• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Long, rambling, probably doesn't belong here or anywhere

nimue

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2018
Messages
3
I probably don?t belong here. I may not really belong anywhere.

I am looking for ? I dunno, advice, feedback, someone to tell me that I?m doing it wrong or right or something. Maybe I just can?t tell anyone who knows me about any of this and, well, here it seems we can talk about the really awful feelings.

You can.

Maybe you?ll let me in, too.

Here is my ?drug story,? such as it is. I?m sure it?s laughable in a way.

I?m not happy. I haven?t been for such a long time. In fact, I?ve struggled off and on with suicidal ideation since the age of 10 (I?m almost 50 now). About 5 years ago, I got really sick. It would?ve killed me and I was in a bad way (barely breathing) and it was ? not truly awful. Not great. I felt like crap. But, somehow, in my mind right now ? this living ?cured? feels worse.

Honestly, as often as I get suicidal, I kick myself for having the stupid surgery.

So, anyway, about 2 years ago my life got into a downward spiral. Both parents died. Bad economy means me and my husband are separated due to jobs and relocation. Contracts expired here and there and we can?t even MOVE fast enough. (Moving is expensive!)

It?s not like we had a fight. It?s just survival. You know?

Healths poor. I?m overweight, diabetic, and cantankerous enough to not take care of myself. Plus when I got sick 5 years ago I lost so much muscle tone and never managed to make my way back. It?s hard when you?re on the bad side of 45. I wish I?d skipped that surgery.

Obviously, I?m depressed.

So, I tried to get ?help.? But, it just DOESN?T. It doesn?t HELP.

Ask for help, they say. So, you do. But they?re kinda busy and my life is no where even CLOSE to the badness that goes on in the rest of out there. Maybe I don?t deserve help ? others are more needy. I have a home, money to buy what I need (I?m not rich but I make do), my marriage isn?t THAT bad but it?s suffered due to stress, deaths in the family and living in different time zones.

Thing is, I WISH I was suicidal. No, I absolutely do not expect anyone to encourage me. I just want someplace I can SAY this stuff so it gets out of my head space. I don?t even expect it?s all that toxic, to be honest. I think, maybe, lots of people might feel this way. But, that might be because I?m in opiate withdrawal.

So, last January-ish, I decided I?d about had it with life. As per my usual when I get that way, I was kicking myself. I didn?t just agree to get treatment when I got sick, I?d made it a mission to PROVE it wasn?t all in my head. I MADE them treat me. (How stupid was that?) I?d have just up and died and they?d have finally figured it out from the autopsy. I had a weird, rare, hard to figure out condition and no one would?ve had to feel too guilty for missing it because ? why would you look there? Especially considering all my other health issues.

It could?ve worked out. From where I sit today, I believe I was past the worst of it.

Along with the rest of the inheritance, my parents left me about 400 norco pills. I figured that should be plenty to do the job. Especially since I?m not much of a substance abuser. I?d signed up for medical marijuana (yay!) and I use it for sleep. High is ok, I guess. I can do other things. Those opiates were my escape plan.

I have the perfect set up here. I have the means. I have the space ? I live alone with long stretches of time that no one checks on me. I even threw lots of emotional angsty fits at my husband and friends so they?d hate me a bit and stay away. It?s not like I haven?t thought this through.

I can?t.

That was last January and here I sit in December and circumstances are about to let me go back and reunite with my husband and ? I dunno, live again?

Good. Great news, right? Oh, and why am I in withdrawal if I am ?not much of a substance abuser.? So, being me, I decided I wanted to experiment a bit before I took the big plunge. I?ve been procrastinating for a year. So, I decided that 400 norcos is overkill in the extreme ? I don?t even think I can swallow that many. But, I was curious about the high, the high with cannabis, how specific amounts affected me, when I started to nod, blah, blah, blah. I made myself my own science experiment.

I counted the other day and I?ve taken 145/400 norco pills spread out over the last 12 months. Not exactly heavy use, I?m thinking. Those 145 pills were mostly consumed during the months of June ? November. I think the most I took in one sitting was like 8 pills in a 24/hr period or something ? most at one time 3 pills (5/325). I doubt I?ve managed to do too much to myself with the opiates besides earn a physical withdrawal.
I?m coming off a 12 day binge or so (last dose 2 pills, 8:00 pm, Sat) because my husband comes home this week and I?ve done the physical withdrawal before when he?s come to visit or I go there. I like to get past the sweats, diarrhea, and that awful, nervy angst it brings on before I have to cope with our relationship.

I suppose I may as well admit to myself and the anonymous interwebs that I am not going to off myself this time around. Except, I get these fits lately when I really, Really, REALLY think I might. Which is what brought me here.

I know that opiate withdrawal (especially the 1-3 days) is awful and brings in suicidal ideation. The problem is, I started the drugs because I wanted to commit suicide. Not the other way around! It?s not even that I?m all that committed to living at this moment so much as my window of opportunity has closed (this round, at least). That window is dependent on when I can ensure I have adequate time to not be rescued. If I manage to do this, it won?t be a cry for help.

I just can?t find anyone to TALK to about that. If you talk about suicide they want to talk safety plans. If I bring up the drugs, then it?s an addiction. I?m sorry but I just don?t think so because ? lucky me and I am not being sarcastic ABOUT how lucky I do feel about that ? I am not chasing the high. I am chasing the means to die.

I like being high. It?s fun. My head can be a really cool place when I?m euphoric. In fact, it might be why I?m still alive, actually. I got so distracted that I wasted a YEAR. But, to me, it?s still in that category of fun like going to the zoo, or the beach, or a concert. Heady, fun, and all of that ? but nothing even remotely close to the stories I read on here about people?s desire to do it.

Yes. I know I am lucky.

I figure if I keep experimenting with myself, I might just get to an addiction.

Good news for me, though, is I?m stopping because I?m moving back with my husband. He doesn?t know. Doesn?t suspect. It would be the last thing and I?m the last person. In some weird misplaced sense of honor in me ? I?ll kill myself but I won?t trouble him with this.

I have a few questions if anyone wants to write back.

I figure that I?m past any blood screening. Should be beyond urine screening by the end of the week. The one that worries me is hair. Mostly pre-employment drug screening. I can probably count 90 days and just delay some so that it?s not an issue. Then again, it might be good to focus on something productive. I am still in the old state and not even up to the new state yet. Packing up the house to sell. It?s not like my family will test me ? I just don?t want to get caught.

I?m guessing it?s probably paranoia because I don?t plan to work in sensitive government jobs and I seriously doubt hair testing is common for administrative/management jobs (public or private).

Here I sit. In physical withdrawal. This one isn?t as bad as my August binge. That withdrawal sucked much, much worse. I?ve had the runs but at least there is a break between sessions. Last August, I just decided to light a candle and spend the day sitting on the can playing a game on my phone. I get transient angsty, nervy feelings.

Then, there?s the pull to suicide.

Mostly because I am just so FUCKING tired of trying to pick up the pieces and, my God, I know I am whining because I don?t even have it that bad but I don?t want to do it!

I can?t seem to kill myself, though.

I?m haunted by the thought that in some future time I?ll be kicking myself for not dying when I got sick and for wasting this opportunity. I am TERRIFIED of not having the CHOICE to make it end.

That?s it, right there. I want the choice. I want the choice in what I take into myself ? yes, I accept the consequences. But, if I get control of my life, I want control of whether or not I keep living. I don?t want to die RIGHT NOW. Right now, things suck but they?re a bit better. Hope on the horizon and all that. It?s just I?ve seen the ends of lives. We?re all gonna die someday. I just wonder why we can?t let people just figure it out for themselves.

Maybe, it?s like legalizing pot and people who are allowed to work out in the open will be responsible.

I just want someone to tell me that it?s ok if someday, I no longer want to continue to deal with the pain. Then, it would be so very nice if I could go someplace peaceful and just shuffle off my mortal coil. No one really depends on me for their survival (I?ve seen to that). I?m sure they?ll miss me and all but I am staring down a long, debilitating health road, my friends. It?s nothing even remotely fatal now but my prognosis is not especially grand.

I kinda have this sense that I should off myself pre-emptively just in case they try to make me suffer.

I don?t trust the system. At all. It?s why I?m talking to you.

Our health care system in American is controlling, insulting, aggravating, expensive and utterly USELESS as far as I can tell. At least, for me. I?m sure it works on some level for someone. Our attitudes towards disease and human suffering is ? well, it?s one of the reasons I want to give up all together. It?s all about fault. Fault and then getting help for it that somehow never seems to help. I go to websites looking for advice ? it?s not like many people have my peculiar problem. I don?t want to bother anyone or interfere with the ?real mission? of the places ? they do a necessary job. They aren?t thanked nearly enough.

It?s not the health care providers themselves (dr?s and nurses) ? though to be sure, you meet a few. It?s the way the system is designed. They seem to want you to pay in aggravation, humiliation, discomfort, and (the worst one for me) blind OBEDIANCE. If you aren?t 100% compliant with every little thing they want you to address they don?t want to deal with you. Until I dropped the weight they wouldn?t address any of my other issues.

It?s ridiculous.

I can?t confess to the drugs because no one will ever take me seriously again. I have it hard enough being overweight and diabetic. And, female (not discrimination, so much as more tends to go wrong medically). The reason I almost died 5 years ago was the problem was in my throat where no one was looking. They looked at my weight, my heart, my diabetes, my cholesterol, my fitness level ? not my throat or lungs because I?ve never smoked so it must be some thing I was doing to myself. My doctor and I would just go rounds because I kept telling him I?m short of breath and he keeps wanting me to lose weight and exercise. (And everyone else right along with him)

Our stupid health un-caring system. That, and I have mental health diagnosis (multiple) because over the years I keep taking their wretched advice to go get some help. I?ve done therapy with anti-depressants and that did help with my childhood traumas. See, it does help sometimes! Just not for everything and NOT when it?s very real and true problems you have with a system you have no power to change.

The system, however, has all the power over you.

It can make me suffer.

I?m so terrified.

I don?t want to restart my life and in a year, 5 years, 10 years.. probably won?t make 20 ? but find myself trapped in some excruciating situation where I?ve lost the ability to actually make it stop. This feels to me like yielding control. How has it come to be that the only way I feel I can freely OWN my life is to end it?

Gah.

I go around and around and around with it. But, I can?t commit the act.

So, I?m going to hide the pills again. He goes home after the holidays and I guess I?ll have the bulk of January before I have to dispose of my inherited pills. There won?t be much, if any, use of them between now and then. I think I?ve explored opiate withdrawals enough to convinced me leave the high behind. I have the cannabis for sleep and I like it better.

I?m here because I have no where else to go. I have a few questions but there?s no real urgency to them. Mostly I?m just frustrated at the world.

Thanks for reading.
 
We can't answer any questions about drug testing, however, it sounds like you are struggling psychologically and need a place to vent and for others to offer their support, so I am going to leave this open.
 
Thank you!

A place to vent is exactly what I need. Worst case scenario, I'll just delay for 90 days.

I just don't feel I have anywhere else to say these things. I hurt. I want help - I just want help that ACTUALLY helps.

Help that helps me.

I don't mind if helping me feels good to others. I just don't want others to feel good about helping me when what they are doing is the opposite.

It's so frustrating.
 
Opiate withdrawal: Coping with the bad thoughts/feelings

I?m just past day 3 of opiate withdrawal and here is where it gets hardest for me.

The physical part is easier on me. It?s not pleasant. Just easier to endure because it is less upsetting.

Now the mental part is what I have a hard time coping with. It?s the anxiety. The feelings that nothing can improve. Feeling that life is shit. I can read all about dopamine receptors and letting my brain recover the same way I put up with diarrhea and sweats to detox the rest of me, but the thoughts unnerve me.

These are the same thoughts and feelings that brought me to the drugs in the first place. Now that they?re back is it because I?m in withdrawal? Are they really not real?

:?How can I tell?
 
Top