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Thread: contemplating something so low (even by my standards)

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    contemplating something so low (even by my standards) 
    #1
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    hi friends,

    so i've done so much that i'm not proud and so much i'm ashamed of just to get a fix or a rock but what i'm about to do is a new low, yes, even for a scumbag like me..

    i have stole and still actively stealing from work, from siblings and strangers. i have scammed people, lied and cheated without the slightest remorse (well at least sometimes) and a lot more in that sense but what i am contemplating now is something i'd never thought i would do and still there's approximately 50% chance that i wouldn't, about 50% of hope that i am not THAT asshole...

    i have my mother atm card 4 digit code and i'm fighting the urge to take it and withdraw some money for black&white.
    now the chances of doing it smoothly are fairly high as i got better and better at this shit and had a lot of practice but it's not the issue of getting caught, at least not only the issue but the actual deed seem so immoral and so cruel as my mother is on welfare and always with the feeling that she and i are poor and the little that she have must be kept for a rainy day.. t's always a rainy day with me.. always when i ask for money she gives me after a short interrogation, she's generous even without having much. i guess you might say -"well just ask her for some money than" but i just did two days ago and can't ask her for anymore dough for a few days..

    update: i just took her atm card from her purse and feeling shitty also i don't think she'll get a notification if and when i'll withdraw. i have a few minutes to put it back before she's going to sleep. i feel so bad. from one angle this bad feeling makes me want to use and from another just feels like this poster junkie who will do any and all to get a fix..

    please someone.. anyone, help me! i can't deal and can't figure out what to do.. how did i get so low

    thanks,
    jona
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    #2
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    she just went to sleep (her purse is in the bedroom with her)...
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    #3
    Bluelight Crew Kaden_Nite's Avatar
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    Give her card back. Go and hand it to her. Don't put anymore thought into it than that. Go.
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    #4
    Greenlighter
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    You need to really think about what you're about to do, and the pain you're putting the people you love through. One of you have to suffer, but somewhere in your heart passed the fear of withdrawal, we both know you'd rather that person be you than her. Think about every good thing she has done for you, every sacrifice, and pay that back to her now.
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    #5
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    she went to sleep i can't give it back but i can put it back tomorrow.
    if i'll give it to her it will break her heart so i rather slip it back without her noticing
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    #6
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    i guess having her card with me all night means trouble but right now i have no other option but maybe to try and stay strong and not use it
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    #7
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    There are some lows you really really shouldn't let yourself fall thru. This is one. Hand it back to her. You do this thing and you may never recover her trust ever again.
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    #8
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    i really wish i could cry or let my emotions out somehow. i am at such a low place right now and this is so uncomfortable i think me not using tonight's something almost impossible. what am i doing? what have i become? fuck me i just want to disappear
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    #9
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    i think i already destroyed her trust in me and even told her in many occasions that i am not trustworthy
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    #10
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    i'm a fucking lowlife junkie man. this shit is breaking my heart but i can't cope or deal. i'll try not to use her atm card and put it back tomorrow without any harm done. but who am i kidding? i'm gonna use and hopefully i'll die but the chances of that are so low as my tolerance is sky high and on subutex. i cant do nothing right, just a selfish junkie for years and years
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    #11
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    i'm going to score right now. if i had a shred of courage i would've commited suicide and be done with being so unbelievable scum of the earth asshole
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    #12
    Being a junkie doesn?t make you a piece of shit or a lowlife or an asshole. It just programs your brain to do whatever you can to avoid those withdrawals. Everyone reading this can tell you feel guilt and remorse and you feel love for your mom. No point hating yourself dude. Just put that card back!
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    #13
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    Been there. It'll be a shitstorm but life will go on.
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
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    #14
    When i've done shit like this, i was unable to enjoy the high.

    I, too, feel completely worthless as it is. But it isn't true. Hang in there.
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