Recovery Notes on Changing My Ways

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(Generic song maybe but I like it and I feel it is better than the other selection I had in mind. Something less generic below as I am embarrassed sharing the one above tbh.)

I am an ordinary human. Just a human. In a state of perpetual change. What is the life cycle other than endless transformation after all? Growth and decay. Well outward decay. I feel that someone recovering or just trying to live more wholesome in other words might be interested in inner growth while outer decay is imminent as are the laws of nature on this planet.

I will take notes on changing my mental habits and personal choices in areas seemingly unrelated to acting out in addictive vices but that hold it all together if you will. I guess my vision will sharpen as I move along here. I do not plan on coming in to take notes weekly and might aim for twice or once a month to start with then taper that off to 6 months or so. I will also check-in with the offline recovery meetings I was involved with just as a way to "celebrate recovery" by going in on my clean date each month and then every other month and then I may be able to be a positive force in the world on a much broader scale than attending a small recovery group. I know there are many issues that people need help with beyond addiction and I feel the changes I need to make just should involve helping others regardless of the struggle or suffering at hand.



Oh who am I kidding what do I know about generic music? Just enjoy if you press play I guess.

Spoiler: Zen

"Pursue not the outer entanglements; Dwell not in the inner void; Be serene in the oneness of things; And dualism vanishes by itself."
―Seng-t'san, Hsin-Hsin Ming: Verses on the Faith-Mind

"The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinion for or against. The struggle of what one likes and what one dislikes is the disease of the mind."
― Sengstan, Hsin Hsin Ming

I guess certain quotes in here will deserve a spoiler as they relate to areas I want to develop in personally and maybe won't appeal to others reading so much.

 

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To maintain some level of order (vice is unstructured meaningless chaos) I will plan on making an entry every other week to start with. Please note that I have a long history of chemical issues but have been sober for years in the past as well. The nature of the beast I am up against today is such that something else leads me into taking destructive compounds and not the compounds themselves. Granted zero tolerance for taking the compounds alone is understood to be necessary to live a life of contentment and freedom so far as is possible but the thing is I don't want to use them, hence I said something else triggers me wanting to use them badly.

I guess I can offer glimpses of my history as I proceed with notes related to living constructively and positively in the present.

I was thinking about neurological trauma I experienced under drugs. The first notable memory was a strange (not pleasant but not painful, just felt wrong) sensation in the side of my head after having been taking low doses (but many each day) of MXE for about three weeks straight (was self-medicating with it to keep me off booze and porno). It was right after I took a dose in the bathroom at work and it felt like "wow you have been taking way too much of this and now your brain is going to pop". That's enough glimpses for today. That was years ago btw. MXE was so addictive for me but the thing is I was able to live well taking it minus the side effects of a chemical that probably should not have been being used how I was using it (taking it all day long in small amounts).

What helps me stay on track daily is 1) meditation and 2) a plant-based diet.

Surely there is more research than would be polite to share here on either so a video and a site reference as to why I mention those two specifically.



https://nutritionfacts.org/

A Buddhist monk I listen to talks of on YouTube also said in a psychology talk that Roman philo is excellent to become familiar with if one wants a healthier understanding of the human mind. The talk was called Buddhist Psychology Vs. Modern Psychology.

Spoiler: Stoicism

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Next post: 11/26

 

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Ok I think I will take it easy on sharing anything more on Buddhism here.

For example if I walked into a secular recovery group I was kicking it with over a month ago or so the last time I went it would be uncalled for to walk into a meeting and start a discussion on a teaching like Buddhism. More than a philosophy yet I am not so naive to call it a religion in the sense of requiring its adherents to muster nothing but blind faith to adopt it into their lives. Let me treat this log as secular as a spiritual mind can and I will share anything related to my personal spiritual life inside my blog in the future if I feel compelled to.

I did not want to wait another week to post so this will be quick then I will get back to the schedule.

My recovery is very much a life and death type deal. I have been reaching out online elsewhere for support for years until it got so bad and I realized no one can save me especially not anonymously on the net. I don't rely on a person to get me through. The powers I turn to are not human, they are far past that. End spiritual talk.

So I just had a great jog but it was so cold and sloshy out I couldn't bring myself to crush a strength workout at the calisthenics gym outside the school I ran near. At least it was a great run ermmm more like jog.

I will try to be as transparent with my mundane mind as possible with you here.



Anonymity is desired. I see some people share pics and stuff but I mean the whole username thing. Necessary silly business I guess.

I am feeling musical, perhaps compulsively so, but will keep songs I share from now on in here and my blog. Not trying to get carried away. I think I got excited yesterday but all is well that ends well.



I scheduled going to SOS (Save OurSelves and Secular Organization for Sobriety, by James Christopher, I do not agree that addiction is a cellular disease as he views it I believe, in his book he talks like that I think...) this Tuesday and will let you know how that goes. I am celebrating 3 months clean on the 19th.

 

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I want to get in here once more today then get back on track with the next post I scheduled for the 26th. I felt like getting a few things out and "activating" my recovery by getting in here sooner than I had planned I suppose. Or something very close to that.

I just picked up some GT's Kombucha from the store and realized this stuff has an actual alcohol content. I always assumed it did not as no ID is required to purchase it. It sure does. Apparently some varieties can have up to as high as 3% or so. More than some lighter beers: https://www.bustle.com/articles/313...ks-are-alcoholic-and-theyre-not-the-only-ones

Riding my bike to hop on a PC at a library I have a "friend of the library" membership at (public library systems are something I am no longer interested in, used to be obsessed, long story but there is a moral to it...) in a college down the street my sis actually graduated from years ago I felt buzzed and immediately started wondering why. Almost simultaneously the bottle of booch I just downed before leaving pops into my head and the buzz was too alcoholish to not look up whether the stuff could possibly contain it right now.

I am sober but holy cow the one bottle buzzed me like a small light beer dammit. Not intentional. Not a slip, definitely not a relapse. Not craving to get trashed right now and go on a hypererotic speed demon bender that would obliterate my mind and body (never starts that way but this devil knows me all too well...). Don't need support about it and won't read any replies until I jump in here on the 26th if there are any.

I am actually sipping a second bottle now (I think the seasonal variety was over the standard lower than 0.5% like wtf dude?!). I can tell you my sobriety is so solid (went to SOS right before the grocery store) this isn't an issue but I will also tell you this is the end of Kombucha & I. I like my regular brewed hot teas much more anyways. And to think I almost wanted to start my own Kombucha brand a couple years back...

Oh ya about the SOS meeting (why I am posting now mainly). So I like listening to the older guys with alot of sobriety as they are just stock full of common sense insight that is practical and down to earth and makes alot of sense basically that you can understand right away and see how it applies to your own situation. One criticism was a really coarse lady who loved to drop f bombs (not judging but she has been through some rough times and lacks the intellectual and refined character I would like to associate with to improve my own persona, I was just as rough and nasty acting out in destructive vice, I mean speech wise, not saying anything about her behavior in sobriety for all I know she is a saint for others in her life). And one other woman who picked up on the cursing that was taking place started dropping the f bombs but she had one really nice thing to say which I could have sworn she said was Buddhist before uttering it: before saying something (she told us how sarcastic she tends to be but that it can hurt sensitive people especially in recovery) make sure it is true, kind/helpful, and necessary. Or something like that. That clicked with me but I could also see how years of destruction waged by herself on her own life (cocaine and alcohol) had made a somewhat coarse character despite being of a higher financial status (judging by appearance and her talk of her present situation and relationship..) which is a good warning for me.

I am put off by coarse personas but I respect them nonetheless. I just have an interest in self-development and becoming unruly and coarse is like anti-development.

Edit: One person was overtly happy to see me (he usually leads the meeting) and remembered my name (I forgot his how coarse of my memory!). Still not enough to get me to go weekly but I feel like I need to observe more of these self-help meetings in general before sharing any final conclusions with you on them. Yes I am analyzing the meetings, program, and individuals in them now.

End post.

 

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I should tell you guys I only access the net from designated locations or rather in public spaces.

Right now I am only using library PC's. I feel I still should not own my own equipment given my addiction revolves around staring at pixels while ruining my brain with drugs and alcohol. Don't worry my brain is doing much better since I meditate daily and eat whole plant foods that repair it very quickly.

One day it may just say you have done this one too many times and stroke out however. Or hemorrhage. My friend's brother just fell down and died one day in the kitchen taking things similar to me. Anyways enough about the bad that can happen if I so much as slip (my slippery slope is incredibly hard to get off of once you start sliding down it).

I have alot to talk about today and will post one more time I am thinking after this. I took notes at home about what I feel a need to share lol.

I do not own a smartphone anymore. Nor a tablet. Nor a laptop. Nor a sick gaming PC. Not even a lame office desktop or iMac or something Apple.

I do plan on getting a smartwatch to listen to music to while training but that does not have a screen so no problem there. I also plan on perhaps getting a laptop or surface device that I will secretly keep hidden (hidden is secretly I guess lol) in a university library but no plans yet. One thing I will not be doing any time soon is getting something that connects to the net at home and yes I have internet there but it is for someone who lives upstairs. Enough about this situation for now.

12-step meetings. I went, I saw, I dabbled for years and years and I said nah not my cup of coffee (I don't drink it anymore). The most recent one was a SAA meeting which had me never wanting to go back ever again (details not important really as applicable to getting clean). One interesting thought about getting clean is inspired by a book I remember skimming through called What Is Addiction? by some folks at MIT or MIT published it at least. Anyways the point I am trying to share with you is about some research showing that many who overcome addiciton issues end up just stopping one day w/o seeking treatment. It appears the personal choice to stop does not require rehab per se.

Oh and time to end this post with a couple videos about how the net is not your savior. I mean if it is good for you but it ain't mine.

 

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The song above. I originally had this video in there too but only two were allowed. You know what this is the last post in here until Monday. See you in my blog later today!



Moderate your surfing is my advice for the rest of your life.

 

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So I am coming in outside the scheduled post (might hold off on this for now, scheduling posts..) yet again.

It seems I feel a need to talk about my recovery in a manner I am not capable of inside self-help programs.

I almost was going to see a counselor or therapist when I first started this recovery streak (attempt or what have you) due to some family issues I will not expand on here. The thing is by changing some of my ways this wouldn't have even been brought up for discussion. Plus paying someone to help you isn't help, it is business most of the time. When it comes to this kind of support at least.

Time flies doesn't it? Generations come and go like a hummingbird flaps its wings...ok analogy going nowhere fast.



Three things I need to change to remain steady and not go back to being pressured into seeing anybody to talk about issues that are only able to be resolved through my own choices in life:

1) Job. Hold one. Doesn't have to be a friggin' dream career right now. Go back to school if the funding is right.
2) Stay clean. That's it. Don't imbibe, don't do what leads to imbibing. In other words stay on the right path.
3) Start engaging communities offline once I am able to. Like dude I am locked inside a prison of my own shitty choices right now except there are no bars only more than enough pillows but this shit needs to change.

I feel I need inspiration in here now. Will start that in the next post. Going to a peyote safe zone out West and taking it with people who value it for traditional spiritual purposes is a last resort option I won't say it again.

 

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Flash from the past: Chugged and gulped down more DXM containing OTC medications than I can count on both hands, five times over.

Took me damn near that many times to realize the shit is a gross body high and never produces anything of lasting value man.

Not hating on DXM just the OTC medication ingestion method. I never reached the higher plateaus but I never truly wanted to I don't think.

Sorry body for putting you through that!

Only time can change things really.

Like I am seeing how I can have the right intentions but only time can change things.

I cannot play a control freak here like a Genghis Khan or something and conquer I am thinking now. Just plant the right seeds and apply the right efforts and wait for things to manifest on their own. Time heals all as is the way of nature I suppose.



On that note I will stop chattering now and just post reminders in the form of inspirational content to remind myself to keep at it and change will happen in due time.

 

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Frustration levels super high recently. Mostly mental. Or rather psychological. I know why too.

1) Ego dissatisfied with current living situation.
2) Lonely and not engaged with a community offline.
3) Stranded in a toxic Capitalist wasteland without the resources to make my life better as well as improve the world in the manner I feel I can with the right amount of resources.
4) I don't want to live like I am right now and feel I am placing blame on someone for being where I am, however anger is fruitless and even destructive so I am just trying to be rational and let go of the negative moods as they come. Nothing is forever I guess.

So I mean part of being patient for things to change is remaining positive about the negative. Lol I got that from a Simon Posford (Hallucinogen & Shpongle) interview years back, he said something about thinking positive about the negative. Nice guy just a little off the deep end man.

A positive note about this situation is I just submitted a FAFSA. Let's see how that goes not planning on anything but it made me feel empowered doing it a little at least.

Walked out of Creed II early. Called off a shift today that I wasn't scheduled for but picked up. Felt guilty about it but hey I don't like this job however I don't want to do something like this again. Not like I was relapsing or anything.

Dammit I started rambling again. I just feel so disconnected offline it is driving me crazy. Like I said patience and nothing remains the same forever. Hey nothing lasts but nothing is lost (Terence McKenna voiceover from a Shpongle track man).

 

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One more today man. Blast from the past.

5-MAPB blasted me sideways and made me a nicer person from the inside out man. I mean it was a glowing experience all around but nothing lasts forever dudes. Can't say I recommend trying it man but this guy (deceased) running this groovy mind expanding church down in Louisiana sent me the stuff as a sacrament man.

I wrote him a nice letter after taking it.

 

[cj]

I can relate to your feelings. I'm feeling stuck myself. Good music as well

 

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I can relate to your feelings. I'm feeling stuck myself. Good music as well

I just had a terrible relapse. Felt like I was one step closer to becoming a Ted Bundy style of addict (I have no intention to hurt anyone!). Why do I say this? Compulsive shoplifting and fapping to pixels. No I did not use porn in the sense of digital hardcore content. However I bought a 2019 SI Swimsuit calendar to masturbate to.

What started it? Kratom. I had the best of intentions before taking it yet I became powerless under the effects and the following morning an all day binge started. It started by masturbating to pixels (a make-up book that belongs to a tenant in our basement, duplex, horrible history in this dwelling and one big change that needs to happen is moving, my dad owns it and I don't pay rent, talk about enabling a residence for being a binge factory). I was able to process the urges to fondle myself since no longer using the internet at home on screens of any kind including a smart tv (like a drug injection system once you have learned how to take the drug to get high, i.e. porno pumped through the net). However the kratom changed that quickly and I was overtaken by the sexual compulsion i.e. fapping. This triggered my addict pathways and alcohol was acquired as was one container of Benzedrex in which I soaked out the 250mg of propylhexedrine (not without menthol and lavendar burps) into a glass of alcohol and consumed it many times over. I mean only 250mg of propyl was taken but it was more than is possibly safe (way higher than the recommended dosage and who knows what this stuff actually does to your brain in the long run).

I am stable now. I cried earlier as this was extremely disappointing and I know I need to make some big changes offline.

I feel I was becoming frivolous and immature with my online usage even not being on it all the time at home anymore so I am going to radically alter my use here and will only be on every other week right now as planned and once I start making the necessary life changes offline (regarding repairing broken relationships and finding a community to rejoin/join) I will pull back to once a month. I don't feel I can cure anyone's compulsions but I mean I will try to offer peer support when I come on here but I need to drastically reduce my own personal usage.

Have a nice day and thanks cj.

I am stuck because I am not making the changes quick enough that I need to be I feel.

 

[cj]

Change is hard. Beating yourself up for not making it wuick enough is counterproductive. I think you should see out a therapist.

Good luck.

 

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Change is hard. Beating yourself up for not making it wuick enough is counterproductive. I think you should see out a therapist.

Good luck.

Thanks for the support. I don't feel as though I am "beating myself up" however.

No, actually I don't think a therapist is the answer here but the concern is acknowledged.

 

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Talking about beating myself up though, my penis is like damaged from how intense this relapse was. I think it will heal but this was bad. Now acting out in this type of vice is pure self-abuse.

I have seen psychologists, therapists, counselors and been to rehabs.

All that stuff if based on profit.

I am out to address the roots of the problem and not speculate on the problem itself as it is merely a manifestation of not being ok in terms of staying on the right spiritual path. That's what it comes down to for me.

Kratom took me off the right path and by seeking an intoxication which I lied to myself as being medicinal somehow (I don't need medicine) I was blindsided by irrational urges to fap.

All self-control was lost the moment I chose to act out with pixels.

Now by reducing my usage here and returning to my spiritual roots I feel as though there is hope.

I only hope to come and share that here when I return in a month.

“It's very, very dangerous to lose contact with living nature.”
― Albert Hofmann“I was completely astonished by the beauty of nature. Our eyes see just a small fraction of the light in the world. It is a trick to make a colored world, which does not exist outside of human beings.”
― Albert Hofmann“By observing natural scientific discoveries through a perception deepened by meditation, we can develop a new awareness of reality. This awareness could become the bedrock of a spirituality that is not based on the dogmas of a given religion, but on insights into a higher and deeper meaning. I am referring to the ability to recognize, to read, and to understand the firsthand revelations.”
―Albert Hofmann

When it comes right down to it addiction is a choice. It might not be easy, but it is that simple.

Life is about choices. Positive and not so much. Cause and effect. I take full responsibility for my mistakes and understand only making better ones will set me free and get me onto the safe and steady path I need to be on to thrive here. Then I will be able to help others much better.

So I guess I just decided once a month is the right choice as far as digital support/ing goes. There is much to be worked on offline here.