you will be happy you've had this experience.

It is not somthing I would worry about, Think about people with Parkinsons diease (Do you know how badly that affects your vision amongst hundreds of other things).
Chronic pain disorders.
Dystonia.
MS.
People who get these dieases at 20 with whole life ahead and then end up being crippled becouse of these.
Be glad this has not happened .
A couple of Eye Floaters is not the end of the world.
Whenever I've had them, And i've had loads from various comedowns and HPPD. I dont even care about them.
And dont think I did not have bad floaters, Hell I could barley see the sky or stars . Was just a bunch of static noise and floaters all over. Pff. Reading was also difficult becouse the light that screens emit takes alot for your eyes to filter and actaully read the text infront of you.
There's so many things your eyes does automaticly that you are not aware of in your subconscious.
You would be blind if they didnt, Becouse light would enter eyes directly and hurt the hell out of them so you wouldnt be able to keep the eyelids open due to blepharospasm.

You can LEARN all these things, It's a RELEARNING process.
You can learn how to control what your eyes does in your subconscious mind.
But it takes alot of training and practice.

 

[inzania]

I'm back. At this point nothing scares me anymore really. But yesterday I had twitches INSIDE my left arm. Like the blood coming back was jamming or something and I almost went to the ER but it was anxiety again.

Anyways I don't even know why I wrote that. What I wanted to say is:

I live in Canada and we have lots of snow. When the daylight reflects on the snow it makes my eyes see ALL of my eye floaters. And I noticed there a SHIT LOAD. And it got me really sad. Cuz visual changes are killing my hopes of recovery. I feel so well about life and all, but changes in my vision? Come on, thats no fair man. The question is, do we even have ONE person who had snow/floaters and recovered who also stop having these issues? Please answer...

I also have the same visual issues, same if the winter sun is to strong and my eyes get stressed by it. I can even get walls crawling and other wierd visuals from that. But it lasts for a short while.
And this triggers anxiety and makes me feel bad to. The way i try to combat that issue atleast is to always have sunglasses with me. It negates the visuals from that and also makes me not get
more anxiety than i already have. I havent experienced summer yet with the visual conditions. But i know its gonna be hell and the only way to not make it more of a problem than it is, is to use sunglasses.

On a positive note, sunglasses makes my DP/DR less intence. Tho i dont know if i will have it by the time summer comes. Its still good for that to. Simple yet effective relief.
I had a lot of DP in the beginning and atleast that part is gone. Tho the DR is still there and extremely noticable in crowded places. sux :/

I hope in 5 years when we all look back. We can say that this hell was an experience and that we are proud that we managed to "survive" it.
We all have different joys in life. I worked for 8 years to get a job that is the best job ive had. With a monthly saliry of almost 4K euro.
Dont have a lot of friends and not a good social life, but atleast i had the job behind me that made me proud of myself every day.
Now that i dont have that its like a steamroller crushing me and my soul everyday. But somehow regardless of how hell life is now. We all still live somehow.
One day at a time. Hold on to your friends and family. Talk to them when needed. If it helps you to "survive" the day do it. Stay strong!

 

[shakeyjakey]

need some advice,

I abused MDMA weekly for 2 years after the abuse I have been experiencing severe anxiety for about a year and a half, I have a 2 month break and then by accident do mdma again when im drunk. So I haven't abstained from the drug for a period longer than 3 months, this has been going on for a year, so I have been living with constant anxiety. I have just had a 3 month break and but kept drinking some weekends, not always though, the past weekend gone exactly on the 3 month break mark I stupidly did a couple of Xanax and 4 or 5 dexies, and have been pretty pissed off since. The question is how much will this affect my recovery from mdma abuse and my anxiety?

Also I have been thinking of using ssri's to get me out of this mess, does anyone recommend any? Like I said ive been on and off with mdma for 3 years with a year and a half of constant anxiety and pain. Any advice will be greatfull.

 

[Bogeyman]

need some advice,

I abused MDMA weekly for 2 years after the abuse I have been experiencing severe anxiety for about a year and a half, I have a 2 month break and then by accident do mdma again when im drunk. So I haven't abstained from the drug for a period longer than 3 months, this has been going on for a year, so I have been living with constant anxiety. I have just had a 3 month break and but kept drinking some weekends, not always though, the past weekend gone exactly on the 3 month break mark I stupidly did a couple of Xanax and 4 or 5 dexies, and have been pretty pissed off since. The question is how much will this affect my recovery from mdma abuse and my anxiety?

Also I have been thinking of using ssri's to get me out of this mess, does anyone recommend any? Like I said ive been on and off with mdma for 3 years with a year and a half of constant anxiety and pain. Any advice will be greatfull.

No dont get SSRI's.
Stop thinking about it.
The way you count months and years is just limiting your functions.
You use when you use and your sober when your sober.
No need to count nothing about it, Just take it if you feel like taking it, You already made the decision anyway. You already made the decision you would have an (X amount break) and then take it again.
Tommorow is the last day your gonna be alive, How do you wanna spend it?
Wanna take more MDMA and die? Then do it. And make sure you have the balls to end it.
Wanna quit this vicious cycle of addiction.
Then quit it.
And stop counting, Wow now im 1 month sober.
Your either sober or your not.
Time does not exist.
Stop putting labels on it.
When should you expect to get better?
Whenever you realize theres nothing to get better from.
People are just ignorant to what they dont understand.
Your addicted becouse you hate yourself for taking it yet is stupid enough to do it anyway.
And you obsess about how stupid you are and how weak you are for doing something so stupid and you try to fight not being so stupid , whilst in the end you ultimately already know your fate. And what choice you've made.

The anxiety you get is not from any chemical imbalance of any kind. Its becouse its making you aware of how stupid you are for gettin stuck in a vicious cycle of addiction.
So either stay addicted, And learn how the game is played and enjoy it on occasions where its safe to take.
That way you will break free from your addiction becouse you will have essentially been reborn and can enjoy it to its fullest effects again.
Becouse you realize the substance in itself is doing nothing. Its how your mind portraits the picture of it.
If you keep chasing a high your never gonna get it.
You just gotta take it for what it is.
Life is never static and never the same.
It always flows and changes.
Or you quit and never use it again if perhaps your to stupid to realize this and will only end up in anxiety and pain.

This is your only two options.
Your third is killing yourself tommorow becouse its the last day your ever gonna live unless you choose one of the other two.
If you dont do that, Your gonna spend your whole life in misery till you die of cancer or some other sickness.

 

[me2point0]

I veins are bloated as hell. My arms hurt from the inside when I don't sleep much. My heart anxiety is off the charts. But I believe, that one day, it's all going to be over. Please, hang on people.

 

[kracke]

hey guys. as many of you know i am also in a ltc for the last 4 month. main problems: anxiety, dr/dp, anhedonia.
what do you think of going on medication? will it delay or hinder my recovery?
what do you think are the best meds? tianeptine, valdoxan?
maybe those of you who have recovered can give me an answer

 

[inzania]

Does anyone here know if the Visual snow/Static, floaters, BFEF, get worse over time. I had a mild static pre MDMA and it went to a whole new level after the MDMA. Only on month 3 soon in my LTC.
But i notice in the mornings that the static is way worse untill im fully awake. Is it the same for you Hoketus​? For the rest of you any input would be great.