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I can't figure out why my taper has been so easy

Yeah not properly stabilizing was the mistake. I was just using large doses of Ativan to cover the secondary symptoms. I'm so fucking depressed right now.
 
cj said:
Yeah not properly stabilizing was the mistake. I was just using large doses of Ativan to cover the secondary symptoms. I'm so fucking depressed right now.
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It's OK man you'll pull through this. You can do it.
 
It's just temporary cj.

You will get better, we are here for you if you need us.

Love,
your friend,
Ash.
cj said:
Yeah not properly stabilizing was the mistake. I was just using large doses of Ativan to cover the secondary symptoms. I'm so fucking depressed right now.
Click to expand...
 
You are doing great CJ even if you aren't feeling great. The feelings will pass if you allow them to. If you can allow yourself to stabilize to the point you don't have to supplement with benzos it will be so beneficial to long-term success. You already know the potential pitfalls of benzo dependency. Hit a couple meetings to be around people if you possibly can. I realize that 12 step is not your cup of tea. It will keep your mind busy even if it is just busy saying, "fuck these people!" Lol. Anything to get you out of the isolation.
 
Thinking of you cj,

How are you doing today my dear friend?

I'm here for you if you ever need anything.

Love,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Thanks Ash. I'm feeling ok I guess. Some insomnia and depression. I saw my therapist today. Love talking to that lady. She's really amazing. She's good at walking the line of pretending to be my friend but staying professional enough so it doesn't get weird. If that makes sense. Like our sessions are so smooth we just have a normal conversation that somehow gets steered to therapy type stuff.

Ive backtracked on my dose. I took 3mg today in 3 separate doses. My motivation just really fell off a cliff this week. I'm actually starting to question my motivation. I've been having that relapse fantasy. Living in a big East coast city. Riding the train to the open air spot. Working in a restaurant. Cash everyday.

That's balanced with the other fantasy. Someone I care about laying next to me in bed. A life I'm not ashamed to tell people I grew up with about. Maybe one day seeing Berlin and Rome.

It kills me how completely incompatible those dreams are. No compromise between the two at all. It couldn't be a starker choice. But I'm still conflicted. It's not 50/50. It's like 80/20 towards a more normal life. What scares me is how the ratio is changing the lower I go on my dose. Last month it was 95/5. When I was on methadone it was 99/1. What will it be if I taper to zero?

Can I survive that first year where my brain chemistry is whacked out. Im just so scared to wake up and be 40 and alone. I'm so over being alone. I'm scared I'll be alone no matter which path I choose. I just have this inescapable need to destroy everything I touch
 
cj said:
Can I survive that first year where my brain chemistry is whacked out. Im just so scared to wake up and be 40 and alone. I'm so over being alone. I'm scared I'll be alone no matter which path I choose. I just have this inescapable need to destroy everything I touch
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The fear of being alone diminished for me as I became more okay with myself. Putting the drugs down did a bit for making me okay with me. Significant and continued work through the 12 steps has done far more. Perhaps the therapy will do that for you. If therapy is insufficient perhaps consider it. There are so many things I thought I hated, most of them were things that were good for me. I am susceptible to a really skewed perception. If even the smallest opening is available in your mind please consider. Nothing you have ever posted here has led me to believe that you are not an amazing person who has just yet to convince yourself of your own amazingness. Application of the principles behind the steps has begun the process of convincing myself of all of the wonderful things I could never believe about me. I believe in you CJ and there is nothing you can do about it!
 
You'll get to where you want to be cj, you are already headed in the right direction.

I love your self awareness and your willing to put the work in that needs to get done to heal. And you will. You are amazing.

Love you cj and I'm here for you anytime.

Your friend,
Ash.
 
Haha man the thread title really bit me in the ass. I know the answer to why it felt easy though. Ativan. I don't remember much of the period to say the least. In the end it sorta worked. I cut my dose in half mostly stable at 3mg. Still some insomnia and muscle aches but nothing outrageous. Haven't taken any Ativan in awhile and don't plan too. Rebound anxiety was nasty last week.
 
Happy to hear you're feeling better my friend, and I hope the insomnia and anything residual eventually subside for you.

You're awesome cj.

Hugs,
Ash.
cj said:
Haha man the thread title really bit me in the ass. I know the answer to why it felt easy though. Ativan. I don't remember much of the period to say the least. In the end it sorta worked. I cut my dose in half mostly stable at 3mg. Still some insomnia and muscle aches but nothing outrageous. Haven't taken any Ativan in awhile and don't plan too. Rebound anxiety was nasty last week.
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Man today is rough. I have slept 2 hours in the last 48. Maybe 6 hours in the 48 before that. I have a horrible headache. Cold flashes and I'm still spewing water out every half hour which is making me dehydrated. To make matters worse I doubled my 4am dose of sub to try and sleep so I need to wait 5-6 hours past my usual afternoon dose time to stay at 3mg.

I need to start taking my depakote again but it makes me feel like absolute shit. It's most definitely not sedating at all either. In fact I think it has the opposite effect. I have Ativan I could get the script refilled today but the rebound anxiety was so bad last time I took it. I know I'm so close to physical dependency.
 
cj said:
Man today is rough. I have slept 2 hours in the last 48. Maybe 6 hours in the 48 before that. I have a horrible headache. Cold flashes and I'm still spewing water out every half hour which is making me dehydrated. To make matters worse I doubled my 4am dose of sub to try and sleep so I need to wait 5-6 hours past my usual afternoon dose time to stay at 3mg.

I need to start taking my depakote again but it makes me feel like absolute shit. It's most definitely not sedating at all either. In fact I think it has the opposite effect. I have Ativan I could get the script refilled today but the rebound anxiety was so bad last time I took it. I know I'm so close to physical dependency.
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I inadvertently stayed up 24 hours the other day, and it was quite interesting. I felt pretty great throughout it. I know I'm not in opiate withdrawal though.

Try to keep your mind occupied with reading. Or a gentle walk around the block, park, etc. Make sure you take enough days off.
 
Thanks CH it doesn't really feel like withdrawal necessarily. Like I'm not miserable or anything. I just have some of the annoying symptoms. I know that doesn't make sense I guess I'm just not horribly anxious or depressed like during a full on kick. The stomach symptoms have gotten somewhat today. I ended up having to take 1mg of Ativan last night when it was clear I wasn't going to sleep otherwise. I just couldn't handle another day of insomnia. Plus I had shit to do today.

Got a touch of rebound anxiety right now from the Ativan but not too horrible. I need to just throw the shit away. It's helped me a lot over the last 6 months but I'm moving next month. Ending up having withdrawals would jeapordize that.
 
I hope your insomnia goes away, and the rebound anxiety too cj.

How are you feeling today?

Here for you my friend,

Much love, Ash. xo
 
I'm feeling ok today physically. Stressed as fuck though.

I'm trying to find sober living for the end of January. Minneapolis is where I really want to go. My therapist is really pushing me to go somewhere very structured. More like something between sober living and rehab. I would be ok with that in principal. The problem is price. The one she suggested in North Carolina as an example is 5000 a month. The one I found in Minneapolis is 2700 a month plus expenses so more like 3500 a month. No way in hell I can afford that. I really don't know anyone who could. They don't take insurance either. Max I could do is 1500 and that wouldnt be sustainable more then 3-4 months. The normal "apartment and drug test" type places are under a grand a month. So that is where I need to be financially.

The emotional complication is i really like my therapist. Well ok there is more to it then that. I really want to fuck my therapist. She is sexy, smart, and yet completely unavailable. Having feelings for her is making me want to make her "happy" and complicating things. maybe I am just lonely and she validates me by listening and giving a shit.

The biggest problem with all this is it's causing paralysis on my part. I need to be making phone calls and putting a plan in motion. Instead I'm on Reddit debating who the eagles should start at QB if they make the playoffs. Fucking priorities right?
 
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