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Thread: I can't figure out why my taper has been so easy

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    #26
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    Sober Living
    Mental Health
    cj's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
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    Thanks Ash. I'm feeling ok I guess. Some insomnia and depression. I saw my therapist today. Love talking to that lady. She's really amazing. She's good at walking the line of pretending to be my friend but staying professional enough so it doesn't get weird. If that makes sense. Like our sessions are so smooth we just have a normal conversation that somehow gets steered to therapy type stuff.

    Ive backtracked on my dose. I took 3mg today in 3 separate doses. My motivation just really fell off a cliff this week. I'm actually starting to question my motivation. I've been having that relapse fantasy. Living in a big East coast city. Riding the train to the open air spot. Working in a restaurant. Cash everyday.

    That's balanced with the other fantasy. Someone I care about laying next to me in bed. A life I'm not ashamed to tell people I grew up with about. Maybe one day seeing Berlin and Rome.

    It kills me how completely incompatible those dreams are. No compromise between the two at all. It couldn't be a starker choice. But I'm still conflicted. It's not 50/50. It's like 80/20 towards a more normal life. What scares me is how the ratio is changing the lower I go on my dose. Last month it was 95/5. When I was on methadone it was 99/1. What will it be if I taper to zero?

    Can I survive that first year where my brain chemistry is whacked out. Im just so scared to wake up and be 40 and alone. I'm so over being alone. I'm scared I'll be alone no matter which path I choose. I just have this inescapable need to destroy everything I touch
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
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    #27
    Bluelighter
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    Quote Originally Posted by cj View Post
    Can I survive that first year where my brain chemistry is whacked out. Im just so scared to wake up and be 40 and alone. I'm so over being alone. I'm scared I'll be alone no matter which path I choose. I just have this inescapable need to destroy everything I touch
    The fear of being alone diminished for me as I became more okay with myself. Putting the drugs down did a bit for making me okay with me. Significant and continued work through the 12 steps has done far more. Perhaps the therapy will do that for you. If therapy is insufficient perhaps consider it. There are so many things I thought I hated, most of them were things that were good for me. I am susceptible to a really skewed perception. If even the smallest opening is available in your mind please consider. Nothing you have ever posted here has led me to believe that you are not an amazing person who has just yet to convince yourself of your own amazingness. Application of the principles behind the steps has begun the process of convincing myself of all of the wonderful things I could never believe about me. I believe in you CJ and there is nothing you can do about it!
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    #28
    You'll get to where you want to be cj, you are already headed in the right direction.

    I love your self awareness and your willing to put the work in that needs to get done to heal. And you will. You are amazing.

    Love you cj and I'm here for you anytime.

    Your friend,
    Ash.
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