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Thread: progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

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    #26
    Bluelighter
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    two more things i've learned, one with a lot of help from you guys:

    - recovery does not mean never having cravings. they will always be there. conversely having cravings doesn't mean you're not recovering, this was an important realisation

    - the police can occasionally take a pragmatic decision rather than an easy win. to my knowledge this happens once every 32 years.

    i've had a case closed. i think a jury would have found the evidence implicated me beyond reasonable doubt. i'm super super relieved. pretty sure if i was still using in my home town i'd have clean time by now cos i was being held on remand. being in rehab and being cooperative has saved me.
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    #27
    chinup that's great!!!! I'm so very happy you managed to have your case closed and dodge detoxing in jail.

    Run with it. Detoxing in the best of circumstances sucks. Cold turkey with a bunch of strangers is deplorable. You don't want that to happen if at all possible.

    Being in rehab definitely saved you. I'm so glad it worked out this way.
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    #28
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    its been a really hard week. felt so down on wednesday that i started to doubt whether i really was in recovery. i was not having intense cravings all the time, just a general low level wanting to use. i felt that lifted yesterday and really good. its gone again as soon as i got to my parents for a really stupid reason. i shouldn’t be so hard on myself but i am being silly.

    anyway i have learned a whole lot more:

    - you never have any idea how fucked you seem to everyone else. we’ve just had a new girl, she’s asleep all the time and has no idea what day it is, she thinks she’s been here for days. apparently i was just like that when i got in, thought i was fine. i’ve been like that for years and never knew.

    - meditation is relaxing if you try

    - tiredness is a massive trigger, as is insomnia

    - the cold is more tolerable when you’re not exhausted and starving

    - everything is more tolerable when you’re not exhausted and starving

    - its actually nice to do ‘pointless’ stuff like tidy your room, and not really difficult

    - i’ve put my parents through hell. dramatic hell like my mum watching me to check i’m breathing cos she can’t wake me up. and the slow burning hell of watching me disappear.

    - i’m absent minded and forgetful without drugs. i don’t know if i would still be if i’d never used.

    - i'm sad i never got to say goodbye to the only grandparent i knew

    10- thanks!! its a huge relief. and yeah i’ve only been in custody awaiting interview after arrest, that sucked enough, prison must be utterly shit. how are you doing?

    i’ve started thinking about when i get out in 2 weeks. i want to basically try and construct as close to a full outpatient program as i can. i’ll go to NA morning and night, SMART in the middle when its on, gym/fitness, see what the drug services has to offer. i also want to draw, learn russian, play music.

    i need to make money too and luckily i can do that legally, from home and very flexibly but i hope my parents will allow me to make less than i could so i can spend more time on my recovery.
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    #29
    Bluelighter
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    You sound like you're doing quite well, chinup. Recognizing your triggers and your feelings in general is very positive. Also, having a plan for structure in your life is great! If you are anything like me, it's the follow-through that's tough. That's why I emphasize staying connected to recovering people, both online and in person. It really does help. As I've said in other threads, you don't have to agree with everything said in meetings. You won't. It's the interacting with others who share our struggles that helps us. Best wishes to you!

    Peace&Love,
    jasper


    12-Step Newcomer: "I love coming to these meetings! I've never been to a bad one!"
    12-Step Oldtimer: "You ain't going to enough meetings."
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    #30
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    thanks!! i am trying as much as i can. and triggers has been a hard one for me cos i'd glibly say breathing is a trigger. thing is its kind of true. but now i'm not using and not wanting to use continuously i've found out some things are more triggering than just being alive.

    and you're totally right about interacting with others who understand. its why i like this place and NA. its been so refreshing not to have to pretend any more. and lovely to be accepted for who i am.

    i like the quote about the meetings, and its good to bear in mind. i've felt like i'm doing something wrong for most of my rehab time being crawling up the walls, not on the pink cloud most people describe. on fridays meeting someone talked about how they found it really hard for a whole year after quitting. there is a tendency to hear the right thing at the right time.

    i learned another thing tonight:

    - i have lovely friends, and they don't leave when they find out i'm in rehab, instead they come visit and bring me presents. not one of my using 'friends' suggested such a thing when i told them i was going in.
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    #31
    Chinup-

    You are doing so well. So so well ❤️

    I'd give you a big hug if I could - whether you want one or not lol. I could use one too.

    I believe the most important thing you can do when you're out of rehab is to focus on recovery. Above all else. Rome wasn't built in a day. You have been through alot. For a few years now.

    I'm doing so so. I'm upset with myself. I (very pointlessly) used a couple times. I'm re-adjusting to my subs again. Switching from a full-agonist opiate to a partial-agonist opiate is a noticeable process. I feel gross. Sweaty constantly. To the point I can't go out in public because it's noticable. On my face anyway. I'm sweating all-over, but with a big hooded sweatshirt I can hide that.

    You're right about hunger being triggering. I'm starving and in a bad mood because of it. I haven't eaten in 2 days. I'm broke. Long story. Like the annoying song lol "Broke and Hungry".

    But, honestly, I'm not craving dope strongly. I suppose if it were right in front of me, it would be different. But that's largely due to the anxiety and stress I feel from being starving and really tired of this happening.

    If I had money, something to eat, some diet Rasberry iced tea or Lipton Dt mixed berry green tea, a good movie on - I'd be content with that.

    I agree that it's nice doing "pointless" things. Like tidying up. I keep things very neat and organized. It's comforting somehow. There was a time when I lived in a chaotic mess. At the height of my addiction, it was bad. Nowadays, I'm the polar opposite.

    Yes, jail is utter shit. To put it mildly. I'm glad you are well. It's always good hearing from you. ❤️
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    #32
    Bluelighter
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    thanks 10!! sorry you’re having a shitty week. do try not to beat yourself up cos it is self defeating. though if you’re anything like me you’ll now be beating yourself up for beating yourself up.

    i really hope you’re had something to eat. you don’t really need money though i shouldn’t encourage criminality- i was amazed the other day i went to a supermarket and it didn’t even occur to me to steal anything. anyway, i hope you’re not starving anymore. the sickness will pass soon.

    i was dragged into church today for remembrance sunday, it felt strangely calm and got me thining about a higher power, something i thought would be a massive stumbling block for me as i need something consistent with physics, but i realised a lot of coincidences have helped me, so that’s it:

    - i extended my stay in primary care to have 2 more sessions with a specific therapist. the friday of the week before she trained in an accelerated version of trauma therapy that does not require the traumatic memory to be activated. i could not have activated what we worked on because it was too difficult, so the EMDR we’d been doing previously couldn’t have happened. i could not have had this therapy if i hadn’t delayed coming into rehab so long.

    - the police came to arrest me 3 days after i went to rehab. they've dropped it.

    - the person i got on best with in primary care’s stay overlapped precisely with mine

    - i’m alive. i’ve still not really fully processed the fact that i’ve woken up surprised to be alive, felt nothing, and done what nearly killed me without the thought of not doing it again coming into my mind.

    - the main share of the first NA meeting i went to in rehab got way worse than me and had been in recovery for years. nobody in rehab progressed as far as me (this would be very different in an NHS facility) before coming in so it would have been easy for me to resist recovery because i was so much worse than everyone else.
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    #33
    Bluelighter
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    Beware of HALT: getting Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Good advice in general, but especially in recovery.

    Also remember that everyone is different. Some rave about the "pink cloud," others never experience it. Some say "the first year is a gift," others say "the first year is hell." Some feel somewhat "normal" in a few days, others take months (even years) to stabilize. Just treat yourself gently. You are in recovery.

    Peace&Love,
    jasper

    "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." -- Maya Angelou
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