You've gone through an experience that's not uncommon for high dose dissociatives. Don't worry, it's part of what it means to be alive, too.
It will take a while for what you've been through to start making sense. But you're not in a hurry. The internet has never been this gigantic, it's a perfect circumstance for relating your experience with those of others, and triangulate meaning. And you can do so at your own pace.