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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.

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^^ Shit man I'm really sorry to hear the trouble you are in right now.

I have only ever been in a remotely similar situation when I WAS a hardcore addict and living with other alcoholics and addicts, plus my addict girlfriend. So even that situation wasn't that similar to yours other than the financial aspect I guess.

I can understand your wanting to start doing something illegal for money and risk your freedom in order to climb out of this hole. Trust me I've already considered it since getting sober and things aren't even that bad for me right now - it just really tempting to make fast money especially if you already know the business but trust me it's not worth it. I'm not sure if you have any experience making money whatever way you're thinking of right now, but it's not as easy as it sounds and it's not reliable. There are ups and downs with cash-flow, but no matter what you will always be anxious, paranoid, and looking over your shoulder for "cops and robbers" so to speak. Getting jacked and catching a case will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. Stress will run you down. You are admittedly desperate, which means you will likely take unnecessary risks. If you lose your freedom, everything will be that much worse. You will be even worse off then you were to begin with.

I know getting a $10/hour job isn't going to be the answer to your problems - but it will definitely help and it's a start. Get a job and start trying to network with people. Work whatever job you find but always actively keep an eye out for better opportunities. Talk to people you meet and see if they have any leads. I know it's tempting to take the easy way out but is it really worth the risk?


___________


On another note, I managed to complete quite a bit of my late assignments last night. Well, I guess not really maybe like half of the actual assignments and then spent 4 hours reading the rest of a book that I'm having a test on today. Thank god its actually a really good book or there's no way I would have finished in time and woulda botched my test. Called "The Glass Castle", if anybody's read it, it's really quite a good read actually it's a book I totally would have read on my own outside of school.

So anyway, I didn't finished everything I needed to get done but I completed all of the "super late" assignments and the ones I have left are more "recently late", plus the most pressing thing was to finish reading this book because of the big test I mentioned. I'm about to start class, when I'm done for the day I'll probably go ahead and finish the rest of my work since I'm already on a roll and cracked out on coffee having been awake all night getting this shit done, may as well just power through the rest of it.

Moral of the story, Don't be a fucking slacker because you will end up trying to climb your way out from under a pile of shit with nothing but a toothpick to dig with and a cup of coffee.
 
Yesterday I went on a run in the forest and I got lost. I've never been lost in the woods before. It happened in a place that I visit at least once a week, where I shoot photos and take my friends when they are visiting. I know this place. But instead of staying on the main trail I veered away and started running uphill, trying to take pictures of a sunset that looked better and better the higher I climbed.

After the sunset ended, I realized that I had no idea where I was, where the trail was, or how to get back to my car. where my purse, phone, food, and jacket where. The trail I was on (if you could call it that....more like a random pathway) continued onward, so I followed it, passing the occasional runner or mountain biker. Seeing them calmed any anxiety that was slowly brewing, because I assumed that the presence of others meant I was going to find my trail eventually. Nope.

At this point owls where beginning to hoot, and the sunset was turning into darkness. I began visualizing spending the night in the woods; I accessed memories of being a kid at camp and learning how to build a lean-to, find water, make a fire, etc. But I pushed these thought underneath far more comfortable hopes that I would eventually find my way back to my car or at least find a person who could guide me. Nope. Actual darkness arrived and I found myself alone with no flashlight, no lighter, no food, and no phone to call for help with.

Finally I stood perfectly still and listened for the sound of cars, which would at least lead me to back to civilization. I gave up notions of finding my own car or trail and started running toward the sound of the road. When I finally reached the road, a perfectly friendly, yet very terse and guarded lady pointed me to the direction of the nearest busy street and drove quickly down the hill.

I ran downhill for 15 minutes before I saw the beacon of light (a 76 gas station) and had a short celebratory crying session. I cleaned up my face and asked the gas station clerk to call me a cab. I had run over the mountain to a city 12 miles away. When the cab driver pulled up, I thanked the gas station clerk, teared up in embarrasment/joy, and got inside the cab. The driver knew exactly what had happened before I said the words. When I got home a hour later, I looked over the photos from the day. One was perfect.

We should all get lost more often.

<3
 
Zwanya said:
Yesterday I went on a run in the forest and I got lost. I've never been lost in the woods before. It happened in a place that I visit at least once a week, where I shoot photos and take my friends when they are visiting. I know this place. But instead of staying on the main trail I veered away and started running uphill, trying to take pictures of a sunset that looked better and better the higher I climbed.

After the sunset ended, I realized that I had no idea where I was, where the trail was, or how to get back to my car. where my purse, phone, food, and jacket where. The trail I was on (if you could call it that....more like a random pathway) continued onward, so I followed it, passing the occasional runner or mountain biker. Seeing them calmed any anxiety that was slowly brewing, because I assumed that the presence of others meant I was going to find my trail eventually. Nope.

At this point owls where beginning to hoot, and the sunset was turning into darkness. I began visualizing spending the night in the woods; I accessed memories of being a kid at camp and learning how to build a lean-to, find water, make a fire, etc. But I pushed these thought underneath far more comfortable hopes that I would eventually find my way back to my car or at least find a person who could guide me. Nope. Actual darkness arrived and I found myself alone with no flashlight, no lighter, no food, and no phone to call for help with.

Finally I stood perfectly still and listened for the sound of cars, which would at least lead me to back to civilization. I gave up notions of finding my own car or trail and started running toward the sound of the road. When I finally reached the road, a perfectly friendly, yet very terse and guarded lady pointed me to the direction of the nearest busy street and drove quickly down the hill.

I ran downhill for 15 minutes before I saw the beacon of light (a 76 gas station) and had a short celebratory crying session. I cleaned up my face and asked the gas station clerk to call me a cab. I had run over the mountain to a city 12 miles away. When the cab driver pulled up, I thanked the gas station clerk, teared up in embarrasment/joy, and got inside the cab. The driver knew exactly what had happened before I said the words. When I got home a hour later, I looked over the photos from the day. One was perfect.

We should all get lost more often.

<3
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Goosebumpy here.
 
caseface99 said:
^^ Shit man I'm really sorry to hear the trouble you are in right now.

I have only ever been in a remotely similar situation when I WAS a hardcore addict and living with other alcoholics and addicts, plus my addict girlfriend. So even that situation wasn't that similar to yours other than the financial aspect I guess.

I can understand your wanting to start doing something illegal for money and risk your freedom in order to climb out of this hole. Trust me I've already considered it since getting sober and things aren't even that bad for me right now - it just really tempting to make fast money especially if you already know the business but trust me it's not worth it. I'm not sure if you have any experience making money whatever way you're thinking of right now, but it's not as easy as it sounds and it's not reliable. There are ups and downs with cash-flow, but no matter what you will always be anxious, paranoid, and looking over your shoulder for "cops and robbers" so to speak. Getting jacked and catching a case will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind. Stress will run you down. You are admittedly desperate, which means you will likely take unnecessary risks. If you lose your freedom, everything will be that much worse. You will be even worse off then you were to begin with.

I know getting a $10/hour job isn't going to be the answer to your problems - but it will definitely help and it's a start. Get a job and start trying to network with people. Work whatever job you find but always actively keep an eye out for better opportunities. Talk to people you meet and see if they have any leads. I know it's tempting to take the easy way out but is it really worth the risk?


___________


On another note, I managed to complete quite a bit of my late assignments last night. Well, I guess not really maybe like half of the actual assignments and then spent 4 hours reading the rest of a book that I'm having a test on today. Thank god its actually a really good book or there's no way I would have finished in time and woulda botched my test. Called "The Glass Castle", if anybody's read it, it's really quite a good read actually it's a book I totally would have read on my own outside of school.

So anyway, I didn't finished everything I needed to get done but I completed all of the "super late" assignments and the ones I have left are more "recently late", plus the most pressing thing was to finish reading this book because of the big test I mentioned. I'm about to start class, when I'm done for the day I'll probably go ahead and finish the rest of my work since I'm already on a roll and cracked out on coffee having been awake all night getting this shit done, may as well just power through the rest of it.

Moral of the story, Don't be a fucking slacker because you will end up trying to climb your way out from under a pile of shit with nothing but a toothpick to dig with and a cup of coffee.
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Thanks for that reply. Things aren't necessarily THAT bad atm, that post was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction sort of thing. I'm not starving or anything but we are clutching at straws and the continuous long-term expenses are the problem here.
I can scrap together some money maybe get a job and buy myself some things, and thats all I need, but the bills... THE BILLS!! 8(
I'm not a materialistic person but I've made some regretful investments recently which is bugging me, and I need to invest a lot more for it to pay off.

As for slacking off, that's my main issue tbh. But whatever, I'm having a fairly good day today and it's sunny outside. I'ma go for a walk.
 
my son spent 3 days lost in the national redwoods park due to stupidly taking LSD 2 hours before going on his hike drank river water slept in those cave like things a lot of redwoods get and finally found a road and he talks about it like it was fun but he loves the outdoors so maybe it was fun for him i would freak out
 
Just A Guy said:
I couldn't wait. We had temperatures approach 70 degrees yesterday, and it still didn't melt all the ice around my place. But I opened up the ol' grill for the first time in 2014, and had some nice charcoal-grilled chicken. Afterwards the kids roasted marshmallows over it. lol
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I love that they roasted marshmallows LOL.

My grill is right outside my kitchen door and I grill rain or shine. It's the only way I am any good at all cooking meat. If I try to make it in the oven I always end up with dry meat but grilling is so quick and everything tastes better made over a fire IMO--veggies, too.
 
the disks and bones in my lower back are deteriorating and they want to fuse the bones together but what good will that do if they continue to disintegrate
 
I just need to post...

So here I am, in my dark little corner of the world. Not knowing if I "have it good" (whatever you would classify that as) or if I really do need help. I have a day-to-day struggle with my thoughts and actions. Being an addict really takes its toll on me. Sometimes I can't tell what's reality and what's fake. My what used to be good judgment of things has dwindled and I have begun to care less about certain things...Like myself. It's almost been a year now since I've started, and I've learned so much about drugs and drug use in that short amount of time. Being a day sober and withdraw kicking my ass, it's the best time for me to express my feelings correctly. I could write a whole book on just one thought I have right now, but I'm going to try to keep it short with a couple thoughts. Recently my boyfriend and I got into a fight. I've got so many things on my mind when it comes to my relationship constantly because I'm working on fixing things that I have done wrong. I've lied to him, not about anything major, but I broke his trust. I've been working on my trust with him for a very long time now, and I've learned to not lie about anything. I've probably learned my lesson over 1 million times now alone by just working on this with him. Well in our recent fight, not only am I working on trust with him, I am also working on respect. Something you should always give that one person who you hold so dear to you. But why is it so hard for me? I have the worst anger issues. If something makes me even the slightest bit mad, my blood boils over and I just snap. I've been pretty good about controlling myself with that, but whenever I'm high, it's a thousand times harder because all I want to do is enjoy my high. So respect dwindles and there I am at stepping stone number one again....Took 5 steps back. Being on downers, I always get stuck once I take those steps back. I go into immediate depression and let it suck me in. I feel so lost when I stop working on things with him, and I make things worse by letting my depression take me over. Half the time I feel crazy when I think about all of this, but I just gotta get it out. Nobody else has a clue about my mental-well being besides my boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even fully understand. I'm just trying to do good and whenever I don't it's like the end of the world to me and I don't know how to get through it. The other day I had an epiphany over Adderall. It made me feel normal and sane again, and helped me open up and be myself to the fullest. I literally wrote 8 pages in my journal that night over how good I felt about myself at the time. My epiphany was - what if all I needed was a little kick out of my cocoon from a prescribed to me dosage of Adderall to help me feel like me again? I've abused Adderall before, but not for a sensation of high...just to be able to clear my mind and actually focus for once. Obviously if I were to be diagnosed with ADHD and given a prescription it would give me the right dosage to just have that effect of focus. I don't want it for the high and I definitely wouldn't abuse it. After reading this somewhat little excerpt about me...What do you have to say? Is it all in my head? Do I over think things too much? Or do I really need some kind of help? By the way, this is my first time posting ever, I'm Tori. Nice to meet all of you. 8)
 
Hiya Hypno Toad, Welcome to Bluelight.

Dwann sorry to hear that - that sounds painful. I had an L5/S1 disc herniation once and that was bad enough as my leg was so incredibly painful. I really cannot imagine what you are going through. Can you not put these questions to the person who is going to do the operation? Ask them in what way it would benefit you long time? Here if you ever need someone to listen / talk ok.

Evey xxxx
 
the person who was gonna do the operation quit he was a neurosurgeon from stanford university so very talented but he developed Parkinsons like symptoms shaky hands so he can't do surgery anymore so i'll likely have to settle for someone less qualified which is a bit unnerving but i had an infection in my back and i've only been clear of it for a month about and they wanna wait 6 months to do the surgery to make sure they don't kill me by spreading the infection so as of right now i don't have anyone qualified enough to give me solid information on what this surgery means to me and what to expect in the way of recovery i'm nervous but my son is freaked i keep trying to console him but he's worried i won't have hardly any mobility so we won't be able to hike together and other things but the hiking means the most to him we've been doing it together since he was 4 so 20 years of a nostalgic activity that he worries will come to an end has him really upset and depressed
 
How are you all doing anyway? Sorry I haven't been around much lately or haven't replied to posts/threads here. Hope you're all doing ok. I'll be spending more time here again now as I've quite missed you all xxxx

Dwamn I'm so terribly sorry about all that. Yes your son was really worried about you n I really wish there was something I could say to help in any way. I think waiting 6 months is good though with things like infections best not to risk it before then encase. That sucks about the neurosurgeon.
As I 'm in the UK I really don't don't know much about your services to advise.
Have you ever gone into the North n South America drug discussion on Bluelight? Maybe someone there could help you out with some info. There are a lot of people on bluelight with pain issues shame there wasn't a section for that - think it would really help some people. Please take care of you both. That sucks about no more hiking for both of you.
Evey xxxx
 
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my dr told me there are more than a few really good neurosurgeons in my area
 
hypno-toad said:
I just need to post...

So here I am, in my dark little corner of the world. Not knowing if I "have it good" (whatever you would classify that as) or if I really do need help. I have a day-to-day struggle with my thoughts and actions. Being an addict really takes its toll on me. Sometimes I can't tell what's reality and what's fake. My what used to be good judgment of things has dwindled and I have begun to care less about certain things...Like myself. It's almost been a year now since I've started, and I've learned so much about drugs and drug use in that short amount of time. Being a day sober and withdraw kicking my ass, it's the best time for me to express my feelings correctly. I could write a whole book on just one thought I have right now, but I'm going to try to keep it short with a couple thoughts. Recently my boyfriend and I got into a fight. I've got so many things on my mind when it comes to my relationship constantly because I'm working on fixing things that I have done wrong. I've lied to him, not about anything major, but I broke his trust. I've been working on my trust with him for a very long time now, and I've learned to not lie about anything. I've probably learned my lesson over 1 million times now alone by just working on this with him. Well in our recent fight, not only am I working on trust with him, I am also working on respect. Something you should always give that one person who you hold so dear to you. But why is it so hard for me? I have the worst anger issues. If something makes me even the slightest bit mad, my blood boils over and I just snap. I've been pretty good about controlling myself with that, but whenever I'm high, it's a thousand times harder because all I want to do is enjoy my high. So respect dwindles and there I am at stepping stone number one again....Took 5 steps back. Being on downers, I always get stuck once I take those steps back. I go into immediate depression and let it suck me in. I feel so lost when I stop working on things with him, and I make things worse by letting my depression take me over. Half the time I feel crazy when I think about all of this, but I just gotta get it out. Nobody else has a clue about my mental-well being besides my boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even fully understand. I'm just trying to do good and whenever I don't it's like the end of the world to me and I don't know how to get through it. The other day I had an epiphany over Adderall. It made me feel normal and sane again, and helped me open up and be myself to the fullest. I literally wrote 8 pages in my journal that night over how good I felt about myself at the time. My epiphany was - what if all I needed was a little kick out of my cocoon from a prescribed to me dosage of Adderall to help me feel like me again? I've abused Adderall before, but not for a sensation of high...just to be able to clear my mind and actually focus for once. Obviously if I were to be diagnosed with ADHD and given a prescription it would give me the right dosage to just have that effect of focus. I don't want it for the high and I definitely wouldn't abuse it. After reading this somewhat little excerpt about me...What do you have to say? Is it all in my head? Do I over think things too much? Or do I really need some kind of help? By the way, this is my first time posting ever, I'm Tori. Nice to meet all of you. 8)
Click to expand...

Most of us who post in the Dark Side or I'd guess pretty much anywhere on Bluelight can sympathize with you, Tori (hypno). You said that you don't know if you "have it good" or if you really do need help. But you did mention that you have begun to care less about yourself, and that's telling you something.

Bluelight can be a tremendous resource for information if you know where to look. Pretty much in my experience, when I've felt the way you are describing, each time it's been a sure sign that I've let my substance abuse get out of hand. Here's a great read, if you are interested, http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/672623-Addiction-Guide. I'm glad you're here, and want you to feel welcome. I've turned the downward spiral upside down twice, and the second time was in large-part thanks to this place. Peace!
 
I barely eat anything, come home drunk at 1am, waste the last of my money on alcohol, and I've squandered every opportunity I've had.
I've lost interest in everything. I no longer want to produce music or get a driving license (which I should have done 2 years ago), I got health problems I can't be bothered taking care of and have no money left. And on top of that I'm getting shit on by my parents. This shit is my fault so I deserve that. I haven't got a haircut for months and I look almost anorexic.

I know you all have heard this from me before but what should I do BL? I'm completely numb, I don't feel anything. Should I go to my doctor to ask for an SSRI or something? Just enough to get me through the day and get a 9 to 5.
Right now I feel like a 60 year old man, don't even feel like standing up straight, I'd rather lie down on my bed.
I fucking hate how my life has turned out, I'm on the verge of selling everything I own and taking a plane to some random fucking country and changing my name, starting a new life. I despise myself.
 
plmar said:
I barely eat anything, come home drunk at 1am, waste the last of my money on alcohol, and I've squandered every opportunity I've had.
I've lost interest in everything. I no longer want to produce music or get a driving license (which I should have done 2 years ago), I got health problems I can't be bothered taking care of and have no money left. And on top of that I'm getting shit on by my parents. This shit is my fault so I deserve that. I haven't got a haircut for months and I look almost anorexic.

I know you all have heard this from me before but what should I do BL? I'm completely numb, I don't feel anything. Should I go to my doctor to ask for an SSRI or something? Just enough to get me through the day and get a 9 to 5.
Right now I feel like a 60 year old man, don't even feel like standing up straight, I'd rather lie down on my bed.
I fucking hate how my life has turned out, I'm on the verge of selling everything I own and taking a plane to some random fucking country and changing my name, starting a new life. I despise myself.
Click to expand...

Pimar, though you will take yourself with you wherever you go, I think it can be a good idea to travel or drastically change location to help you get out of yourself and paradoxically find yourself by doing so. It is not without risks but I think when you hate your life/yourself it is time to shake things up. Often people start hating themselves because the life they think they should be living does not actually jibe with who they really are. You just need to find a path that you are excited to explore. That can be like finding a needle in a haystack within modern culture but it is worth doing. Some people go through their entire lives miserable because they do not fit into a life laid out for them. It's an art to create a life that has meaning for you and like any art it is a daily practice rather than some instant arrival.

Healing from self-hatred is a complex task. You have to go at it from many angles. Where did it come from? What feeds it now and keeps it alive? What is different in the times when you are not feeling it and how can you create more of those times?
 
Blah.

Lost my keys at a punk show and my ears are ringing like a grenade went off next to my head. At least I had fun haha.

I also thought I lost my ring and posted bitching about it for the SECOND time in the last two months, only to find it like 15 minutes later. I think I'm just going to stop wearing this thing and/or make it a necklace and then I don't have to worry about it lmao.
 
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