progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

[cj]

Yeah I wouldn't take her word on the brain damage part. She isn't qualified to make that determination. She's just spewing BS. If your really concerned in a few months see a neurologist

 

[aihfl]

A clinical psychologist can also conduct neuro-psychological testing.

 

[jasperkent]

Just six months out from my last drink and my brain is working much better than it did early on. I have memory issues but I'm 59 so that may be normal aging.

Keep yer chin up, chinup.

Peace&Love,
jasper

​"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." -- Albert Schweitzer

 

[Jabberwocky]

you're all right, she doesn't know. and i suspect she's saying that because anything else could put her at risk if she's wrong. anyone in this sort of field is massively conservative cos it means if they're wrong its good news. like the surgeon who reconstructed my elbow (an absolute legend) told me i'd have arthritis in it by 30, so i'm chuffed now i'm 32 and no symptoms. i think this is similar. my brain just loves negativity.

she called me today to say she's arranged a hep b vaccination for me and that i'll need another screen in january. she's really made me realise how bad i actually was. i never thought i was that bad, but i'm in the UK this is all free they don't do those vaccinations or tests unless you're at high risk and i haven't exaggerated anything to her. i didn't get that sense in rehab cos i was the only crack/smackhead in there so i couldn't get any perspective. i knew my usage levels were very high but not that i was really risking my health.

really really struggling now. i'm so so sensitive. i can't control the world so i can't make sure i never come across any references to heroin or violence towards women. i can avoid obvious things but they crop up in places you'd never expect. every time something makes me think about violence i just want to scream, i don't feel safe, i feel hopeless, i feel like i can't cope. heroin really fucking helped me.

i got advised tonight to write a letter to heroin. i felt totally up for that. later on the guy specified a good bye letter. i'm going to do it but it makes me want to cry. i don't want to use now but i feel like my brain is an open wound and i can't be like this forever. how can i say good bye to the thing that helped me so much?

my main motivation for giving up gear is cos its too easy to get light if you're buying dark. i keep trying to remind myself how much i hated myself for being a heroin addict but given i don't exactly like myself right now its not overly effective.

i know i need to give everything time and that this was never going to be easy. i know it'll get easier. now i have to be strong but i don't feel strong. i'm used to giving in before i even get a chance to reason.

 

[aihfl]

i got advised tonight to write a letter to heroin. i felt totally up for that. later on the guy specified a good bye letter. i'm going to do it but it makes me want to cry. i don't want to use now but i feel like my brain is an open wound and i can't be like this forever. how can i say good bye to the thing that helped me so much?

I didn't write a goodbye letter to alcohol per se, but I did write something called "Lies Alcohol Told Me." Basically I explore the three lies alcohol "told" me: 1. a party isn't a party unless you're sloppy drunk, 2. alcohol will help my anxiety and 3. alcohol will help my insomnia.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks. i will try that as a precursor cos i don't feel ready to say goodbye to heroin right now.

really really low. been to 3 meetings today, feel ok in them but otherwise i'm just flat. tomorrow i'm going to my friends so i can play his bass and we're gonna play zelda too so hoping to actually have fun cos that's fucking lacking majorly right now.

having problems with this higher power business. how can i put my trust into something to protect me when it didn't protect me as an extremely vulnerable 15 year old, before drugs, let alone all the shit after. feel a massive emptiness and honestly like i'll just want to use til i do. i'm as trapped now as i was before just in a much less seedy grimy dangerous place, which at least i genuinely am grateful for.

 

[aihfl]

tomorrow i'm going to my friends so i can play his bass and we're gonna play zelda too so hoping to actually have fun cos that's fucking lacking majorly right now.

That sounds like a great idea. It's important to find enjoyable ways of spending the time you would have otherwise spent high.

having problems with this higher power business. how can i put my trust into something to protect me when it didn't protect me as an extremely vulnerable 15 year old, before drugs, let alone all the shit after. feel a massive emptiness and honestly like i'll just want to use til i do. i'm as trapped now as i was before just in a much less seedy grimy dangerous place, which at least i genuinely am grateful for.

I would recommend you not fixate on this. Get out of it what you need to keep you clean for the day. I've met a number of atheists and agnostics in AA.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks aihfl, you know i hadn’t realised i was fixating on it and it wasn’t going to help me but you’re totally right and it really helps to have my thinking pulled up for me.

another massive life lesson today, which should have been blatantly obvious:

- heroin makes you evil

someone at a meeting was talking about their friend committing suicide and not using on it. it made me remember about a good friend of mine dying of alcoholism, pancreatitis is a painful way to go. i didn’t suggest to him to get help cos admitting he had a big problem would have meant admitting i had a big problem. when he died i just thought about how i didn’t need to try and limit my gear consumption for a bit. it meant nothing to me but an excuse to use. i’ve been romanticising heroin so i needed that.

my dad got cancer about 4 months into my massive crack problem and i was actively glad it gave me a great excuse to use. i knew that was wrong from the start and i was happy to admit crack had turned me into a scumbag pretty quick but i’d never acknowledged the same for dark.

still massively up and down. been really stressed cos i got a massive piece of work with a quick turnaround time. its just been cancelled and now cos i’m gutted i don’t get to earn that money. but i’m relieved i can chill when i get home.

 

[aihfl]

heroin makes you evil

I think the same could be said about any of our DOCs.

someone at a meeting was talking about their friend committing suicide and not using on it. it made me remember about a good friend of mine dying of alcoholism, pancreatitis is a painful way to go. i didn’t suggest to him to get help cos admitting he had a big problem would have meant admitting i had a big problem. when he died i just thought about how i didn’t need to try and limit my gear consumption for a bit. it meant nothing to me but an excuse to use. i’ve been romanticising heroin so i needed that.

Pancreatitis is a horrible way to go. I ended up in the hospital with it about a year ago. I had been drinking about two liters of vodka a day for about a week and had been drinking heavily the past month before that. My pancreas were just inflamed, but I've read of cases (Duff McKagan from Guns n' Roses is an example) where the pancreas actually ruptured, spilling corrosive digestive enzymes all over the abdominal cavity. McKagan said in his book at the time he had switched from liquor to wine in an attempt to "slow down" but ended up drinking around 10 bottles of wine/day. I can't imagine. Well, yes, I can. Two liters of 80-proof vodka is pretty extreme, too

my dad got cancer about 4 months into my massive crack problem and i was actively glad it gave me a great excuse to use. i knew that was wrong from the start and i was happy to admit crack had turned me into a scumbag pretty quick but i’d never acknowledged the same for dark.

Been there. When my father's cancer became serious, I was drunk pretty much 24/7, and when he would be in the hospital, I would raid his prescription medications at home. When I actually made it to the hospital, I would always slip away into a mens room stall to take a few gulps of vodka.

 

[jasperkent]

It helped me to look at my drug of choice like a person.

My beloved drug of choice: got me fired from jobs, wrecked my cars, put me in jail, put me in the hospital, stole from me, made me a liar and a thief, pushed lovers out of my life, made me suicidal, etc, etc...


If someone did all that to me, would I still be friends with them? I think not.

Peace&Love,
jasper


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Have you done a self analysis to discover who you really are? The psych sessions will only do so much and not everything is there for you to connect the dots.

I have issues with my mum too but then looked at her teachings.

It is really hard to open up emotionally to your own self once you've been hiding from yourself for so long but when you do you will realise addiction has an off switch and that you are in control.

All the best

 

[EPL1]

Popping in to see how you're doing lately chinup?

Very proud of all you've accomplished, I hope you are being extra kind and patient with yourself.

Much love honey,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks so much everyone. i'll reply properly later, or maybe tomorrow, cos i'm in a bit of a rush. but you've given me a lot of food for thought. i'm so up and down and just exhausted right now. i keep remembering shit that's happened to me or that i've done that ain't pretty and i just want a break now but the only way to have one is to use which i can't do.

i've booked myself a tattoo for my 90 days mark in a couple of weeks, the design is to commemorate my phd which i will have graduated from 5 years ago next week.

 

[Jabberwocky]

aihfl thanks so much for your post, it does mean something to not feel alone in the places my addiction took me too, though i also don't wish them on anyone its reassuring to know i'm not a particularly evil human being.

jasper that's quite a good analogy though i am still way way way too quick to make excuses for people, and the same goes for heroin. it sounds a bit perverse but i think the fact heroin didn't destroy my life is really not helping. i don't give a second thought to crack really but on heroin i visited amazing places (rattled on the plane and wasted the first few days of each holiday), got my dream job, was able to work without intrusive thoughts, which helped me earn a phd in theoretical physics, bought 2 houses, yadayadayada. that's why i find it too easy to romanticise gear and why the revelation that it made me not really care a very good friend died horribly was important. it did that and made me despise myself every day for 6 years, that should be enough really!

nooonooo- i worked on that a fair bit in rehab, but it needs further work. i have a problem because really i lost everything good about me and was basically like an animal by the start of this year, and i haven't got a lot of what i had back cos it takes time, so i don't know what's me and what isn't anymore. i don't know if i'm still a good programmer or scientist or reliable employee or caring friend... anymore. i have things i hope i will get back, but it clearly wasn't all there or i wouldn't have ended up like this, i don't know what the gaps in my understanding of myself are and i suspect they're important. sorry for rambling you've ht a nerve but i don't have much coherent to say.

EPL- thanks! i'm still up and down like a yoyo. i went a full day without something from my backlog of shite i've yet to deal with coming up on tuesday which was nice. how are you?

i feel like i'm getting somewhere and haven't once doubted i was ready to leave rehab cos i don't think any of the shit i've had to deal with since i got out would have surfaced in there. i think i've had one of the hardest weeks of my life, cried so much about so many things, and i'm still clean.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm 76 days clean and truly came to understand why exercise is good for people coming off opiates yesterday. I'd rate my mood yesterday as very good, only for a few seconds, but its an an improvement.

No major downs since Wednesday night.

A bit worried about the exercise thing though cos I'm the heaviest ive ever been and due to my.history of anorexia, which like addiction never really goes, it could go very badly cosand I don't feel comfortable with my weight and tbh if I had to pick anorexia or heroin I'd go heroin. Crack and anorexia are the worst hells ive experienced by miles.

 

[EPL1]

Hi doll,

Stopping in to say I'm thinking of you, and yay on the 77 days clean today!!!! You are awesome!!!

Try to be extra kind and patient with yourself, you have accomplished so much!!!!

And I'm sure the weight will level off. No need to worry.

But remember, this is no race, no need to rush anything, you are EXACTLY where you need to be. And we are all here for you.


Much love,
here for you always,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey ash how you doing? hope all is good, you excited for christmas or not a fan?

i've had no major downswings mood wise for a while and i'm fixating on my weight less now cos i've cross addicted to playing the bass. it won't kill me so i'm happy with that, just makes my hand hurt til they get used to it.

its my mum's birthday today and instead of like last year, when i couldn't even get her card to her on time, i made her breakfast in bed (this had the bonus of keeping her in bed so i didn't have to talk to her, i like her but just don't know what to say) and have started on preparations for making her a cake and dinner tonight. and i made her a card and she got it on time. also i played her happy birthday on the bass. i'm not sure how much she appreciated that but never mind.

i've also got myself a sponsor who also suffered from anorexia as well as drug problems. i was petrified about asking cos i was sure she'd say no and i'm not really strong enough yet to be able to take rejection easily but i'm super chuffed she said yes cos i really need to put more work into my recovery and starting the steps seems a good way to do so.

 

[EPL1]

Hey honey. Me waving. ; )

Happy birthday to momma, sounds like you are a very caring daughter, and although your relationship with her isn't perfect, (who's is), you remember your mother and show her she's appreciated.

That's what she will remember most. You are a great daughter.

Keep playing your bass and know that you are awesome.

We all love and support you here.


I am happy you and your new sponsor have things in common.

You're doing such a great job. Here if you need me.

Your friend,
Ash.

And yes, sorry, to answer your question, I do like Christmas. I have a tree set up. A santa snow globe and a santa in a rocking chair figurine. ; )
What will you do for Christmas?

xo
Ash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

87 days clean and had the best evening i've had in fucking ages!!

was the only representative of the fairer sex in the pit at a gig and fuck it obviously got some endorphins flowing. as a not remotely hard female i have to choose my pits wisely i wouldn't stand a chance at sick of it all but so glad to know that i can rock out and have just as good a time completely sober.

thanks ash!! sounds like you've got a nice christmasyy atmosphere already. i love christmas but its one of the only days of the year since i quit bentos that i'd allow myself bentos in the morning so a bit nervous about this year.

obviously fucked it with my mum by having an argument with on Sunday morning but i got out a lot of stuff that's been bugging me without lashing out or being overly hurtful. going to my friend from rehab's tomorrow which'll be a nice break.

my parents are going to get some stuff from my house tomorrow cos its too risky for me to do it myself and i'm petrified there's sharps lying about.

 

[EPL1]

Wow you're so AWESOME honey!!! 90 days for you today!!!

Happy you had such a good time!!! I'm glad you talked honestly with your mom, things will get better.

Hope you had a good time at your friend's house and that your parents where able to get you the last of your things from your place.



Massive hugs,
here for you always,
your friend,
Ash.

P.S, I'm very proud of you.

87 days clean and had the best evening i've had in fucking ages!!

was the only representative of the fairer sex in the pit at a gig and fuck it obviously got some endorphins flowing. as a not remotely hard female i have to choose my pits wisely i wouldn't stand a chance at sick of it all but so glad to know that i can rock out and have just as good a time completely sober.

thanks ash!! sounds like you've got a nice christmasyy atmosphere already. i love christmas but its one of the only days of the year since i quit bentos that i'd allow myself bentos in the morning so a bit nervous about this year.

obviously fucked it with my mum by having an argument with on Sunday morning but i got out a lot of stuff that's been bugging me without lashing out or being overly hurtful. going to my friend from rehab's tomorrow which'll be a nice break.

my parents are going to get some stuff from my house tomorrow cos its too risky for me to do it myself and i'm petrified there's sharps lying about.