Marijuana - Experienced - Bad Trip & Conclusions

[quadrga]

I'll try to write this with brevity, I know these things can get long and tedious. So here I go...

My experience was on marijuana. I'm a former pothead. I used to smoke every day as a teenager. Did all kinds so I'm very familiar with it. I've also done various prescription drugs, psilocybin, and cocaine. I've never done LSD.

I had a bad trip. Hadn't smoked in years. Reached a low point I guess. My friend and I had a buzz from drinking already. Then he mentioned he had some pot. I said break it out, so he did.

I took 6 drags total. I knew that was enough. The old, familiar weed euphoria settled in quickly. I knew within minutes that I was TOAST. Wow was I high. Before I move on let me state this. I'm very familiar with and sensitive to the effects of drugs. It's possible that something else was laced in, but the high was certainly that of marijuana and I could not detect any difference in sensation or altered consciousness that would lead me to believe that it was anything but marijuana. The high completely overshadowed the minor alcohol buzz which likely would have dissipated within 30 minutes anyway. I say all of that to preface the following experience noting that I believe what I took really was simply marijuana.

After about 15 minutes my buddy started laughing hysterically. We sat on the couch and he turned on some music and an old movie (black & white type). I started feeling anxious and cold. I've felt this many times so it's not that uncommon after smoking weed for me. Another 5-10 minutes roll by and my buddy was asleep on the floor. The anxiety got worse.

As I tried to calm down and warm up I just couldn't shake it. Couldn't talk myself down. Couldn't stop my racing heartbeat. I got up and started pacing to work out some of the energy. That's when it went from anxiety to despair.

The time loop set in. Neither my body nor my eyes departed from the track I was pacing in. Psychological torment ensued. "This will never end", I thought. "I'm stuck here forever." "I'm scared." "I'm cold." "Help me."

Every time I passed by the TV I was convinced I kept seeing the same scene over and over again. The album playing in the background was R&B. I listened intently to the lyrics. The woman artist was on the surface singing about her love relationship with whoever. But it sounded like she was speaking to me. "I'll never let you go" she said. "You've done it now, you're mine forever". Like the love she was speaking about was parasitic, damaging, and wicked as if to inflict pain and torment. It felt as though each passing song was to the same theme and tune.

I assumed at this point that I had died and gone to hell. The hopelessness, despair, abandonment, torment, and judgment I felt is beyond comprehension. I imagine some of you with similar bad trip experiences can relate. The torturous thoughts were relentless.

I dug a little deeper into my feelings. That's when I heard the voice. Not audible as with sound vibrations, but internally, directly to my mind. The best way for me to describe is with a narrated dialogue:

"This is your fate. You were always destined for this."
I responded, "This can't be real. I just smoke some pot and I'm high."
"No, you died. This is your eternity."
"It can't be..."
"Then escape if you can. Gouge out your eyes. Relieve yourself of the sight, pull them out."
"Leave me alone!"
"Kill yourself now, maybe that will change things. Kill yourself. Kill yourself."

This went on for a while. Hard to say for how long. From here on out I'm weaving in my conclusions. Agree or disagree, I'm telling my story. I'm a Christian. This probably turns a lot of you off. That's fine. But I say that to give you an honest view of my situation.

I had forgotten at this point that I believed in Jesus. Hard to understand why, but I did. At some point during my torment I remembered:

"Wait, no, this can't be, I believe in Jesus. Jesus saved me from this. God help me! I've gone to hell!" Then another small, gentle voice came in.
"Look at the clock. Is time passing?" I waited for the digits to change minutes.
"Yes..."
"You are cold but not freezing. Do you have a blanket?" I had a blanket wrapped around me from the start.
"Yes..."
"You have not died and you are not in hell. The sun will rise in time and I gave you a blanket. Trust in me."
"But this torment, why am I experiencing this?"
(The other voice) "More lies! Only meant to torment you further giving you hope! God hates you. You are damned. Why else are you here."
"Jesus help me."

I won't go into every detail. I'm sure I've already lost some of you and don't care to hear more. But here's the rest. Some verses I had memorized came to mind:

All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out - John 6:37
Truly, Truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes in him who sent me has eternal life. he does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life. - John 5:24
He himself bore out sins in his body on the tree that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. - 1 Peter 2:24

This debate raged on in my head for hours. It felt like I was in court. One side was condemning me and raging against God. The other side argued God's goodness and justice. I felt like an observer as this went on.

I said I would use brevity so here's my last bit. I don't care at all what anyone says about this, whether hallucinations or delusions or whatever, saying none of it is real. That it's just drugs, a brain malfunction, a bad trip, or whatever, so to forget about it and move on. I say no. It was real and it did happen, exactly as described.

That violent, malicious voice was not my imagination. It was a real demon with a real agenda to either kill me or turn me against God. The despair was real. The darkness was real. As was the hope I have in Christ. My view is this: If anyone has experienced anything similar, experienced that unfathomable darkness, despair, abandonment and pain, the Bible talks about this. It says in John 6:37, "He who believes in the Son has eternal life; whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him." Those feelings are the shadows of hell, the wrath of God. Jesus talks about those who will be cast into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth for all eternity. This world is hanging on by a thread, prepared for judgment, and sometimes these "bad trips" captures the reality of what this world is. It's a place storing up the wrath of God. Without Christ, we are truly hopeless, but in him there is life.

So there it is. Believe it or not, call it true or the ravings of a fool. I hope this helps someone.

Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
explevel_experienced
exptype_negative
exptype_spiritual
exptype_difficult
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled

 

[Xorkoth]

Wow, that's intense. I'm glad you were able to pull yourself out of it.

 

[Pfafffed]

Yeah, that sounds awful - I'm sorry that you went through that! That didn't sound too far off from my experiences with cannabis, or even Sasha and Ann Shulgin's. They wrote a chapter about a particularly bad experience; I think it was called The Dread. The strangest thing about your experience for me, though, is that you were used to smoke regularly. I never have, because I've always reached like this.

 

[Save]

I admire Christ, I do.

However I do not turn to Christ my friend. And I am far from hopeless.

Can't say I have ever seen a real demon however I have had demonic experiences for sure.

They always revolved around my own mistakes in life too.

Best to be in a positive place before having an intense experience I guess.

I wonder what underlying things in your subconscious could have stirred up this big nasty demon?

 

[psychlo0015]

oh shit this sounds like the weed highs I always used to get! After you experience this a few times you learn to enjoy it lol.

It brings out the reality in things that normally don't have any attention paid to. Like when people are looking at you you become aware of what your thinking subconsciously its like the subconscious comes to the surface over the regular boring mind.

I find these evil / bad experiences to be particularly awesome and cool. I'm usually relieved when it's over but look forward to experiencing it again.

I usually get left with a sense of WHOA... or WHOOOAA. I used to call this tripping. Luckily in my case I never went to church so the only form of religion I have is the kind I've come up with myself. I have none of that bible talk in my brain so there is never anything like that interfering.

I call this kind of tripping reality. Like it's reality only it's not there's usually no way to think like this and when you do it like thinking in the most realistic badass way I really enjoy it.

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Reminds me of the time i smoked weed on a decent dose of mxe (40mg ithink)
I recall being on my bed trying to prevent myself ( the internal mind) from seeing itself. Somehow i knew it would be bad so i kept the active mind and awareness mind away from each other...

 

[Anabasis]

I had a very similar experience (and think I posted it somewhere on BL) back in the summer of 2014.

Smoked and within 45 seconds experienced terrifying paranoia. I was at a beach amongst friends and truly believed that everyone who was a stranger had conspired to get me fucked up and was now going to a.) rape me, b.) steal my shit, then c.) murder me violently.

I thought my very life depended on me walking down the beach acting normally and if I showed the slightest hint of being under the influence, I'd be instantly devoured. I somehow ended up sneaking up to my car, the whole way thinking everyone was watching me ready to pounce. I remember getting close and an old woman was cackling furiously at something she thought was funny and I *knew* she, along with everyone else, had been watching me and she just couldn't take it anymore and was delighting in my impending demise. I jumped in the car and , fucked up beyond all recognition, made it to a beach about a mile away on a very winding road and, fortunately, pulled in instead of further risking life and limb. I got in the back seat and for HOURS was stuck in an eternal loop. I was watching the rear view mirror and saw the same guy in a yellow shirt walk past every what seemed like hour or so and decided, after the trillionth time, to time just how long the loop was and to my utter shock and horror it wasn't even a minute. I was filled with an infinite dread of eternity and was convinced I was going to live every second of the existence of every molecule in the universe and when that was done I was going to start over. I even a time or two drifted off and had visions of being in the ancient past.

I was suffering mild hallucinations as well; I kept focusing on a huge rock on the other side of the bay and it kept morphing into the hideous grin of a crocodile. I'd look away in absolute terror as the grin formed, knowing this thing had been there for millions of years just waiting for the inevitable; me driving up on this day and staying there for every parallel eternity while it grinned in hideous delight at my eternal suffering. I remember sitting in the back of the car for hours in the hot sun with the windows up (because, of course, if I rolled them down, the old lady and the guy in the yellow shirt and everyone else in the world who were conspiring to "get me" could then, "get me") and I was probably very near heat stroke and so reached into the cooler I had and the last big chunk of ice was left and I touched it to my tongue and I swear that the entire thing sizzled in an instant and turned into water. It was horrifying and I really started sliding into hopeless territory then.

Something else that someone might be able to related to as well: I kept hearing Jim Morrison sing "break on through to the other side" and was filled with the knowledge that I never had before of what that was and was convinced that my parents (who did drugs in the 60's) and most every other adult also knew but were keeping it secret and now I, too, "knew" and was part of a global secret society of other people who "knew." I was also totally convinced that I was now a hopeless drug addict whose next stop was the gutter and endless suffering before a nightmarish premature death. I fucking KNEW it.

I should also mention another important part of this nightmare trip: for some reason through the whole thing from the second I made it safely into the haven of my car that I involuntarily repeated "please God, let me come back." I repeated that same phrase every single second for probably six hours and couldn't stop if my life depended on it. I noticed after about five hours I was involuntarily taking breaks from this for minutes at a time and was become semi-lucid again, enough to remember how I got here and as soon as I was in any kind of shape to do it, I started the car and drove, with waves of the involuntary chanting "please God, let me come back" washing over me. This would start up hours after I made it safely home then subside til I fell asleep and when I woke up that was over with.

I finally made it home and for 3 solid days I laid in bed and only in very short bursts was I even able to remember there was an outside world. Man, I was seriously fucked up. I felt nothing, absolutely nothing, for hours at a time. I'd get up and drink water and then dive back onto the bed for hours more of total nothingness. On probably the fourth day I called my buddy who grows legal marijuana in Oregon and who has extensive experience with it and he said he'd heard of similar but rare stories of people having bad trips that included the eternal loop, fear of eternity and involuntary behavior.

Since that time, I've smoked a few other times and was extremely careful to take small tokes off a spliff but one time I smoked massive bong hits and experienced zero paranoia and laid in bed for hours listening to live Aerosmith wrapped in a cocoon of beauty.

I still can't explain what happened that day but it's greatly curbed my enthusiasm for marijuana.