Today is about a month and a half without any opiates. I just decided to quit without a reason. I actually stopped a couple of months before this but I relapsed for a few days. The first few months I stopped drinking too and this seemed to help with anxiety, right now I'm only drinking 4 drinks tops every 2-3 days. I might stop this too again just to see if it makes a difference but it seems unfair that I can't have anything at all.
I think I have what they call spontaneous remission but I'm pissed off, anxious and depressed all the time. I'm meditating and exercising every day, even going to counseling but it only helps so much. I've quit before like this spontaneously for several years at a time and it doesn't fix anything I still have a ton of underlying mental issues to deal with.
I'm way too socially anxious to ever visit some kind of 12 step program. There is no rock bottom for me because I'm self medicating and I know my limits, drugs have had more positive effects than negative except that unfortunately they eventually stop working. I almost wish I could be bad and be a real hardcore drug addict at least I would have some interesting stories to experience before I died.
I've been using poppy tea for different periods of time since I was a teenager, I know there's PAWS but this seems more like a spiritual thing. I'm not happy with myself and I never have been even before the drugs.
Honestly, I don't believe in the concept of rock bottom whatsoever. So long as you are not dead, things can basically always get worse and just because you get sober doesn't mean your problems fade and life automatically gets better.
Often times, getting through the withdrawals are not easy but in comparison to dealing with the neglect and wreckage of a life left unattended to can be substantially more challenging to overcome. Your sober, but what led to the behavior and desires of getting high to begin with? Understanding that question involves a lot of self-exploration, reflecting, trying new things, possibly therapy/counseling, etc and you might never come to a completely absolute answer. We are complex emotional and physical beings with equally complex emotional and physical needs. It is a question you will probably continue to ask yourself and deepen your understanding of it until you are no longer cognitive. The heart of the question has been pondered for years by many philosophers, scientist, psychologist, and the alike and unalike.
There are some more practical answers though, aside from just philosophical ponderings. You mention social anxiety and depression- two things that although have many causes, are very common among drug users. Using alcohol to deal with social anxiety is not an uncommon thing- we are wired to survive in a world with constant dangers so the brain naturally fears the unknown. For all I know, you could be a killer potentially... of course that isn't always a rational thought, and recognizing these irrational thoughts and how they make you feel and behave can have pretty big implications on your life.
That process is cognitive behavioral therapy, and it helps you recognize and analyze automatic thoughts. Things like fears of socializing. You say you'd get too anxious to even go- but why is that? Is it that you think people will not be accepting of you? Is it that you think someone will try to hurt or take advantage of you? Do you think you'll embarrass yourself? Is there a past event that you are afraid something similar might happen again? It's likely a combination of fears, but it is important to really explore each one and challenge the validity. For example, there may be a chance you do something embarrassing and people ridicule you, but the likelihood of this happening is not very realistic and chances are if you did something embarrassing many will be empathetic and understanding as we have all embarrassed ourselves.
The depression is something to address as well. Personally I think we too quickly go to drugs and pills rather than consider things like basic human need, including emotional. Maslow hierarchy of needs does a decent job of laying out some basic principles of human needs, and the necessity of each need. The "love and belonging" is where many, myself included, seem to lack.
hierarchy_of_needs
I use this for general visualization of my personal needs. It's possible to achieve great things without a lot of human connection- many inventors were highly isolated. But some sense of connection is needed, whether it to peers, colleges, family, or close intimate relations, we are social creatures designed to connect and interact.
I would suggest things like exposure therapy for social anxiety and group therapy would probably help as well. 12-step is just one type of group therapy, and it's a self-help, self-managed, ungoverned group. The quality and crowd varies greatly from meeting to meeting. Having a supervised support group is preferred, but generally aren't free. Personally I find NA and AA to be very dogmatic and discouraging. The whole "I am a helpless drug addict" is very disagreeable with me, and a lot of clinical literature as well. We are not our problems, we have problems. For example- we do not call people with depression "depressives" or something like that, identifying them by their disorder. It overlooks all the positives and creates a very negative and helpless self-image.
I'd suggest going to just find a sober buddy though... having friends with similar goals can really help more than you might imagine. One thing about AA/NA is that the people are generally extremely friendly and go out of their way to make new comers feel welcome. They are either there or have been there, so it's a group of people who understand. Just having sober friends is also important, I didn't have a "sober buddy" until recently and managed better than a lot of NA stories I hear. I did have a solid family that is all sober and extremely caring and forgiving.
