Please help me my son is taking dope and I don't know what to do.

[Klonoa]

Hi I am a single mum working 7 days most weeks I have no family no support and have probably had one of the worst lives out of anyone but hey ho anyway I don't care about that I just want my son to grow up and be a happy man but he has always played me up every fucking school every teacher says the same thing "he's no good he's just like his good for nothing dad" and as if he hasn't been hard enough to deal with now he's coming home smelling of weed?! Oh and I should mention his 'father's used to beat me black and blue everyday until I coughed up enough money for his smack and he knows the horrible horrible life I've had so what does my darling son do? Starts taking drugs he lies to my face he won't say what drugs he does but I know for certain he has been taking weed I just don't know what to do anymore he just takes and takes and I give and I give and on and on some days I think it if all be better to just end it all so I don't have to see him and up like his dad I don't know why I am posting here but he uses this website I believe the way he treat me his mother is not cool I don't know how we are going to get through the last year or school every teacher every pupil he has problems with what can I do to make him see sense??

Maybe if I gave you his username you guys could tell him I'm not just having a go at him I love and care about me and what he is doing to his own mother I just not on.

 

[Jibult]

and on some days I think it if all be better to just end it all so I don't have to see him and up like his dad

Please don't! I can think of countless reasons for you to get that thought out of your mind, but I've got three that are sticking out:

Your son loves you. That's what sons do, they love their parents even through hate, anger, spite and angst. Losing his mother'll likely devastate the boy, and you've worked so damn hard already to keep that from happening that I think it'd be a shame for you to give in and add to the source of whatever's bothering him.

Most people, in my experience, end up experimenting with drugs at one point or another in their life. For many, it's just a phase-- they'll go hard at it initially, then gradually the drug'll lose it's "magic" and they'll eventually end up putting it down for long periods of time. Again, that seems like something you've been waiting for, angling for, trying to nudge him into the direction of.... and I think the day that he makes that decision will be a wonderful one for you, a day you won't want to have missed.

Lastly, Klonoa, I don't know you but it would break my heart to know that you've posted this and followed through. I don't know much about raising children/teenagers through these kinds of situations, but if you ever need to talk I'll do my level best to be here for you-- even if you just want to vent and need somebody to say "Oh my god, that's horrible!" every now and then.



So onto that actual question you posed, it's a tough one that's gonna require a tailored approach depending on your boy's personality. There's no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to drug use (or abuse), but here's my take on it and what would probably have worked on teenage-Me:

You could just be totally up front with him from here on out about drug use (more specifically, your personal experiences with them if you have any, good and bad.) Explain to him your specific concerns, and then give him real-life examples of those fears coming to fruition for other people so that he understands you're legitimately worried about his health. Talk to him about his experiences, but be careful to stay as neutral as you can if he opens up to you. Judgement is okay, we expect that from our parents.... but we have to understand and relate to why our parents are upset with us in order to take it as anything other than an all-out attack on our preferences and, by eventual flawed logical extension, our personality.

You get him to open up about something that obviously interests him, and hopefully you'll find out why he enjoys it (and that could be as simple as "It feels good, Mom," but there may also be reasons that you're totally unaware of.) Through discussion you test his perspective and, hopefully, over time you'll be able to re-educate him in a sense. You won't be able to get him to do a complete 180 but if you can get him to really empathize with what's going through your mind I'd be surprised if something didn't change for the better. I mean, nobody wants to lose their mother, and I'm pretty sure that goes double for a kid that still lives with his mother.

Keep your head up, Klonoa, and stay strong. In most countries, marijuana use won't ruin your life and it really seems like a coming-of-age thing, in my opinion. I've always thought that if and when kids get interested is probably the perfect time to truly educate them about the ins and outs, the pros and cons of drug use, but I guess that kind of thing would vary from one culture to the next.

 

[imma bee]

What's the username?

 

[TheLoveBandit]

No. Don't put his username out to public. That's not cool, even for his mother to do.

This topic is also posted to TDS, where it might get better discussion on supporting the mother and family. Not knocking CD, and I encourage members here to offer what they feel can help, but it might do best if we focus the 'family' discussion to TDS and any CD specifics in this thread.

 

[invegauser]

^ agreed.

@Klonoa: like Jibult said, not worth it. it seems hopeless but doesn't mean you should give up. this one reason alone is not worth it.

as much as i hate to say anything on the topic. think it's best if you realize who you are as a person and work with what you got. if like you say this has happened with his dad and you responded this way it's not going to go whole lot different with the son. he probably already knows how to manipulate you best.

i don't have kids, never will. but i know that tough love is as much apart of it as nurturing is. it's a balance needed to raise them right including the unconditional love. if pops isn't in the picture then it might be best to find a program for him to go through that would straighten him up a lil bit or get him what he needs to survive. if he's not doing the school thing (which he should be and i'm not saying it's ok to break the law by not attending) then it's time he gets the idea to either enroll in a work related program where he can learn a skill or trade job, one of those programs where kids go and live and function with other kids and they take care of themselves while being supervised and getting paid with on the job training; or he needs to realize a life of crime is a path that's hard to walk away from but if he so chooses to then it's not going to happen in your house and you want nothing to do with it.

those steps worked for my mom and other kids i met through out life. you come first, you gotta take care of and protect yourself. lock down your purse, don't leave valuables out, be prepared to say no to him from time to time and set some rules for the house. if he doesn't follow then he might need to go somewhere else. when he turns 18 he's legally an adult here and your not responsible for him anymore.

this is not to say that you aren't his mom and don't love him, just stating things that have worked out for others in the past. it's hard, kids aint easy and there is no rule or guide book. one thing is for sure though, he's going to do what he is going to do so how about you get a fresh perspective on this. not saying anything about weed but if that's all then it might just be a rite of passage for him (in america it is a lot more for teens than it use to be). get to know him, find out what he's really into right now and don't just write him off as a bad apple until you know for sure. then take the appropriate steps.

btw ignore @Painful One from the other thread you started. that's just stupid. i get where they are coming from but seriously, your in pain. you would figure someone with the word pain in the handle would relate. sheesh. unless that is your son (don't say if it is, that's not cool here). either way godspeed to you and keep looking for answers.

 

[Mycophile]

I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive cause it's not meant that way, but first I'll ask the OP: how old is your son?

I'm assuming he's a teenager like maybe 15 or 16 years old?

If the only drug he is using is Marijuanna then i don't think you have much to worry about.

Marijuanna is not a dangerous drug and cannot be overdosed on and will not physically hurt him much.

Now, that does NOT mean he might not be doing other harmful drugs or that he might not be getting himself into other kinds of trouble through his use of Marijuanna, and if so I'm sorry about that.

But I see that you are going through a very difficult situation and I'm sorry about it and it seems your problems extend further than your son's marijuanna use.

It's possible for him to be a successful person even if he does smoke marijuanna as long as he also works hard in many areas of his life and is disciplined but it sounds like he isn't and it sounds like that is the problem more than the marijuanna.

Almost all kids like to experiment with drugs and it's not always such a bad thing but if you reprimand him and scold him for it unfortunately I don't think he is likely to respond well.

I don't know what the solutions to your problems are, but perhaps try to consider what areas of his life you think he really needs to improve on not including his drug use and try to see what you can do for him.

It sounds like he is not focussing on his school work and that that is one of the major issues so maybe you could try to talk to him on an adult level, not like you are his mother, but just another person, and ask him what he is interested in and whether or not there is anything he wants to accomplish in his life and be supportive of whatever his interests are.

I don't know, maybe he likes art or video games or riding BMX bikes for example.

Whatever it is, maybe try to take an active interest in it and see if you can try to make him realize that the feeling of accomplishment he will get by becoming really good at whatever he loves will far exceed any drug he could ever take.

All sorts of people who start off life as trouble makers later on find a certain activity to channel their energy into and find a way to break out of their bad habits by becoming invested in something.

It could be sports or art or who knows what else, but most people have SOMETHING that they are really interested in and only don't pursue it as hard as they could because on some level they don't really believe they can be successful.

But maybe if you can find out whatever it is that your son really enjoys and be supportive of it and try to convince him to focus on it.

And please don't consider ending your life.

Things can get better.

I don't know if any of that was really effective but I hope it helped a little.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Drop it. Get used to the smell. My parents were atrocious about my cannabis habit and kicked me out over it in the middle of the winter night without a jacket on. Luckily some friends saved my ass but I was a top student in university at the time. It was only a problem because they made it a problem. Honestly I am not pointing the finger but I think that is what triggered my BPD and panic disorder like it was not good for me to be away from home. I only did more drugs. Going to a therapist or something is an idea, maybe to talk about why the pot use. I honestly don't know. I just know that my family not being accepting of my cannabis use practically tore us apart for a decade, I was never really accepted or around, and 15 years later I have a good relationship with them but it's still inherently awkward. I didn't need that shit in my life for smoking a plant there was nothing wrong with me I was self medicating what I am now prescribed.

If you wish to maintain the respect of your son, and be in contact with him throughout his 20's when he moves out, I would strongly recommend turning a blind eye to this because otherwise in my opinion there is a way bigger chance of your son getting into real drugs. Weed is like coffee to someone who uses it daily.

I would maybe look into a psychologist or something and I'm only chiming in because after they kicked me out over my weed habit which is now medical and legal, and I never ended up stopping I ended up using more and getting addicted to heroin. The ones who didn't seem to move on to harder partying were generally the ones whose parents stopped caring about weed early on once they realized you can't stop a stoner from smoking weed.

There is a reason for the use which is probably stress and a confrontation is not going to help. I speak after 15 years of having ignorant, stupid family problems that have kept me away from my brother and sister, family dinners are awkward because they look at me like I'm stoned all the time, and in fact, they only ever think I'm stoned when I'm not. I am completely functional on it and it's harmless but definitely addictive / medicinal. A pot dependency isn't going to kill, I'd be way more concerned about researching stuff like opiates in case you see warning signs he is using serious drugs, including alcohol.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

It looks like the OP is gone already, but I'm more on board with what Shroomy said. If you're son is at least 16, then attacking his pot use is only going to distance you from him, he'll hate you for it. And like also said, it's not a dangerous or bad drug.

But seeing as this is indeed a thread better suited for, and already posted in TDS, I'm gonna close this thread.

Please don't take your life. Many people experience such crippling despair and that's not the answer. Your son needs you, not to 'get him off drugs', but to be a loving mother. Openness and understanding go much further than reprimands. My parents punished the hell out of me for pot use as a teen and all it did was teach me skills for hiding my use. Talk to your son and let him know why you're concerned, and also understand that if it's only pot he's using, it's not a big deal.

Just because your ex was a junkie asshole doesn't mean your son smoking a few bowls sometimes will turn him into the same thing. I smoked weed daily for over 7 years, and I've never turned to heroin, or meth, or any dangerous drugs. The vast majority of pot smokers never branch off to new drugs. It might go a long way to let your son know that while smoking weed might be okay in the future, hard drugs never will be. Teens appreciate the differentiation between weed and harder drugs, because they're living in the era of legalization and no kids believe the lies about pot any longer.

So yeah, openness, communication! Not 'Oh my god you're a junkie now because you smoke weed.'

Closed.