Just thought I'd share my situation

[Rupert D]

I don't use this place half as much as I'd like which is why I need to stay clean.

Long story short I'm a poly addict of twenty years (drug of choice these days is anything opiate based) who has moved around a lot. I stopped using precisely 15 days ago with the intention of never using again. I hit my rock bottom about three months ago, ended up under the crisis team back in my hometown, worrying all my close friends and family (most of which have absolutely no idea I'm an addict or the extent to which I'm an addict or any real clue what addiction is).

Anyway, drugs came up as a problem during a counselling sesh with the crisis team and they suggested going to a treatment place to speak with them. Did that, realised I have a massive drug problem, became overwhelmed and almost got into rehab before running away and trying to sort my life out independently through continuing NA meetings (fucking amazing), a second treatment place (not that useful as they only have these drop-in sessions which I'm too low in mood to attend) and trying to stick to benzos only.

Obviously the plan didn't work out. Right away I was using anything and everything around the clock, culminating in a final weekend massacre of MDMA, coke, valium, acid, opium, alcohol and fuck knows what else. Collapsed from exhaustion after trippinf for about twenty hours and couldn't get out of bed to order more drugs. Spent the first week battling physical withdrawal, calling up my recovery contacts and then the second week (right up until now) I've had nasty psychological withdrawal. Been pretty suicidal since last Wednesday which is ongoing from early summer when my personal life truly took a nosedive.

I'm now moving back to my hometown on Tuesday on a permanent basis (at least until I sort my shit out) and will be engaging with the people in recovery. But I feel like my life is fucked and I'm wracked with anxiety about it all. I've been isolated for at least the last five years of my using and although I love people, I can't be arsed being around them at the moment. My head is fucked. I just want to lie on my bed, watching crap, eating crap and sleeping which is not an option anymore as I'm flat broke and this is no kind of life.

I also know that while I'm burnt out now, there will come a time when I'll be thinking about using again and then it's the slippery slope to self-destruction. I'm already craving morphine, but know it's a bad idea because nothing works for me anymore and I just end up crashing into anxiety, depression, psychosis, suicidal ideation and paranoia that I'm a shit human being.

Fuck knows if I'll make it to 2019 and, if I do, what it'll look like. I hope I can pull myself together and be a better person.

So that's me.

Merry Christmas.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

How often have you been using opiates? Daily or just like once a week?

 

[cj]

I'm not usually I big proponent of inpatient treatment but it might be good for you. It will give you a place to sort this shit out.

 

[Rupert D]

How often have you been using opiates? Daily or just like once a week?

When I was in my uninterrupted cycle, I was using daily. Then when I went home the cycle got broke up and, owed to circumstances, I switched to benzos which I'm not much of a fan of. But I was taking them to try curb my use as my main focus was on recovery. And then very quickly after returning home, I was burning through all the substances I mentioned above plus some other stuff. Just went off on one although I was desperate even then to stop using.

 

[EPL1]

Hi Rupert, me waving!


I like cj's idea about inpatient. Is there one you could look into?


Your life isn't fucked, you ARE going to make it to 2019 and beyond. You are just going through rough times right now, but they won't be forever ok?


I am proud of you, at least you acknowledge a change needs to be made.

Try to be kind and patient with yourself, and if you need someone to talk to you can feel free to pm me anytime.


You can do this Rupert and we will all be here for you.

Pm me anytime,
big hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[Rupert D]

Hi Rupert, me waving!


I like cj's idea about inpatient. Is there one you could look into?


Your life isn't fucked, you ARE going to make it to 2019 and beyond. You are just going through rough times right now, but they won't be forever ok?


I am proud of you, at least you acknowledge a change needs to be made.

Try to be kind and patient with yourself, and if you need someone to talk to you can feel free to pm me anytime.


You can do this Rupert and we will all be here for you.

Pm me anytime,
big hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Big thanks, Ash. Means a lot that post. You'd make a great sponsor

Yeah, looks like I'm hanging around and moving home after what has been a hellish year. I lost the girl of my dreams, my job etc. and continued to use, rinsing the last of my finances, going out of my mind. I've been unhappy with drugs for at least five years, but honestly wish I stopped using after my first 'summer of love'. Anyway, having been to a lot of meetings and hearing some absolute horror stories, I also know that, while I'm a ridiculously sensitive person, things could've gotten a lot worse. No kids involved and I really want a kid of my own, no criminal record, no irreparable damage to the ones I love. I just have to battle through my own guilt, shame, mental health issues etc. while I try work the program and make amends. Oh, and no relapsing. I at least have it in my head that the lows have been so fucking desperate this year that I can't face anymore of them without serious consequences. I suppose I'm a relatively boring addict, but hopefully from out of that I can rebuild and become a better person than what I've been over the last fifteen years.

If I go into rehab my internet use will reduce but I'll always revisit this place. I have casually visited here for years and years, and now I'm on the other side, it has a whole greater purpose.

Many thanks again, Ash. Likewise, always here.

X

 

[EPL1]

The people I find the most interesting have been the ones that have struggled through something and came out better for it. That will be what happens to you.

Apart from all that you're going through right now, you sound really intelligent and self aware. You also sound like you have a lot going for you, the house, the girl, the kids will come. Right now you work on you.

You're going to be just fine. You've got this.



Thanks for the nice words, I appreciate them.


Update when you can. Really proud of you Rupert. I hope you are of yourself.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Big thanks, Ash. Means a lot that post. You'd make a great sponsor

Yeah, looks like I'm hanging around and moving home after what has been a hellish year. I lost the girl of my dreams, my job etc. and continued to use, rinsing the last of my finances, going out of my mind. I've been unhappy with drugs for at least five years, but honestly wish I stopped using after my first 'summer of love'. Anyway, having been to a lot of meetings and hearing some absolute horror stories, I also know that, while I'm a ridiculously sensitive person, things could've gotten a lot worse. No kids involved and I really want a kid of my own, no criminal record, no irreparable damage to the ones I love. I just have to battle through my own guilt, shame, mental health issues etc. while I try work the program and make amends. Oh, and no relapsing. I at least have it in my head that the lows have been so fucking desperate this year that I can't face anymore of them without serious consequences. I suppose I'm a relatively boring addict, but hopefully from out of that I can rebuild and become a better person than what I've been over the last fifteen years.

If I go into rehab my internet use will reduce but I'll always revisit this place. I have casually visited here for years and years, and now I'm on the other side, it has a whole greater purpose.

Many thanks again, Ash. Likewise, always here.

X

 

[cj]

Try to remember how bad this all feels. I reread my blog sometimes to try and remember how shit my life got when using. I've heard of people writing themselves a letter about why they quit and don't want to go back to using. Just a thought

 

[Rupert D]

Try to remember how bad this all feels. I reread my blog sometimes to try and remember how shit my life got when using. I've heard of people writing themselves a letter about why they quit and don't want to go back to using. Just a thought

Absolutely. It hasn't taken me very long to be among people in recovery to admitting these rock bottoms can't go on. Without meeting other addicts, I would've just carried on and probably died or ended up mental. But this shit has to stop.

17 days clean, just for today...

 

[EPL1]

Great job Rupert! 17 days is awesome, and so are you!!!!


Just try to be kind and patient with yourself and take it day by day. As Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss say in that stupid but funny movie "what about bob", "babysteps" my friend. ; )

Much love and support to you.


Hugs,
here if you need anything,
your friend,
Ash.

Absolutely. It hasn't taken me very long to be among people in recovery to admitting these rock bottoms can't go on. Without meeting other addicts, I would've just carried on and probably died or ended up mental. But this shit has to stop.

17 days clean, just for today...

 

[jasperkent]

Way to go, Rupert! Remember that even one day clean is a huge step-- and stringing a few days together is amazing and something to be really proud of.

As an alcoholic/poly-drug abuser myself who has been in&out of recovery for 30+ years, I've found that the best thing I can do is stay connected with recovering people (and healthy/positive people in general). I cannot do this alone-- if I could, I would have done it a long time ago. To be clear, I am NOT drug-free. I take pain pills for sciatica (not a lot, but I acquire them illegally) and I smoke weed. But I haven't had a drink, used a needle, or snorted anything in over six months. For me, that is a bloody miracle! Also, I am no longer suicidal. Life is pretty good. I am unrecognizable from what I was six months ago: an utterly hopeless wreck. If I can get better, anybody can get better.

Best wishes to you!

Peace&Love,
jasper

"Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Oscar Wilde

 

[Rupert D]

@Ash - many thanks again. I see you do a lot to support people in recovery around here. I hope to do the same and have that as part of my recovery. People like you are rare and much appreciated.

@Jasper - Thanks a mill. This is the longest I've gone in my life with intention. There have been burn outs in the past where I would be recovering from a binge but I'd be constantly thinking about getting the next high. I still have that, but I'm battling with actions.

I agree; I know a few people in recovery where I'm going to live and have kept in touch with them all this time. The treatment place does the 12 steps so I'm going to do that any which way I can and keep this up. I've found that meeting people in recovery was the only thing that worked. I was trying everything else, oblivious to what the problem even was. Counselling, CBT, the crisis team... I was still suicidal. The mental health professionals should be trained to signpost all depressed people who they know are using to people in recovery because if that's where the problem lies, that's the only thing that's going to turn things around. At least in my experience. Recovering addicts are the best counsellors for recovering addicts because they've been there and they know, and they have a lot of love. They keep saying things to me that really hit home. I remember one saying how he thought he was self-medicating mental health issues when he was using and how getting clean made him realise that he's looking down the wrong end of the telescope. That alone contributed to saving my life.

Congrats on your six months of tempering. I know how hard the battle is and if your current consumption is working for you then that's brilliant. I never thought I could ever go clean and sober again; I had to be on something with a month plus of supplies in stock of disassociatives, psychedelics, opiates or I'd be going out of my mind. But I've done quite a radical turn around since meeting other addicts and I've admitted that I'm the sort of addict who could start with just a beer or two and within a month I'll be right back in a hole, getting as far away from here as possible. And with each time I relapse, I get worse and worse. When the one man party is over, those lows aren't sustainable anymore. So I know sobriety is for me or there's always the chance it'll escalate and before I know it I'll be dead because, like all of us, I just can't stop. And left to my own devices, I'll just convince myself that there's another substance out there that'll be the one. And then I'll be back on strong opiates within a week.

But for those of us who need something and that's working then I'm happy that your comfortable. I have enough experience with drugs and addiction to know that some of us need something and if that something is preventing a catastrophe then that's a positive in this world. Clean or not, it's all about being well. We can reach that in different ways.

Much love.x

[EDIT: I'll update this in the future when there's news]

 

[EPL1]

Thanks sweetheart. I feel like I belong here, which may seem odd, since I don't have addiction issues. But I have chronic pain, and I struggle with that, everyday. So I know what's it's like to feel hopeless, judged and struggling. I have a lot in common with people here.

I love all you guys and want the best for all of us.

Much love Rupert.

How are you doing today?

xo Ash.

@Ash - many thanks again. I see you do a lot to support people in recovery around here. I hope to do the same and have that as part of my recovery. People like you are rare and much appreciated.

@Jasper - Thanks a mill. This is the longest I've gone in my life with intention. There have been burn outs in the past where I would be recovering from a binge but I'd be constantly thinking about getting the next high. I still have that, but I'm battling with actions.

I agree; I know a few people in recovery where I'm going to live and have kept in touch with them all this time. The treatment place does the 12 steps so I'm going to do that any which way I can and keep this up. I've found that meeting people in recovery was the only thing that worked. I was trying everything else, oblivious to what the problem even was. Counselling, CBT, the crisis team... I was still suicidal. The mental health professionals should be trained to signpost all depressed people who they know are using to people in recovery because if that's where the problem lies, that's the only thing that's going to turn things around. At least in my experience. Recovering addicts are the best counsellors for recovering addicts because they've been there and they know, and they have a lot of love. They keep saying things to me that really hit home. I remember one saying how he thought he was self-medicating mental health issues when he was using and how getting clean made him realise that he's looking down the wrong end of the telescope. That alone contributed to saving my life.

Congrats on your six months of tempering. I know how hard the battle is and if your current consumption is working for you then that's brilliant. I never thought I could ever go clean and sober again; I had to be on something with a month plus of supplies in stock of disassociatives, psychedelics, opiates or I'd be going out of my mind. But I've done quite a radical turn around since meeting other addicts and I've admitted that I'm the sort of addict who could start with just a beer or two and within a month I'll be right back in a hole, getting as far away from here as possible. And with each time I relapse, I get worse and worse. When the one man party is over, those lows aren't sustainable anymore. So I know sobriety is for me or there's always the chance it'll escalate and before I know it I'll be dead because, like all of us, I just can't stop. And left to my own devices, I'll just convince myself that there's another substance out there that'll be the one. And then I'll be back on strong opiates within a week.

But for those of us who need something and that's working then I'm happy that your comfortable. I have enough experience with drugs and addiction to know that some of us need something and if that something is preventing a catastrophe then that's a positive in this world. Clean or not, it's all about being well. We can reach that in different ways.

Much love.x

[EDIT: I'll update this in the future when there's news]

 

[Rupert D]

Thanks sweetheart. I feel like I belong here, which may seem odd, since I don't have addiction issues. But I have chronic pain, and I struggle with that, everyday. So I know what's it's like to feel hopeless, judged and struggling. I have a lot in common with people here.

I love all you guys and want the best for all of us.

Much love Rupert.

How are you doing today?

xo Ash.

Apologies for the delay. I'm on day 24 and I'm clucking for some strong opiates which will just lead me to carnage. But the craving is unreal. I'm going to talk to some recovery friends later today and see what happens. Funny how cycles of addiction work for me. Going through withdrawal, I was convinced that I would be giving up, but after a week of getting through the worst of it, I just want to go harder than ever. But the tiny rational part of my brain knows that once the one man party is over, I'm going to be even more devastated with myself and feeling emotionally raw.

I'll keep battling away for now, try and get my 30 day keyring. I also didn't think ahead how this is the worst time of the year to abstain.

If I can get to January then I'll be in a good place. If I don't, I'll be completely screwed.

Hope you are well, Ash.

X

 

[jdfisse]

Today is, and always will be, the absolute best day to be clean! Every experience I make it through clean is another nugget of hope that I can reference. I am glad you are making some recovery connections.

 

[jasperkent]

I've found that cravings subside considerably with time. You're doing great. Keep it up!


Peace&Love,
jasper


​I never woke up in the morning wishing I'd gotten drunk the night before.

 

[EPL1]

Hi Rupert!!! Me waving!!

You can do this Rupert, I can totally see you getting that 30 day key ring. Just take it day by day. Come here and talk to us if you're struggling or just want to talk.

I'm always here for you, you have a friend in me.

Really proud of you honey and I hope your holidays were good. Thank you for wishing me well, thank you for thinking of me, I appreciate you.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Apologies for the delay. I'm on day 24 and I'm clucking for some strong opiates which will just lead me to carnage. But the craving is unreal. I'm going to talk to some recovery friends later today and see what happens. Funny how cycles of addiction work for me. Going through withdrawal, I was convinced that I would be giving up, but after a week of getting through the worst of it, I just want to go harder than ever. But the tiny rational part of my brain knows that once the one man party is over, I'm going to be even more devastated with myself and feeling emotionally raw.

I'll keep battling away for now, try and get my 30 day keyring. I also didn't think ahead how this is the worst time of the year to abstain.

If I can get to January then I'll be in a good place. If I don't, I'll be completely screwed.

Hope you are well, Ash.

X

 

[Rupert D]

Hi Rupert!!! Me waving!!

You can do this Rupert, I can totally see you getting that 30 day key ring. Just take it day by day. Come here and talk to us if you're struggling or just want to talk.

I'm always here for you, you have a friend in me.

Really proud of you honey and I hope your holidays were good. Thank you for wishing me well, thank you for thinking of me, I appreciate you.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Day 25 and relapsed.

I ended up getting ill with a cold and falling out with my mum. Did a runner back to my place, hit the alcohol and then was trying to score crack and heroin on the journey home. Didn't get any so put an order in online and the first thing to arrive was the acid. Hit that and tripped out. Got through the hump and the itch had gone. Called up rehab and begged for a place. Call went well. Hopefully will get in and then turn this around. I think rehab is all that's left. Nothing else is working. NA meetings are great, but when there's no program to keep you on the straight and narrow, you'll eventually just find an excuse to run and relapse. I've been reading the basic text and it resonates, but I need to live the program now.

Fortunately I've not hit the benzos or opiates this time so I'm not mentally despairing like after my last relapse. I have way more focus now; I know how unwell this is making me and how death is a possibility now.

What broke me? Just the erratic, irrational desire to escape regardless of the consequences. The consequences have been relatively minimal this time but could've been fatal. Still have a mountain to climb but at least there's a mountain.

 

[EPL1]

Great attitude Rupert.

Onward and Upward. You faltered momentarily, but so does everyone. To err is human.


I'm glad you are looking into rehabs now, and you see where things COULD have taken you. I don't want that for you and I know you don't either.

Keep your head up, you are living to fight another day. Things will get better.,Here for you anytime, pm if you ever feel the need too.

Much love Rupert, I'm proud of you.

PS, I'm sorry that happened with your momma, how are things now?

your friend,
Ash.

Day 25 and relapsed.

I ended up getting ill with a cold and falling out with my mum. Did a runner back to my place, hit the alcohol and then was trying to score crack and heroin on the journey home. Didn't get any so put an order in online and the first thing to arrive was the acid. Hit that and tripped out. Got through the hump and the itch had gone. Called up rehab and begged for a place. Call went well. Hopefully will get in and then turn this around. I think rehab is all that's left. Nothing else is working. NA meetings are great, but when there's no program to keep you on the straight and narrow, you'll eventually just find an excuse to run and relapse. I've been reading the basic text and it resonates, but I need to live the program now.

Fortunately I've not hit the benzos or opiates this time so I'm not mentally despairing like after my last relapse. I have way more focus now; I know how unwell this is making me and how death is a possibility now.

What broke me? Just the erratic, irrational desire to escape regardless of the consequences. The consequences have been relatively minimal this time but could've been fatal. Still have a mountain to climb but at least there's a mountain.

 

[jasperkent]

Relapse is more common than not. Just keep trying.

Peace&Love,
jasper

​"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." -- Winston Churchill