Howsway
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2018
- Messages
- 205
Greetings, who would?ve thought posting a simple blog on a forum would be so challenging yet impactful to where I?m at today. A little about why I joined in the first place: I?ve always been a square growing up in terms of trying alcohol or drugs like I?m talking about the typical band nerd star Student since the third grade. I didn?t even drink or try anything until college let alone anything in the ?hard? drugs until junior year of college when i first got introduced to coke by a shitty ex. I never really got into it as much beyond with occasions of our short lived destruction of a relationship.
This is because where I grew up in a small city in the inland empire, no one ever talked about stuff like that. Like anything harder than weed my friends would just say you?re a crackhead even if it?s not crack lol again, I was a super square. This is also because I have a personal attachment to drugs because I was adopted when I was two but in the system since I was a baby and my biological mom was addicted to crack while she was pregnant and homeless with me. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a great single Mom who raised six kids five of which were all adopted and I made something of myself. I worked my ass off since I was a kid had a job at 11, sold candy bars to be in band and worked four jobs to afford to pay for college. I have my bachelors degree and now I?m in law school entering my first year. I?m 23 years old and on the surface everyone looks up to me and sees me as someone who has their shit together and think I?m intelligent etc and maybe I am but I certainly don?t believe it.
on the inside, I?ve been screaming for years, since I was a little girl. I think Law school has broughtt these issues up as you?re in a mental prism with yourself and it?s a different type of pressure. Like I?ve been homless before in undergrad starving etc that shit is easy but now it?s a different type of beat and if you aren?t in the rite state of mind you?ll get swallowed up.
Im posting because I feel like no one understand what the heck I?m trying to say. I?m not okay and I haven?t been for a while. I was abused as little kid once by mom(foster mom) friends son I think he was 19 I?m not sure how old I was maybe 5 and again throughout a series of years with close neighbors we called cousins. The most fucked up thing about it is that no one in my family knows and I don?t ever want to tell them especially my mom. She?s sacrificed her entire life to help us and I don?t want her to think she didn?t try or do the best she could because it was not her fault . I actually buried that away and forgot until freshman year of college and it has crept back up each year after.
My currnet drug of infliction is meth. Now how the hell did I get into this, another ex. Only he was actually a great guy and one day I was homless camping in my car and he decided to come with me so I didn?t have to be alone. I had no idea he even did shit like that and turns out he got it from our hometown! I didn?t know this at the time but he had did it straight for a year first occasionally for working in warehouses and then consistently only he quit cold turkey and now only does it when we were together.
Because of this, he just tells me its all about self control self control like it?s a button I can just push and receive as if he didn?t struggle with the mental process of it all. But I get it, some people can handle it better than others.
we only would do it maybe once or twice a month just to camp out in my car and escape the world for a minute. Only the last time I had to go back for school and we had a lot left over so I bought my first pipe and took half. Mistake #1. I ended up having a good control the first week only using it after class and no more than three four hits everubkther day to just focus on my homework. Then that week when I ran out I ended up getting $40 worth. I?m a newb so I have no idea how much that is but it was definitely a lot for me.
Fast forward to now, where I took my first final and half way through I felt like passing out. I think I?ve been smoking this shit for two almost three weeks now with one day off after telling myself I?d stop until after finals. I can see how this shit is addicting and it just manifests in you to where it doesn?t seem like excuses. I?m pretty sure I?ve lost a shit ton of weight, I?m constantly thinking my teeth will fall out or my gums are being destroyed it?s a mess and once I?m done with this left I?m not picking it up again. That?s the goal anyways.
This is a shit long intro my bad guys. But if you wanna hear more about me message me or reply. I?d love to talk to someone because I feel alone In this. I know I can still turn things around, just wanted to introduce myself. Sorry again for the length
This is because where I grew up in a small city in the inland empire, no one ever talked about stuff like that. Like anything harder than weed my friends would just say you?re a crackhead even if it?s not crack lol again, I was a super square. This is also because I have a personal attachment to drugs because I was adopted when I was two but in the system since I was a baby and my biological mom was addicted to crack while she was pregnant and homeless with me. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a great single Mom who raised six kids five of which were all adopted and I made something of myself. I worked my ass off since I was a kid had a job at 11, sold candy bars to be in band and worked four jobs to afford to pay for college. I have my bachelors degree and now I?m in law school entering my first year. I?m 23 years old and on the surface everyone looks up to me and sees me as someone who has their shit together and think I?m intelligent etc and maybe I am but I certainly don?t believe it.
on the inside, I?ve been screaming for years, since I was a little girl. I think Law school has broughtt these issues up as you?re in a mental prism with yourself and it?s a different type of pressure. Like I?ve been homless before in undergrad starving etc that shit is easy but now it?s a different type of beat and if you aren?t in the rite state of mind you?ll get swallowed up.
Im posting because I feel like no one understand what the heck I?m trying to say. I?m not okay and I haven?t been for a while. I was abused as little kid once by mom(foster mom) friends son I think he was 19 I?m not sure how old I was maybe 5 and again throughout a series of years with close neighbors we called cousins. The most fucked up thing about it is that no one in my family knows and I don?t ever want to tell them especially my mom. She?s sacrificed her entire life to help us and I don?t want her to think she didn?t try or do the best she could because it was not her fault . I actually buried that away and forgot until freshman year of college and it has crept back up each year after.
My currnet drug of infliction is meth. Now how the hell did I get into this, another ex. Only he was actually a great guy and one day I was homless camping in my car and he decided to come with me so I didn?t have to be alone. I had no idea he even did shit like that and turns out he got it from our hometown! I didn?t know this at the time but he had did it straight for a year first occasionally for working in warehouses and then consistently only he quit cold turkey and now only does it when we were together.
Because of this, he just tells me its all about self control self control like it?s a button I can just push and receive as if he didn?t struggle with the mental process of it all. But I get it, some people can handle it better than others.
we only would do it maybe once or twice a month just to camp out in my car and escape the world for a minute. Only the last time I had to go back for school and we had a lot left over so I bought my first pipe and took half. Mistake #1. I ended up having a good control the first week only using it after class and no more than three four hits everubkther day to just focus on my homework. Then that week when I ran out I ended up getting $40 worth. I?m a newb so I have no idea how much that is but it was definitely a lot for me.
Fast forward to now, where I took my first final and half way through I felt like passing out. I think I?ve been smoking this shit for two almost three weeks now with one day off after telling myself I?d stop until after finals. I can see how this shit is addicting and it just manifests in you to where it doesn?t seem like excuses. I?m pretty sure I?ve lost a shit ton of weight, I?m constantly thinking my teeth will fall out or my gums are being destroyed it?s a mess and once I?m done with this left I?m not picking it up again. That?s the goal anyways.
This is a shit long intro my bad guys. But if you wanna hear more about me message me or reply. I?d love to talk to someone because I feel alone In this. I know I can still turn things around, just wanted to introduce myself. Sorry again for the length
