Everything feels pointless

[Solipsis]

Hi TDS

I have only been here on rare occasions.. Now not destroying my life anymore with poly drug addiction stints, thankfully.

But i feel very stuck and unmotivated. Because of autism and ADD i have to compensate a lot to "act normal" and function, barely.
Mostly what it does is make my handicaps invisible so there is little understanding.

Everything is such a struggle and I have given up temporarily.. Just feel drained and I can't handle anymore the fact that everything escalates and I can't keep up.

Yeah i drink too much and smoke weed but usually get an aversion after a while and stop again.

My dexamph and pregabalin script help me to have something of a normal life and behavior and i dont take high dosages of the dex at all but i still feel drained overall and im just stuck, stay home with depressive symptoms and charging my battery is a challenge in itself.

How do you get willpower, courage and motivation back?

 

[Mafioso]

I think motivation has a lot to do with goals. It's hard to push yourself if you don't know what you are aiming for. The goals don't have to be specific goals, but you have to be able to figure out specifically what you can do each day to get closer to those goals. For example, if the goal is vague like "be in better shape", then there is a lot you can do each day to be getting there. For more vague goals you need to make a subset of very specific goals that can be achieved in days, weeks, or months. Things like run each day, 100 push ups per day, don't each junk food, eat a certain amount of calories of specific foods, lose 10 lbs, and so on. These goals serve as markers so you can track your progress and make sure you are heading in the right direction.

And honestly a lot of courage seems to stem from accomplishments. Knowing your abilities as well as your limits, then having something to fight for, like a goal.

And to be honest, you'll probably get a lot more willpower back if you get off all the drugs. I know it's probably a struggle to be autistic, but tbh I don't think it justifies drug use. I just learned the Jerry Seinfield has terrible aspergers and enjoyed spending time alone working on his projects rather than socializing in big groups. There is nothing wrong with being different.. just be true to yourself and appreciate those accept you for who you really are. Don't waste your time worrying about the rest.

As someone who loves weed, it's definitely not helping things like apathy, lack of motivation, and depressive symptoms. Are you thinking about quitting at all? or is that an option in your mind even?

 

[Solipsis]

Hey Mafioso

thanks for your reply

I know about goals and how important they are especially if you are in recovery (i guess i am not really in addiction recovery anymore tho). And I do have goals, but the problem is more that I am very frustrated about them.

I'm continuously confused about my accomplishments or competence because on the one hand I am multi-talented and gifted but on the other hand my mental problems screw up a lot of it one way or another and I have not been able to turn any of my talents into something professional so far; it's bad especially since I have no real external structure which is something I really need (structure and clarity). It's very hard for me to have a good overview of what I am doing and where it leads, leading to the experience of so many separate failures that I don't know anymore how to pick my battles.

I'm fine with being different or autistic, it is just a major struggle to not get clarity about my perspective and not getting proper help/chances or recognition - and it's been going on for years now. I'm not interested in justifying my drug use either way, but lately it's clear that what triggers or leads me to drinking and stuff is my battery just feeling empty. I know that it doesn't help but when my battery is empty I feel like I stop being able to care about something like that.
The differences between people on the spectrum can be big / highly variable and comparisons rarely help.

I have in fact been fighting hard to get shit together including starting my own small company, growing fungi and researching biomaterials. I haven't really started yet with the company that is for january 1st... Nevertheless I am exhausted and disappointed in all efforts to have an okay and stable life. And I don't feel like I have much to show for it. I've had a burnout before years ago and it's not feeling good to just be so tired and fed up. I waste a lot of mental energy just for basic functioning so I am often left with little energy and focus that I actually spend on my work/projects, especially lately.
The drinking is just a symptom of my despondency, although it can contribute I don't think it caused it.

Don't know about quitting on the long term, on the short term I can manage and am sober since like 2 days, I ran out of beer and weed and am not really interested in getting more at the moment.
To quit and start trying all that bullshit again I do need some energy and motivation so I guess I need some kind of plan to first wait out the most of the detrimental effects and change my routine of hanging in front of PC or movies, hopefully do some hiking and playing a lot of piano. However I will be drinking socially during Christmas - I am not *that* much of an alcoholic - so my main goal for next week(s) is to keep any use reasonable so that at least it won't be the main reason why I stay stuck in this place feeling like shit.

I am not sure/confident about having to keep struggling and keep getting overloaded in various ways and then not drinking or smoking at all anymore to help soothe me. Because I basically have to overstep my boundaries to achieve things, and if I wouldn't do that I know I get extremely frustrated about not using my talents and interests etc. There are just limits to what I can take and my options often all feel fucked. But I do know I'd rather keep trying (even if it means overstepping boundaries) and dying young than living a longer life that is maybe more responsible in terms of health and boundaries/limits.

(I don't really have to look for work right now because low level jobs would likely make me waste away and high level jobs aren't easy to find or get. It's one of the things I am thankful for though, that at least they aren't forcing me do things I can't handle. Besides: they (municipality) are enthousiastic about my entrepeneuring plans even though they are generally kinda worthless and mostly waste a lot of my time.

I'm aware of plenty of theory on addiction and recovery and psycho-therapies and CBT and stuff.. i just really need someone to talk to about this. Do you have any experience with some problems I mentioned? I can use advice beyond the alcohol/drug stuff.

 

[Mafioso]

What problems are you asking about specifically? I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote, and my original response was largely to your question about getting " courage, willpower and motivation back". The thing is that you are taking drugs that are known to remove these qualities from the individual who takes them, and you are nothing special or different in this regard. What it is doing to you on a physiological level is going to be inhibiting you from the goals you originally mentioned.

There are definitely other things you can do, but getting off those drugs will likely be the one thing that will have the biggest impact, and not doing so will make having any progress extremely difficult. Things like discipline, making very specific goals and sticking to them, are vague and if your getting drunk and stoned all the time then it's probably useless advice. If you want to run your own business then you'll have to manage to figure all that out on your own. Part of being a business owner is being a self-starter... if you can't manage that then maybe the best thing you can do is humble yourself a bit and take one of those "low level" jobs you deem yourself above. Working a shitty job should give you plenty of motivation to get after starting your own business, and if it's really mindless then you'll have plenty of time to think and plan out your next move, while also having an income to supplement your next ambitions.


"I am not sure/confident about having to keep struggling and keep getting overloaded in various ways and then not drinking or smoking at all anymore to help soothe me." This statement, and the following paragraph is very telling... I think most everyone who has had problems with drugs can relate to it. It's one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, and one of the hardest things to convince yourself of is that you are strong enough to manage without the drugs. In fact, you're stronger and more capable without them.

I want to point out what appears to me to be some contradictions in your thinking..
"I'm continuously confused about my accomplishments or competence because on the one hand I am multi-talented and gifted but on the other hand my mental problems screw up a lot of it one way or another..." - stating you are unsure of your abilities and place in society
" it's bad especially since I have no real external structure which is something I really need" - stating you are in need of help for structure
"It's very hard for me to have a good overview of what I am doing and where it leads" - stating you are in need of guidance or leadership
"t is just a major struggle to not get clarity about my perspective and not getting proper help/chances or recognition" - stating you need help again, but also seeming to equate help with chances for recognition.
"I have in fact been fighting hard to get shit together including starting my own small company, growing fungi and researching biomaterials." - stating you have been working very hard to start your own company
"I haven't really started yet with the company that is for january 1st... Nevertheless I am exhausted and disappointed in all efforts to have an okay and stable life." - stating you haven't really started yet but you are already exhausted and disappointed in your efforts
"change my routine of hanging in front of PC or movies,hopefully do some hiking and playing a lot of piano" - stating you need to change habits, be more productive. Also mentioned burnout previously.

I'm not trying to nit-pick, but there seems to be this back and forth throughout the entire message of wanting independence and recognition for your skill and work while simultaneously demanding help, expressing need to change habits, and asking for ways to be more motivated. There is a major contradiction there that I think should be humbly considered... it doesn't really make sense to be asking for help and recognition of skill at the same time... that sort of sounds like ego gone unchecked to me... also, if you think you have worked yourself to the point of burnout then you probably shouldn't be unsure of your skill and accomplishments. If you've truly been putting in the hours then accomplishments will essentially be a reflection of skill. If you're constantly coming up empty handed then the logical conclusion would be that you are not skilled at what you are trying to do. Maybe you have skill, or potential to be highly skilled at something, but in general the results are a reflection of skill, and results are generated by the work we put in.

For instance, playing the piano.. one wouldn't be considered highly skilled if one can't play any songs, although one might have great potential and learn very quickly, this potential is not considered skill until the necessary work has been put in to convert the potential to skill.

Statements like "I will be drinking socially during Christmas - I am not *that* much of an alcoholic" are justifications of use, and denial of problem. Or at the very least, minimization of the problem because you follow that statement with "o keep any use reasonable so that at least it won't be the main reason why I stay stuck in this place feeling like shit." which at least shows some recognition of the problem, stating that you recognize it does contribute to some of the problem, also stating the necessity to control a potentially problematic behavior.


I'm honestly not trying to attack you personally. There are a lot of these contradictions though throughout... even the way you ask for help is contradictive.. saying you are aware of all that I have brought up but you don't think it's relevant, yet then you go and ask for my advice on the problems that you mentioned... so it's confusing because you disregard my advice in one breath and ask for it in the next.

My advice not concerning drug use... humble yourself and check you ego. Start journaling and take note of cognitive dissonances, work on unifying conflicting thoughts like "I don't really have to look for work right now because low level jobs would likely make me waste away and high level jobs aren't easy to find or get". Ask yourself if you are just using these types of statements to justify useless behavior, or as a way to get out of work. Ask yourself if these are truly unique struggles or something that most everyone must go through. Ask yourself if making statements like that lead to thoughts like "...my options often all feel fucked". Ask yourself if there are things you are taking for granted or overlooking.

I could sit here and point out things all day long, but unless you discover them for yourself my words and advice will probably have no real implication on your life.

 

[aihfl]

Hi Solipsis, sorry to come to the conversation late, but I am also on the autism spectrum and have ADHD. I was diagnosed in my early 40s and it was a relief to finally know that I'm not just a "weird dude." My job involves a lot of reading and crunching statistics, so low dose Adderall helps me out as well. I'm disinclined to abuse it anyway, but I only take it on workdays and only one if I'm only working a half day (I get IR). I had been called out multiple times in the past for making careless mistakes and it's really helped me a lot.

I got a lot of my autism spectrum issues worked out without knowing I had it. Don't get me wrong, it's still a challenge to deal with my agoraphobic tendencies, social phobias and to do basic things like look people in the eye when I speak to them, but given my complete and utter lack of social graces when I left home to go to college, I'm a lot more "normal" than I was 25-30 years ago. And none of this was ever diagnosed as a kid because when I was in elementary school in the late 1970s-early 1980s, these disorders didn't exist in the minds of most school administrators. You were just a bad kid. And my mother, who has severe untreated psychological and psychiatric issues herself, lived in denial.

And I completely agree with Mafioso about cutting out the booze and weed. You sound as if you're already in a negative feedback loop and both of those substances (one being a depressant and the other having some characteristics of a depressant) are going to make breaking the cycle more difficult.

You didn't mention ADs in your post. Have you considered them? A rehab psychiatrist put me on Celexa. I resisted it at first insisting I wasn't depressed, but he asked me to consider if perhaps I had felt so bad for so long that I didn't know what it was to feel good. I agreed to try it when he said he'd taper them off during outpatient aftercare if I didn't notice any difference during the four weeks I was in residential. I did in fact feel better after a few weeks in a way that's difficult to describe. I told one friend I felt something was different, but I couldn't say how or what it was. But when I didn't feel like utter shit about myself and the world around me, my need to self-medicate with alcohol evaporated. I never did have any of the unpleasant side effects of ADs, though, so I am biased in favor.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Hey man, I can relate in some respects. I am still going through the polydrug abuse but it is down to xanax and weed. Opiates were the obsession and it has been a year.

I am lost and confused, like I forgot how to tie my shoes. Like I am foreign to this world, an alien. About "acting normal" I am often finding myself in social situations having full blown panic attacks and trying to keep my cool. The understanding is so minimal it frustrates me because my disability is chronic pain as well and I am rather young to have it. I find that I am discriminated against because of it and that these problems not withstanding the drugs have held my life up a decade at this point.

Dude, I am asking myself the exact same question. I need courage. I need motivation. I need strength. I need energy. I need initiative. I need to be on the go all the time but I find myself getting hardly much done and being depressed. I'm doing a lot of yoga and it helps and so does eating right but only so much can be done it seems. I'm so lost I don't know if I'll ever find my way back.

All I need at this point is that confidence, that faith in myself. Everything else is set in place and involves extreme effort. I am wondering why I am finding it so hard to do the easy part - laze around writing cover letters and applying for jobs. I mean I haven't been ready but Ive been clean a year apart from the mana and like it's when... like how can this not make you anxious as well man I'm having panic attacks all the time.

I stopped taking psychedelics this year. It's not the right time. I don't know man. I don't know what to say but I wish you all the best. Good on you for stopping the polydrug abuse. It sounds like you just need to keep refining your healthy lifestyle. Problem for me is when I lose the energy to even give a shit about taking care of myself anymore. I think it will go away in time and with effort to be aware and understand.

 

[Rupert D]

17 days clean, the longest I've gone with intention, mostly opiates over the last 8 years, and I'm as flat as a witch's tit right now. I've spent the last two plus weeks bedridden when I should be preparing my belongings for a move back home. I can't concentrate on anything other than shit YouTube videos and my sleeping pattern is fucked. The last few days I've been mostly suicidal, but I'm riding it out as my circumstances are getting shaken up very soon and I'm determined to do the 12 steps as I need to sort this shit out.

Not going to lecture on a drugs forum, but you mention weed and beer and medication for your mental health condition. This combo is going to demotivate you. I'm absolutely not suggesting abstinence; that's up to you and it seems you are fine with your intake of substances. Regardless, I'd say to go a few weeks taking prescribed medication as prescribed, and then see where you're at. Alternatively, if tat isn't for you, Mafioso pointed this out so I'm really just reiterating what they said to emphasise that while you're taking substances, you're going to be derailed a little.

The only other thing is to make lifestyle adjustments. You're an adult and I'm no lifestyle coach so I'll leave it there!

Good luck with getting motivated, mate. Let's pray 2019 brings good shit for the BL community.

 

[theMerovingian]

God I know that feeling. Every day I live I can go through feeling empty and lacking of any hope. I suppose you need to keep the faith. If you let yuorself drop off for too long and stare into the abyss for too long then you know where next you'll be heading.

Plan and set goals for 2019 now and you know take each small step. Never lose hope.
Wish you and everyone else all the best for the new year.

Peace.

 

[Asclepius]

Hi TDS

I have only been here on rare occasions.. Now not destroying my life anymore with poly drug addiction stints, thankfully.

But i feel very stuck and unmotivated. Because of autism and ADD i have to compensate a lot to "act normal" and function, barely.
Mostly what it does is make my handicaps invisible so there is little understanding.

Everything is such a struggle and I have given up temporarily.. Just feel drained and I can't handle anymore the fact that everything escalates and I can't keep up.

Yeah i drink too much and smoke weed but usually get an aversion after a while and stop again.

My dexamph and pregabalin script help me to have something of a normal life and behavior and i dont take high dosages of the dex at all but i still feel drained overall and im just stuck, stay home with depressive symptoms and charging my battery is a challenge in itself.

Nice one, Solopsis. :D
How do you get willpower, courage and motivation back?

All this 'normal' conception would demotivate anyone - yeah, you have to pretent to fit-in to a bullshit game, but I rekon the challenge is not losing yourself in the process. Personally, I get angry at the actual bullshit; as distinct from the bullshit you are funneled into being angry about - many many boundaries and MUCH space is required. Pseudo-motivation is a weak, pointless endeavour imho, the world is going to hell in a handbasket - its a balance of being mad enough to challenge it and sober enough to talk to your way through the disingenuousness -esss -sssss. A strong mind, a decent camoflouge and a decent spirit.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey Solipsis, I just noticed you posted this. Knowing you, it's clear to me you're very talented. I think that perhaps the problem is that having talent, and even producing quality results, is different from finding material success. For example, I devoted most of my time and energy into painting for a few years. I even started selling my art at an outdoor market 3 or 4 evenings a week and reached out to galleries, and made a little money. But ultimately I moved away from it because it was too difficult and I wanted to focus on other things. It's not that I'm not talented, or even that I didn't work hard. It's that, at some point, I lost focus and drive and gave up, I got discouraged. And I even took actual steps... sometimes things feel very difficult and even those first steps of reaching out into the world and not just doing it for yourself are never taken, or never followed through with.

I think the best thing you could do, aside from cutting out the alcohol and likely the weed (I know you're prescribed the others and we've discussed how you feel they truly help you so I won't go there) (but certainly the alcohol as you probably know - I'm struggling with the same thing but feel like I've finally made headway after this Christmas holiday), is to set small, sequential, concrete goals. Decide you're going to do something today, but make it simple, such as "I will reach out to so and so" or "I will work on my project for 2 hours". When your goals are large and undefined ("be successful", "make a living doing what I love"), they feel unachievable and exhausting. But if you make small goals and reach them one at a time, you will make progress, and over time you will grow into a new role or pursuit organically.

 

[Speed King]

Try not looking for anything. You may do better.

 

[Solipsis]

Thanks you guys it warms my heart to hear your thoughts.

I'm doing a bit better now and had a good xmas with family..

What shadow / X says hits one of the marks which is the discrepancy between being talented but failing a lot in practice because of bullshit you could call handicaps or sensitivities which are just part of reality: the chaotic nature of it... overthinking things so much and not being able to stop, mostly. I am listening to talks from Alan Watts and Jordan Peterson and they do make me feel better, they actually offer insights and answers which calm me down. I quit zen a while ago cause it just wasn't achieving anything like that for me anymore.

I have to say as well that I can sometimes just panic, by that I don't mean that I am "being a pussy" but instead I take on too much (not having good overviews of what I am getting into) and I fight way too hard to try to be "normal" and at times become very exhausted from this. So again this discrepancy of perfectionism and never wanting to acknowledge my reality of being handicapped. My abilities are extremely circumstantial: sometimes, and this happens often enough, I display extraordinary abilities and they quite unavoidably raise expectations, but the rest of the time I can be struggling with stupid mundane shit and have a low tolerance for frustrations of which I must go through countless instances to achieve stuff.
(When I say 'I panic', let me just say again that this doesn't happen easily and it really is a sign of deep exhaustion and desperation and definitely not emotional volatility)
But I am just very annoyed that I can't make my giftedness work because of everything 'inbetween', that just feels like a horrible cosmic joke. It's tantalizing.

As such I never know where I land and where my true limits lie if only I am able to find the right recipe through the bullshit.

@ Speed King: lately as a result of panicking / breaking down / exhaustion, I've been trying to switch rigorously to a sort of constructive apathy: to try not to really care all that much about anything to compensate for caring way too much about everything I try. It is one of the few ways I can see out of my recent hole and works for the most part but is also kind of depressing. And I know I would rather keep struggling to either realize some of my (promising) potentials or to truly find where my limits lie so that I can rest easy. I feel like if I don't, I give up and it would basically be a choice for personal freedom with all the creative hobbyism and shit that comes along, but giving up at least for the time being, on achievements which involve a place in society not to mention possibly having a little money to spend actually etc.

I don't care about the weed and alcohol during the holidays but am confident that I can make changes after that, especially since responsibilities and opportunities are coming up.

@ X: thanks for the tips, making my goals more manageable is definitely something I should work on!

@ All: I agree, the beer and weed and interactions with the medication and drugs (aside from psychedelics which for me are pretty much either very therapeutic or duds these days, so I count them out of narcotics)... it's not doing me any favors. The holidays and the temporary 'giving up' / exhaustion stuff just make it unrealistic to work hard on this, but I know myself and I can do it now that I have much to gain from *finally* getting to work for real.

J. Peterson said that it's extremely hard or impossible to help someone who suffers from too many of a set of issues like having no job, no purpose, drug problems and a couple more of such things... because everytime you try to try to wrestle free from one or two of them, the pressure of the other one(s) gets you back down to the same spot again.

I also know from experience that you can work on finding a purpose relatively independently, it's just been exhausting to translate it to a job as well and businesses and bureaucratics are just a drag that get you down...

But there is a way out.

@ Shroomy: I'm sorry you are in that spot, man.. I have been dependent on benzos too and they are so much more serious than weed at least in certain terms of physical dependency vs mental. I also know that drugs like benzos and opioids can erode your willpower and strenght very hard and atrophy you. At some point it was just so difficult that I had to get help and went internal to get off the benzos. I appreciate (realize) that where I was able to do this was relatively speaking a resort compared to some hardcore detox programs you find everywhere, full of junkies etc. All I'm saying is: it was a more peaceful situation although i did get into a beef with a guy who challenged me.

So: I can't say for you if your options of detox are as good as the one i had, but just my insight about not being able to actually go through the WDs and all (i still had a job at the time and they were not understanding because i couldnt be honest)... sometimes you just need help.

@ aihfl: I have only ever been on mirtazapine which did work alright during that time but after a year I was completely fed up with the akathisia. I hate the idea of SSRI's and won't go on them unless I am really a danger to myself or something (at which point the transition would of course be especially tricky). Maybe a low dosage seroquel would fit me better, for that time being.

Everyone is welcome to contact me, but you especially. I don't mean to identify and back us up into some victimized corner but just to exchange experiences. Similarly I have been in mensa just for a very short while but they completely ignored me when i moved and repeatedly asked to be introduced in some way or another... the point being (sorry) that yeah it is a relief sometimes to be able to relate to people better.

I hope you guys are ok during the holiday season... i wish you much strength and love, and the (sometimes inexplicable, if you get me) courage to wait it all out or see it through.

 

[Ziiirp]

Hi TDS

I have only been here on rare occasions.. Now not destroying my life anymore with poly drug addiction stints, thankfully.

But i feel very stuck and unmotivated. Because of autism and ADD i have to compensate a lot to "act normal" and function, barely.
Mostly what it does is make my handicaps invisible so there is little understanding.

Everything is such a struggle and I have given up temporarily.. Just feel drained and I can't handle anymore the fact that everything escalates and I can't keep up.

Yeah i drink too much and smoke weed but usually get an aversion after a while and stop again.

My dexamph and pregabalin script help me to have something of a normal life and behavior and i dont take high dosages of the dex at all but i still feel drained overall and im just stuck, stay home with depressive symptoms and charging my battery is a challenge in itself.

How do you get willpower, courage and motivation back?

If I were you I would focus on one addiction (i.e. the most profitable/the least damaging one) at a time in this hell we are in. At least that is what I am pursuing. If I'd walk in your shoes, I'd totally give up on anything else than the Dex.

Autism basically means, that you have (allegedly certified) deficits in perceiving your environment in a way, so that you cannot integrate beneficially according to the common good of your social environment. BUT, in my opinion, if that environment is deeply corrupted there is just no motif for integrating into that social/politically orchestrated rollercoaster. Everyone struggles, but Ethanol or GABA a/b - agonists/releasers always make it worse. And addictions to the latter also are lethal to your social equilibrium much earlier than to your physical body. Don't take drugs to please anybody but your own ideal self. That does not mean, you should totally give up on compassion/charitable actions but taking drugs in order to fit in never worked for me. On the sideline, taking a downer/ to better endure the unpreventable visit of an "intruder" (on christmas it happens more likely) is beneficial imho, because then you won't waste too much of your precious energy in pleasing that kind of entity. Naturally it would be suggested to completely break up contact with those kinds of toxic perpetrators (unconscious intruders).

It is all subjective but once in a while you have to realize, that not always you are the one who has to initiate measures/actions/taking mind altering substances in order to fit into a society, that is corrupted to the core, but the others are the ones, who have to fucking reconsider the thought of taking away your freedom of self development in order to fill their personal emotional gaps.

Long story short. If I would be your handler, I'd suggest to throw anything but the Dex away and urge you to practice 30min-1h of meditation sessions twice daily.

Life sucks, but with ignorant + unconscious (bad combo) people around you it does even more.