hi. my name is whatever, maybe i will share it at one point. i've lived in the midwest and on the east coast. i'm an alcoholic, which i've never admitted to anyone in real life. when i worked in hospitality, my drinking was limited to the hours of 11 pm - 4 am (but enough to make me black out and result in enough rapes that i stopped keeping track). after two suicide attempts, my family made me move back east, where i quickly got a dui in august, then 2 in october. i have severe PTSD, which is why i drank and why i mixed it with benzodiazepines because i was so desperate to get the sounds and smells and sites out of my head. i come from a family of highly functioning alcoholics - incredibly smart, employed, highly paid. survivors of sexual abuse as children and adults, and unbelievable trauma as well. they aren't sympathetic. i am pretty, i am employed, i am educated, i come from a rich family (they do not support me, fyi, i often go without eating to pay rent) - i have everything everyone could ever want, and yet i have sold myself and attempted suicide over and over again.
flash forward 2-3 years later and i start when i wake up around 6 am, go to work from 8-4 and drink slowly throughout then while taking benzos, opiates, muscle relaxers, and continue when i get home until i pass out - sometimes around 5-6 pm. today i want to die. i hope to post enough where i can gain access to forums that will allow me to know exactly how much i need, because every time i've come close i've been saved and it makes me so angry. i believe and support harm reduction as someone who works in healthcare (amazing, right) but i don't believe in or support myself. i can't get by financially and have resorted to things i don't want to speak about. i have a family full of alcoholics and heroin addicts (and, as weird as it may sound, for "good" reason - horrific trauma) as well as family who has committed suicide, yet we are absurdly wealthy and can afford the best treatment available, but we always fail- and our families don't support us financially, they only support our treatment bills. we're often shunned and not spoken to while we're in a state where we might shame someone.i have been hospitalized so many times for suicide attempts and alcohol poisoning that it makes me angry that my body is so strong. sometimes i wonder how dare it betray me by being so strong?? it's been so many years, and so many overdoses that have landed me in the ICU - how could anything that severe not kill me? even my labs come back healthy, and physically people assume i'm 10 years younger than i am.
i just want to learn how to use responsibly so i can quiet the pain and don't end up on a dreaded psych ward again, especially not in the hospital where i work (which is a nightmare beyond belief). i receive therapy and have for years but it doesn't work - i think this drive to perish is genetic. i wish i could say i had a reason for living, but i don't - i am only a burden to everyone, and they've told me as much. so i just want to be able to use responsibly so i can get through each day. i will regret posting this in an hour and i don't know if i will be awake then to delete it, or if i will be able to anyway. i have muscle relaxers, opiates, benzos, and plenty of alcohol but i worry it's not enough given my tolerance. so i thought maybe if i can't die, i can find people who understand. i'm sorry if this is the the place, and would appreciate withholding judgment and pointing me in the right direction. i have literally nothing, i am turning to the internet as my last hope, whether it's to tell me if i have enough to die or that i'm not alone and someone to talk to.
i apologize for the less-than-sunny introduction, but where else can i go? please help point me in the right direction. i have medical and psych training so i know i could help others once i'm "blue-lighted" so part of me wants to be able to help with that because i believe in and support harm reduction for drug users and street-level sex workers, but i have to stay alive long enough to do that. i'm not sure what to do.
thank you for letting me talk, even if nobody sees this.
flash forward 2-3 years later and i start when i wake up around 6 am, go to work from 8-4 and drink slowly throughout then while taking benzos, opiates, muscle relaxers, and continue when i get home until i pass out - sometimes around 5-6 pm. today i want to die. i hope to post enough where i can gain access to forums that will allow me to know exactly how much i need, because every time i've come close i've been saved and it makes me so angry. i believe and support harm reduction as someone who works in healthcare (amazing, right) but i don't believe in or support myself. i can't get by financially and have resorted to things i don't want to speak about. i have a family full of alcoholics and heroin addicts (and, as weird as it may sound, for "good" reason - horrific trauma) as well as family who has committed suicide, yet we are absurdly wealthy and can afford the best treatment available, but we always fail- and our families don't support us financially, they only support our treatment bills. we're often shunned and not spoken to while we're in a state where we might shame someone.i have been hospitalized so many times for suicide attempts and alcohol poisoning that it makes me angry that my body is so strong. sometimes i wonder how dare it betray me by being so strong?? it's been so many years, and so many overdoses that have landed me in the ICU - how could anything that severe not kill me? even my labs come back healthy, and physically people assume i'm 10 years younger than i am.
i just want to learn how to use responsibly so i can quiet the pain and don't end up on a dreaded psych ward again, especially not in the hospital where i work (which is a nightmare beyond belief). i receive therapy and have for years but it doesn't work - i think this drive to perish is genetic. i wish i could say i had a reason for living, but i don't - i am only a burden to everyone, and they've told me as much. so i just want to be able to use responsibly so i can get through each day. i will regret posting this in an hour and i don't know if i will be awake then to delete it, or if i will be able to anyway. i have muscle relaxers, opiates, benzos, and plenty of alcohol but i worry it's not enough given my tolerance. so i thought maybe if i can't die, i can find people who understand. i'm sorry if this is the the place, and would appreciate withholding judgment and pointing me in the right direction. i have literally nothing, i am turning to the internet as my last hope, whether it's to tell me if i have enough to die or that i'm not alone and someone to talk to.
i apologize for the less-than-sunny introduction, but where else can i go? please help point me in the right direction. i have medical and psych training so i know i could help others once i'm "blue-lighted" so part of me wants to be able to help with that because i believe in and support harm reduction for drug users and street-level sex workers, but i have to stay alive long enough to do that. i'm not sure what to do.
thank you for letting me talk, even if nobody sees this.
