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    Guilt and shame 
    #1
    Greenlighter
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    I ended up finding my ex wife on the streets. When I knew her she was a school teacher and just so lovely. Now she's hit bedrock in her life, superficially reduced to a stereotype. I won't give details. She might in some ways be lucky. Quite a few people I knew are dead.

    I want to fix what damages I've caused introducing friends and lovers to drugs and it kills me to know that I have no power to reverse the suffering. People say I'm only responsible for myself which doesn't help. I was responsible for being a good influence and I let them all down.

    I don't feel any better than a murderer and I try to shake it off and to focus on doing better but it's very painful to see so many people I've hurt. If there was a higher power, it would have taken me or destroyed my life and spared so many good friends.

    I'm ok but I wanted to talk about it all. The guilt eats me alive and honestly I think I deserve that.
    Last edited by Moonlitskies09; 21-10-2018 at 23:40. Reason: Typos
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    #2
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    hi buddy,
    i can relate deeply and my only question for you is -
    did your ex-wife or any of your friends where under 18 at the time you've introduced them to whatever that was?

    if the answer is no and i assume you didn't make them use at gunpoint than it's not on you.
    there's free will and people choose to do shit everyday.
    you needn't feel guilty. in my eyes you're OK and by no means some kind of OJ
    i hope you'll forgive yourself and realise that we choose what we choose,
    no matter who gave us the first opportunity to choose from.

    i guess that doesn't console you much and i too feel very guilty and ashamed as most of us , especially here.
    please don't be so harsh on yourself.
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    #3
    Bluelighter
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    I sold drugs for years and battled with the same guilt and shame, especially when close friends developed serious habits. One thing I realized over time though, is if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. I could cut someone off and it wouldn't do anything to help them with their habit. I made a point not to introduce anyone to it, but the truth is that people will come looking. Sometimes it is curiosity, sometimes it is a feeling they are chasing or trying to get rid of.

    I know it sounds a bit heartless, but do you blame the people you started using drugs with for the years of havoc that followed? Guilt is often a way of trying to make things right- beating yourself up mentally to punish you for your past mistakes, maybe in hopes you will never do something like that again or maybe to set things right in the universe.... either way, it's not going to accomplish anything beyond harming yourself.

    There isn't anything you can do to change the past, but there are things you can do to help those that are struggling. Providing basic human care like food, water, and someone to talk to goes a really long way. I've decided to go to school so I can work as a counselor in the future. Seems like a major contradiction for me and I struggle with it all the time, but people change and that is a good thing sometimes.
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    #4
    Moderator
    Drug Studies
    neversickanymore's Avatar
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    Live your life differently. Don't let all the scummy shit from your past weigh you down. What do you have control over.. Not the past.. Just how you behave in the future. Who do you want to be?
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    #5
    Bluelighter Cosmic Trigger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moonlitskies09 View Post
    I ended up finding my ex wife on the streets. When I knew her she was a school teacher and just so lovely. Now she's hit bedrock in her life, superficially reduced to a stereotype. I won't give details. She might in some ways be lucky. Quite a few people I knew are dead.

    I want to fix what damages I've caused introducing friends and lovers to drugs and it kills me to know that I have no power to reverse the suffering. People say I'm only responsible for myself which doesn't help. I was responsible for being a good influence and I let them all down.

    I don't feel any better than a murderer and I try to shake it off and to focus on doing better but it's very painful to see so many people I've hurt. If there was a higher power, it would have taken me or destroyed my life and spared so many good friends.

    I'm ok but I wanted to talk about it all. The guilt eats me alive and honestly I think I deserve that.
    IMO you only deserve guilt and shame if somehow it helped you to do better and I don't see that happening because guilt and shame are negatives. You became what you are due to the upbringing by your parents and culture (people, education etc.) you were born into but they all don't deserve guilt or shame for what they did to you either because the same thing happened to them and on and on back into the dim recesses of the historical past. Humanity is a mess of suffering and it's not getting any better.

    I wish all of us the best of luck.
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