Thread: "Ye Who Enter Abandon All Hope" Meth Ruined My Life Don't Do It NOT EVEN ONCE

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    "Ye Who Enter Abandon All Hope" Meth Ruined My Life Don't Do It NOT EVEN ONCE 
    Bluelighter ThatSpaceyKid's Avatar
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    Mar 2015
    Hello, I it is I again Thatspacykid I came out from the voids. My life is not the same since I first started writing in the forums here. My life has become bitter sad and full of guilt and regret. I feel like I am falling apart. I just don't feel anything now. WHY CAN'T I FEEL!!! Everything is going to shit in front of my eyes, and it hurts, but I can't find any reason to care of to preserve myself. I hate myself.

    I am stuck in spiraling depression. I am alone all the time now. My family sees me as an animal. I am in trouble with the law. M1 cases. They are just getting worse. I don't know my family or friends anymore. All my homies and using buddies are GONE. EVERY ONE left when they promised me they would stay and help put me back together.

    Though I wanna die at times. I still continue to fight for this life that I don't want. Everythings changed. I feel dead. I legitimately feel dead. It seems like people now don't even care about me or expect that I am gonna be able to survive and go on with my life. My lifes become like a sad movie honestly full of drama and chaos. But there is no end. No climax. No start. Don't feel sorry for me. Let me just warn anyone out there who wants to try Krysty DONT. I am 22 now. I have been using since I was 16. Til I was 19 it was only smoking. JUST smoking. Which in my addict mind is not bad at all and krystal is not at the bottom of the barell. I don't even know myself anymore.

    I am not the person I once was. I fell apart the first time at 17. I fell into Heroin. My life started getting lonely and dark. My family started going to extreme lengths to try and fix me. I caught 3 court cases because of my dad. "Trying to help me." I thought this was just a phase and that my life would get better, but I was wrong. Depression began to cripple me. Then I went to rehab for 6 months. Got out when I was 20. Continued to use drugs and only shot up now. It has been 1 year since I started shooting up drugs. Then when I was 21. My life became hell and has crippled and traumatized me. You try finding a dead woman under your truck in your yard a day after valentines day in 2016. I had no part in it, but she was murdered due to drug crimes.

    This town... I am in.. Its literally messed up. It is small like 15,000 people max. But there have been several murders in the last year. There have been a lot of drug related crimes. I have been in and out of my dads house. I literally have nothing planned or going for me. I dont even own a car. I cant even pay my bills anymore. I am 39 days clean and my life isnt getting any better. Mind you were talking every day use IV. I lived in my homies car for 9 months just because I wanted to do meth and was not allowed to be at my dads on drugs. And it was dangerous and made me want to use more. I just want to go shove a needle in my arm and get release, but I cant. I cant... I hate living anymore, but I mean it when I say im okay. This is normal now.

    The last 4 years I lost myself. I feel so dead. I feel like demons and satan have crippled me. Yes I seen shadows, etc. I had others who witnessed it. And they were not on the drug. I literally cant hold myself together long enough to maintain a job now. I used to be a hard worker. But since I started catching charges my record is affected. I cant even get a job at the gas staion. All that is left is the warehouse or the fields. But im to weak and sick in the head now to work... I am ill mentally. My depression owns my life. For the last 4 months I have tried to work and when it failed I just went on one for months. I dont even know what I want anymore. I dont have any hopes or goals now. 6 years of meth have ruined my life. Be warned dont use. Most people fall apart, no ALL of us do after time.

    I cant drink safely either because I go into violent rages. My family looks at me in fear. In my psychosis and insanity when it hurt so bad I would hold a knife to my throat near my juggualr with full intentions to slit it open. I feel worthless. I am a burden. My family doesnt want me. Society doesnt want me. My homies all left. My girl left. My mother left. Its still stuck in my them running in fear as I chased them with a knife with intentions to hug them and tell them to call emergency services this happened over and over. I am on anti-depressents and anxiety meds.

    I have to take 15 pills in the morning, 4 for lunch, and 4 at night just to feel okay and get through the day. They dont even make me happy, but they help ease the anxiety. I smoke weed on a daily basis medically. I rarely do anything anymore besides sleep and cry and hurt and fall apart. No body new comes into my life. Im such a mess. l sit at home in my room all day for days on end only talking to myself most of the day. I dont feel worthy enough to go around my family anymore. God please take me. I dont even want to live anymore, but AGAIN im OKAY. IM okay. It hurts so bad but im okay. I am at my ends. I have been to jail.

    I died from Heroin when I was 21 only 1 year ago. If I use meth anymore doctors say I will slip into schitzophrenia. It is a horrible sad place.

    My grandma dont even claim me no more. My friends act like I never existed. I sit here angry at myself depressed contemplating on slitting my wrist. Writing sad stories and documenting my life. My writing is all that is left of myself. It is my only way to express this pain without getting viloent or to where I am dangerous to my own life. I go weeks at times or days fasting or just not eating. My appetite is gone. I always feel sick. I dont rarely have energy.

    I try to go to counseling and meetings but NONE of it helps. Not even NA and AA. Folks I think im to far gone. All thats left is hell, death, and the end. I fear insanity no longer, for this isnt the first time I went insane. God help me. Satan has my soul. Abyss The Lord of Chaos rules my life. I feel like a guest inside my own head. God help me, But again folks dont worry. Im okay. Im okay,. IM okay. Im broken. But im okay.

    Dont do meth if you plan to enjoy the rest of your life. If my life does end in tragedy and I give into myself just know I used to be somebody that mattered. I was a straight A student, I was in college classes thru high school, I took AP classes, finished math up to calculus, studied chemisty for 7years with high hopes. Im sorry if I let go and cant make it any longer. Let this be a record of many a testimony of how meth ruined me us.
    Last edited by Jekyl Anhydride; 25-11-2018 at 07:17. Reason: paragraph breaks
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    ^^^^could do with a fee more paragraphs there mate... Its just when you post walls of text like that people won't read it
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    Other Drugs
    Jekyl Anhydride's Avatar
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    Jul 2016
    I'm going to move this to The Dark Side as that seems like a more appropriate place.

    OD--> TDS
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    Senior Moderator
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    Shadowmeister's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    I'm so sorry you're suffering. I've seen meth ruin more people than any other drug, percentage-wise. Please feel free to keep writing in here... you'll find this forum a very supportive place. Good for you for being 39 days clean.
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    Bluelighter LucidSDreamr's Avatar
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    May 2013
    Silicodone Valley
    It's a shame people can't get jobs anymore once they have a drug record. Like wtf are they supposed to do besides drugs then? Our society is incredibly broken and ignorant.
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    Thank you for your story. I have never done meth but I have been stupid enough to consider. I think I've gotten lucky because I couldn't score. I've come to accept that I have a void in my life that causes me a great deal of depression and is the number one driver of my addiction.
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    Sounds like you went pretty hard!

    I'd give yourself a bit more time before declaring that there's no more hope for you. You're only 22 years old & have been "clean" for just over a month. Just keep pumping the breaks and remember that no situation is so bad that it can't at least be improved (especially when it comes to drugs & drug abuse).
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    Thanks for writing and keep growing, it will take time, you may grow out of the decrepit person you have been becoming. Well done on creating the necessary foundation for a much needed improvement on your condition, abstinence from destruction.
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    Bluelighter Painful One's Avatar
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    Jan 2017
    Closer to God
    Quote Originally Posted by Burnt Offerings View Post
    Sounds like you went pretty hard!

    I'd give yourself a bit more time before declaring that there's no more hope for you. You're only 22 years old & have been "clean" for just over a month. Just keep pumping the breaks and remember that no situation is so bad that it can't at least be improved (especially when it comes to drugs & drug abuse).
    ^^^^ I agree with this and the post below it also.
    Excellent posts guys!

    There is always hope O.P.
    Do NOT abandon hope!
    Things can and will improve if you take good care of yourself.
    I am sorry you are suffering so badly.
    This is a temporary condition.

    You will be in my prayers.
    It is not too late for a miracle!!!
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    Don't give up. The brain can and does recover from just about anything. Amphetamine addiction is one of the gravest addictions out there. I have used methamphetamines, daily in fact to DIY treat my ADHD. I plugged racemic methamphetamine daily for over a month with no issues. I also tried snorting and vaping it. I never found it "fun", but I never tried to get high on it. I can't imagine how horrible an addiction to it would be. I have been intensely addicted to diethyl ether, which resulted in my life being destroyed in under two weeks. Psychosis to the point of speeding at over 100MPH from Ohio to the Cuban embassy in DC thinking that the Five Eyes nations were out to get me from the ether.
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    The Dark Side

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    Feb 2010
    Dealing with the law while trying to recover is so backwards in my experience. Often it's like putting weights on a crippled person in attempts to "reform" when really the person needs to heal and recover.

    I don't know if people really think you are too far gone, so much as they might disagree with your definition of sober or agree with your recovery program.. maybe some people do, but they are wrong to think so. From personal experience with drug induced psychosis and cannabis- since going through psychosis cannabis use has seemed to become much more problematic. Like less positive effects and more negative effects. It really doesn't help with getting a job or through the legal system at all, and is often a reason used to not hire someone... even here in California where it is legal over 21 and my terms of probation specified that I can use medical marijuana I'm still being denied entry to the community service program because of admitting to smoking weed. Might be going back to jail for a month or two. Looking back on it personally, it's benefits hasn't really been worth the cost if I'm being honest.

    I like to watch videos like this guy. This guy somehow maintains a positive attitude about life after spending 14 years in prison.

    It doesn't have to be this way forever.. things can change, and feelings are not permanent. The way we feel often changes all the time even for the average normal person who never used drugs. Change is rarely easy or comfortable but it that doesn't make it a bad thing. Try to progress little by little.. start with the basics- daily personal hygiene, eating, a chore or two- even if it's just washing a few dishes. Then build from there. Take things slow and try to accept where you are and your situation. Focus your attention to what you can be doing, to what you want to be doing once you get past all this. Allow yourself to be hopeful.
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    I went through this. Felt it. The good news is your brain will recover and you don't even need the anti depressants anymore. Bad news is it took every day of about 3 years for my brain to recover to its original state. Hang in there and grind it out is all I can say.
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    Bluelight Crew Solipsis's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
    Yeah after opiates and benzos I can agree that one has to grind it out and I think don't try to focus too much on questions about how much longer recovery takes or whether you will ever feel better. For me the only realization that got me on the path to recovery was just that I couldn't keep going on in that self-destructive way and it was the only way to get better and be ok again. Still in practical terms i needed rehab for the benzo's. It helped me a lot to basically not feel like i had other options, cause going back on the drugs would mean that much more recovery which was already hard enough.
    It's hard to feel anything yea but important to try and feel how much going back on the drugs doesn't work.

    Not sure how well you realize the warnings of the doctors but hopefully it helps you to make a decision to turn this around.

    Although it seems like nonsense that you would get schizophrenia which i believe is something people are born with, but yeah going psychotic is a real risk. Good luck, please just stick it out. I'm glad you are 39 days clean man, well done and keep it up.
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